HAPPY 
HAWKINS 


ROBERT  ALEXANDER  WASON 


HAPPY   HAWKINS 


HAPPY    HAWKINS 


BY 


ROBERT   ALEXANDER  WASON 


ILLUSTRATED    BY 

HOWARD    GILES 


BOSTON 

SMALL,  MAYNARD   AND  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


COPYRIGHT,  1909 
B  Small,  /iBa^narD  &  Company 

(IKCOBPOBATBD) 
Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall 

Published  Aug.  a  8,  1909 
Three  printings  before  publication 
Fourth  printing,  December,  1909 
Fifth  printing,  April,  1910 
Sixth  printing,  October,  1910 


THK  UNIVERSITY   PRESS,   CAMBRIDGE,  U.S.A. 


TO 

MY   OLD   PAL 


M532976 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I    THE  DIAMOND  DOT i 

II    CONVINCING  A  COOK 14 

III  UNDER  FIRE '32 

IV  PROFESSIONAL  DUTY 44 

V    JUST  MONODY  —  A  MAN 56 

VI    THE  RACE 60 

VII    MENTAL  TREATMENT  FOR  A  BROKEN  LEG     ...  74 

VIII    THE  LETTER 83 

IX    ADRIFT  AGAIN 96 

X    A  WINTER  AT  SLOCUM'S  LUCK 103 

XI    DRESS  REFORM  AT  THE  DIAMOND  DOT    .     .     .     .  121 

XII    THE  LASSOO  DUEL 139 

XIII  BUSINESS  is  BUSINESS 154 

XIV  THE  CHINESE  QUESTION 172 

XV    THE  DIAMOND  DOT  AGAIN 191 

XVI    THE  HIGHER  EDUCATION  OF  WOMAN 200 

XVII    IN  RETIREMENT 207 

XVIII    CUPID 222 

XIX    BARBIE  MAKES  A  DISCOVERY 237 

XX    RICHARD  WHITTINGTON  ARRIVES 243 

XXI    HAPPY  MAKES  A  DISCOVERY 252 


viii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

XXII  A  FRIENDLY  GAME 260 

XXIII  CAST  STEEL 269 

XXIV  FEMININE  LOGIC 277 

XXV  THE  WAYS  OF  WOMANKIND 288 

XXVI  A  MODERN  KNIGHT-ERRANT 298 

XXVII  THE  CREOLE  BELLE. 314 

XXVIII  THE  DAY  OF  THE  WEDDING 327 

XXIX  THE  FINAL  RECKONING 342 

XXX  THE  AFTERGLOW 348 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

PAGE 

"  I  Ml  give  you  just  ten  to  state  your  intentions  "  .       Frontispiece 

"  Would  you  need  any  more  help  ?  "  I  asked,  most  respectful  14 

"  Monody  you  beast !"  he  yelled 42 

Monody 54 

I  knew  I  could  beat  her  this  time 68 

Barbie 136 

Happy 164 

We  all  avalanched  into  the  cellar 188 

"  Me  good  man,  are  you  a  type  of  this  community?"    .     .  212 

Cupid 222 

"  Better  put  up  your  gun,  Frenchy,  er  you  '11  git  this  office 

all  mussed  up" 224 

"  Pullin'  on  a  rope  was  his  idee  o1  draw  poker  "   .     .     .     .  230 
"  Oh,  take  that  horrid  bulldog  away  !  "  she  squealed      .     .  232 
Bill  and  the  girl  had  come  to  a  pretty  harmonious  agree 
ment   236 

«  Why  Dad,  what 's  the  matter  " 268 

Cast  Steel  Judson 274 


HAPPY    HAWKINS 


CHAPTER   ONE 

THE   DIAMOND   DOT 

I  WAS  N'T  really  a  Westerner  an'  that 's  why  I  'm  so  dif 
ferent  from  most  of  'em.  Take  your  regular  bonie  fide 
Westerner  an'  when  he  dies  he  don't  turn  to  dust,  he  turns 
to  alkali ;  but  when  it  comes  my  turn  to  settle,  I  '11  jest 
natchely  become  the  good  rich  soil  o'  the  Indiana  cornbelt. 

I  was  born  in  Indiana  and  I  never  left  it  till  after  I  was 
ten  years  old.  That 's  about  the  time  boys  generally  start 
out  to  hunt  Injuns ;  but  I  kept  on  goin'  till  I  found  mine  — 
but  I  did  n't  kill  him  —  nor  him  me  neither,  as  far  as  that 
goes. 

I  allus  did  have  the  misfortune  o'  gettin'  hungry  at 
the  most  inconvenient  times,  an'  after  I  'd  been  gone  about 
two  weeks  I  got  quite  powerful  hungry,  so  I  natchely  got 
a  job  waitin'  on  a  lunch  counter  back  in  Omaha.  The 
third  day  I  was  there  I  was  all  alone  in  the  front  room  when 
in  walked  an  Injun.  He  was  about  eight  feet  high,  I  reckon ; 
and  the  fiercest  Injun  I  ever  see.  I  took  one  look  at  him 
an'  then  I  dropped  behind  the  counter  and  wiggled  back 
to  the  kitchen  where  the  boss  was.  I  gasped  out  that  the 
Injuns  was  upon  us  an'  then  I  flew  for  my  firearms. 

When  the  boss  discovered  that  the  Injun  and  fourteen 
doughnuts,  almost  new,  had  vanished,  he  was  some  put  out, 
and  after  we  had  discussed  the  matter,  I  acted  on  his  advice 


2  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

and  came  farther  West.  That  business  experience  lasted 
me  a  good  long  while.  I  don't  like  business  an'  I  don't 
blame  any  one  who  has  to  follow  it  for  a  livin'  for  wantin' 
to  have  a  vacation  so  he  can  get  out  where  the  air  is  fit 
to  breathe. 

Just  imagine  bein'  hived  up  day  after  day  with  nothin'  to 
see  but  walls  an'  nothin'  to  do  but  customers.  You  first  got 
to  be  friendly  with  your  visitors  to  make  'em  feel  at  home, 
an'  then  you  got  to  get  as  much  of  their  money  as  you  can 
in  order  to  keep  on  bein'  friendly  with  'em  in  order  to  keep 
on  gettin'  as  much  of  their  money  as  you  can. 

Now  out  in  the  open  a  feller  don't  have  to  be  a  hypocrite : 
once  I  worked  a  whole  year  for  a  man  who  hated  me  so  he 
would  n't  speak  to  me ;  but  I  did  n't  care,  I  liked  the  work 
and  I  did  it  an'  he  raised  my  wages  twice  an'  gave  me  a 
pony  when  I  quit. 

He  was  the  sourest  tempered  man  I  ever  see ;  but  it  was 
good  trainin'  to  live  with  him  a  spell.  Lots  of  men  has 
streaks  of  bein'  unbearable ;  but  this  man  was  the  only  one 
I  ever  met  up  with  who  was  solid  that  way,  and  didn't 
have  one  single  streak  of  bein'  likeable.  He  was  the  only 
man  I  ever  see  who  would  n't  talk  to  me.  I  was  a  noticing 
sort  of  a  kid  an'  I  saw  mighty  early  that  what  wins  the 
hearts  o'  ninety-nine  men  out  of  a  hundred  is  listenin'  to 
'em  talk.  That 's  why  I  don't  talk  much  myself.  But  you 
could  n't  listen  to  old  Spike  Williams,  'cause  the'  was  n't  no 
opportunity  —  he  did  n't  even  cuss. 

We  was  snowed  up  for  two  weeks  one  time  an'  I  took 
a  vow  'at  I  'd  make  him  talk.  I  tried  every  subject  I  'd 
ever  heard  of ;  but  he  did  n't  even  grunt.  Just  when  things- 
was  clearin'  off,  I  sez  to  him,  usin'  my  biggest  trump: 
"  Spike,"  sez  I,  "  do  you  know  what  they  say  about  you?  " 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT  3 

"  No,"  sez  he,  "  but  you  know  what  I  say  about  them,"  an' 
he  went  on  with  his  packin'. 

J  thought  for  a  while  'at  the  year  I  'd  spent  with  Spike 
Williams  was  a  total  loss ;  but  jest  the  contrary.  It  had  kept 
me  studyin'  an'  schemin'  an'  analysin'  until,  after  that  year 
had  been  stored  away  to  season,  I  discovered  it  was  the  best 
year  I  'd  ever  put  in,  an'  while  I  had  n't  got  overly  well  ac 
quainted  with  Spike,  I  had  become  mighty  friendly  with 
myself  and  was  surprised  to  find  out  how  much  the'  was 
to  me. 

Did  you  ever  think  of  that?  You  start  out  an'  a  feller 
comes  along  an'  throws  an  opinion  around  your  off  fore 
foot  an'  you  go  down  in  a  heap  an'  that  opinion  holds  you 
fast  for  some  time.  When  you  start  on  again  another 
feller  ropes  you  with  a  new  opinion,  an'  the  first  thing  you 
know  you  are  all  cluttered  up  an'  loaded  down  with  other 
fellers'  opinions,  an'  the'  ain't  enough  o'  your  own  self  left 
to  tell  what  you  're  like ;  but  after  that  winter  with  Spike 
I  was  pretty  well  able  to  dodge  an  opinion  until  I  had  time 
to  learn  what  it  meant. 

But  the  main  good  I  got  out  of  Spike  was  learn  in'  how 
to  take  old  Cast  Steel  Judson.  It  was  some  years  after 
this  before  I  met  up  with  him ;  but  the  good  effect  had  n't 
worn  off  and  me  an'  Cast  Steel  just  merged  together  like 
butter  an'  a  hot  penny.  I  was  n't  much  more  'an  a  kid  even 
then,  but  law!  I  wish  I  knew  just  half  as  much  now  as  I 
thought  I  did  then.  My  self  respect  was  certainly  a  bulky 
article  those  days  an'  I  was  n't  in  the  habit  of  undervaluin' 
my  own  judgment  —  not  to  any  great  extent ;  but  that 
habit  o'  study  I  'd  formed  with  Spike  was  my  balance  wheel, 
an'  I  generally  managed  to  keep  my  conceit  from  shuttin* 
out  the  entire  landscape. 


4  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

The'  was  n't  a  great  deal  escaped  my  eye,  'cause  I  begun 
to  notice  purty  tol'able  young  that  experience  is  consid'able 
like  a  bank  account :  takes  a  heap  o'  sweat  to  get  her  started, 
but  she  's  comfortable  to  draw  on  in  a  pinch. 

Ol'  man  Judson  was  a  curious  affair,  had  his  own  way  o' 
doin'  every  blessed  thing,  an'  whenever  he  hired  a  man  he 
always  went  through  the  same  rigamarole.  "  Now  what  I  'm 
contractin'  for,"  he  'd  say,  "  is  just  only  your  time  an'  what 
ever  part  o'  your  thinkin'  apparatus  as  is  needed  in  doin' 
your  share  o'  my  business.  If  I  detail  you  to  sit  in  the  shade 
an'  count  clouds,  I  don't  want  no  argument,  I  want  the  clouds 
counted.  When  I  don't  specially  express  a  hungerin'  for  any 
of  your  advice,  that 's  the  very  time  when  you  don't  need 
to  give  any.  Whenever  you  think  you  have  a  kick  comin' 
—  why  think  again.  Then  if  you  still  see  the  kick,  make  it 
to  the  foreman.  If  that  don't  work  make  it  to  me;  but 
when  you  make  it  to  me,  you  want  to  be  mighty  sure  it  will 
hold  water.  Above  all  things  I  hate  a  liar,  a  coward,  an'  a 
sneak.  Now  get  busy  'cause  life  is  short  an'  time  is  fleetin'." 

That  was  the  way  he  used  to  talk,  an'  some  used  to  set  him 
down  as  a  tyrant,  an'  some  had  him  guessed  in  as  a  rough 
old  codger  with  a  soft  heart,  —  everybody  took  a  guess  at 
him,  —  but  the  blood  in  the  turnip  was  that  ol'  Jabez  Judson 
was  purty  tol'able  sizey  when  you  came  to  fence  him  in. 
Everybody  called  him  Cast  Steel  Judson,  an'  you  might  work 
through  the  langwidge  five  times  without  adding  much  to 
the  description.  Hard  he  was  an'  stern  an'  no  bend  to  him ; 
but  at  the  same  time  you  could  count  on  him  acting  up  to 
his  nature.  He  wa'  n't  no  hypocrite,  an'  th'  's  a  heap  o'  com 
fort  jest  in  that.  A  feller  ain't  got  no  kick  comin'  when  a 
rattler  lands  on  him ;  but  if  a  wood  dove  was  to  poison  him, 
he  'd  have  a  fair  right  to  be  put  out. 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT  5 

The  only  child  'at  Cast  Steel  had  was  one  daughter;  but 
that  don't  indicate  that  paternity  was  one  long  vacation  for 
Jabez.  Barbie  —  her  full  name  was  Barbara  —  was  the 
sweetest  an'  the  gamest  an'  the  most  surpriseable  creature 
a  human  being  ever  met  up  with,  an'  ol'  Jabez  could  'a'  got 
along  handier  with  seven  sons  than  he  did  with  that  one 
girl.  Oh,  the  eyes  of  her  were  like  the  two  stars  over  old 
Savage,  snappin'  an'  twinklin'  an'  sparklin'  in  the  clear  winter 
nights,  or  soft  an'  shy  an'  tender  when  the  hazy  spring  moon 
cuddles  up  to  them.  She  was  n't  afraid  of  anything  'at  walks 
the  face  o'  the  earth,  an'  Jabez  had  a  hard  time  gettin'  used  to 
this  —  'cause  he  thought  she  ought  to  be  afraid  o'  him. 

Still,  he  fair  worshiped  her,  an'  if  he'd  been  given  full 
charge  o'  the  earth  for  jest  one  day,  an'  anything  would 
'a'  pestered  the  girl  durin'  that  day,  why  the  map-maker 
would  sure  have  had  a  job  on  the  day  follerin' ;  'cause  from 
his  standpoint,  that  girl  was  what  the  sun  shone  for  an' 
the  rain  rained  for  an'  the  blossoms  blossomed  for. 

We  was  allus  havin'  a  lot  o'  Easterners  string  along  during 
the  summer,  an'  they  generally  was  easy  to  entice  into  makin' 
a  little  visit  with  us.  Some  of  'em  would  spend  their  time 
crackin'  stones  an'  makin'  up  tales  about  their  bein'  speci- 
ments  o'  the  Zelooic  age  or  the  Palazoric  age  or  some  such 
a  fool  thing.  They  was  mostly  heathens,  an'  it  did  n't  do  no 
good  to  spring  the  Bible  on  'em  —  in  fact  after  we  got  able 
to  read  their  signs  we  never  contraried  'em  at  all,  but  just  let 
'em  heave  out  any  tale  they  could  think  up  an'  pretend  'at  we 
believed  it;  an'  hanged  if  I  don't  begin  to  suspicion  that 
the'  's  a  heap  o'  truth  in  some  o'  their  nonsense. 

Purty  near  every  one  of  'em  insisted  that  at  one  time  all 
those  mountains,  even  old  Savage,  had  been  under  water, 
an'  they  'd  take  us  out  an'  show  us  the  signs ;  but  we 


6  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

could  n't  stomach  that  until  we  found  out  that  this  was  one 
o'  the  Injun  traditions  too,  an'  then  we  give  in. 

Well,  one  o'  these  strays  was  what  they  call  an  astronomer. 
His  speciality  was  the  stars,  nothing  less;  an'  he  knew  'em 
by  name  an'  could  tell  you  how  far  off  they  are  an'  what  they 
weigh  an'  how  many  moons  they  had  an'  —  oh,  he  knew 
'em  the  same  as  I  know  the  home  herd,  an'  he  did  n't  only 
know  what  they  had  done  —  he  knew  what  they  was  a-goin' 
to  do,  an'  when  he  called  the  turn  on  'em,  why  they  up  an' 
done  it.  Comets  an'  eclipses  an'  sech  like  miracles  were  jest 
the  same  to  this  feller  as  winter  an'  summer  was  to  me,  an' 
we  fed  him  until  he  like  to  founder  himself,  tryin'  to  hold 
him  through  the  winter;  but  at  last  he  had  to  go,  an'  after 
he  'd  gone  Cast  Steel  was  purty  down-hearted  for  quite  a 
spell. 

"  It  ain't  fair,  Happy,"  sez  he  to  me  one  day  after  the 
astronomer  had  gone. 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  I  reckon  it  will  rain  before  mornin'." 

"  I  mean  it  ain't  a  fair  shake,"  sez  he.  "  Jupiter  has  eight 
of  'em  an7  we  ain't  but  one  an'  the'  ain't  nobody  lives  there, 
while  —  " 

"  What  do  you  happen  to  be  talkin'  of  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Why  moons,"  sez  he.  "  It  seems  too  doggone  bad  for 
that  confounded  planet  to  have  eight  moons  an'  no  one  to 
enjoy  'em  while  my  little  girl  jest  dotes  on  'em  an'  we  only 
have  one  —  an'  it  don't  work  more  'n  half  the  time." 

That  was  Cast  Steel:  he  didn't  look  on  life  or  death,  or 
wealth  or  poverty,  or  anything  else  except  in  the  way  it 
applied  to  Barbie  —  but  she  was  worth  it,  she  was  worth 
it,  an'  I  never  blamed  him  none. 

But  you  need  n't  get  the  idea  that  Jabez  was  one  o'  these 
fond  an'  lovin'  parents  what  sez :  "  My  child,  right  if  per- 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT  7 

fectly  convenient,  but  right  or  wrong,  my  child."  Not  on 
your  future  prospects !  Jabez,  he  sez :  "  My  child,  right 
from  the  shoes  up,  if  the  Rocky  Mountains  has  to  be  ground 
to  powder  to  make  her  so." 

I  remember  the  day  she  was  six  year  old;  he  hardly 
ever  laid  out  the  details  for  her  conduct,  he  jest  sort  o' 
schemed  out  a  general  plan  and  left  her  free  to  adjust  herself 
to  it,  like  a  feller  does  with  a  dog  or  a  pony  he  expects  to 
keep  a  long  time  an'  don't  want  to  turn  into  a  machine.  He 
had  told  Barbie  he  did  n't  want  her  to  ride  nothin'  'at  was  n't 
safe.  Well,  on  the  mornin'  she  became  a  six-year-old  he 
came  out  o'  the  side  door  an'  saw  her  disappearin'  in  the 
distance  on  top  a  big  pinto  'at  he  had  sent  over  for  Buck 
Harmon  to  bust;  it  havin'  already  pitched  Spider  Kelley 
an'  dislocated  his  shoulder. 

"  Who  roped  that  pony  for  her?"  yelled  Cast  Steel. 

"  I  did,"  sez  I.  "  She  said  'at  this  was  her  birthday  an* 
she  was  tired  of  actin'  like  a  kid  an'  intended  to  ride  a 
real  ridin'  hoss." 

"  If  a  hair  of  her  head  is  injured,  hell  won't  hide  ya!  " 
sez  Cast  Steel,  an'  his  lip  trembled  an'  his  eyes  fairly  smoked. 

"  She  's  jest  as  safe  as  if  she  was  in  her  bed,"  sez  I,  as 
gentle  as  I  could.  "  I  taught  her  how  to  ride,  an'  I  ain't 
ashamed  o'  the  job.  She  can  give  Spider  Kelley  cards  an' 
spades  an'  beat  him  to  it  every  time.  But  as  far  as  that 
goes  —  " 

I  did  n't  get  to  finish  because  here  she  come,  tearin'  back 
on  the  pinto.  Her  hair  was  flyin',  her  eyes  was  dancin',  an* 
she  was  laughin'  —  laughin'  out  loud.  Light  an'  easy  she 
pulled  the  pinto  up  beside  us  an'  calls  out :  "  Oh,  daddy,  this 
is  lovely,  this  is  mag-ni-fi-cent "  —  the  little  scamp  used 
to  pick  up  big  words  from  the  Easterners,  an'  when  she  had 


8  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

one  to  fit  she  never  wasted  time  on  a  measly  little  ranch 
word  —  "  oh,  I  'm  never  goin'  to  ride  old  Kate  again." 

"  Git  off  that  pony,"  sez  Jabez,  makin'  a  reach  for  the 
bit;  but  the  pony  shied,  whirled,  an'  purty  nigh  kicked  his 
head  off.  He  stood  still  in  a  daze  while  Barbie  was  circ 
ling  the  pony  an'  gettin'  him  quiet  again. 

"  How  's  she  goin'  to  get  off  ?  "  asked  Jabez,  turnin'  to  me. 

"  Simply  climb  down,"  sez  I  purty  short.  I  had  some 
temper  those  days,  an'  I  had  n't  got  over  his  insinuations,  ?.n' 
I  did  n't  intend  to. 

"  She  '11  be  killed !  "  sez  Jabez.    I  never  said  a  word. 

"  She  '11  be  killed !  "  he  repeated,  an'  his  voice  was  filled 
with  anguish. 

"  Get  down  off  the  pony,  Barbie,"  sez  I,  an'  she  threw 
her  little  leg  over  the  saddle  an'  hit  the  grass  like  an  ante 
lope.  The  pony  never  stirred.  OF  Jabez  stood  watchin' 
her  with  his  eyes  poppin'  out.  "  Turn  the  brute  loose !  ** 
he  shouts.  "  What  for? "  sez  she.  "  'Cause  I  say  so!  "  he 
fairly  roars. 

Well,  she  walks  up,  pats  the  pinto  on  the  nose,  an'  slips  the 
bridle  off  his  head.  He  just  stands  still  an'  watches  her  as 
mild  as  a  pint  o'  cream. 

"  Rope  that  pony,"  sez  Cast  Steel  to  me. 

"  Get  one  o'  your  own  men  to  rope  it,"  sez  I. 

He  looked  into  my  eyes  a  moment  an'  then  he  called 
to  George  Hendricks  to  rope  the  pinto;  but  when  George 
hove  in  sight  with  his  rope  the  pinto  took  to  his  heels  an' 
made  for  the  horizon.  "  There  goes  a  ninety-dollar  saddle," 
sez  Jabez  to  me,  "  an'  it 's  all  your  damned  nonsense." 

"  It  ain't  either,"  sez  Barbie,  as  fierce  as  a  wounded 
bear,  "  it 's  all  your  damned  nonsense.  Happy  has  been 
train  in'  that  pony  nights  for  my  birthday  an'  —  " 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT  g 

"  Barbara !  "  yells  Jabez,  "  what  do  you  mean  by  usin'  such 
langwidge  ?  I  '11  line  you  out  for  this.  You  know  mighty 
well  —  " 

"  Now  you  play  accordin'  to  the  rule,"  sez  Barbie.  "  You 
was  teachin'  me  to  play  seven  up  last  week  an'  you  said 
that  everybody  had  to  play  by  the  same  rule.  I  reckon 
that  goes  in  cussin'  too." 

Well,  they  looked  into  each  other's  eyes  for  quite  some 
while,  an'  then  Jabez  sez :  "  Go  into  the  house,  Barbara,  an' 
we  '11  both  think  it  over,  an'  as  soon  as  we  get  time  we  '11 
settle  it." 

"  All  right,"  sez  Barbie,  an'  she  turns  around  an'  marches 
to  the  house,  her  little  head  held  like  a  colonel's.  Just 
before  she  reached  the  house  she  turned  an'  calls :  "  You  '11 
get  the  pinto  for  me,  won't  you,  Happy?"  I  sort  o'  half 
nodded  my  head,  an'  she  went  on  into  the  house. 

"Did  you  ever  see  such  grit?"  sez  Cast  Steel,  "an'  her 
only  six.  Kids  oughtn't  to  act  so  grown  up  at  six,  had 
they,  Happy?" 

"  I  reckon  'at  kids  are  pretty  much  like  colts  an'  puppies 
an'  other  young  things:  give  'em  dolls  to  play  with  an' 
they'll  play  like  children,  but  start  'em  out  on  cards  an' 
ponies,  an'  range  'em  off  with  nothin'  but  grown  folks,  an' 
they  're  bound  to  have  ways  like  grown  folks'." 

Jabez  fidgeted  around  a  while,  an'  then  he  sez,  "Are 
you  goin'  to  try  to  catch  the  pinto?" 

"  I  am  goin'  to  catch  it,"  sez  I,  rollin'  a  cigarette. 

He  kind  o'  nervoused  around  a  few  minutes  longer  an' 
then  he  sez,  "What  did  you  mean  a  while  ago?" 

"Jest  whatever  I  said,"  sez  I.  "I  don't  know  what 
you're  a-referrin'  to,  but  if  I  said  it,  that's  what  I 
meant." 


10  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

"  When  I  asked  you  to  rope  the  pinto  you  told  me  to  git 
one  o'  my  own  men  to  rope  it ;  what  does  that  mean  ?  " 

"  It  means  that  when  a  man  tells  me  that  hell  can't  hide 
me  from  his  wrath,  I  'm  free  to  consider  myself  foot  loose. 
A  man  don't  want  to  slaughter  none  of  his  own  hands,  an' 
if  it  should  be  that  any  one  feels  called  upon  to  go  after 
my  hide,  I  don't  want  to  feel  that  the  time  I  'm  wastin'  in 
takin'  care  o'  that  hide  rightfully  belongs  to  another  man 
who  is  payin'  for  it.  Therefore  I  have  quit.  I  'm  goin' 
to  rope  the  pinto  for  Barbie,  but  I  would  n't  do  it  for  you, 
an'  when  I  get  back  I  '11  call  around  for  what 's  comin'  to 
me." 

"  Well,  go  an'  be  hanged !  You  always  was  the  most 
obstinate,  high-headed,  bull-intellected  thin-skin  'at  ever 
drew  down  top  wages  fer  punchin'  cows.  You  're  nothin' 
more  than  a  kid,  an'  yet  you  swell  around  an'  expect  a 
man  —  " 

"  Wrell,  I  don't  expect  nothin'  from  you,  ceptin'  my  wages," 
sez  I 

"  You  go  to  Jericho,  will  you !  "  snaps  Jabez.  "  You  don't 
need  to  think  that  I  'd  try  to  argue  any  man  on  earth  into 
workin'  for  me.  I  can  get  an  army  o'  riders  as  good  or 
better  than  you  —  but  the  gel  likes  you,  Happy,  an'  —  " 

"  An'  that 's  why  I  'm  goin'  after  the  pinto,"  sez  I,  an'  I 
flopped  onto  a  pony  an'  sailed  out  to  a  little  glen  in  the 
foothills  where  I  knew  I  M  find  him,  an'  as  soon  as  I  had 
towed  him  back  to  the  corral  I  put  my  saddle  on  the  old 
beast  I  had  rode  there  an'  set  off. 

Just  as  I  rode  around  the  edge  o'  the  corral,  ol'  man 
Judson  stood  there  grittin'  his  teeth.  "  What  are  you  ridin* 
that  old  skin  for  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  'Cause  it 's  the  only  pony  I  got,"  sez  I. 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT  11 

"  You  leave  it  here  an'  take  your  pick  out  o'  the  five- 
year-olds,"  sez  he. 

"  All  I  want  out  o'  this  ranch  is  what  I  have  earned," 
sez  I. 

"  If  you  don't  get  something  'at  your  pride  '11  earn  some 
day,  I  'm  the  biggest  fool  this  side  o'  the  big  ditch.  Here 's 
your  pay.  You  've  been  a  fair  hand,  but  don't  forget  that 
I  never  hire  a  man  twice,  an'  I  've  hired  you  once  already." 

"  Now  look  here,  Jabez,"  sez  I,  "  I  ain't  so  old  as  I  '11 
get  if  I  live  as  long  as  I  may,  but  I  'm  old  enough  to  know 
that  it 's  just  as  easy  to  find  a  good  boss  as  it  is  to  find  a 
good  man.  I  've  done  my  work  without  fussin',  an'  you  've 
seen  me  in  a  pinch  or  two;  an'  yet  this  very  mornin'  you 
intimated  that  I  'd  risk  Barbie  on  a  pony  she  could  n't  ride. 
The'  ain't  nothin'  I  would  n't  do  for  that  child,  but  you 
don't  understand  her,  an'  if  you  go  on  in  your  high-handed 
way  with  her  you  're  in  for  the  sorrow  o'  your  life  —  mark 
my  words." 

"  Here  's  your  money.  You  ain't  got  sense  enough  to 
know  your  place  an'  I  'm  glad  to  be  shut  of  you."  Jabez 
handed  me  my  pay  an'  stamped  over  to  the  ranch  house, 
while  I  kept  on  down  the  valley  trail. 

When  I  reached  the  turn  I  twisted  about  in  my  saddle 
an'  looked  at  the  cluster  o'  buildings.  They  looked  soft  an* 
gray  with  old  Mount  Savage  standin'  on  guard  back  of  'em, 
an'  the'  was  a  bigger  lump  under  my  necktie  than  I  gener 
ally  wore.  I  did  n't  have  much  call  to  go  anywhere,  an'  I 
sat  there  on  my  old  pony,  wonderin'  whether  or  not  it  paid  to 
be  game. 

If  my  mother  had  been  alive,  jest  at  that  point  would 
have  been  where  the  West  would  have  lost  the  benefit  of  my 
personal  supervision  —  but  then  if  my  mother  had  lived  I 


12  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

should  n't  never  'a'  left  home.  I  stood  a  stepmother  six 
months  out  o'  respect  to  my  Dad,  but  I  would  n't  'a'  stood 
that  one  a  year  —  well,  anyway,  not  unless  I  'd  been  chained 
an'  muzzled. 

It 's  a  funny  thing  to  me  how  a  man  can  drink  an'  fight 
an'  carry  on  for  a  year  at  a  clip  an'  then  all  of  a  sudden 
feel  a  hurtin'  somewhere  inside  that  nothin'  would  n't 
help  but  a  little  pettin'.  He  knows  doggone  well  'at  there 
ain't  none  comin'  to  him,  so  he  hides  it  by  cuttin'  up  a  little 
worse  than  usual  but  it 's  there,  an'  Gee !  but  it  does  rest 
heavy  when  it  comes.  Why,  take  me  even  now  when  the' 
would  n't  nothin'  but  a  grizzly  bear  have  the  nerve  to  coddle 
me,  an'  yet  week  before  last  I  felt  so  blue  an'  solitary  'at  I 
could  n't  'a'  told  to  save  me  whether  I  was  homesick  or 
whether  it  was  only  'cause  the  beans  was  a  little  sour. 

I  sat  there  on  the  old  pony  a  good  long  time,  an'  then  I 
heaved  a  sigh  'at  made  me  swell  out  like  an  accordion,  an* 
headed  back  to  the  valley  trail.  When  I  turned  around, 
there,  standin'  in  the  trail  before  me  with  a  streak  down 
each  cheek,  stood  Barbie. 

"  Ya  ain't  goin',  are  ya  ?  "  sez  she. 

"  I  got  to  go,  honey,"  sez  I. 

"Ain't  ya  never  comin'  back?"  asked  she. 

"  Oh,  I  '11  come  back  some  day,  ridin'  a  big  black  hoss 
with  silver  trimmed  leather  —  an'  what  shall  I  bring  little 
Barbie?"  sez  I,  tryin'  to  be  gay. 

"  Just  bring  me  yourself,  Happy,  that 's  all  the  present  I 
want.  I  love  you  because  you  're  the  handsomest  man  in 
the  world  "  —  yes,  it  was  me  she  meant,  only  o'  course  that 
was  some  years  ago  an'  the  child  was  unthinkable  young  — 
"  an'  cause  you  tell  me  the  nicest  stories,  an'  train  pintos, 
an'  —  an'  I  'm  goin'  to  marry  you  when  I  grow  up." 


THE     DIAMOND     DOT  13 

"Marry  me,  kitten?"  sez  I,  laughin'  free  an'  natural  this 
time.  "  Why,  bless  your  heart,  where  did  you  ever  hear  o' 
marriage  ?  " 

"  My  Daddy  tells  me  of  my  mother,  an'  what  a  beautiful 
lady  she  was,  an'  how  happy  they  were  together  —  an'  I  'm 
goin'  to  marry  you  when  you  come  back." 

"  Well,  Barbie,"  sez  I  right  soberly,  "  you  be  true  to 
me  an'  I  '11  be  true  to  you,  an'  now  we  '11  kiss  to  bind  the 
promise." 

So  I  lifted  her  to  my  saddle  an'  kissed  her.  "  How  did  you 
get  here,  child?"  sez  I. 

She  did  n't  answer  for  a  minute.  "  I  rode  old  Kate," 
said  she  at  last,  "  but  I  did  n't  want  you  to  know  it.  She  's 
over  behind  that  rock.  And  now,  Happy,  don't  you  dare 
to  forget  me.  Good-bye." 

I  set  her  down  in  the  road  with  her  eyes  misty  an'  her 
white  teeth  set  in  her  lips,  an'  my  own  eyes  were  so  hazy 
like  that  I  could  n't  see  her  when  I  looked  back,  an'  then  I 
rode  away  down  the  valley  trail. 


CHAPTER   TWO 

CONVINCING   A   COOK 

I  'M  as  wild  as  any  comet  when  I  first  swing  out  o'  my 
regular  orbit,  an'  I  rode  on  an'  on,  sometimes  puttin'  up 
for  the  night  at  a  ranch  house  an'  sometimes  campin'  out  in 
the  open,  where  I  'd  lay  till  dawn  gazin'  up  at  the  stars  an' 
wonderin'  how  things  were  goin',  back  at  the  Diamond  Dot. 
I  mooned  on  until  at  last  I  wound  up  in  the  Pan  Handle 
without  a  red  copper,  an'  my  pony  sore  footed  an'  lookin' 
like  what  a  crow  gets  when  the  coyotes  invite  him  out  to 
dinner. 

I  drew  rein  one  night  along  side  a  most  allurin'  camp 
fire.  I  had  noticed  the  herd  when  I  came  along  in,  an' 
they  was  dandies ;  big  solid  five-year-olds,  hog  fat,  but  they 
was  n't  contented  —  kept  fidgetin'  around.  When  I  struck 
the  fire,  a  fair  haired  young  feller  was  readin'  a  book,  two 
Greasers  an'  a  half  blood  Injun  was  playin'  poker  with  an 
old  bunch  o'  whiskers  'at  wasn't  a  ridin'  man  at  all  while 
the  cook  had  turned  in  without  washin'  the  dishes. 

"If  anybody  's  at  home,"  sez  I,  "  I  'd  like  to  ask  permis 
sion  to  set  down  an'  rest." 

"  Why,  certainly,  make  yourself  at  home,"  sez  the  fair- 
hair.  The  balance  o'  the  bunch  only  give  me  the  side  eye. 

"  Would  you  need  any  more  help  ?  "  I  asked,  most  respect 
ful. 

"  No,  thank  you,"  sez  the  young  feller,  "  I  think  we  '11 
make  it  all  right." 

"  You  have  a  nice  bunch  here,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  thought 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  15 

perhaps  you  might  want  to  get  'em  to  market  in  good  shape. 
I  am  referrin'  to  the  cows"  —  I  continued,  kind  o'  takin' 
the  cover  off  my  voice. 

"  We  expect  to  get  them  to  market  in  good  shape,"  sez 
the  fair-hair,  uncoilin'  his  dignity.  I  rolled  a  cigarette. 

"  What  makes  you  think  we  won't  get  them  to  market  in 
good  shape  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  'Cause  your  cook  's  got  a  sour  temper,  an'  the'  ain't  no 
one  bossin'  the  job  —  'at  knows  how,"  sez  I,  mild  an'  open- 
faced,  an'  lookin'  into  the  fire.  The  fair-hair  straightens  up 
with  a  snort,  while  the  pot-openers  begin  to  cuss  sort  o' 
growly. 

"  Where  are  you  from  an'  how  long  have  you  been  making 
my  business  your  own  ?  "  asked  the  fair-hair. 

"  Oh,  I  come  from  up  no'th  a  ways ;  but  I  ain't  ever  made 
your  business  mine.  I  never  saw  your  outfit  until  twenty 
•minutes  ago  —  but  I  've  seen  other  outfits." 

"Can  you. handle  cattle?"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I  —  "  and  men." 

"  Well,  I  think  you  can  join  us,"  sez  he,  kind  o'  slow. 
"  The  cattle  don't  seem  to  be  as  gentle  as  they  did  when  we 
started.  I  think  it  is  because  we  are  short  handed  and  have 
to  be  a  little  too  rough  with  them."  I  did  n't  answer. 

"  Well,  do  you  want  the  job?  "  sez  he. 

"  Who  's  the  foreman?  "  sez  I. 

"  I  am  in  charge,"  he  answers  stiff  like. 

"  You  're  the  owner,  I  know,  but  who  's  in  charge  o'  the 
men?" 

"  I  take  full  supervision,"  sez  he. 

"  I  don't  want  the  job,"  sez  I. 

"All  right,"  he  snaps,  "I  don't  recall  havin'  sent  for 
you." 


16  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

"  No  offense,"  sez  I,  "  but  up  my  way  it 's  generally 
polite  to  inquire  about  the  appetite.  If  any  one  was  to  ask 
me,  I  'd  say  I  was  hungry.  If  any  one  was  to  urge  me, 
I  M  be  obliged  to  meet  up  with  a  little  food."  I  looked  him 
gently  in  the  eyes.  He  dropped  his  an'  looked  put  out. 

"  Tell  you  the  truth,  I  'm  havin'  a  dog's  time  of  it  with 
my  cook.  He's  gone  to  bed  an'  I  don't  think  there's  a 
thing  to  eat." 

"What '11  the  night  riders  do?"  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  they  '11  raise  Cain  as  usual,  but  that 's  all  the  good 
it  '11  do  'em." 

"  That  ain't  all  they  '11  do,"  sez  I.  "  Chances  are  they  '11 
take  it  out  on  the  cattle,  an'  they  may  —  they  may  even 
go  so  far  as  to  get  the  cattle  to  cut  up  until  the  day  shift  has 
to  turn  out  an'  help  quiet  'em." 

"  Is  that  the  reason  ?  "  he  asked,  his  face  lightin'  up. 

"  I  don't  know  for  sure,  but  that 's  my  first  guess,"  sez  I. 

He  looked  down  at  his  feet  an'  I  looked  him  over.  He 
was  a  nice  lookin',  well  built  boy,  but  he  was  up  against 
it  for  about  the  first  time,  an'  I  saw  his  finish.  "  I  would 
take  the  job  o'  foreman,"  I  sez. 

"  I  hire  you  —  ten  a  month  advance  over  regular  wages, 
an'  you  to  begin  to-morrow." 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  me  to  begin  to-night  —  with  supper." 

"  All  right,"  sez  he,  laughin',  "  help  yourself." 

I  walked  over  to  the  cook  wagon ;  as  I  hit  the  shadow  I 
loosened  my  guns,  an'  the  very  minute  they  slipped  in  their 
holsters  my  lone-sickness  rolled  off  like  a  cloud  an'  the 
hurtin'  melted  out  o'  my  inwards.  They  was  somethin' 
rolled  up  in  a  Navajo  under  the  cook  wagon  an'  I  sized  it 
up.  It  appeared  to  be  seven  feet  long,  but  I  kicked  it  in  the 
ribs.  Things  began  to  happen  at  once.  A  huge  creature  of 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  17 

a  man  slid  out  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  cook  wagon,  an' 
when  he  came  around  the  tail  of  it  he  was  holdin'  a  bear 
gun  so  it  would  explode  without  much  ceremony.  He  was 
usin'  some  language  an'  his  speed  was  a  thing  to  covet ; 
but  I  just  stood  with  my  back  to  the  fire,  waitin'  until  I 
could  get  a  chance  to  introduce  myself.  He  was  in  the  light, 
an'  he  was  enough  to  make  a  man  reform.  Nigger,  Greaser, 
Injun  —  oh,  he  was  the  hardest  lookin'  specimen  I  had  ever 
seen,  an'  the  think  that  occurred  to  me  was  that  some  time 
a  woman  had  rocked  him  to  sleep  an'  —  kissed  him.  That 's 
the  queer  thing  about  me.  My  face  don't  change,  but  I 
never  got  into  a  mess  in  my  life  without  some  outlandish, 
foreign  idea  poppin'  into  my  head  an'  tryin'  to  hog  my  atten 
tion. 

My  attention  was  n't  much  required  just  at  that  moment 
anyhow.  He  held  the  bear  gun  loose  in  his  hand  an'  swore 
on  like  the  roar  of  a  mountain  torrent.  Once  I  glanced 
over  my  shoulder  an'  saw  a  pained  look  on  the  fair-hair's 
face,  while  the  ante-up  bunch  was  grinning  wickedly  an' 
waitin'  for  my  finish.  Me  lookin'  younger  an'  easier  at  that 
time  than  I  really  was,  proved  a  big  thing  in  my  favor. 
Well,  as  soon  as  the  mongrel  cook  had  cussed  himself  clean 
an'  dry,  he  yells  at  me,  "  Who  in  the  hell  are  you  an'  what 
in  the  hell  do  you  want?" 

"  I  'm  the  new  foreman,"  sez  I  in  a  school-girl  voice,  "  an* 
I  want  my  supper." 

He  was  n't  prepared  for  it  an*  dropped  his  gun  to  his 
side  while  he  began  to  narrate  false  an'  profane  eulogies 
about  my  breedin'  an'  past  history.  He  took  a  few  steps 
toward  me  so  as  I  would  n't  lose  none  of  his  remarks,  an' 
all  of  a  sudden  I  swung  half  around  an'  kicked  him  in  the 
jaw  with  my  heel,  which  was  a  trick  I  had  learned  from  a 


i8  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

French  sailor.  It  took  me  forty-five  minutes  to  come  to, 
after  I  received  my  first  an'  only  lesson,  an'  I  wasted  a 
full  year  huntin'  for  that  sailor.  Any  time  durin'  the  first 
six  months  I  'd  have  ventilated  him  completely,  but  after 
that  I  wanted  to  thank  him,  'cause  I  had  learned  an'  tried  the 
trick  by  that  time,  an'  it  was  worth  all  it  cost. 

But  this  cook  was  no  wax  rigger,  an'  he  only  lay  quiet  a 
moment  before  he  began  to  roll  around  an'  groan.  I  picked 
up  a  neck  yoke  what  was  handy,  an'  I  went  for  him.  I  hit 
him  in  the  butt  o'  the  ear  an'  on  the  back  o'  the  neck  an* 
in  the  center  o'  the  forehead  —  I  tried  him  out  in  all  the  most 
stylish  places,  until  finally  he  dozed  off. 

"  Bring  me  a  lantern  —  you  man  with  the  whiskers,"  I 
called  out. 

He  riz  to  his  feet  like  a  machine.  "  It  ain't  filled,"  he 
said. 

"  I  don't  know  much  about  fillin'  lanterns"  I  remarked 
to  him  kindly,  "  but  I  have  had  some  experience  in  fillin' 
other  things.  Bring  me  the  lantern,  filled  an'  lighted  —  and 
don't  keep  me  waitin'." 

I  then  noticed  two  fellers  a  hoss  back.  "  Do  you  belong 
to  this  outfit  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  we  're  the  night  riders,"  answered  one  o'  'em 
stickin'  up  his  hands,  which  plan  seemed  good  to  the  other 
one  also. 

"  What  are  you  doin'  here  this  time  o'  the  evenin'  ?  "  I 
asked  'em. 

"  We  heard  the  racket  an'  we  —  we  thought  something  was 
wrong,  an'  we  —  we  came  in  to  see  —  " 

"  That 's  all  right,"  sez  I,  "  I  'm  the  new  foreman.  You 
don't  need  to  put  your  hands  up  every  time  we  meet,  but 
I  want  you  to  understand  right  now  that  I  don't  want  those 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  19 

cows  pestered  any  more.  This  outfit  is  going  to  run  smoother 
from  this  on,  an'  as  soon  as  the  cook  feels  better  he  is  going 
to  cook  my  supper.  I  '11  see  that  there  is  plenty  o'  coffee 
for  your  midnight  lunch,  an'  I  want  you  to  enjoy  yourselves 
—  but  I  don't  stand  for  no  nonsense." 

I  made  a  motion  with  my  eye  an'  they  rode  back  to  the 
herd,  an'  by  that  time  the  lantern  had  arrived,  an'  I  poked 
around  in  the  cook's  belongings  an'  confiscated  two  shootin' 
irons  an'  a  wicked  Mexican  knife.  Then  I  threw  a  bucket 
o'  water  in  his  face  an'  he  came  out  of  it. 

"  How  do  you  feel  ?  "  I  asked  him. 

"  Oh,  hell,"  he  moaned,  an'  he  meant  every  word  of  it, 
an*  more. 

"  Now  see  here,  cook,"  sez  I,  in  a  mild  voice,  "  I  hate 
trouble,  an'  I  don't  intend  to  be  pestered  with  it.  Do  you 
know  how  to  cook  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  he  muttered. 

"  Speak  out  free  an'  easy,"  I  sez ;  "  no  blood  at  all  is  better 
than  bad  blood,  an'  if  you  don't  feel  able  to  forgive  me  an' 
go  about  your  work  in  a  friendly  way,  why  I  '11  feel  com 
pelled  to  remove  you  from  our  midst.  You  're  not  injured 
none,  only  bruised  a  bit,  and  I  'm  famished  for  my  supper. 
I  'm  always  quick  tempered  when  I  'm  hungry  an'  I  'm  gettin' 
hungrier  every  minute.  Are  you  ready  to  begin  ?  " 

He  slowly  got  up  to  his  feet  an'  looked  at  me.  "  Come 
over  to  the  fire  an'  have  a  good  look,"  I  said,  as  though  we 
were  old  friends. 

He  followed  me  over  to  the  fire  an'  he  sure  gave  me  a  look- 
over.  "  You  're  bigger  'n  I  thought  you  was,  an'  you  Ve  been 
purty  well  seasoned.  I  ain't  never  yet  been  licked  without 
a  gun  an'  I  did  n't  think  it  could  be  did.  Will  you  fight 
me  again  —  without  weapons  ?  " 


20  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

"  1 '11  never  fight  you  again  but  once,"  sez  I,  an'  my 
lips  were  smiling,  but  all  of  a  sudden  a  hatred  of  his  cruel, 
evil  eyes  came  over  me,  an'  my  lips  curled  back  over  my  teeth. 
"If  you  had  known  I  was  your  foreman  an'  had  mixed 
with  me  I  'd  'a'  killed  you  a  few  moments  ago.  The  very 
next  time  you  cross  me  I  '11  kill  you.  I  sleep  light  —  when 
I  do  sleep.  Are  you  goin'  to  cook  my  supper  ?  " 

"  Yes,  you  blasted  rattler,"  sez  he,  with  a  grin,  "  you  're 
the  killin'  kind  an'  you  're  the  killin'  age,  but  I  know  when 
the  jig  's  up.  I  know  your  name  all  right,  but  hanged  if 
I  can  see  through  your  game.  I  ain't  goin'  to  try,  either.  As 
long  as  you  choose  to  play  at  bein'  foreman,  I  '11  play  at 
bein'  cook,  an'  when  you  start  on  again,  I  'm  willin'  to  join 
ya.  I  '11  get  your  supper  in  a  jiffey,  Kid." 

I  sauntered  over  to  the  fair-hair,  tryin'  to  act  as  if  this  was 
an  every  day  occurrence.  He  had  never  changed  his  position 
all  through  it,  although  his  hands  were  tremblin'. 

I  sat  down  beside  him  an'  he  chuckled  softly  —  I  liked  that 
chuckle.  It  was  boyish  an'  friendly,  but  most  of  all  it 
showed  a  good  foundation.  He  was  new  to  the  game,  but 
he  was  the  kind  that  learned. 

"  I  suppose  I  'm  purt  nigh  as  old  as  you,"  he  blurted  out. 

"  In  some  things,  mebbe  —  not  in  the  cattle  business," 
sez  I. 

"  No,"  he  grinned,  "  nor  in  the  man-handlin'  business, 
but  I  want  to  tell  you  right  now  that  I  have  enjoyed  this 
evenin's  performance,  no  matter  what  happens  from  it.  I 
ain't  carryin'  much  cash  with  me,"  he  added  after  a  moment's 
thought. 

"  I  ain't  carryin'  any,"  sez  I. 

He  looked  into  my  face  again  an'  gave  his  chuckle.  A 
feller  couldn't  help  but  echo  when  that  fair-hair  chuckled. 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  21 

"  I  heard  the  cook  say  he  knew  you  an'  he  called  you  Kid  — 
I  suppose  you  are  the  Pan  Handle  Kid  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  I  did  n't  know  the7  was  a  Pan  Handle  Kid,  but  they  're 
pretty  common  an'  they  're  all  a  good  bit  alike.  Forced 
to  begin  killin'  before  they  're  able  to  put  the  right  value 
on  life,  an'  once  they  begin,  no  way  to  stop.  Now  I  '11  tell 
you  confidential  that  I  'm  not  the  Pan  Handle,  nor  any  other 
kind  of  a  kid,  although  I  once  was  the  makin'  of  one.  Still, 
it  will  make  matters  easier  if  this  bunch  thinks  I  am,  so 
we  '11  just  let  it  go  at  that.  My  name  is  Happy  Hawkins; 
what  might  I  call  you  ?  " 

"  Happy  ?  "  —  he  opens  his  eyes  like  saucers  an'  then  he 
laughs  like  a  boy.  "  Well,  I  watched  you  goin'  after  the 
cook  with  the  neck  yoke  an'  I  never  in  the  world  would 
have  called  you  Happy." 

"  Well,  you  '11  see  me  trail  in  this  bunch  o'  beef  cattle, 
smooth  an'  contented  an'  with  every  man  jack  rollin'  fat  an' 
dimpled  to  the  knuckles.  They  've  had  their  last  fuss.  I  '11 
feed  'em  an'  I  '11  work  'em  from  now  on,  an'  you  won't  know 
'em  when  we  hit  the  market.  Where  you  headin'  for,  K. 
C?" 

c<  Yes.     My  name  is  Mister  Jamison  —  James  Jamison." 

"  This  is  a  warm  climate,"  sez  I. 

"  Yes,"  he  sez  sort  o'  surprised,  "  it  is." 

"  It  has  an  awful  meltin'  effect  on  names,"  I  continued. 

He  chuckled  again.  "  I  'm  mighty  glad  you  arrived, 
Happy,"  sez  he.  "  What  do  you  suppose  '11  happen  to  my 
name?" 

"  Well,"  I  sez,  "  if  you  get  yours  before  they  learn  to 
like  you,  it  '11  probably  be  James  Jamison  on  the  headboard, 
but  if  you  make  good,  it  '11  be  Jim  Jimison  on  Sundays  an* 
jest  plain  Jim  for  every  day." 


22  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

"  That  suits  me,"  sez  he.  "  I  'm  entered  for  the  whole 
race,  an'  I  'm  glad  to  get  off  as  soon  as  possible." 

"  Supper 's  ready,"  called  the  cook,  an'  when  I  gave  a 
whoop  an'  bolted  for  it  he  giggled  like  a  big  fat  mammy. 
I  had  turned  up  the  side  of  his  nature  'at  would  be  most 
useful  to  our  business.  I  took  a  sip  o'  the  coffee  while  he 
kept  his  eyes  glued  on  me.  "  Come  over  here,  Jim,"  I 
called. 

Jim  came  over  lookin'  a  little  anxious.  "  Taste  that  stuff," 
sez  I. 

He  tasted  it  an'  his  face  changed  as  though  he  had  caught 
a  vision  of  the  better  world,  but  I  kept  my  face  like  the 
face  of  an  angry  bear.  "What  do  you  call  this  stuff?" 
I  asked  the  cook,  an'  his  face  grew  dark  as  a  thunder  cloud. 

"  That 's  coffee !  "  he  roared. 

"  When  was  the  pot  cleaned  ?  "  I  asked,  with  my  brows 
drawn  down  to  the  bridge  of  my  nose. 

"  Not  more  'n  ten  minutes  ago,"  he  yelled ;  and  I  got  up 
an'  holding  my  cup  in  my  hand  I  danced  about  twenty  dif 
ferent  dances,  while  that  cook  like  to  split  his  sides  laughin'. 
He  was  a  cook,  the'  was  no  gettin'  around  it,  an'  Jim,  he 
turned  in  an'  fed  his  face  while  first  his  cheeks  would  dimple 
with  the  gladness  o'  the  moment,  an'  then  his  eyes  would 
sadden  as  he  thought  of  all  the  good  eatin'  he  had  missed 
by  not  knowin'  the  proper  kind  o'  diplomacy  to  use  in 
handlin'  a  cook.  An'  me!  —  say,  I  mowed  away  until  my 
skin  begun  to  creak  under  the  strain  an'  I  could  n't  roll  my 
eyes  more  'n  two  degrees.  Then  I  got  up  an'  I  shook  hands 
with  the  cook. 

"  Cook,"  I  sez,  "  no  matter  how  devilish  wicked  you  Ve 
been  in  the  past,  an'  no  matter  how  faithful  you  live  up 
to  your  inner  nature  in  the  future,  you  're  sure  of  a  number 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  23 

nine  crown  an'  a  spotless  robe  jest  fer  this  one  meal";   an' 
the  cook,  he  fairly  glistened  in  the  firelight. 

Well,  this  was  about  all  they  was  to  that  expedition.  We 
all  got  to  be  so  friendly  with  one  another  that  by  the  time 
we  had  trailed  that  bunch  into  the  stock  yards,  we  was 
like  one  big  family  of  elder  brothers,  an'  Jim,  he  teased  me 
into  goin'  back  to  the  Pan  Handle  with  him. 

Jim  was  an  Englishman  —  a  younger  brother.  Up  to 
that  time  I  had  allus  supposed  'at  bein'  a  younger  brother 
was  somewhat  in  the  nature  of  an  accident,  an'  not  a  thing 
to  be  hurled  in  a  feller's  teeth ;  but  over  in  England  it 's 
looked  upon  as  a  heinius  crime,  an'  the  only  thing  a  younger 
brother  can  do  to  square  himself  is  to  get  out  o'  sight. 
That's  how  Jim  happened  to  be  in  the  Texas  Pan  Handle 
with  a  tidy  little  fortune  his  aunt  had  left  him,  tucked  away 
in  a  good-sized,  well-stocked  ranch. 

I  took  a  good  deal  o'  pains  with  him,  'cause  he  didn't 
have  nothin'  but  a  book  education,  an'  it  was  n't  altogether 
easy  to  get  him  to  see  the  true  value  o'  things.  He  used  to 
talk  about  Eton  an'  Oxford  purty  solemn,  until  one  night  he 
helped  me  mill  the  herd  durih'  a  Norther',  an'  after  that  he 
took  more  kindly  to  the  vital  things  o'  life,  but  he  was  a  man, 
Jim  was,  an'  he  kept  raisin'  my  wages  right  along  until  I 
got  that  opulent  feelin'.  I  never  could  stand  prosperity 
those  days;  just  as  soon  as  I  had  a  weight  o'  money  'at  I 
could  notice,  I  begun  to  grow  restless,  an'  nothin'  'at  Jim 
could  do  or  say  had  much  effect. 

If  things  hadn't  run  in  oil,  I'd  a-stayed  right  along,  I 
reckon ;  but  it  got  so  'at  the'  was  n't  a  hitch  from  week  to 
week,  an'  I  could  n't  stand  it.  I  never  had  a  better  friend 
in  the  world  'n  that  cook  was  after  he  'd  saved  my  life. 

Jim  had  a  kid  sort  o'  c.horin'  around  the  place  an'  keepin' 


24  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

us  from  gettin'  old  an'  stupid.  One  nice  bright  winter's 
day  the  kid  went  out  for  a  ride;  his  pony  came  lopin'  in 
just  at  sun  down  in  the  face  of  a  blizzard,  an'  I  went  out  to 
look  for  the  kid.  I  found  him  trudgin'  toward  home  an1 
cussin'  his  luck  somethin'  terrible.  I  put  him  up  behind  me 
an'  by  that  time  the  wind  was  shootin'  needles  o'  sleet  into 
my  face  'till  I  could  n't  see  a  yard  ahead.  The  kid  snuggled 
up  to  me  an'  went  to  sleep,  an'  I  gave  the  pony  his  head  an' 
trusted  to  luck  —  no,  come  to  think  about  it,  that  night  I 
trusted  to  somethin'  higher  than  luck,  'cause  it  was  a  perfect 
demon  of  a  night. 

The  pony  dropped  from  a  lope  to  a  walk  an'  then  he 
put  his  nose  to  the  ground  an'  fairly  shuffled  along.  I  was 
wearin'  sheepskin  with  the  wool  on,  but  after  a  time  the 
needles  began  to  creep  in  an'  I  grew  numb  as  a  stone,  while 
my  flesh  seemed  shook  loose  from  my  bones,  an'  it  hurt  me 
to  breathe.  Oh,  Lord,  but  it  was  cold !  If  it  had  n't  'a'  been 
for  the  kid  I  'd  have  gotten  down  an'  walked  alongside 
the  pony,  but  as  it  was,  he  was  out  o'  the  wind  an'  sleepin' 
peaceful,  so  I  just  sat  an'  took  it. 

At  last  I  sort  o'  drowsed  off  myself.  I  did  n't  sleep,  but 
I  was  n't  awake ;  I  seemed  to  be  back  at  the  Diamond  Dot 
an'  playin'  in  a  little  sheltered  dell  with  Barbie.  She  had 
made  up  a  game  called  Fairy  Princess ;  sometimes  she  was 
the  Fairy  Princess  an'  sometimes  I  was,  an'  it  was  a  mighty 
amusin'  sort  of  a  game,  but  different  from  most  o'  the  games 
I  was  familiar  with. 

Well,  that  night  out  in  the  Texas  blizzard  I  was  playin' 
that  game  with  little  Barbie,  an'  all  of  a  sudden  —  smash ! 
Before  I  knowed  what  had  happened  we  had  been  run 
into  an'  knocked  down  a  ravine  an'  both  the  kid  an'  the  pony 
was  lyin'  on  top  o'  me.  The  kid  got  up  an'  begun  to  cuss  as 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  25 

usual,  but  the  pony  never  moved.  I  'd  a  heap  sight  rather 
had  the  conditions  reversed,  'cause  the  pony  was  on  my 
right  leg  an'  my  right  leg  was  on  a  sharp  stone. 

"  Shut  up,  kid,"  sez  I,  "  this  ain't  no  time  for  such  talk. 
Here,  you  curl  up  alongside  the  pony  an'  I  '11  spread  part 
o'  my  coat  over  you." 

That  kid  was  a  home-maker  all  right;  nothin'  ever  sur 
prised  him,  an'  wherever  he  lit  he  made  himself  comfortable. 
In  two  minutes  he  was  asleep,  while  I  began  to  puzzle  it 
out.  We  were  in  a  sheltered  spot  an'  the  wind  swept  above 
us ;  but  it  was  so  dark  that  you  could  n't  see  ten  inches. 
The  wind  was  from  the  no'th,  an'  I  went  over  every  bit 
o'  landscape  in  the  country  until  at  last  I  figgered  out  the* 
was  only  one  place  in  Texas  that  filled  the  bill.  A  path  swung 
around  a  crag  an'  the'  was  a  shelf  of  stone  ten  feet  below  it 
an'  eight  feet  wide,  then  it  cut  off  sheer,  fifty  feet  to  the 
rocky  bank  of  a  creek.  I  reached  out  with  my  hand  an* 
felt  the  edge  of  it,  an'  it  give  me  an  awful  chill.  I  don't 
like  to  come  quite  so  close. 

After  a  time  the  wind  veered  around  a  little  more  to 
the  east  an'  then  it  sucked  up  through  the  cut  an'  I  began  to 
freeze.  I  did  n't  care  a  great  deal  'cause  it  stopped  the  horrid 
hurtin'  in  my  leg;  but  the  dead  pony  began  to  cool,  an'  I 
knew  it  was  only  a  question  o'  minutes.  Finally  I  awoke  the 
kid.  "  Where  is  your  gun,  kid  ?  "  I  sez. 

"  I  shot  all  my  catridges  tryin'  to  bring  some  one  out  on 
a  pony,"  sez  the  kid,  drowsily,  an'  then  he  dozes  off  again. 

We  were  only  a  mile  from  the  ranch  house;  it  was 
again  the  wind  an'  it  was  n't  much  use  to  waste  ammuni 
tion,  but  I  finally  got  out  my  gun  an'  begun  to  shoot  at 
intervals. 

"  What  the  deuce  you  makin'  that  racket  for  ?  "  grunted 


26  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

the  kid  at  the  third  shot.  I  boxed  his  ears  and  went  on 
shootin'  until  at  last  the  cold  went  through  sheepskin  an' 
woolens  an'  hide  an'  flesh,  an'  I  grew  warm  an'  contented ; 
an'  the  next  I  knew,  the  cook  was  rubbin'  my  wrists  an' 
pourin'  hot  coffee  into  me.  I  was  purty  mad  at  bein'  dragged 
back  to  earth  an'  grumbled  about  it  free  an'  hearty,  but  the 
cook  kept  croonin'  to  me  the  same  as  if  I'd  been  a  baby: 
"  Neveh  mind,  honey,  neveh  mind ;  ol'  Monody  '11  bring  ya 
around  all  right.  Take  another  sip  o'  coffee,  chile,  that's 
right,  that 's  right." 

It  took  me  quite  a  spell  before  I  could  tell  whether  I  was 
alive  or  not,  'cause  while  the  cook  had  changed  a  heap  since 
I  'd  first  met  up  with  him,  I  'd  never  heard  any  such  talk 
as  this ;  but  after  a  time  I  came  out  of  it  an'  the  anguish  I 
underwent  gettin'  back  to  life  was  n't  nowise  worth  the 
experiment. 

It  had  stopped  blowin',  but  it  was  colder  than  ever,  an' 
at  last  I  began  to  take  enough  interest  in  things  to  want  'em 
to  get  settled  one  way  or  another.  As  soon  as  I  was  able  to 
think  along  a  straight  line,  the  cook  would  give  a  heave 
to  the  pony  an'  I  would  give  myself  a  jerk.  The  lantern 
shed  a  splash  o'  light  on  the  shelf,  but  the  jump-off  looked 
like  the  mouth  o'  the  pit,  an'  I  jerked  purty  tol'able  careful. 
At  last  I  was  out,  an'  if  you  '11  believe  it,  my  leg  was  only 
broke  in  two  places.  I  thought  it  was  broken  clear  off.  I 
could  n't  get  back  up  the  cliff  to  the  trail  any  way  we  could 
figger,  so  the  cook  said  I  should  roll  up  in  the  Navajos  he  'd 
brought  an'  he  'd  take  the  kid  an'  go  back  an'  bring  a  couple 
o'  the  boys  an'  pack  me  in. 

The  kid  had  found  the  blankets  all  right  an'  had  rolled 
himself  up,  an'  we  had  to  shake  the  stuffin'  out  of  him  to 
rouse  him  again.  He  complained  most  bitter  when  he  found 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  27 

he  had  to  go  back  to  the  ranch  house;  but  at  last  they  got 
started  an'  it  was  n't  long  before  they  had  me  there  too, 
an'  next  day  Phil  McLaughlin  rode  over  an'  brought  out 
a  doctor  who  lined  up  my  bones  as  good  as  new,  while  Jim 
told  me  about  the  cook. 

Old  Monody  was  like  a  salamander  for  heat,  an'  you 
could  n't  drag  him  away  from  the  fire  in  the  winter  time ; 
but  when  I  didn't  return  he  began  to  worry:  "If  the'  was 
a  man  left  in  this  outfit  I  reckon  he  'd  go  out  an'  get  him," 
he'd  say  scornful.  "Riders!  you  call  yourselves  riders? 
You  're  loafers  an'  eaters,  that 's  what  you  are !  I  'm  a 
cook,  but  if  nobody  else  has  the  nerve  to  go  an'  git  him,  I  '11 
go  myself." 

Jim  started  to  go  at  last,  but  he  would  n't  let  him.  "  You 
got  the  grit,  Jim,  but  you  ain't  got  the  night  sense  yet.  You 
stay  where  you  are  or  you  'd  be  on  our  hands  too."  Well, 
he  steamed  up  an'  down  makin'  new  hot  coffee  an'  drinkin' 
it  by  the  bowl.  All  of  a  sudden  he  give  a  scream :  "  Oh, 
oh !  there  he  goes  over  the  cliff !  Get  me  a  pony  —  get  me 
a  pony,  while  I  wrap  up  some  coffee  an'  pick  out  some 
blankets !  "  Well,  the  cook  was  so  blame  wild  by  this  time 
'at  they  was  glad  to  get  shut  of  him ;  so  they  rigged  him  out 
an'  he  rode  a  bee  line  right  to  me,  an'  what  led  him  you  can 
figger  out  for  yourselves.  He  was  a  queer  cook,  but  after 
that  night  he  was  different:  he  acted  as  though  he  had 
adopted  me;  he  petted  me  an'  spoiled  me  an'  you  can 
talk  all  you  want  to  about  the  flesh-pots  of  Egypt  —  why, 
that  cook  could  fix  beans  eleven  different  ways,  an'  each  one 
better  'n  the  other. 

But  while  I  was  lyin'  there  waitin'  for  my  leg  to  knit  up, 
I  kept  thinkin'  o'  the  little  lass  back  at  the  Diamond  Dot,  an' 
when  I  got  about  again,  I  knew  I  was  signed  for  a  trip  No'th. 


28  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

The  cook  was  mighty  good  to  me  while  I  was  backin'  it; 
he  used  to  deal  out  fussy  little  fixin's  'at  kept  the  appetite  an' 
the  fever  both  down,  an'  when  they  was  n't  no  one  around 
he  used  to  pat  out  my  pillers  an'  oncet  he  smoothed  back  my 
hair.  He  cut  out  his  cussin'  too,  an'  he  used  to  line  up  the 
kid  for  it. 

"  You  're  from  the  South,  ain't  ya,  Happy  ?  "  sez  he  to  me 
one  day. 

"  Not  so  you  could  notice,"  sez  I.  "  I  reckon  this  is  the 
southest  I  ever  got  before." 

"  Hu,"  sez  the  cook,  "  Texas  ain't  south.  Texas  is  just 
the  rubbish  heap  o'  this  whole  country.  Where  did  you  hook 
up  to  that  word  '  reckon  '  ?  " 

"  I  dunno,"  sez  I,  thinkin'  back.  "  A  feller  just  catches 
words  like  the  mumps,  I  suppose ;  but  my  pap,  he  used  to  use 
it  right  often." 

"  Where  did  your  folks  come  from  ?  "  sez  the  cook. 

"  Oh,  they  come  from  Kentucky,  an'  before  that  from  Vir 
ginia  an'  No'th  Carolina,  an'  before  that  they  came  from 
Scotch  Irish  an'  English,  an'  go  clear  back  to  Adam  an* 
you  '11  find  us  Hawkinses  was  a  ramblin'  crew,  I  reckon ; 
but  what  on  earth  you  drivin'  at,  Monody,  an'  where  on 
earth  did  your  line  hail  from  ?  " 

He  sat  there  a  moment  with  lights  an'  shades  dartin'  over 
his  ugly  face,  which  somehow  was  n't  ugly  to  me  any  more, 
an'  at  last  he  said:  "I  have  the  blood  of  an  Injun  chief 
an'  an  African  king  an'  a  Spanish  nobleman  in  my  veins, 
an'  —  " 

"  Lord,  man,  you  ought  to  let  some  of  it  out,"  I  interrupted. 
"  You  '11  have  an  eruption  in  your  in'ards  some  day  'at  '11 
blow  you  into  a  million  pieces." 

"  No,  I  got  'em  all  whipped  out  now,  Happy,  an'  I  reckon 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  29 

'at  you  did  it.  You  're  the  only  man  I  ever  met  'at  I  ain't 
once  felt  like  killin'." 

"  It 's  pleasant  to  think  o'  what  a  good  neighbor  you  've 
been  all  your  life,  cook ;  but  I  'm  glad  you  've  turned  over 
since  I  met  up  with  you.  Anyhow,  you  've  been  a  heap  o' 
comfort  to  me,  an'  anything  I  got  is  on  your  list  too,  do^'t 
you  never  forget  it." 

But  just  the  same,  as  soon  as  I  got  up  an'  around  again, 
I  had  a  terrible  tuggin'  from  the  no'th  an'  I  could  n't  resist 
it.  I  'd  be  makin'  plans  for  the  summer  an'  then  all  of  a  sud 
den  I  'd  find  myself  sayin,  "  What  in  the  world  do  you 
reckon  'at  that  child  is  doin'  now.  She  '11  be  eight  years  old 
shortly,  an'  I  simply  have  to  see  her  on  her  next  birthday, 
even  if  she  don't  see  me."  At  last  I  couldn't  stand  it  no 
longer,  so  I  told  the  boys  I  had  to  cut,  an'  it  fell  like  a  stone 
on  a  lamp  chimney ;  but  the  cook,  he  took  it  harder  'n  any  one 
else.  I  liked  the  boys  an'  I  liked  Jim  an'  I  liked  the  job ; 
but  there  was  that  tuggin'  allus  at  my  heart,  an'  in  the  end 
I  set  a  day.  Jim,  he  made  me  all  kinds  of  offers,  'cause  things 
were  gettin'  easy  with  him;  but  when  I  made  it  clear  to 
him,  he  saw  how  it  was  an'  he  sez :  "  I  know  'at  you  '11 
come  back  to  me  some  day,  Happy,  an'  if  you  '11  settle 
down,  you  can  be  a  rich  man.  I  've  kept  back  five  hun 
dred  dollars  for  you  'at  I  have  n't  mentioned  in  your  wages, 
an'  you  can  take  your  pick  o'  the  colts  an'  just  as  soon  as 
you  've  had  your  little  flier  I  want  you  back ;  we  all  want 
you  back." 

It 's  a  comfortin'  feelin'  to  know  'at  you  're  goin'  to  be 
missed ;  but  I  could  n't  savvy  that  cook.  He  had  one  big 
tearin'  time  of  it  an'  sluiced  himself  out  with  gin  an'  dug  up 
his  old  profanity,  an'  then  he  simmered  down  an'  just  cooked 
himself  into  a  new  record.  Gee !  it  was  hard  to  separate  from 


30  HAPPY     HAWKINS 

that  mess  table ;  but  I  had  set  my  day  an'  the'  was  no  goin' 
back. 

Jim  had  a  black  Arabian  stallion  an'  a  couple  o'  high 
grade  mares  an'  he  was  showin'  up  something  fancy  in  the 
hoss  line.  He  raised  the  colts  just  like  range  ponies,  an'  while 
they  was  n't  quite  so  tough  when  it  came  to  livin'  on  sage 
brush  an'  pleasant  memories,  they  could  eat  up  the  ground 
like  a  prairie  fire,  an'  they  was  gentle.  I  bought  a  silver 
trimmed  bridle  an'  some  Mexican  didoes,  an'  then  I  said 
good-bye  to  all  of  'em  except  the  cook  —  he  wasn't  there. 

I  hunted  for  him  an  hour;  but  he  had  so  many  peculiar 
ways  'at  I  just  let  it  go  at  that  an'  finally  gave  him  up ;  so  I 
left  him  a  nifty  present  an'  pulled  out  with  about  a  thousand 
yellow  ones  in  my  belt  an'  the  best  mount  in  the  West. 

I  had  n't  gone  more  than  two  miles  before  I  turned  a 
corner  an'  came  face  to  face  with  ol'  Monody.  He  was  settin' 
on  a  big  bald-faced  roan,  an'  he  had  a  serious  look  on  his 
face.  "  Well,  I  wondered  if  you  was  goin'  to  let  me  go  away 
without  sayin'  good-bye,"  sez  I,  tryin'  to  talk  light  an'  easy. 

"  I  'd  be  apt  to,"  sez  he.  "  Why,  I  Ve  been  peacefuller 
since  you  been  here  'n  ever  I  was  in  my  life  before,  an'  it 
ain't  likely  I  'd  let  you  scoot  out  an'  leave  me.  I  'm  goin' 
along." 

Well,  what  do  you  think  of  that !  Me  startin'  up  to  where 
I  was  n't  sure  of  a  welcome  an'  takin'  such  a  tow  as  ol'  Mon 
ody  along  with  me.  I  argued  with  him  for  an  hour,  an'  then 
I  got  hot  an'  told  him  that  merely  savin'  my  life  did  n't  give 
him  no  mortgage  on  me  an'  that  he  could  n't  nowise  keep 
up  with  me,  an'  by  the  time  he  reached  the  Diamond  Dot,  the 
chances  were  'at  I  'd  be  on  my  way  back  to  the  Lion  Head. 
He  did  n't  waste  no  time  in  words,  just  sat  sour  an'  moody, 
an'  every  time  I  'd  stop  he  'd  growl  out,  "  I  don't  care  where 


CONVINCING    A    COOK  3* 

you  go  or  how  fast  you  go  or  nothin'  at  all  about  it.     I  'in 
goin'  along,  an'  I  '11  catch  up  with  you  sometime." 

I  sure  gave  him  a  chase ;  I  wanted  the  black  hoss  to  show 
up  well  when  I  landed,  but  I  sent  him  along  pretty  steady 
an7  took  extra  care  of  him.  OF  Monody  had  picked  out  the 
toughest  pony  at  the  Lion  Head,  an'  he  had  good  hands,  but 
he  never  sighted  me  till  the  night  I  reached  the  ranch  and 
was  busy  wipin'  Starlight's  legs.  "  I  got  some  news  for  ya," 
sez  ol'  Monody,  gettin'  down  slow  from  his  leg-weary  roan. 
"  I  '11  tell  it  to  ya  while  you  're  eatin  supper,"  —  an'  I  was 
sure  glad  to  see  him  —  an'  glad  to  eat  food  again. 


CHAPTER   THREE 

UNDER   FIRE 

As  soon  as  I  finished  takin'  care  o'  Starlight,  I  give  Monody's 
mount  a  look-over.  The  old  bald-face  was  whipcord  an' 
steel ;  but  he  looked  purty  near  ready  to  own  up. 

"  Monody,  confound  you,"  I  sez.  "  What  the  deuce  did 
you  hammer  this  old  skin  over  the  road  like  this  for  ?  " 

"  That 's  my  pony,"  he  growled. 

"Since  when?" 

"  Since  I  bought  him,  that 's  since  when." 

"  When  did  you  buy  him  ?  " 

"  It  ain't  none  o'  your  business  when  I  bought  him.  I 
bought  him  the  mo'nin'  you  pulled  out." 

"  What  did  you  pay  for  him  ?  " 

"  Are  you  goin'  to  talk  about  that  ol'  cayuse  all  night  ?  "  he 
snorts,  gettin'  wrought  up. 

"  I  'm  goin'  to  talk  about  him  until  I  find  out  about  him," 
sez  I,  "  an'  you  might  as  well  come  out  of  it  an'  tell  what  the' 
is  to  tell." 

"  I  don't  have  to  tell  nothin'  about  him.  He  neveh  be 
longed  to  you.  Jim,  he  owed  me  some  money  on  my  wages 
so  I  just  took  the  pony  for  the  money.  An'  now  I  hope 
you  're  through  pesterin'  me." 

"  How  much  did  he  owe  ya  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Now  you  gone  about  far  enough  with  this !  "  yells  Mon 
ody.  "  I  don't  know  how  much  he  owed  me,  an'  I  don't  care. 
I  reckon  he  owed  me  more  'n  the  pony  's  worth,  'n  if  he 
did  n't  he  can  just  pert  end  he  raised  my  wages  last  month." 


UNDERFIRE  33 

"  Why  did  n't  you  let  him  raise  your  wages  a  little  more, 
an'  bring  along  a  bunch  o'  five-year-olds  too  ?  "  sez  I,  grin 
ning.  I  was  mighty  glad  to  see  the  old  scamp,  an'  I  knew  he 
had  drawed  the  worst  end  o'  the  bargain ;  but  I  wanted  him 
to  understand  that  it  was  embarrassin'  to  go  again  my  wishes 
without  my  consent.  He  had  the  pot  o'  coffee  just  ready  to 
set  on  the  rock  where  we  was  goin'  to  eat,  an'  all  of  a  sudden 
he  straightened  up  an'  shot  a  scowl  into  me.  "  Look  here, 
Happy,"  sez  he,  "  I  don't  care  a  sky  blue  flap  doodle  for  the 
whole  Jim  Jimison  outfit !  I  told  you  I  was  comin'  along,  an' 
I  come.  I  tells  you  again  that  I  'm  goin'  wherever  you  go ; 
but  if  you  don't  shet  up  about  that  royally  sequestered  ol' 
ball  faced  camel,  I  '11  dash  this  scaldin'  hot  coffee  —  right  on 
the  ground ! " 

Well,  I  fell  on  my  knees  an'  begged  him  to  spare  me,  an' 
I  kept  it  up  until  he  was  gigglin'  with  laughter  —  he  had  a 
funny  way  o'  laughin'  —  an'  then  we  sat  on  the  stone  an'  — 
well,  the'  never  was  a  human  mortal  'at  was  qualified  to  carry 
water  for  ol'  Monody's  cookin'. 

"  What 's  your  news,  Monody  ?  "  I  sez,  after  I  'd  satisfied 
myself  that  I  could  n't  swaller  another  crumb. 

"  You  're  headin'  for  the  Diamond  Dot,  ain't  ya  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  This  is  a  corner  o'  the  Diamond  Dot  range,"  sez  I,  lollin' 
back  an'  puffin'  slow  an'  comfortable  at  my  pipe. 

"  The  pony  corral  stands  at  the  mouth  of  a  little  canon, 
don't  it?" 

"  Yes,"  sez  I. 

"  An'  the  cook  house  is  to  the  right  of  it  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I. 

"  An'  the  ranch  house  is  kind  o'  sprawly  with  —  " 

"  Look  here,  Monody,"  sez  I,  interrupting  "  this  ain't  no 
news.  What  are  you  gettin'  at?" 

3 


34  HAPPYHAWKINS 

"  You  got  friends  there,  ain't  ya?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  got  one  friend  anyhow,"  sez  I,  "  but  as  long  as  you  Ve 
insisted  on  taggin'  along  after  me,  you  '11  see  the  place  an' 
you  '11  see  my  friend ;  though  I  somehow  doubt  if  you  '11  be 
invited  in  for  a  meal." 

"  Is  your  friend  a  lady  ?  "  sez  Monody. 

"  Oh,  no,"  sez  I,  sarcastic,  "  she  's  a  two-year-old  heifer. 
I  would  n't  think  o'  goin'  this  distance  just  to  call  on  a  lady." 

"  How  old  is  she  ?  "  asked  Monody. 

"  Now  you  look  here,  you  old  pest,"  sez  I,  "  if  you  're  just 
try  in'  to  get  even  with  me  about  the  bald-faced  roan,  why 
cut  it;  but  if  you  've  got  anything  to  tell,  why  tell  it,  'cause 
I  'm  gettin'  sleepy.  She  '11  be  eight  years  old  to-morrow." 

Old  Monody  'shook  with  silent  laughter  for  a  moment. 
"  A  lady !  "  sez  he.  Then  he  sobered  an'  sez,  "  Is  it  your 
child?" 

I  heaved  a  rock  at  him  which  he  dodged,  an'  then  I  sez, 
"  You  wicked  ol'  beast  you,  do  I  look  old  enough  to  have  an 
eight-year-old  daughter  ?  " 

"  Sometimes  you  do  an'  sometimes  you  don't.  You  're 
one  o'  these  fellers  'at  ain't  got  no  age  o'  their  own,  but  just 
age  up  accordin'  to  what 's  goin'  on,"  —  an'  ol'  Monody 
stumbled  on  a  bit  o'  truth  when  he  said  this,  an'  it 's  still  true. 

"  Well,  what  are  you  gettin'  at?  "  sez  I. 

"  The  Diamond  Dot  is  goin'  to  be  raided  to-night,"  sez  he. 

I  jumped  to  my  feet.    "  Who  by  ?  "  I  sez. 

"  You  're  fifteen  years  older  right  now  than  you  was  two 
minutes  ago,"  sez  Monody.  "  I  stumbled  onto  Bill  Brophy's 
gang  last  night.  Bill  has  seven  o'  the  lowest  grade  wolves 
'at  ever  wore  man-hide  —  I  —  I  used  to  know  Bill  down  in 
the  Territory,  an'  Bill  he  thought  I  was  still  on  the  grab. 
He  put  me  on.  I  'm  supposed  to  be  at  the  pony  corral  at 


UNDERFIRE  35 

midnight  to  turn  the  ponies  loose  an'  bottle  up  the  house 
gang  in  their  shack.  Brophy  's  bad  medicine ;  you  'd  better 
pass  up  your  eight-year-old  lady  friend  an'  come  on  back  to 
the  Lion  Head  with  ol'  Monody." 

I  walked  up  an'  down  a  time  or  two,  thinkin'  it  over.  "  We 
can  ride  right  into  the  ravine  'at  leads  to  the  pony  corral 
from  here,"  sez  I.  "  It 's  a  good  average  four  hours'  ride. 
Now  I  can  do  it  in  three  on  Starlight;  the  old  bald-face 
couldn't  do  it  at  all  to-night  —  " 

"  Look  at  him  now,"  sez  Monody.  There  he  was  eatin' 
grass  as  lively  as  a  cricket.  "  Well,  you  follow  as  you  can, 
only  you  'd  better  lay  low  unless  I  whistle  the  Lion  Head 
signal.  If  I  get  time  to  break  you  gentle  to  the  home  gang, 
it  '11  be  all  right ;  but  you  ain't  apt  to  be  due  for  a  cordial 
welcome,  not  when  strangers  to  you  are  lookin'  for  hold-ups." 

He  had  tossed  the  saddles  an'  bridles  on  the  hosses  by  this 
time,  an'  we  left  our  outfit  lyin'  on  the  rocks.  We  hit  the 
saddles  in  the  same  tick  an'  settled  into  a  swing.  Big  an* 
heavy  as  ol'  Monody  was,  he  was  a  light  rider,  an'  the  bald- 
face  hung  at  my  cinch  for  the  best  part  of  an  hour  an'  then 
we  slowly  oozed  away  from  him.  The  stars  were  all  full 
power  that  night,  an'  a  feller  could  see  most  as  plain  as  if 
the  'd  been  a  moon. 

It  smelt  good  to  be  back  at  the  old  place  again,  an'  my 
blood  was  racin'  through  my  veins  till  I  fair  tingled.  Finally 
I  reached  the  canon  an'  began  to  ride  careful.  It  was  only 
about  eleven ;  but  I  did  n't  want  any  o'  Brophy's  gang  t-o 
take  a  pot  shot  at  me.  All  of  a  sudden  something  moved  on 
a  little  grassy  shelf  on  the  side  of  the  cliff.  Starlight  shied 
off  to  the  left  an'  my  gun  flew  up  over  my  head,  ready  to  drop 
on  whatever  it  happened  to  be.  My  eyes  were  drillin'  into  the 
gloom  when  a  mite  of  a  creature  with  her  hands  clasped  rose 


36  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

up  an'  said,  "  Oh,  Happy,  Happy !  is  it  really  you  ?  an'  ridin' 
on  the  black  hoss  with  the  silver  trimmed  leather !  " 

"  Barbie,  child !  "  I  cried,  "  what  on  earth  you  doin'  out 
here  this  time  o'  night  an'  all  by  your  lone  ?  " 

"  I  just  could  n't  sleep,  Happy,"  she  said,  comin'  to  the 
edge  o'  the  shelf  an'  sittin'  down  with  her  little  bare  feet 
swingin'  over;  "  I  got  to  wonderin'  how  it  would  feel  just 
when  the  birthday  was  a-comin'  on ;  so  I  sneaked  out  here, 
an'  I  was  just  beginnin'  to  feel  it  when  you  hove  into  sight. 
I  been  thinkin'  o'  you  lots  lately,  Happy." 

"  You  little  minx,  you,"  sez  I,  "  I  doubt  if  you  've  thought 
of  me  twice  since  I  been  away,  while  I  've  been  thinkin'  of 
you  every  minute.  But  come,  jump  down  behind  me  an' 
we  '11  hurry  on.  I  want  you  to  go  in  an'  wake  Daddy  up  an' 
tell  him  I  've  got  something  mighty  important  to  say  to  him, 
while  I  scurry  over  an'  wake  up  the  home  gang." 

"  The  home  gang  ain't  here,"  sez  Barbie.  "  The  ponies  va 
moosed  this  afternoon  —  they  nearly  always  do  the  days  I  turn 
Mr.  H.  Hawkins  with  them,  —  that 's  what  I  call  the  pinto. 
He  's  an  awful  scamp ;  but  the  best  pony  on  the  place." 

"  Then  I  reckon  they  '11  bring  'em  around  the  twist  an* 
down  this  canon.  Now  you  get  down  here  an'  sneak  into 
the  house  while  I  stake  out  Starlight  in  the  big  cathedral  — 
see  how  well  I  remember  everything." 

I  set  the  child  down,  rode  Starlight  into  a  big  open  nook 
with  a  narrow  mouth,  an'  then  hustled  into  the  house.  Old 
Cast  Steel  was  standin'  in  the  dining  room  in  his  stockin'- 
feet  with  a  gun  in  each  hand  an'  a  question  in  his  eyes.  "  Get 
ready  for  a  raid,  Jabez,"  sez  I. 

"Who  from?  "sez  he. 

"  From  the  Brophy  gang,"  sez  I. 

"  How  do  you  know  ?  "  sez  he. 


UNDERFIRE  37 

"  They  are  due  to  arrive  here  at  midnight,  Jabez,"  sez  I. 
"  I  don't  know  why ;  but  I  think  we  'd  better  get  ready  for 
sem  now  an'  argue  about  it  to-morrow." 

"  I  know  why,"  sez  he.  "  One  of  'em  stole  one  o'  my 
ponies  an'  started  to  run  off  a  bunch  o'  my  own  cows  with  it. 
I  strung  him  up  an'  he  said  'at  Bill  Brophy  'd  get  even  with 
me  for  it.  That  was  two  months  ago,  an'  the'  has  n't  been 
a  minute  since  'at  I  was  so  bad  prepared  for  'em.  How 
many  's  in  the  gang  ?  " 

"  Bill  an'  seven  others.  I  found  out  through  the  meanest 
lookin'  mortal  you  ever  set  eyes  on.  He  's  a  giant,  nearly 
black,  an'  the  ugliest  critter  you  ever  set  eyes  on ;  but  he  's 
white  inside.  He  '11  be  along  as  soon  as  he  can  get  here  — 
don't  shoot  him." 

"  I  ain't  apt  to  shoot  any  help  this  night,"  grins  Jabez. 
"  If  it  was  n't  for  the  little  girl,  Happy,  I  'd  be  right  satisfied 
to  have  it  out  with  Bill;  but  I  hate  to  think  of  what  may 
happen  to  her.  How  '11  we  fix  for  'em  ?  " 

"  Get  in  the  dug-out  cellar,"  sez  I,  for  I  'd  been  plannin'  it 
all  along. 

"  I  reckon  they  '11  burn  the  house  down,"  sez  Jabez ;  "  but 
I  'd  rather  they  destroyed  the  whole  blame  outfit  than  to  have 
anything  happen  to  the  little  lass." 

"  Where 's  Melisse  ?  "  sez  I.  "  She  left,"  sez  Jabez ;  an'  I 
had  n't  time  to  learn  particulars. 

By  this  time  we  had  everything  barricaded,  an'  gettin' 
Barbie  we  made  a  run  for  the  dug-out.  It  was  only  two  hun 
dred  yards;  but  we  hadn't  left  the  shadow  of  the  house 
before  a  rifle  sings  out  followed  by  two  revolver  shots.  The* 
was  a  big  pile  o'  winter  wood  in  the  L  of  the  ranch  house, 
an'  without  sayin'  a  word  I  swung  Jabez  with  little  Barbie  in 
his  arms  back  of  the  wood  pile. 


38  HAPPYHAWKINS 

We  did  n't  shoot  much,  although  the  gang  kept  pepperin* 
at  the  wood  pile  purty  frequent  from  behind  the  cook  house. 
"  They  '11  fire  the  house  purty  soon,"  mutters  Jabez,  after 
we  'd  beat  'em  off  on  their  second  rush.  "  We  '11  have  to  try 
for  the  dug-out  sooner  or  later." 

Just  at  this  minute  the  six  notes  o'  the  Lion  Head  signal 
floated  in.  "  There  's  ol'  Monody,"  sez  I.  "  I  wish  Barbie 
was  safe  an'  we  'd  show  'em  a  merry  time  of  it."  I  answered 
the  call  an'  the'  was  silence  for  a  long  time.  Presently  we 
heard  a  rattlin'  volley,  an'  the  cook  rolled  around  the  corner 
o'  the  house  an'  joined  us. 

"  The  next  time  they  rush,"  sez  Jabez,  "  we  '11  charge  out 
after  'em  an'  try  for  the  dug-out.  They  won't  monkey  much 
longer." 

They  did  n't  monkey  at  all.  Two  of  'em  had  broke  into 
the  house  from  in  front,  an'  the  next  we  knew  a  window  had 
been  flung  open  at  our  back  an'  we  would  a-got  it  right  then, 
but  Monody  heard  'em,  an'  as  soon  as  the  window  shutter 
flew  back  he  emptied  his  gun  inside.  At  the  same  time  the 
remainin'  six  charged  in  a  body,  an'  for  the  next  few  minutes 
we  was  some  busy.  But  we  beat  'em  off,  an'  as  they  scurried 
for  shelter  to  load,  we  made  for  the  dug-out;  me  in  front, 
ol'  Jabez  in  the  center,  an'  Monody  closin'  up  the  rear. 

Just  before  we  reached  it,  a  revolver  cracked  in  the  door 
way  o'  the  dug-out,  I  felt  a  sting  in  the  left  shoulder,  spun 
around  and  fell,  but  jumped  up  just  as  Jabez  changed  direc 
tions  for  the  cook  shack.  It  was  only  a  step  from  the  dug 
out  an'  we  rushed  in,  slammed  the  door,  dropped  in  the  bar, 
an'  turned  to  face  a  man  with  two  guns  on  us.  Monody 
dropped  on  him,  an'  I  was  about  to  shoot  from  the  hip  when 
ol'  Jabez  sez,  "  By  George,  Jim,  I  'd  forgot  all  about  you  — 
we  can  sure  fix  'em  now.  These  is  friends,  Jim."  Jim  was 


UNDER    FIRE  39 

a  savage  lookin'  brute  an'  I  eyed  him  purty  close.  "  This 
feller  is  cookin'  while  Flapjack  is  on  his  bender,  Happy," 
sez  Jabez. 

The  cook  shack  was  built  out  o'  pine  logs  at  the  bottom, 
an'  fixed  so  the  upper  sides  'd  swing  out  like  awnings  in  hot 
weather.  We  felt  purty  comfortable.  The'  was  a  square 
window  at  each  end  an'  one  on  the  side  facin'  the  house; 
the  stove  was  on  the  other  side.  We  made  little  Barbie  sit  in 
the  corner  behind  the  stove.  Jabez  took  the  window  facin' 
the  house,  me  the  one  facin'  the  dug-out,  an'  the  sub-cook 
facin'  the  corral.  I  could  shoot  cleaner  'n  Monody,  so  he 
stood  by  to  do  my  loadin',  an'  we  proceeded  to  waste  ammuni 
tion.  It's  enough  to  make  the  oldest  man  the'  is  reckless, 
when  you  think  of  the  weight  o'  lead  good  aimers  can  throw 
without  spillin'  any  blood. 

After  a  bit  things  grew  quiet,  an'  then  we  saw  a  small 
freight-wagon  backin'  down  to  the  door  with  a  lot  o'  wood 
across  the  back  of  it.  Jabez  came  over  to  my  window  an' 
we  shot  into  an'  under  the  wagon;  but  it  still  backed  up. 
The'  was  a  little  grade  down  to  the  cook  shack,  an'  after  they 
got  it  started  the'  was  n't  much  to  do  but  guide.  They  had 
fixed  a  stick  o'  wood  pointin'  straight  back  from  the  rear 
axle,  an'  when  it  hit  the  door  the  bar  broke  an'  the  door  flew 
off  its  hinges  an'  clear  across  the  room. 

But  gettin'  the  wagon  away  for  their  rush  was  a  different 
matter,  an'  we  all  shot  at  one  another  purty  regardless.  Once 
I  reached  back  my  hand  for  a  fresh  gun  an'  failed  to  get  any. 
I  turned  around,  an'  there  was  Monody  holdin'  the  sub-cook's 
right  wrist  with  his  left  hand  an'  grippin'  at  his  throat  with 
his  right.  The'  was  a  horrid  look  on  the  sub-cook's  face, 
an'  just  as  I  turned  to  interfere,  Monody  gave  a  wrench 
which  tore  out  the  cook's  wind-pipe,  gave  him  a  -sling  which 


40  HAPPYHAWKINS 

landed  him  under  the  table,  an'  handed  me  a  fresh  gun.  I 
was  some  bothered  about  this ;  but  that  wa'  n't  no  time  to 
hold  an  investigation,  so  I  begun  shootin'  at  flashes  again. 

"  How  's  your  catridges  holdin'  out  ?  "  sez  Jabez. 

"  Ain't  many  left,"  sez  Monody. 

"  I  'm  about  cleaned  myself,"  sez  Jabez.    "  Where 's  Jim  ?  " 

"  I  think  he  's  about  once  through,"  sez  I,  an'  we  proceeded 
to  shoot  more  economical. 

Purty  soon  they  quit  firm'  again  an'  then  the  freight  wagon 
started  up  the  hill.  They  had  put  their  ropes  on  the  tongue 
an'  were  draggin'  it  out  with  ponies.  We  knew  what  that 
meant  an'  took  a  brace. 

The  lull  what  followed  was  the  hardest  part  o'  the  whole 
business.  The'  was  n't  a  blasted  thing  we  could  do,  an'  it 
seemed  hours  before  the  next  volley  came  from  the  corner  o' 
the  dug-out.  We  did  n't  reply  to  it,  which  was  most  uncom 
mon  lucky  for  us;  'cause  first  thing  we  knew,  they  came 
rompin'  around  each  corner  an'  poured  in  on  top  of  us.  They 
was  used  to  fightin'  against  odds,  an'  it  irritated  'em  consid'- 
able  to  take  so  long  at  a  job  with  the  odds  in  their  favor. 
Outside,  the  starlight  give  us  a  purty  fair  aim,  while  they 
could  n't  do  more  than  guess  at  us  —  so  we  beat  'em  off  once 
more. 

"  The  's  only  three  shots  in  this  gun,"  sez  Monody,  cheer 
fully,  as  he  handed  my  iron  back  to  me. 

"  What 's  that?  "  sez  Jabez. 

"  We  're  about  out  o'  fuel,  Jabez,"  sez  I. 

I  heard  him  grit  his  teeth  in  the  darkness.  "  Where  is  she, 
Happy  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  She  's  still  in  her  corner  back  of  the  stove  with  the  shack 
door  in  front  of  her.  They  won't  hurt  her,  Jabez  —  no  matter 
what  happens,  an'  the'  's  a  good  fight  in  us  yet.  Ol'  Monody 


UNDERFIRE  41 

here  don't  begin  to  fight  till  the  ammunition  has  give  out; 
so  keep  your  mind  easy  for  the  next  rush,"  sez  I. 

Next  moment  they  surged  down  on  us,  shootin'  as  fast  as 
they  could  fan.  We  did  n't  explode  a  catridge  until  they 
was  bunched  in  the  door  an'  then  we  emptied  out.  They 
cussed  an'  groaned  consid'able ;  but  they  surged  on  into  the 
cabin,  just  the  same.  The  smoke  was  like  a  cloud  inside,  an' 
a  newcomer  could  n't  see  an  inch ;  so  I  backed  into  my  corner 
with  my  left  arm  danglin'  at  my  side  an'  holdin'  my  gun  by 
the  barrel. 

The  shootin'  stopped  in  a  flash  an'  the  silence  hurt  a  feller's 
ears.  The'  was  a  sloppy,  floppin'  sound  over  under  the  table 
an'  now  an'  again  a  low  groan.  "  Fetch  the  lantern  out  o'  the 
freight  wagon,  an'  let 's  chalk  up,"  said  a  deep,  heavy  voice. 

In  about  a  minute  a  light  ripped  its  way  into  darkness  an' 
I  never  saw  a  worse  sight.  Jabez  was  lyin'  face  down  with 
a  hairy  viper  on  top  of  him  face  up.  The  feller  'd  been 
pinked  in  the  bridge  o'  the  nose  an'  it  was  most  horrid 
ghastly.  Two  others  lay  still  with  their  bodies  inside  the 
shack  an'  their  legs  outside ;  while  another  was  lyin'  just  at 
my  feet.  Some  one  had  swatted  him  in  the  temple  with  a 
revolver  butt ;  but  the  sight  that  just  about  made  me  home 
sick  was  Jim,  the  deputy  cook. 

Monody  had  n't  broken  the  windpipe,  an'  he  was  n't  dead 
yet.  It  was  him  'at  made  the  floppin'  sound.  Oh,  it  was  sick 
ening  !  Brophy  was  a  fine  lookin'  man  —  I  recognized  him 
from  his  description  right  at  once  —  an'  he  had  n't  been  even 
grazed.  He  looked  around  cool  but  quick,  an'  just  about 
took  it  all  in,  in  the  snap  of  a  finger.  Then  he  loaded  both 
his  guns  before  us  an'  made  the  feller  with  the  lantern  do  the 
same.  After  which  he  looked  into  Monody's  eyes  —  looked 
into  'em  until  Monody's  ugly  black  face  turned  ashy;  but 


42  HAPPYHAWKINS 

Brophy  had  n't  even  a  scowl,  an'  when  he  spoke,  his  deep 
voice  was  steady  an'  calm.  "  How  did  that  happen,  Mon 
ody  ?  "  sez  he,  pointin'  to  the  sub-cook. 

"I  —  I  reckon  one  o'  the  boys  mistook  him  in  the  dark," 
sez  Monody. 

"  I  reckon  you  lie,"  sez  Brophy.  "  The'  ain't  no  white  man 
would  be  beast  enough.  It 's  one  o'  your  own  heathen 
tricks." 

I  was  surprised  at  the  way  Brophy  talked.  I  'd  allus  heard 
'at  he  was  a  rip-snortin'  screamer,  an'  here  he  was  talkin'  low 
an'  level  like,  as  if  he  was  conversin'  about  the  weather;  but 
when  I  looked  into  Monody's  face  an'  saw  it  gray  an' 
quivery,  I  knew  'at  Brophy  was  n't  no  bluffer,  whether  he 
yelled  or  whether  he  whispered. 

I  moved  about  an  inch  'cause  my  leg  was  strainin',  an* 
three  guns  dropped  on  me.  "  Don't  try  nothin',"  sez  Brophy. 
I  didn't — I  stood  mighty  still.  * 

The  man  under  the  table  give  a  gaspy  squawk,  Brophy 
dropped  on  one  knee  to  look  at  him,  an'  I  could  see  him 
shudder  as  he  looked  at  the  torn  throat.  "  My  God !  "  he 
muttered,  an'  then  he  started  to  git  up,  his  voice  fairly 
snarlin'  with  rage.  "  Monody,  you  beast !  "  he  yelled,  snap- 
pin'  back  the  hammer  of  his  gun,  "  I  '11  —  " 

He  never  finished  it.  With  a  queer,  guttural  cry  Monody 
took  a  step  forward  with  his  left  foot  an'  kicked  him  under 
the  chin,  lifted  him  clear  from  the  ground,  an'  rolled  hirr> 
over,  a  crumpled  an'  broken  thing,  on  top  o'  the  sub-cook, 
The  man  with  the  lantern  began  to  fan-shoot  into  Monody, 
an'  I  jumped  for  him  an'  hit  him  in  the  temple  with  the  butt 
o'  my  gun.  He  went  down  with  a  crash  an'  the  lantern  went 
out. 

"  Monody ! "  I  called.    "  Monody,  are  you  hurt  ?  " 


UNDERFIRE  43 

The'  was  n't  no  answer ;  the'  was  n't  a  sound.  I  felt  like 
the  last  man  on  earth.  Then  I  thought  of  the  girl.  I  waited 
a  moment  to  quiet  my  voice,  an'  then  I  sez,  "  Are  you  all 
right,  little  Barbie?"  Still  the'  wasn't  no  answer,  an'  I 
fairly  yelled  to  her. 

"  Yes,  I  'm  all  right,  Happy,  but  I  want  to  get  out.  Are 
you  all  right?"  Her  voice  was  steady,  but  it  sounded  a 
long  ways  off. 

"  Yes,  Honey  Bird,  I  'm  all  right,"  I  sez. 

"  And  is  my  Daddy  all  right  ?  "  she  asked. 

My!  but  it  was  a  world  o'  comfort  to  hear  the  child's 
voice  again,  an'  some  way  I  felt  unreasonable  tickled  to  think 
'at  she  had  asked  about  me  first.  "  Your  Daddy  ain't  here 
just  now,  Barbie,"  I  sez.  "  You  'd  better  just  stay  where 
you  are  until  we  make  sure  'at  they  're  all  gone." 

"  Well,  all  right,"  she  said  in  the  same  muffled  voice ;  "  but 
I  'd  like  to  get  out." 

I  hunted  through  my  pockets  for  a  match,  but  I  could  n't 
find  one,  an'  what  I  wanted  just  then  was  light  —  Lord,  how 
I  did  want  a  light ! 

And  then  I  heard  a  tramplin'  an'  a  poundin'  as  the  herd 
swept  down  the  ravine  an'  into  the  corral,  an'  next  minute 
I  heard  George  Hendricks  give  the  yell  he  allus  give  when 
a  job  was  done,  an'  I  yelled  back  — yelled  till  my  voice 
cracked ;  an'  it  was  the  biggest  relief  I  ever  had. 


CHAPTER   FOUR 

PROFESSIONAL  DUTY 

I  KEPT  on  yellin'  until  they  got  to  the  cook  shack.  "  What 
the  bloomin'  blue  blasted  blazes  is  the  matter  ?  "  sez  Spider 
Kelley.  "  An'  who  the  fiber  fingered  flub-dub  are  ya  ?  " 

"  Get  a  light,  get  a  light  an'  see !  "  I  yells,  hatin'  to  move. 

"  It 's  Happy  Hawkins !  "  yells  the  whole  bunch,  an'  the 
tone  they  used  was  all-fired  welcome. 

Purty  soon  they  come  in  with  a  lantern,  an'  then  they 
stopped  askin'  questions.  For  a  moment  we  all  just  looked 
at  that  floor,  an'  it  was  sure  a  hideous  sight.  I  put  my  finger 
on  my  lips  an'  pointed  to  the  corner  back  of  the  stove  where 
I  'd  put  the  shack  door  in  front  o'  little  Barbie,  an'  then  I 
motioned  for  'em  to  drag  the  bodies  out.  Monody  was  alive 
an'  he  had  a  satisfied  grin  on  his  face  when  I  helped  to  carry 
him  out  in  the  air.  Jabez  never  moved,  an'  the  boys  lifted 
him  mighty  tender  —  he  'd  been  a  good  man  to  work  for, 
spite  of  his  queer  ways.  The  two  men  in  the  doorway  were 
still  gaspin',  but  the  rest  of  Brophy's  gang  had  passed  on  as 
they  had  a  right  to  expect,  wearin'  their  boots  an'  their  guns 
hot  in  their  hands.  Brophy  himself  had  his  neck  broken, 
but  his  face  did  n't  look  bad.  It  was  peaceful  under  the 
lantern  light. 

As  soon  as  they  was  all  lined  up  on  the  side  porch  I  took 
the  shack  door  down,  but  Barbie  was  n't  there.  "  Barbie !  " 
I  called.  "  Barbie,  child !  where  are  you  ?  " 

"  Here  I  am,  Happy,"  answered  a  muffled  voice.  "  I  'm 
in  the  oven.  Can't  I  come  out  now  ?  " 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  45 

I  opened  the  door  to  the  big  oven  an'  there  she  was, 
wrapped  in  a  coat  an'  all  rumpled  up  as  if  she  'd  been  sleepin'. 
"  Who  put  you  in  there,  child  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  A  woman,"  she  answered.  "  A  woman  with  a  soft, 
kind  voice.  She  put  me  in  here  an'  she  told  me  to  go  to 
sleep,  an'  I  did  sleep  most  o'  the  time.  When  you  'd  all 
shoot  together  it  would  wake  me  up ;  but  then  after  a  minute 
I  'd  doze  off  again,  an'  now  it 's  gettin'  daylight  an'  I  'm 
eight  years  old,  an'  I  didn't  get  to  see  how  it  felt  comin' 
on.  Where  's  my  Daddy,  an'  are  all  the  robbers  gone  ?  " 

"  A  woman !  "  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  an'  she  had  the  kindest  voice,"  sez  Barbie.  "  Ain't 
she  here  now  ?  I  want  to  talk  to  her.  I  Ve  missed  ol' 
Melisse  something  fierce  —  but  I  never  let  on  to  Daddy. 
Where  is  Daddy,  Happy?" 

"  You  ask  more  questions  'n  an  almanac,  Barbie,"  sez 
I,  tryin'  to  speak  easy.  "  I  'm  goin'  to  carry  you  in  an'  put 
you  to  bed,  an'  you  can  go  on  dreamin'  about  your  beautiful 
lady,  an'  then  in  the  mornin'  I  '11  tell  you  all  about  what 's 
happened." 

My  heart  weighed  about  a  ton  in  my  breast  as  I  carried 
the  child  into  the  house  with  the  gray  dawn  light  drippin' 
over  her  an'  the  still  form  of  her  father  lyin'  around  on  the 
side  porch.  I  thought  o'  the  mother  she  had  n't  never  seen,  an' 
I  hoped  that  things  was  fixed  so  'at  that  mother  could  keep 
on  comin'  back  now  an'  again  to  put  a  dream  into  her  lonely 
little  heart  like  she  'd  already  done  that  night ;  but  I  carried 
her  into  her  little  white  bedroom  hummin'  a  dance-tune, 
took  off  her  shoes  an'  stockin's,  covered  her  up  warm,  an' 
told  her  she  could  sleep  late,  as  we  was  n't  goin'  to  have 
an  early  breakfast.  The  big  lids  closed  down  over  her 
bright  little  eyes,  an'  purty  soon  she  was  breathin'  soft 


46  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

an'  quiet,  an'  then  I  left  her.  I  stopped  in  the  doorway 
an'  looked  back,  an'  my  heart  ached  when  I  thought  of  her 
havin'  to  wake  up  an'  face  it  all.  It  ain't  just  killin'  a  man 
that 's  so  bad,  it 's  the  awful  hole  most  of  'em  makes  in 
some  innocent  woman's  heart. 

When  I  got  back  to  the  side  porch  my  breath  liked  to  'a' 
stopped,  for  there  was  Jabez  sittin'  up  an'  complainin'  most 
bitter  because  he  had  an  achin'  in  the  back  of  his  neck.  I 
stopped  in  my  tracks  gappin'  at  him,  an'  purty  soon  he 
noticed  me  an'  sez,  "  Well,  what  are  you  starin'  at  ?  Remem 
ber  'at  I  ain't  no  chicken  heart,  an'  remember  'at  what  I  hate 
worse  'n  anything  else  is  a  liar.  Now  where  is  my  child  ?  " 

"  She  's  in  bed  and  asleep,  an'  if  you  're  sure  you  're  alive 
you  've  lifted  a  ton  off  my  heart.  I  thought  you  was  dead," 
sez  I. 

"  This  whole  pack  of  idiots  thinks  so  yet,"  he  yells,  "  an* 
they  won't  let  me  get  up.  I  got  to  see  her,  Happy,  I  got  to 
touch  her  an'  make  sure  for  myself  that  she  's  all  right." 

"  Where  was  you  hit,  Jabez  ?  "  I  sez. 

"  I  was  creased  —  I  was  creased  the  same  as  they  crease 
a  mustang,"  he  sez.  "  I  was  just  touched  in  the  back  o' 
the  neck  an'  it  paralyzed  me.  These  blame  pin-heads  are 
crazy  to  strip  me  an'  see  if  I  ain't  shot  all  to  pieces,  but  I 
won't  stand  for  it."  He  tried  to  get  up,  but  his  legs  would  n't 
work,  an'  he  sank  back  again. 

"  You  just  set  an'  rest  a  bit,  Jabez,"  I  sez.  "  I  want  to 
see  how  old  Monody  is." 

The  boys  had  n't  paid  much  attention  to  him,  thinkin' 
him  one  o'  Brophy's  gang,  an'  not  carin'  much  whether  or 
not  he  was  comfortable,  'cause  he  was  the  most  blood 
thirsty  lookin'  of  the  whole  bunch.  "  Are  you  hurt  bad, 
Monody  ?  "  I  said. 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  47 

His  face  lit  up  with  a  smile.  "  I  don't  hurt  at  all,  Happy, 
but  I  reckon  I  'm  done  for  —  the'  ain't  no  f eelin'  in  me  from 
the  waist  down." 

I  got  three  o'  the  boys  to  help  me,  an'  we  put  him  on  the 
shack  door  an'  packed  him  into  the  house  an'  put  him  into 
one  o'  the  spare  beds.  He  was  shot  three  times  in  the 
left  shoulder,  an'  it  was  n't  till  I  noticed  it  that  I  recalled 
my  own  fix.  Monody's  shoulder  was  all  shattered  to  smash, 
but  still,  it  was  n't  no  reason  for  him  to  die,  so  I  begun  to 
kid  him  about  it.  He  grinned  an'  said  he  did  n't  intend  to 
die  on  purpose,  but  he  reckoned  it  was  his  turn,  an'  he  did  n't 
intend  to  side  step.  He  was  most  unreasonable  an'  would  n't 
let  us  bandage  him  nor  nothin',  said  he  had  a  salve  'at  beat 
anything  a  doctor  had,  an'  we  got  it  for  him  out  of  his  coat 
which  was  the  one  wrapped  around  Barbie.  He  examined 
my  shoulder  with  his  right  hand,  an'  his  fingers  worked 
around  inside  my  bones  clear  and  true,  but  some  way  without 
hurtin'  me  much.  "  It  ain't  broke,"  sez  he,  "  just  grooved 
a  bit.  You  got  bones  like  a  grizzly." 

When  his  salve  came  he  rubbed  it  on  me  an'  then  he  rubbed 
it  on  himself,  an'  then  he  told  us  to  clear  out  so  he  could 
sleep.  We  all  left  him  after  a  little,  an'  I  sent  Spider  Kelley 
after  the  doctor.  The'  was  only  one  member  of  Brophy's 
gang  alive  when  I  got  back  to  the  side  porch,  an'  he  was 
sinkin'  fast.  He  had  told  Jabez  'at  they  intended  to  clean 
him  out  completely,  an'  that  Jim,  the  sub-cook,  was  one  o' 
the  gang  an'  had  let  the  ridin'  ponies  loose,  so  'at  the'  was 
no  choice  but  to  walk  after  the  herd  when  they  stampeded. 
He  said  that  if  he  had  n't  'a'  had  that  chance  he  would  'a' 
put  knock-out  drops  in  the  coffee  that  night,  which  made  all 
the  men  madder  'n  ever.  Knock-out  drops  ain't  no  fair 
way  o'  fightin'. 


48  HAPPYHAWKINS 

Well,  this  feller  had  been  with  Brophy  a  long  time,  an' 
he  gave  us  a  purty  complete  list  of  his  doin's  an'  his  ways. 
As  a  rule  a  man  only  lasted  about  a  year  with  the  gang, 
an'  when  it  was  possible  Brophy  tried  to  get  boys  to  fill 
up  the  vacancies,  —  boys  likin'  the  game  an'  not  carin' 
much  for  the  consequences.  He  tried  to  tell  us  where 
Brophy  had  a  lot  o'  gold  salted  down  in  Nevada,  but  it 
was  hard  to  understand  him,  an'  before  he  made  it  clear 
he  tuckered  out. 

We  sent  out  word  to  the  neighbors,  an'  that  evening  about 
forty  of  'em  rode  over  to  the  buryin',  and  they  made  a 
good  bit  of  a  fuss  over  us,  'cause  the  gang  had  been  worse 
'n  a  plague  an'  a  famine.  You  can  judge  o'  their  nerve 
when  they  made  war  on  the  Diamond  Dot,  we  havin'  one 
o'  the  biggest  outfits  in  the  territory,  an'  all  patriotic 
toward  the  old  man.  Jabez  give  me  more  credit  'n  was  due 
me,  but  he  sure  tried  to  do  the  fair  thing  by  61'  Monody 
too.  Monody  had  saved  us  all,  an'  that  was  the  simple 
truth.  It  seemed  odd  to  think  of  how  that  kick  I  had  in 
the  jaw  won  me  a  friend  in  Monody,  an'  then,  when  it 
was  passed  on,  saved  the  Diamond  Dot.  I  'd  like  to  know 
what  it  did  for  the  French  sailor  an'  the  feller  what  handed 
it  to  him.  Funny  thing,  life. 

We  tried  to  get  Monody  to  take  his  clothes  off  an'  be 
comfortable;  the  boys  fairly  pestered  the  life  out  of  him 
tryin'  to  do  somethin'  for  him,  but  he  was  obstinate,  said 
'at  his  clothes  was  clean,  an'  he  didn't  intend  to  take  'em 
off  till  they  got  dirty.  They  bothered  him  so  that  finally 
he  made  me  bring  him  one  of  his  guns,  an'  he  swore  he  'd 
use  it  before  they  got  his  clothes  off.  "  I  want  to  be  buried 
in  'em,  Happy,"  he  said  to  me,  most  earnest.  "  If  I  die  with 
'em  on  you  won't  let  'em  take  'em  off,  will  ya  ?  " 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  49 

He  had  a  lot  o'  fever,  so  I  humored  him ;  but  I  wished, 
myself,  he  was  n't  so  set  in  his  ways.  His  salve  was  the 
bulliest  stuff  I  ever  used  on  a  bullet  hole,  an'  my  arm  begun 
to  mend  right  from  the  start.  His  shoulder  was  splintered 
purty  bad,  but  still,  it  didn't  seem  as  if  it  ought  to  have 
bothered  his  legs  none.  The  next  day  he  was  a  little  wobbly 
in  his  head,  an'  it  seemed  to  rest  him  to  hold  my  hand.  He 
did  n't  want  no  one  else  in  the  room,  so  I  just  sat  an'  talked 
nonsense  to  him,  an'  twice  Barbie  came  in  to  see  him. 

In  spite  of  his  ugly  face  the  child  was  n't  a  mite  afraid 
of  him,  an'  she  would  smooth  back  his  black,  coarse  hair; 
but  she  didn't  talk  to  him  much  —  just  looked  into  his  eyes 
an'  smiled. 

"  I  wish  Melisse  was  here/'  she  said  to  me  once  when 
Monody  was  dozin',  "  she  'd  cook  somethin'  nice  an'  tasty, 
an'  she  's  such  a  good  nurse." 

"  Melisse  ?  "  sez  Monody  comein'  to,  "  who  *s  Melisse  ?  " 

"  She  's  my  old  nurse,"  sez  Barbie.  "  I  told  her  a  story  — 
just  a  little  one  —  an'  she  would  n't  whip  me  for  it,  so  Daddy 
told  her  to  clear  out  until  she  was  willin'  to  do  her  duty. 
He  thinks  she  's  gone  for  good,  but  I  know  where  she  is." 

"  Melisse,  Melisse,"  muttered  Monody.  "  Well,  after  all, 
it  might  be.  The'  ain't  nothin'  too  strange  to  happen." 

I  see  'at  he  was  a  bit  out  of  his  head,  so  I  did  n't  question 
him  none.  "  Where  is  she,  Barbie  ?  "  I  asked  in  a  low  tone. 

"  I  don't  know  just  exactly  where  she  is  or  I  'd  go  bring 
her  back,  of  course,"  she  sez ;  "  but  I  know  'at  she  's  some 
where  hereabouts,  'cause  the  day  before  my  birthday  —  why, 
it  was  only  day  before  yesterday,  was  n't  it  ?  It  seems  years 
ago.  Well,  day  before  yesterday  I  found  a  big  pan  o'  cakes 
in  my  playhouse,  an'  no  one  can't  bake  'em  but  Melisse." 

Monody  did  n't  say  anything  more  until  after  Barbie  'd 

4 


50  HAPPYHAWKINS 

gone  from  the  room,  and  then  he  made  me  tell  him  all  I 
knew  of  Jabez,  which  was  mighty  little.  He  lay  there  a 
long  time  without  speakin',  an'  then  he  sez :  "  O'  course 
the'  may  not  be  anything  in  it,  but  if  ever  you  an'  this 
Jabez  lock  horns,  you  just  ask  him  about  the  Creole  Belle, 
an'  if  he 's  the  man  I  mean  —  an'  he  sure  favors  him  — 
it  '11  most  likely  unnerve  him.  Now  I  want  to  sleep." 

Spider  Kelley  an'  the  doctor  got  back  about  ten  that 
night,  an'  ol'  Monody  was  in  a  ragin'  fever  an'  some  out 
of  his  head,  but  he  kept  his  gun  handy  an'  would  n't  stand 
for  any  one  startin'  to  undress  him. 

"  The'  's  somethin'  worse  'n  that  shoulder,"  sez  the  doctor, 
"  though  that 's  bad  enough,  goodness  knows.  He  's  hurt 
somewhere  in  the  spine,  an'  I  '11  have  to  examine  him. 
Take  that  fool  gun  away  from  him." 

I  put  my  hand"  on  Monody's  an'  he  loosened  his  hold  on 
the  gun  an'  took  hold  of  my  hand,  his  face  lightin'  up  con 
tented.  Then  I  handed  the  gun  to  one  o'  the  boys  an' 
took  tight  hold  of  his  right  arm  while  the  doctor  started 
to  unbutton  his  shirt.  Ol'  Monody's  eyes  opened  with 
a  jerk,  an'  the  fever  had  left  'em.  "Happy,  Happy!"  he 
pleaded.  "  You  know  'at  I  'd  give  my  life  for  ya !  You 
won't  let  'em  bother  me,  will  ya  ?  I  'm  done  for,  I  know  it ; 
an'  the'  ain't  nothin'  to  do.  Happy,  Happy,  let  me  go  in 
peace,  won't  ya  ?  Let  me  die  like  a  man !  " 

The'  wa'  n't  no  fever  in  his  eyes,  an'  he  was  sure  earnest 
about  it.  I  knew  'at  if  things  was  changed  an'  I  was  in 
his  place  he  'd  give  me  my  way,  so  I  sez  to  the  doctor, 
"Dock,  ol'  Monody  here  is  a  cure-all  himself;  he  give 
me  the  best  salve  ever  I  see  for  my  own  shoulder,  an'  when 
he  sez  it 's  all  up  with  him,  he  ain't  blufrm'.  I  reckon  you  'd 
better  just  let  him  alone." 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  51 

I  had  n't  never  seen  this  doctor  before ;  he  was  a  youngish 
buck  with  sharp  features  an'  an  obstinate  chin.  "  No," 
sez  he,  "  it  would  n't  be  professional.  I  got  to  make  an 
examination.  Now  some  o'  you  boys  hold  his  feet  an* 
some  o'  you  hold  his  good  hands  an'  —  " 

"  Some  o'  you  go  to  hell !  "  sez  I.  "  If  ol'  Monody  here 
wants  to  die  with  his  clothes  on  he  's  sure  goin'  to  do  it 
or  else  the'  's  goin'  to  be  consid'able  more  funerals  on  this 
place  than  we  've  already  had.  Now  you  git !  " 

The  Dock,  he  was  the  first  to  go,  an'  then  the  rest  o'  the 
boys  filed  out. 

"  You  're  square,  Happy,"  sez  Monody,  after  they  'd  gone. 
"  You  're  square,  an'  I  knew  it  the  first  time  I  looked  into 
your  eyes.  If  I  'd  fell  in  with  square  ones  at  the  start  it 
would  V  been  a  heap  easier  —  a  heap  easier." 

Cast  Steel  had  n't  hardly  taken  his  eyes  off  Barbie  since 
he  'd  got  up  an'  around  again,  but  right  after  the  Dock  had 
left,  in  he  popped.  "What's  this  I  hear,  Happy?"  he 
sez,  excited. 

"  I  don't  know,  Jabez,"  I  replied. 

"  Dock  Wilson  sez  'at  you  chased  him  out  o'  the  room  with 
a  gun  an'  would  n't  let  him  examine  this  man." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  as  far  as  that  goes,  this  man  has  a 
right  to  judge  for  himself.  He  saved  your  life  an'  your 
outfit  an'  your  daughter,  an'  I  don't  reckon  you  're  goin' 
to  tie  him  into  a  knot  so  as  a  doctor  can  go  pokin'  around 
in  him  when  he  don't  want  it." 

"  You  're  as  obstinate  as  ever !  "  shouts  Jabez.  "  He  's 
probably  out  of  his  head." 

"  No,  he  ain't  out  of  his  head,"  sez  Monody,  in  a  low, 
soft  voice,  but  without  openin'  his  eyes  more  'n  a  crack. 
"  He  ain't  out  of  his  head  an'  he  ain't  forgot  nothin*  he 


52  HAPPYHAWKINS 

ever  knew,  an*  it  '11  be  better  all  around  if  he  's  allowed  to 
go  in  peace." 

Jabez  looked  at  him  in  surprise,  and  Monody  scowled  up 
his  face  till  he  looked  like  a  wounded  Silver  Tip,  but  the' 
came  a  queer  hunted  look  into  Jabez'  eyes  for  a  moment, 
an'  then  he  muttered,  "  Well,  this  is  a  free  country  an'  I 
reckon  he  has  the  right  to  decide.  He  has  sure  saved  us, 
an'  if  the'  's  anything  on  earth  I  can  give  him,  all  he  has 
to  do  is  to  ask  for  it,  an'  I  hope  he  pulls  through  in  his  own 
way." 

Jabez  fidgeted  around  a  minute  or  two  longer  an'  then 
he  oozed  out  o'  the  room.  When  he  'd  gone  ol'  Monody 
chuckled  a  wicked,  contented  chuckle,  an'  after  a  bit  he  sez, 
"  It 's  him  all  right,  it 's  him,  but  he  never  did  me  any  harm, 
an'  I  would  n't  worry  the  child,  not  for  worlds.  She  ought 
to  have  a  woman  around  her  though.  You  get  old  Melisse 
back,  Happy,  an'  remember  —  if  it  ever  comes  to  a  question 
of  you  or  him  —  just  call  him  George  Jordan  an'  say  'at 
Jack  Whitman  was  n't  killed  "  —  Monody  chuckled  again, 
an'  then  sobered  — "  but  don't  spring  it  except  as  a  last 
resort,  'cause  the  little  girl  couldn't  help  nothin'  about  the 
Creole  Belle,  an'  she  ain't  no  call  to  be  worried  by  it.  Jim 
Jimison,  he  's  white,  Happy,  but  he  'd  'a'  been  killed  that  trip 
if  you  had  n't  taken  holt  when  you  did.  He  's  learned  the 
game  purty  well  now,  though,  an'  I  reckon  he  '11  make  good." 

Poor  old  Monody  kept  on  talkin'  disconnected  until  about 
midnight,  first  tellin'  some  devilish  deed  he  'd  seen  or  took 
part  in,  an'  then  tellin'  o'  some  joke  or  some  act  o'  kind 
ness.  Just  at  midnight  he  took  my  hand,  an'  the'  came  a 
look  into  his  eyes  like  as  if  he  was  about  overcome  by 
some  beautiful  vision;  but  in  a  moment  he  sobered  down 
an'  he  gripped  my  hand  till  it  hurt.  "  Happy,"  he  gasped, 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  53 

"  I  allus  loved  ya,  Happy.  You  won't  let  —  you  won't 
let  'em  —  "  an'  it  was  all  over  with  ol'  Monody. 

I  sat  by  the  bed  a  long  time  thinkin'  it  over,  an'  then  I 
went  out  into  the  settin'  room.  Jabez  an'  a  couple  o'  the 
boys  was  there  an'  I  told  'em  it  was  over.  I  went  out 
into  the  night  to  have  a  look  at  the  stars.  Whenever  some- 
thin'  has  happened  in  my  little  wobbly  life  down  here  I  like 
to  get  out  an'  see  the  same  old  stars  in  their  same  old  places, 
calm  an'  steady  an'  true.  That  was  one  thing  which  allus 
drew  me  to  the  child  Barbie,  —  she  was  a  star-worshiper 
too,  same  as  me. 

When  I  got  back  I  see  the  little  doctor  explainin'  somethin' 
to  Jabez.  I  thought  he  had  gone  long  ago,  but  the  hooked- 
nosed  buzzard  could  n't  leave  without  satisfyin'  his  curi 
osity.  "  What  do  you  reckon  was  the  reason  your  friend 
would  n't  let  himself  be  examined  ?  "  sez  he,  with  a  leer. 

"  It  was  n't  nowise  my  business,"  sez  I,  "  so  I  did  n't 
think  about  it  at  all/' 

"  Well,  it  was  because  he  was  n't  a  man  at  all  —  he  was 
a  woman." 

For  a  moment  I  stood  an'  looked  at  him,  while  a  lot  o' 
things  became  clear  as  day  to  me.  A  woman  —  ol'  Monody 
was  a  woman !  When  I  thought  of  what  a  girl  is,  an'  what 
it  must  have  took  to  make  one  want  to  really  be  a  man,  I 
felt  plumb  ashamed  o'  my  sex ;  but  here  was  another  creature 
in  man's  clothes  standin'  an'  grinnin'  into  my  face  as  though 
he  had  done  somethin'  smart. 

"  How  do  you  know  ?  "  I  sez  soft  an'  steady. 

"  I  went  in  an'  examined  —  it  was  my  professional  duty. 
She  had  been  shot  in  the  abdomen  and  the  bullet  had  lodged 
in  the  spine.  She  had  stuffed  a  rag  into  the  hole  an'  all  the 
bleedin'  was  internal.  I  found  that  —  " 


54  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Who  was  with  you  ?  "  I  asked  him. 

"  Nobody,"  he  said  with  pride ;  "  I  went  in  alone  an' 
I  found  —  " 

"  I  'm  obliged  to  ya,  Boys,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  '11  be  obliged 
to  you  still  more  if  you  '11  just  stand  to  one  side  an'  watch 
me  make  an  examination.  I  only  got  one  arm,  so  it 's 
perfectly  fair.  It  seems  to  be  the  fashion  now  days  to 
examine  human  beings  who  wear  men's  clothes  —  but  who 
ain't  men  —  so  I  feel  it  my  professional  duty  to  examine 
this  here  speciment  before  us." 

The  grin  kind  o'  left  his  face  when  I  started  for  him. 
He  was  n't  near  my  size,  but  me  only  havin'  one  workin' 
arm  made  it  fair.  He  looked  to  the  boys  to  help  him,  but 
they  was  unusual  placid.  I  reached  out  an'  grabbed  him 
by  the  collar  an'  put  my  knee  in  his  stomach  as  a  brace ;  he 
struck  me  in  the  face  an'  in  my  wounded  shoulder,  but  in 
about  one  minute  I  had  his  clothes  off  him,  an'  there  he 
stood  the  shamedest  thing  I  ever  see.  "  Now  you  get  out 
o'  here  an'  ride  home,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  believe  if  I  was  you 
I  'd  pick  myself  out  a  new  home  —  one  'at  would  take 
about  six  weeks  to  ride  to.  You  won't  be  popular  around 
here  from  this  on." 

"  Can't  I  put  my  clothes  on  ?  "  he  sez. 

"  Not  these,"  sez  I.  "  If  you  have  any  more  where  you  *ve 
been  livin'  you  can  put  them  on;  but  I  hope  in  my  heart 
the  sun  peels  your  back  before  you  arrive,  an'  I  hope  when 
you  do  arrive  the'  '11  be  enough  women  awake  to  give  you 
a  raw-hidin'  for  bein'  indecent.  Now  git." 

He  looked  into  the  boys'  faces  again,  but  they  wasn't 
friendly  —  they  was  n't  even  smilin',  an'  then  he  went  out 
side,  got  his  pony,  an'  rode  away.  He  rode  clear  out  o'  the 
West,  I  reckon,  'cause  while  I  heard  of  the  story  purty  much 


Monody 


PROFESSIONAL    DUTY  55 

everywhere  I  went  after  that,  I  ain't  never  heard  o'  the  buz 
zard  himself  since  that  day  long,  long  ago. 

It  was  dawn  by  the  time  he  'd  rode  out  o'  sight  with  his 
white  skin  shinin'  on  his  hunched  up  form,  an'  then  I  went 
in  to  set  with  ol'  Monody  a  while. 


CHAPTER    FIVE 

JUST   MONODY  —  A    MAN 

HE  looked  mighty  peaceful,  did  ol'  Monody.  Curious 
thing  about  death,  is  the  way  it  seems  to  beautify  a  person. 
In  life  Monody  was  the  homeliest  human  I  ever  see,  an* 
yet  the'  was  something  so  kindly,  an'  gentle,  an'  —  an* 
satisfied  in  his  face  there  under  the  lamplight,  that  I  reached 
out  an'  patted  his  hand,  almost  envious  —  even  though  my 
fool  eyes  was  a-winkin'  mighty  fast. 

We  all  of  us  would  give  the  first  ten  years  of  our  life 
to  know  what  it 's  like  out  yonder ;  when  he  was  here,  ol' 
Monody  would  'a'  done  anything  he  could  for  me,  —  well, 
he  lay  down  his  life  an'  I  reckon  that 's  about  skinnin' 
the  deck,  —  but  here  I  was  achin'  to  know  how  it  was  with 
him,  an'  there  he  was  with  all  his  guesses  answered,  an' 
him  not  able  to  pass  back  a  single  tip  to  me. 

It  was  n't  him  that  I  was  lookin'  down  at,  it  was  just 
the  shell  of  him,  scarred  and  battered  and  bruised,  but  all 
his  life  —  or  at  least  most  of  it  —  he  had  twisted  up  his 
face  to  make  it  as  ugly  as  possible,  so  'at  no  one  would  n't 
take  him  for  a  woman.  Now  it  could  relax  an'  give  a 
sort  of  a  hint  as  to  what  it  might  have  been  if  he'  d  had  a 
chance  to  live.  Oh,  it 's  sure  a  crime  the  way  we  torture 
some  o'  the  white  souls  'at  drift  to  this  Sorrowful  Star,  as 
I  once  heard  a  feller  call  it. 

Injun,  Nigger,  an'  Greaser  —  why,  such  a  combination 
as  that  ain't  entitled  to  trial  in  a  civilized  nation  —  it 's 
guilty  on  sight.  Any  one  would  know  'at  such  a  bein' 


JUST    MONODY  —  A    MAN  57 

would  be  cruel  an'  treacherous  an'  thievin'  an'  everything 
else  'at  was  bad  —  but  yet  the'  come  a  good  streak  into 
Monody  some  way  or  other.  All  in  the  world  I  had  ever 
done  for  him  was  to  beat  him  over  the  head  when  he  acted 
like  a  beast,  an'  then  to  treat  him  like  a  human  when  he 
acted  like  one.  The'  was  n't  nothin'  especially  kind  nor 
thoughtful  in  it,  just  simple  justice  as  you  might  say, 
an'  yet  in  spite  of  his  treacherous  mixture  he  was  n't  askin' 
no  favors ;  all  he  wanted  was  a  square  deal,  an'  when 
he  got  it  he  was  square  clear  to  the  finish.  It 's  a  funny 
thing,  life. 

In  spite  of  all  he  'd  done  to  kill  it  the'  was  a  mother 
streak  in  him  which  made  him  fair  hungry  for  somethin' 
to  pet  an'  fondle.  He  was  allus  good  to  any  kind  of  an 
animal,  an'  though  I  did  n't  notice  it  at  the  time,  he  was 
allus  motherin'  me;  an'  look  at  the  way  he  had  soothed 
little  Barbie  with  a  touch  that  night  in  the  cook  shack! 
O'  course  I  ain't  questioning  the  judgment  o'  the  Almighty, 
but  for  the  life  o'  me  I  can't  see  why  it  was  necessary  to 
make  a  woman  as  big  an'  as  tall  as  ol'  Monody  was,  an'  yet 
perhaps  if  I  just  knew  the  story  from  the  beginnin',  I  'd  see 
it  was  a  mercy,  after  all.  Anyhow,  it  made  it  easy  enough 
for  him  to  work  out  his  scheme. 

The'  ain't  no  rules  for  women  anyhow,  'cause  their  hearts 
won't  never  surrender  to  their  heads;  when  they  do,  they 
ain't  all  woman.  Well,  yes,  there  is  one  rule  'at 's  safe  for 
a  man  to  foller  in  dealin'  with  woman,  an'  that  is  that  when 
a  woman  's  in  love,  she  's  in  love  all  over.  Sometimes  a 
man  's  in  love  up  to  his  pocket-book,  sometimes  up  to  his 
appetite,  an'  sometimes  up  to  his  heart,  but  he 's  mighty 
seldom  in  love  all  over.  If  nothin'  else  stays  dry  he 's 
generally  able  to  take  care  of  his  head,  but  with  a  woman 


58  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

everything  goes ;  so  I  'm  purty  tol'able  sure  that  away  back 
at  the  beginnin'  it  was  love  'at  drove  ol'  Monody  out  of 
her  own  sex  down  into  ours. 

When  the  news  spread  abroad  'at  the  man  who  had 
killed  Bill  Brophy  without  a  weapon  had  cashed  in,  the 
neighbors  gathered  from  ninety  miles  around,  and  we  sure 
gave  Monody  the  rip-snortin'est  funeral  ever  seen  in  those 
parts.  We  did  n't  say  nothin'  about  him  not  really  bein' 
a  man,  an'  though  I  reckon  'at  every  feller  there  knew  of 
it,  the'  was  n't  a  single  one  of  'em  spoke  of  it  —  so  we 
did  n't  have  no  trouble  at  all. 

He  lies  on  a  little  knoll  about  a  mile  to  the  north  of  the 
ranch  house.  Up  back  of  him  ol'  Mount  Savage  stands 
guard  an'  fights  off  the  roughest  of  the  storms;  while  the 
soft  winds  from  the  south  steal  gently  up  a  little  cut  in  the 
rocks  an'  seem  to  circle  about  him,  whisperin'  secrets  of 
countries  far  away.  If  the'  's  a  single  bird  in  Wyoming, 
you  can  find  it  hoppin'  about  his  narrow  bed  or  singin' 
in  the  oak  tree  'at  stands  above  him,  spreadin*  out  its 
branches  like  a  priest  givin'  the  blessin'.  Winter  or  summer, 
Monody's  grave  is  the  quietest,  peacefullest,  purtiest  spot 
'at  lies  outdoors,  as  if  the  old  Earth  had  repented  of  the 
way  it  had  treated  him,  and  was  tryin'  to  make  it  up  to 
him  now. 

Take  it  in  winter  when  the'  's  a  clean  sheet  o'  soft, 
white  snow  over  everything,  an'  I  like  to  go  out  an' 
stand  on  another  little  knoll  about  a  half  mile  this  side. 
The  last  speck  of  light  in  the  valley  comes  through  a 
narrow  cleft  an'  falls  on  Monody's  grave.  As  the  sun 
sinks  lower  an'  lower  the  crimson  glory  on  the  soft 
fleecy  snow  seems  to  come  up  out  of  the  grave  an'  climb 
the  black  shadow  of  the  mountain,  like  —  but  pshaw, 


JUST    MONODY  —  A    MAN  59 

I    reckon    it  'd   be   a   mighty   tame    sight   to   ol'    Monody 
himself. 

I  never  speak  of  him,  an'  I  never  think  of  him,  as  any 
thing  but  a  man.  He  lived  like  a  man,  God  knows  he  died 
like  a  man;  and  on  the  little  stone  at  his  head  the'  ain't 
nothin'  carved  except  just  —  Monody,  a  Man. 


CHAPTER    SIX 

THE   RACE 

IT  was  mighty  pleasant  back  at  the  Diamond  Dot  after 
things  got  settled  again.  Barbie  had  become  a  curious  little 
trick  with  a  way  of  doin'  strange  things  in  a  sober  old- 
fashioned  manner  like  as  if  she  was  a  hundred  years  of 
age,  but  was  tryin'  to  hide  it. 

She  was  more  like  Jabez  too,  which  give  me  a  heap  of 
amusement,  seein'  which  one  was  goin'  to  win  when  they 
straddled  a  question.  Barbie  was  n't  sassy,  not  at  all ;  she 
just  did  n't  seem  able  to  savvy  that  a  few  small  matters, 
like  age  an'  parentage  an'  ownin'  the  ranch,  gave  Jabez  a 
sort  of  a  majority  vote,  as  you  might  say,  on  all  questions. 
No,  Barbie  couldn't  seem  to  get  callous  to  this,  an'  she 
fought  out  all  differences  of  opinion  from  the  mere  facts 
o'  the  case,  an'  I  got  to  do  Jabez  the  justice  of  admittin'  that 
he  never  retreated  behind  his  authority  until  after  he  'd 
been  well  licked  in  the  open;  an'  unless  it  was  a  mighty 
important  question  he  took  his  lickin'  like  a  man.  Barbie 
was  game  about  it  too,  an'  when  she  got  the  worst  of  a 
fair  fight  she  never  put  up  a  howl ;  but  when  she  had  won  in 
the  open  it  used  to  grind  her  something  fierce  to  be  told 
point  blank  that  she  had  to  do  such  an'  so,  "  'Cause  she  was 
a  girl." 

"If  tobacco  stunts  your  growth,  how  's  it  come  'at  old 
Tank  Williams  an'  George  Hendricks  an'  Happy  an'  a 
lot  more  o'  the  boys  is  all  over  six  feet  tall,"  she  sez  one  day 


THERACE  61 

durin'  a  try-out,  "  while  Flap  Jack  is  the  smallest  man  on 
the  place  an'  he  don't  never  use  it  at  all  —  'cept  when  he 
cuts  his  ringer." 

"  Things  don't  allus  work  alike,"  sez  Jabez,  slow  an' 
cautious.  "  The  tall  ones  would  all  'av'  been  taller  if  they 
had  n't  used  it,  an'  Flappy,  he  would  n't  'a'  been  able  to  see 
out  of  his  boots  if  he  had." 

"  Well,  I  don't  see  as  it  makes  much  difference,  anyhow," 
sez  she.  "  I  don't  want  to  be  so  everlastin'  tall,  so  I  reckon 
I  '11  just  smoke  four  a  day  an'  that  '11  —  " 

"  I  reckon  you  won't  smoke  any  a  day,"  sez  Jabez,  gettin' 
riled.  "  Smokin'  cigarettes  is  a  nasty,  filthy  habit,  an'  —  " 

"  Then  I  '11  smoke  a  pipe,"  sez  Barbie. 

"  No  you  won't  smoke  a  pipe !  I  don't  intend  to  have  a 
gal  child  of  mine  smokin'  anything.  It 's  disgustin',  an  —  " 

"  It  ain't  as  disgustin'  as  chewin',  an'  you  chew,"  sez 
Barbie. 

"  Now  you  look  here ! "  yells  Jabez,  hot  as  a  hornet, 
"  I  'm  a  man  an'  you  ain't,  an'  that  makes  a  heap  o'  dif 
ference.  I  had  to  give  up  cussin'  on  your  account,  but  I 
don't  intend  to  go  to  wearin'  dresses  complete,  just  to  keep 
you  halfway  respectable." 

"  Yes,  an'  I  got  three  cusses  comin'  to  me  too,"  sez 
Barbie.  "  I  heard  you  over  at  the  hay-barn  yesterday." 

"  That  don't  count  —  the  agreement  was,  '  about  the 
house ' ;  an'  besides,  you  did  n't  have  no  call  to  be  there." 

"  Yes  I  did.  I  could  n't  light  my  cigarette  out  in  the 
wind  so  I  got  behind  the  barn.  You  are  the  one  'at  did  n't 
have  no  call  to  cuss.  The'  was  n't  anything  wrong  at  the 
hay-barn  an'  you  was  all  alone.  I  just  know  'at  you  went 
there  to  cuss  'cause  I  made  you  own  up  at  breakfast  that 
it  was  n't  no  worse  for  me  to  fling  the  oatmeal  out  the 


62  HAPPYHAWKINS 

window  when  it  did  n't  suit  me  than  it  was  for  you  to  fling 
the  coffee." 

The  old  man  just  stood  an'  stared  at  her  so  I  knew  'at 
the  little  witch  had  rooted  out  his  devisement.  "  When 
you  are  older,  Barbara,"  ol'  Cast  Steel  sez  in  his  coldest  tone, 
"  you  will  understand  these  things  an'  be  glad  of  the  care 
I  took  of  you ;  but  now  I  am  compelled  to  lay  down  a  law. 
You  are  never  to  smoke  again  until  you  're  of  legal  age." 

"  What 's  legal  age?  "  sez  she. 

"  Twenty-one  years,"  sez  Jabez. 

"That'll  be  thirteen  years,"  sez  Barbie.  "All  right; 
but  I  'm  goin'  to  roll  three  cigarettes  a  day  for  thirteen 
years  an'  the  very  day  I  'm  twenty-one  I  'm  goin'  to  smoke 
'em  all." 

"  You  go  to  your  room  an'  stay  there,"  sez  Jabez,  white- 
hot. 

"  I  will,"  she  answers  as  cool  as  an  icicle,  "  an'  I  'm 
goin'  to  figure  up  how  many  it  will  be,  so  I  '11  have  some 
sort  of  fun  to  look  forward  to  —  when  I  get  of  legal 
age." 

After  she  'd  gone  Jabez  set  down  on  a  stone  an'  wiped 
his  forehead.  "  She  ain't  a  child,  Happy.  She  ain't  nothin' 
like  a  child,"  sez  Jabez  to  me.  "  Here  she  is  only  eight  year 
old  an'  she 's  got  me  out  beyond  my  depth  already.  I 
don't  know  what  I  ought  to  do  with  her.  She  went  to  the 
spring  round-up  this  year  an'  slept  in  a  Navajo  right  out 
doors.  She  wants  to  go  bear  huntin'  or  anything  else  'at 's 
wild  an'  dis-accordin'  to  her  nature.  What  on  earth  am  I 
goin'  to  do  with  her  ?  " 

"You  ought  to  have  children  to  play  with  her.  She 
wants  to  play  all  right,  she  tries  to  play;  but  the  only 
kind  of  play  she  knows  is  grown-up  play.  Get  some  children 


THERACE  63 

an'  dolls  an'  pet  kittens  an'  such  things  for  her ;  that  '11 
give  her  a  chance,"  sez  I. 

"  I  tried  it,"  sez  Jabez.  "  I  tried  it  last  summer,  but  she 
about  killed  'em.  The  only  children  I  could  get  was  two 
little  Injuns,  but  she  about  ruined  'em.  The  only  game  she 
would  play  was  war,  an'  when  they  would  n't  stand  for 
her  way  o'  playin'  it  she  got  on  her  pinto  —  the  one  you 
broke  for  her  —  an'  roped  'em  both  an'  like  to  dragged  the 
hide  off  'em.  I  don't  know  what  to  do." 

"  You  ought  to  send  her  to  school,"  sez  I.  "  They  '11  be 
white  children  there  an'  they  won't  be  slow  an'  gentle  like 
the  little  Injuns ;  they  '11  be  just  as  full  o'  devil  as  what 
she  is,  an'  she  '11  get  the  sharp  corners  wore  off  her." 

"  Hang  it  I  tried  that  too.  I  sent  her  when  she  was 
six  year  old  —  I  'd  been  lookin'  forward  to  it  a  good  long 
time  too,  but  it  did  n't  do  no  good. 

"  She  put  in  the  first  day  all  right,  but  things  went  too 
slow  for  her  after  that,  an'  she  brought  home  her  books 
an'  made  me  pester  over  'em  with  her,  an'  she  went  into  it 
like  a  game,  an'  now  she 's  gone  through  about  four  years' 
work  in  two.  It 's  a  blame  shame,  'cause  the  school  is  only 
ten  miles  away  an'  she  could  go  as  well  as  not,  but  she  's 
so  terrible  impatient.  She  reads  all  kinds  o'  books  already, 
an'  sez  she  's  goin'  to  read  'em  all  before  she  quits.  She 
ain't  a  bit  like  a  child  an'  I  don't  think  it's  natural.  I 
wish  she  'd  pester  me  for  dolls  an'  pink  dresses  an'  things 
like  that  instead  of  wantin'  all  kinds  of  firearms,  an'  playin' 
poker  with  the  boys." 

Ol'  Cast  Steel  was  all  worked  up  over  it,  an'  I  thought 
a  long  time  before  I  answered  him,  then  I  sez,  "Jabez, 
you  're  hard  enough  on  the  child  an'  you  're  strict  enough 
with  her,  but  you  ain't  strict  enough  with  yourself.  When  it 


64  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

comes  to  a  show  down,  —  when  you  actually  say  yes  and 
now,  —  why,  she  gives  in ;  but  when  you  argue  with  her 
she  's  just  as  sharp  as  you  are,  an'  the'  's  a  heap  o'  things 
all  children  has  to  do  'at  I  reckon  the'  ain't  no  real  sense 
in,  so  when  you  try  to  dig  up  a  reason  for  'em  you  give  'em 
the  whip  hand.  Just  like  religion:  lots  of  it  is  better  just 
stated  an'  not  mussed  up  tryin'  to  be  explained.  When  a 
parson  tries  to  tell  me  why  God  created  this  universe,  it 
don't  sound  reasonable;  but  when  I  go  out  an'  look  at  the 
stars  an'  the  mountains  an'  the  big  sweep  o'  the  plains  an* 
then  try  to  round  up  all  that  astronomer  feller  said  about 
things,  why,  I  just  know  'at  nobody  but  God  could  'a'  done 
it  —  an'  I  reckon  it 's  that  way  with  a  child.  She  trusts  you 
until  you  get  down  to  her  level  an'  then  she  sees  that  the' 
ain't  much  difference  between  you,  an'  she  naturally  expects 
you  to  play  the  same  game  by  the  same  rules.  You  send  her 
to  school  an'  tell  her  it 's  for  her  own  good,  an'  let  her  'n  the 
teacher  fight  it  out.  That 's  a  teacher's  business  an'  they 
know  how." 

Well,  they  was  a  heap  o'  sense  in  what  I  said,  an'  I  'd 
been  thinkin'  over  it  a  long  spell ;  so  when  school  opened  up 
again  in  the  fall  Barbie  had  her  orders  an'  the'  was  n't  much 
in  the  way  of  trouble. 

I  did  n't  have  any  regular  duties  at  the  Diamond  Dot  — 
the  worst  trouble  about  the  Diamond  Dot  was  that  nobody 
had  any  regular  duties.  Jabez  was  notionable  to  a  degree, 
an'  we  all  just  floated  along,  doin'  what  we  did  do  right,  but 
not  havin'  much  of  a  plan  for  it.  I  could  have  handled  the 
place  with  ten  less  men  an'  got  through  on  a  tighter  schedule, 
but  it  was  a  fine  place  to  work  at  an'  we  all  got  what  was 
comin'  to  us.  Through  the  winter  I  used  to  ride  over  with 
Barbie  when  the  days  was  anyways  rough,  an'  it  took  her 


THERACE  65 

a  long  time  to  find  out  that  Starlight  really  could  beat  her 
pinto.  I  reckon  that  child  was  the  best  rider  'at  ever  backed 
a  pony.  As  you  might  say  she  grew  up  with  a  pony  be 
tween  her  knees,  an'  the  way  she  could  play  a  bit  in  a 
hoss's  mouth  was  the  finest  sight  I  ever  see.  I  ain't  much 
of  a  fool  when  it  comes  to  pickin'  out  a  ridin'  critter,  an' 
the  pinto  was  able  —  most  uncommon  able. 

One  Saturday  morning  she  told  me  that  she  was  tired  o' 
seein'  Starlight  beat  Hawkins  on  ten-mile  dashes,  an'  she  was 
goin'  to  have  a  real  race  that  day.  She  allus  called  the 
pinto  "  Hawkins  "  after  I  got  back ;  she  had  said  it  would  n't 
be  polite  to  call  us  both  "  Happy  "  an'  as  long  as  I  had  owned 
both  names  the  longest,  she  was  willin'  to  give  me  my  choice 
—  an'  then  she  said  'at  that  would  n't  be  quite  fair  to  the 
pinto  —  she  was  mighty  rigid  on  bein'  square  —  so  she  said 
'at  we  'd  have  to  draw  for  'em.  She  wrote  "  Happy  "  on 
one  piece  of  paper  an'  "  Hawkins  "  on  the  other,  put  her 
hat  in  the  pony's  mouth,  —  she  had  taught  him  a  lot  o' 
tricks,  —  an'  I  had  to  turn  my  back  while  she  dropped  in 
the  names.  My  luck  was  good,  so  I  drawed  "  Happy," 
an'  the  pony  was  called  "  Hawkins."  I  was  feared  I  might 
have  to  go  back  to  John,  an'  John  's  a  sort  of  a  heavy  bag 
gage  for  a  careless  cuss  to  be  luggin'  around. 

It  was  spring,  an'  the  range  was  smooth  an'  tough.  All 
through  the  snow  Starlight's  long  legs  had  given  him  a 
big  advantage,  but  now  her  weight  made  it  a  purty  good  bet 
either  way.  "  Let  'em  go  grassin',  Barbie,"  sez  I.  "  This 
fine  young  grass  —  " 

"  I  knew  you  were  afraid  to  make  a  fair  test  of  it,"  she 
sez  scornful. 

"  I  ain't  neither  afraid,"  I  sez,  "  but  what 's  the  use  of  a 

race  just  to  satisfy  our  curiosity?" 

S 


66  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"What's  the  use  of  curiosity  except  to  satisfy  it?"  sez 
Barbie,  an'  she  had  me  sure  enough.  A  feller  was  a  fool 
to  argue  with  that  little  witch.  She  allus  had  a  come-back, 
an'  the  only  way  to  get  ahead  of  her  was  either  to  boss  or 
beg.  I  had  n't  no  authority  to  boss,  an'  I  was  too  blame 
young  to  beg,  so  she  just  about  had  me  roped  an'  tied. 
"  How  far  are  you  goin'  to  race  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  A  hundred  miles,"  sez  she. 

"Pshaw,"  sez  I,  "the  country's  wider 'n  that.  Why 
don't  you  give  'em  a  decent  work  out." 

"  That  '11  be  enough  for  this  time,"  sez  she,  "  an'  if  you 
hustle  you  can  have  'em  ready  by  five  o'clock." 

"  Does  the  boss  know  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  He  will  sometime,"  sez  she.     "  Now  hustle." 

It  was  a  glorious  day,  an'  I  own  up  I  was  amused  at  the 
prospect.  Both  hosses  was  hard  as  flint  an'  nervy.  If 
I  'd  'a'  stayed  at  the  ranch  I  'd  have  collected  up  brandin' 
irons  an'  other  truck  for  the  round-up,  an'  a  hundred  miles 
through  spring  sweetness  was  a  heap  sight  more  temptin' 
to  me ;  so  I  give  in  an'  soon  we  was  under  way.  "  Where 
is  the  course  laid  out,  Barbie  ?  "  I  sez.  "  You  know  I  won't 
see  much  of  you  back  there  in  the  ruck  an'  I  want  to  know 
the  path." 

"  All  you  need  to  do  is  to  foller  Hawkins's  trail,"  sez 
she,  "  but  in  case  you  can't  find  it  just  circle  Mount  Savage 
an*  that  '11  be  the  distance,  so  the  boys  say." 

We  started  out  at  a  comfortable  gait,  an'  I  watched  her 
pretty  close.  Once  I  tried  her  out  by  sendin'  Starlight  along 
for  a  mile,  but  she  just  kept  the  pinto  pluggin'  away,  an' 
I  sensed  I  was  up  against  some  head  ridin'.  Oh,  it  was 
gratifyin'  to  watch  the  little  rascal  ridin'  with  her  brain, 
like  I  'd  taught  her.  She  did  n't  throw  the  reins  down  on 


THERACE  67 

her  pony's  neck,  an'  she  didn't  pull  in  on  the  bit;  she  just 
played  it  in  his  mouth  to  keep  remindin'  him  that  this  was 
his  busy  day,  an'  that  he  'd  better  tend  to  his  knittin'.  Old 
Starlight  knew  every  move  I  made,  an'  he  was  resigned  to 
a  good  long  pump  of  it. 

I  nonsensed  a  while,  tryin'  to  get  her  to  laugh  an'  cut  up, 
but  not  her.  "  Now  don't  talk  unless  you  have  somethin' 
to  say,  Happy,"  sez  she.  "  I  don't  want  Hawkins  to  imagine 
'at  we  're  out  ridin'  for  an  appetite.  I  want  him  to  believe 
'at  we're  on  mighty  important  business." 

"  Oh,  he  '11  sure  enough  think  it,"  sez  I,  "  when  we  swing 
around  Mount  Savage  an'  he  gets  to  see  home  through 
Starlight's  dust." 

"  When  it  comes  to  that,  I  '11  bet  he  won't  be  complainin' 
o'  the  dullness  of  the  business  he 's  been  on.  Now  just 
practice  thinkin'  a  while." 

We  watered  about  noon  at  a  little  snow  stream  on  the 
opposite  side  of  old  Savage;  but  we  et  our  vittles  on  hoss 
back  an'  we  did  n't  waste  any  time  on  the  waterin'.  I 
figured  we  'd  scaled  up  about  fifty  miles,  an'  the  pinto  was 
still  tonguin'  his  bit  an'  waitin'  for  somethin'  interestin' 
to  turn  up.  Starlight  was  gettin'  some  disgusted  with  the 
monotony. 

We  rode  on  for  another  hour  an'  then  Barbie  began  to 
ride  a  little.  The  pinto  let  out  a  couple  of  links  as  cheerful 
as  a  rainbow,  an'  I  rode  at  his  cinch.  I  knew  I  could  beat 
her  in  the  brush,  an'  she  was  easin'  the  pinto  too  much 
to  make  it  a  question  of  grit  unless  she  began  to  herd  him 
mighty  shortly.  Well  she  did  begin  ridin'  purty  soon,  an' 
brother  Hawkins  responded  like  an  echo.  He  was  a  hog 
for  distance,  was  that  pinto.  He  was  short  on  top  with 
plenty  of  depth  to  him,  and  his  belly  cut  up  quick,  showin' 


68  HAPPYHAWKINS 

he  had  lots  o'  room  for  his  heart  an'  his  lungs  an'  his  forage. 
Starlight's  nostrils  worked  a  shade  more  than  his  did, 
but  we  were  gettin'  purty  close  to  the  pinto's  speed,  an' 
Starlight  had  a  load  of  it  left,  and  he'd  pay  out  the  last 
ounce  of  it  when  I  said  the  word.  I  knew  I  could  beat  her 
this  time,  but  I  was  feared  she  might  call  for  a  repeat  the 
next  day  —  an'  I  intended  to  remind  Jabez  it  was  the 
Sabbath. 

Starlight  was  pretty  wet  with  sweat,  while  the  pinto  was 
bone  dry  when  we  struck  Trouble  Creek  which  was  boilin' 
full.  In  we  went,  an'  the  water  hissed  and  sucked  around 
our  waists ;  but  we  crossed  at  about  the  same  time,  an'  then 
it  was  only  ten  miles  to  the  ranch  house,  an'  Barbie  shook 
her  quirt.  Away  shot  the  pinto,  but  Starlight  had  his  fussy 
streak  warm  by  this  time,  an'  I  let  him  edge  ahead  as  fast 
as  he  wanted  to.  He  knew  the  distance  now,  an'  he  knew 
I  wanted  to  cover  it  in  the  least  possible  time,  an'  he  knew 
just  how  much  the'  was  left  in  him,  so  I  drew  a  tight  rein, 
eased  it  off  again,  an'  we  dropped  a  gap  between  us  an* 
the  shorter  legs  of  Barbie's  mount.  We  only  gained  an 
inch  at  a  time  an'  I  was  n't  sure  I  'd  be  the  one  to  do  the 
braggin'  even  yet,  when  all  of  a  sudden  we  swept  around 
a  point  of  rock  an'  there  was  Melisse  hot-footin'  it  to  the 
ranch  house.  She  heard  us  the  minute  we  saw  her,  an'  when 
we  drew  up  to  her  she  gasped :  '  Pluto  has  about  killed  ol' 
Cast  Steel,  an'  Spider  Kelley  has  gone  for  the  doctor." 

Barbie  caught  the  words,  but  she  never  made  a  reply  or 
asked  a  single  question;  she  just  laid  the  quirt  without 
a  sting  over  Hawkins's  foreshoulder  an'  raced  on.  I  stopped 
long  enough  to  tell  Melisse  that  I  would  send  the  buck- 
board  after  her,  an'  then  I  took  after  Barbie.  It  looked 
like  a  race,  sure  enough. 


I  knew  I  could  beat  her  this  time 


THERACE  69 

I  was  worried.  Pluto  was  a  high  grade  stallion  Jabez 
had  got  after  I  lined  up  Starlight  alongside  the  range 
ponies,  an'  he  had  the  meanest  temper  I  ever  see  put  into 
a  hoss.  I  had  been  tendin'  him  'cause  I  'd  got  wise  to  the 
ways  o'  these  thin-skinned  fellers  down  at  the  Lion  Head, 
but  I  never  quite  trusted  him,  an'  I  feared  'at  maybe  Barbie's 
goin'  off  without  notice  had  riled  the  old  man  an'  he  had 
tried  to  take  it  out  on  Pluto. 

We  only  had  five  miles  to  go,  an'  we  sure  went  it.  I  beat 
her  to  the  ranch  house,  but  Starlight  had  n't  got  his  breath 
back  when  she  rode  in,  an'  the  pinto  only  took  one  long 
breath  an'  shook  his  head.  I  turned  the  bosses  over  to  one  o' 
the  boys  'at  were  hangin'  around  the  door  lookin'  troubled, 
an'  hustled  inside.  Jabez  lay  on  the  lounge  with  a  face  like 
soured  vinegar.  He  had  a  bandage  round  his  head  an' 
another  around  his  arm,  while  his  leg  was  propped  up  on 
pillows. 

"  What 's  the  damage,  Jabez  ?  "  I  asked. 

"Where's  Barbie?"  he  demanded,  not  payin'  any  heed 
to  my  question.  She  had  flung  herself  from  the  pinto  an' 
came  running  into  the  room.  "  Oh,  Daddy,"  she  said, 
throwin'  her  arms  around  him. 

"  Where  have  you  been  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  been  racin'  with  Happy,"  she  said.  "  Are  you  bad 
hurt,  Daddy?" 

"Who  beat?"  sez  he. 

"  Happy  did,  about  a  hundred  yards." 

"  It  was  n't  more  'n  fifty,"  sez  I. 

"  How  far  did  you  race?"  asked  Jabez,  grittin'  his  teeth. 

"  A  hundred  miles,"  sez  Barbie. 

"A  hundred  miles?"  sez  Jabez,  grinnin'  painful.  "A 
hundred  miles,  an'  the  black  hoss  beat  your  pinto  carryin' 


70  HAPPYHAWKINS 

a  hundred 'n  fifty  pounds  more  weight.  Hendricks  —  tell 
those  blame  fools  not  to  kill  Pluto.  Happy,  you  go  an' 
see  that  they  don't  even  hurt  him.  It  was  my  fault.  Now, 
Barbie,  tell  me  about  the  race." 

I  went  out  to  the  big  open  stall  where  Pluto  was  kept  all 
by  himself,  but  first  I  sent  one  o'  the  boys  with  the  buck- 
board  after  Melisse.  I  found  Pluto  in  the  middle  of  his 
stall  with  three  ropes  around  his  neck  an'  the  boys  snubbin' 
him  to  posts.  They  was  n't  minded  to  let  him  go,  even  on 
Hendricks's  say-so,  but  I  went  into  the  stall  an'  told  'em 
to  ease  off.  "  He  's  whipped  one  man  in  a  fair  fight,"  sez 
I,  "  an'  if  another  man  don't  whip  him  in  a  fair  fight  the' 
won't  be  any  handlin'  of  him  from  this  on.  Ease  off  these 
ropes." 

Well,  I  whipped  that  hoss  in  a  fair  fight,  an'  then  I  went 
in  to  see  how  Jabez  was  gettin'  along.  I  said  a  fair  fight 
an'  I  meant  a  fair  fight.  Yes,  the'  is  a  way  to  fight  a  hoss 
fair  —  that  is,  as  fair  as  any  fight  is.  If  you  look  at  it  one 
way,  the'  can't  never  be  a  fair  fight,  'cause  one  is  bound  to 
have  an  advantage  —  skill,  luck,  experience,  or  courage ;  but 
what  I  mean  is,  that  I  fought  that  hoss  with  nothing  but 
just  my  own  hands  an'  I  whipped  him. 

Why  the  way  I  did  it  was  this:  as  soon  as  they  slacked 
off  the  ropes  I  slipped  up  beside  him  an'  jerked  'em  over 
his  head,  an'  we  two  stood  alone  in  the  big  box  stall  with 
size  in  his  favor  an'  brains  in  mine.  I  had  some  consid'able 
size  in  those  days,  an'  he  was  almost  too  brainy  for  a  hoss; 
but  I  own  up  'at  I  'd  had  the  most  experience. 

First  I  stood  off  an'  insulted  him:  I  cussed  him  an'  I 
called  him  all  manner  of  names  an'  then  I  laughed  at  him  — 
you  think  a  hoss,  a  hoss  like  Pluto,  can't  be  insulted  ?  Why, 
pshaw !  they  're  as  high  feelin'  as  children.  He  was  out  o'1 


THERACE  71 

humor  to  begin  with,  an'  purty  soon  his  ears  went  back  an' 
his  eyes  got  red.  I  've  heard  tell  about  an  animal  not  bein' 
able  to  look  a  man  in  the  eyes,  an'  I  never  saw  the  wild  ani 
mal  'at  could ;  but  I  've  seen  three  man-eatin'  stallions  in 
my  time  'at  could  look  clear  to  your  liver,  an'  a  bulldog  can 
do  it  too. 

First  off  he  tried  to  bite,  but  I  got  him  a  shoulder-blow 
right  on  the  nose.  It  made  him  wink,  an'  he  reared  an'  struck 
at  me  with  his  front  hoofs.  I  ducked  to  the  left  an'  the 
minute  his  hoofs  came  down  I  slipped  thumb  an'  forefinger 
into  his  nostrils,  an'  tried  to  jerk  his  head  around  to  the 
right ;  but  I  'd  thrown  him  once  before  that  way  an'  he 
was  too  quick.  He  threw  up  his  head  before  I  could  grip 
his  mane  with  my  left,  an'  a  reachin'  kick  with  his  right 
hind  foot  tore  my  vest  away. 

He  floundered  me  around  consid'able  for  a  spell,  but  at  last 
in  tryin'  to  jam  me  against  the  wall  I  got  hold  of  his  mane. 
I  braced  my  feet  against  the  wall  an'  liftin'  myself,  I  got 
his  ear  in  my  mouth  an'  I  bit  it.  It  was  a  trick  I  'd  learned 
from  ol'  Monody,  an'  I  sure  bit  hard  an'  close  to  the  head. 
For  mighty  nigh  a  minute  he  stood  it  fightin',  an'  then  he 
give  a  groan.  He  had  n't  had  a  sniff  of  air  through  his 
nose  since  I  'd  grabbed  it,  an'  he  was  n't  no  bulldog,  he  was 
a  satin-skinned  thoroughbred,  an'  he  could  n't  stand  the 
anguish  in  his  ear. 

He  groaned  an'  then  he  shivered  an'  then  of  a  sudden  I 
let  go  his  ear,  jerked  his  head  around  to  the  right,  pulled 
up  his  left  front  foot  with  my  left  hand  an'  heaved  with  my 
shoulder.  Down  he  went  an'  as  he  fell  I  leaped  across 
him,  an'  put  my  weight  on  his  head.  Then  I  took  my 
fingers  out  of  his  nose  an'  patted  him. 

I  hate  to  whip  a  hoss,  I  hate  to  break  the  pride  of  any 


72  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

livin'  creature;  but  when  I  start  in  to  do  it  I  don't  just 
pester  him.  I  wait  until  I  have  good  reason  an'  then  I  con 
vince  him  —  whether  he  's  able  to  live  through  it  or  not. 
I  stroked  old  Pluto's  ears  an'  nose,  all  the  time  murmurin' 
to  him,  an'  durin'  the  murmurin'  I  told  the  boys  to  file  out. 
I  never  shame  nobody  in  front  of  anybody  if  the'  's  any 
other  way  round. 

Well,  Pluto  was  drippin'  with  sweat  an'  havin'  his  bit  ear 
rubbed  was  mighty  soothin'  to  him.  We  all  like  a  lot  of 
babyin'  after  we  've  been  hurt,  whether  we  own  up  to  it  or 
not,  an'  Pluto  was  n't  any  exception  to  the  rule.  After  a 
while  I  explained  even-thing  to  him  an'  told  him  that  if  he  'd 
just  act  like  a  human  bein',  he  'd  be  treated  like  a  king ;  but 
if  he  wanted  to  carry  on  like  some  savage  varmint  we  'd  have 
to  remove  his  hide  an  inch  at  a  time ;  an'  when  I  finally  let 
him  up  he  was  mortal  shamed  of  himself. 

It  was  plumb  dark  by  the  time  I  let  him  up,  an'  I  watered 
him  an'  fed  him  an'  nibbed  him  until  he  began  to  eat,  an' 
that  wras  the  last  bother  any  man  ever  had  with  Pluto; 
but  I  was  the  only  one  he'd  mind  without  bein'  chain- 
bitted.  He  counted  me  his  best  friend,  an'  after  a  while 
he  got  so  he  'd  play  with  me  —  nip  my  ear  with  his  lips 
an'  such  things,  which  I  count  as  bein'  a  game  way  of 
takin'  punishment.  Still,  it  ain't  just  gettin'  beat,  it 's  havin' 
it  rubbed  in  that  makes  a  feller  bitter. 

I  walked  around  to  where  Starlight  an'  Hawkins  was 
enjoyin'  their  evenin'  meal,  an'  I  was  mortal  proud  of  the 
condition  they  was  in.  I  reckon  the'  was  n't  another  pair 
in  the  territory  'at  could  'a'  covered  their  ante  that  day,  an' 
it  was  a  feather  in  Uncle  Happy's  cap  all  right. 

But  all  the  time  I  was  thinkin'  o'  these  things  I  was 
dreadin'  havin'  it  out  with  Jabez.  He  was  contrairy  enough 


THERACE  73 

at  the  best;  but  all  bunged  up,  I  could  see  my  self-control 
gettin'  strained  twice  a  minute.  I  knew  enough  about  us 
both  to  know  'at  whenever  it  came  to  a  show  down,  it  meant 
a  breakin'  of  home  ties,  an'  I  hated  to  cut  loose  from  Barbie. 
After  a  while,  I  washed  up,  fed  up,  an*  went  in  to  have  it 
over  with. 


CHAPTER   SEVEN 

MENTAL   TREATMENT   FOR   A   BROKEN    LEG 

BARBIE  an'  three  of  the  boys  were  in  the  room  when  I 
went  in.  Barbie  was  tellin'  the  old  man  of  our  ride,  an' 
;he  three  punchers  sat  with  the  rims  of  their  lids  between 
thumb  an'  ringer,  lookin'  at  the  floor  as  solemn  as  if  they 
was  on  trial  for  their  life.  Barbie  had  just  finished  about 
our  meetin'  up  with  Melisse  when  I  stepped  in. 

"  Who  's  boss  o'  this  place  ?  "  sez  Jabez  to  me. 

"If  the'  is  any  boss,"  sez  I,  "  I  reckon  you  're  it." 

"  Who  told  you  you  could  be  gone  all  day  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Nobody  told  me.  Nobody  told  me  what  was  to  be  done 
if  I  stayed.  Nobody  has  n't  told  me  what  to  do  on  a  ranch 
for  some  several  years.  Why  ?  " 

"  Looks  to  me  as  if  you  'd  have  sense  enough  not  to  risk 
this  child's  life  with  your  fool  nonsense,"  sez  he.  I  looked 
at  him  calm  an'  steady,  an'  I  did  n't  grin  —  much. 

He  knew  all  'at  I  was  thinkin'  of,  —  about  my  leavin'  the 
last  time  an'  also  about  my  comin'  back,  —  but  he  also 
knew  'at  I  knew  he  was  thinkin'  of  the  same  thing,  an' 
that  we  'd  neither  of  us  mention  it,  an'  that  it  would  n't  ever 
weigh  an  ounce  in  whatever  happened  to  come  between  us. 
I  did  n't  say  anything. 

"  What  makes  you  humor  her  in  everything  for  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  As  far  as  I  know,  she  ain't  my  child,"  sez  I. 

He  give  a  start  an'  it  made  him  groan.  "  What 's  the 
matter  with  your  leg  ?  "  sez  I. 


MENTAL    TREATMENT  75 

"  It 's  broke !  "  he  yells.  "  Do  you  think  I  got  it  stuck  up 
on  pillers  'cause  my  foot 's  asleep  ?  " 

"  Is  it  easy  that  way  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  No  it  ain't,"  he  snaps. 

"  Perhaps  if  you  'd  get  it  fixed  easy  you  might  be  able 
to  talk  easy,"  I  sez.  "Do  you  want  me  to  fix  it  easy?" 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  yes,  if  you  know  how,"  he  sez ;  so 
I  examined  it.  It  was  a  nasty  break.  It  seems  'at  Jabez  had 
hunted  over  the  place  to  find  something  to  fuss  about  as 
soon  as  he  discovered  'at  Barbie  an'  me  had  flown  the  coop. 
Luck  was  in  his  favor  when  Slinky  Bill  left  Pluto's  door 
open  an'  he  got  out.  It  took  'em  some  time  to  get  him  back, 
an'  they  finally  roped  him.  None  o'  the  boys  seemed  anxious 
to  go  into  his  stall  an'  take  the  rope  off  unless  he  'd  let 
them  ride  him  a  while  to  get  the  ginger  out  of  him. 
Jabez  took  a  short  club  an'  went  in  an'  took  off  the  rope, 
an'  if  the  boys  had  n't  been  handy  he  'd  'a'  been  took  off 
himself.  As  it  was  the  hoss  had  smashed  his  leg  something 
fierce. 

"  Get  a  board,"  sez  I.  The  three  boys  left  in  a  body  to 
get  the  board.  I  lined  up  the  bones  as  well  as  I  could, 
'cause  the  leg  was  some  swelled.  Then  I  bandaged  it  purty 
tight,  next  took  an  old  boot-leg  an'  bandaged  that  in,  an' 
finally  split  a  joint  of  stovepipe  an'  packed  cotton  to  fit  the 
leg,  tyin'  the  whole  business  to  the  board  when  it  arrived, 
an'  proppin'  the  board  up  on  pillers  with  one  at  each  side 
of  the  foot.  Then  I  wet  the  bandage  on  his  head  an'  arm, 
puttin'  in  plenty  of  turpentine  on  the  arm  to  prevent  poi- 
sonin'.  The  turpentine  made  him  twist  an'  grunt,  but  when 
it  stopped  burnin'  his  face  cleared  up. 

"  My  leg 's  a  heap  easier,"  he  sez.  I  only  nodded.  I 
knew  he  had  a  lot  more  steam  on  his  mind.  Presently  he 


76  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

said,  "  But  we  might  as  well  settle  things  now  as  any  time. 
Who  are  you  workin'  for  ?  " 

"  I  settled  that  a  long  time  ago,"  sez  I.  "  I  'm  workin' 
for  myself." 

"  Then  what  the  deuce  do  you  mean  takin'  my  wages  ?  " 
sez  he. 

"  I  ain't  takin'  your  wages,  I  'm  takin'  my  own,"  sez  I ; 
"  but  if  I  was  you  I  'd  keep  calm.  You  '11  raise  your  fever." 

"  It 's  my  fever ! "  he  yells,  an'  even  the  three  punchers 
had  to  grin. 

"  Look  here,  Jabez,"  sez  I,  "  the'  ain't  any  sense  in  your 
gettin'  riled.  You  ain't  dangerous  when  you  rant  around, 
an'  I  know  it ;  but  you  're  most  uncommon  irritatin'.  We 
did  n't  run  any  risk  in  our  ride  to-day,  an'  it  proved  'at  my 
way  o'  feedin'  is  the  right  way.  You  don't  own  a  pair  o' 
hosses  'at  can  go  out  to-morrow  an'  keep  in  sight  o'  Star 
light  an'  the  pinto.  An'  my  way  o'  handlin'  Pluto  is  the 
right  way  too,  but  if  you  don't  like  my  way  o'  workin'  for 
myself  on  your  ranch  —  why,  the'  's  plenty  of  other  ranches. 
The'  ain't  no  use  o'  your  makin'  us  both  miserable,  quarrellin' 
like  a  pair  o'  children." 

"  That 's  what  I  say,"  sez  Barbie. 

"  You  wait  till  you  're  spoke  to,"  sez  Jabez ;  but  at  that 
moment  the  buckboard  came  in  with  old  Melisse,  an'  the 
very  first  thing  she  did  was  to  chase  the  three  punchers  out 
o'  the  house,  fix  up  a  mess  of  her  own  to  put  on  Jabez's 
head  an'  arm,  an'  then  she  picks  up  Barbie  in  her  arms 
an'  I  saw  the  little  chap's  lip  begin  to  quiver;  I  saw  Jabez 
wink  his  eyes  too  fast  for  comfort;  I  saw  the  tears  rollin* 
down  the  cheeks  of  old  Melisse,  an'  I  went  out  into  the 
starlight  to  look  up  toward  Mount  Savage  where  Monody 
was  sleepin'.  It 's  a  funny  thing,  life. 


MENTAL    TREATMENT  77 

After  a  while  I  went  back  inside  an'  they  were  purty 
cozy  again.  "  You  been  away  purt  nigh  a  year,"  sez  Jabez, 
"  where  you  been  ?  " 

Melisse  grinned ;  she  was  a  Mexican  an'  had  been  good 
lookin'  a  century  or  so  before.  She  was  the  silent  sort, 
but  she  could  do  a  heap  sight  keener  thinkin'  'an  lots  of 
'em  'at  kicks  up  more  dust  at  it. 

"  Part  o'  the  time  I  been  right  here  at  the  ranch,"  she 
sez,  "  but  when  the  snow  was  heavy  I  stayed  in  a  little  cave 
right  up  the  ravine  from  the  pony  corral.  You  don't  reckon 
'at  I'd  leave  this  child  just  on  your  account,  do  ya?" 

It  was  some  comical  to  see  Jabez's  face.  "  Lord,  no !  " 
sez  he.  "  I  'm  in  the  habit  o'  payin'  wages  to  people  'at 
work  for  themselves,  an'  I  don't  reckon  I  got  the  authority 
to  make  anybody  get  off  my  ranch.  If  you  've  been  foolin' 
around  here,  how  come  the  dogs  never  barked  at  ya?" 

"  Dogs  ain't  apt  to  forget  the  hand  that  feeds  'em.  After 
a  dog  has  thought  well  of  ya  for  a  while,  he  don't  turn  on 
ya  just  because  you  've  become  out  o'  favor  for  a  spell ;  the 
friendship  of  a  dog  works  both  ways  —  dogs  ain't  like  human 
beings,  Jabez  Judson." 

Melisse  had  a  low,  musical  voice ;  but  I  kind  o'  felt  my  hair 
raisin'  in  pity  for  the  man  on  the  so  fey.  It  seemed  like  she 
had  stuck  a  knife  into  him,  an'  was  twistin'  it  around  slow 
without  losin'  her  temper.  He  squirmed,  he  bit  his  lip,  his 
thumbs  kept  runnin'  over  the  inside  of  his  fingers.  It  was 
some  time  before  he  spoke,  an'  then  he  said,  "  How  much 
longer  you  goin'  to  keep  that  child  awake  ?  " 

"  She  's  been  asleep  in  my  arms  for  some  time,"  sez  Me 
lisse,  lookin'  down  at  Barbie's  face,  which  was  nestled  up 
close  to  hers.  "  I  reckon  I  '11  put  her  to  bed  now."  She 
got  up  an'  carried  Barbie  to  the  door  an'  then  she  turned  an' 


7?  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

sez  in  a  low  tone :  "  You  're  mighty  proud  o'  being  called 
Cast  Steel,  you  love  to  trample  over  people;  but  I  want  to 
tell  you  somethin'  to  remember ;  I  sha'n't  never  be  separated 
from  this  child  again  except  by  her  own  will.  Next  time 
I  can't  live  around  you  I  '11  take  her  with  me.  You  've  known 
me  a  long  time  "  —  an'  she  shut  the  door  without  slammin'  it. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  reckon  it 's  allus  some  one  else's  fault,"  I  sez, 
after  he  had  got  through  cussin'  about  his  luck. 

"  Am  I  a  hard  man  to  work  for  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  You  ain't,"  sez  I. 

"  When  am  I  ever  unjust?  "  sez  he. 

"  When  you  go  off  halfcock,"  sez  I. 

"  What  is  it  allus  about  ?  "  sez  he. 

I  thought  over  everything  before  I  answered.  "  Why,  it 's 
allus  about  the  child  Barbie." 

"  I  ain't  Cast  Steel  about  her ;  I  'm  spring  steel  where  she  's 
concerned,  an'  you  fellers  ought  to  know  the  way  spring  steel 
works  if  any  one  does." 

"  That 's  all  right,"  sez  I,  —  I  was  still  smartin'  a  little,  — 
"  but  the  deuce  of  the  thing  is  that  you  go  off  at  halfcock,  an* 
then  you  allus  expect  the  other  feller  to  pay  the  damage.  It 's 
goin'hard  with  you  some  day,  Jabez,  if  you  don't  watch  closer." 

"  Oh,  you  can't  understand  it.  If  you  only  knew  what  lyin' 
an'  disobedience  sometimes  does,  you  would  n't  talk  so  calm 
about  it,  neither.  The'  ain't  nothin'  I  would  n't  do  for  Barbara 
—  except  see  her  get  started  wrong.  You  're  different  from 
the  rest,  some  way,  an'  she  thinks  more  of  you  than  the  others. 
That 's  one  reason  why  I  give  you  a  wider  circle  to  range  in, 
an'  why  I  give  you  foreman's  pay  for  odd-job  work  —  " 

"  Now  if  you  think  'at  I  don't  earn  all  you  're  payin* 
me,"  sez  I  —  but  he  broke  in :  "  If  I  did  n't  think  I  would  n't 
pay  it,"  sez  he. 


MENTAL    TREATMENT  79 

"  I  can  go  down  to  the  Lion  Head  any  time  I  want  an'  get 
more  'n  you  're  payin'  me,"  sez  I. 

"  I  can  pay  you  as  much  as  any  man  in  the  West,"  sez  he. 

"  You  could  n't  hire  me  at  all  if  it  was  n't  for  Barbie," 
sez  I. 

"  An'  I  would  n't  hire  you  at  all  if  it  was  n't  for  her,"  he 
snaps.  "  You  can  do  the  right  thing  at  the  right  time 
better  'n  any  other  man  I  ever  had ;  but  you  're  the  contrari- 
est  man  to  work  with  on  the  job.  You  're  allus  fly  in'  up,  an' 
you  'd  talk  back  if  your  throat  was  cut." 

"  I  'm  free,"  sez  I,  "  an'  what 's  more,  I  know  it.  The' 
ain't  no  law  ever  been  framed  up  yet  'at  can  herd  me  in  with 
the  cows,  an'  I  don't  never  intend  to  act  like  a  cow.  I  'm 
man  to  man  wherever  I  am,  an'  a  lot  o'  you  fellers  with  big 
outfits  are  beginnin'  to  forget  that  proposition;  but  I  don't 
forget  it,  an'  —  " 

"  Well,  for  heaven's  sake,"  he  yells,  "  I  ain't  tryin'  to  put 
a  bit  in  your  mouth ;  though  I  must  confess  if  I  had  my  way 
about  it,  I  'd  like  to  put  a  quart  o'  bran  there  sometimes. 
What  I  'm  tryin'  to  do  is  to  come  to  an  understandin'  about 
the  child." 

"  Has  n't  she  gone  to  school  every  day  this  term  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  There  's  another  thing,"  sez  he.  "  When  I  told  you  to 
give  that  schoolmaster  a  rawhidin',  you  would  n't  do  it." 

"  Course  I  would  n't  do  it,"  sez  I.  "  He  may  have  been 
in  the  right  as  far  as  I  know,  an'  anyway,  she  gave  hin>  the 
worst  of  it." 

"  I  don't  want  her  to  give  'em  the  worst  of  it.  I  want  her 
to  act  like  a  gal  child.  Ridin'  her  pony  into  the  schooln-om 
an'  ropin'  the  master  ain't  no  way  for  a  gal  child  to  act.  Wnat 
I  want  is  for  the  teachers  to  play  fair.  It  ain't  reasonable  to 
suppose  'at  these  mountains  was  ever  under  water." 


8o  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  You  stood  for  it  when  the  astronomer  said  so,"  sez  I ; 
"  an'  the  Bible  sez  so,  an'  —  " 

"  Well,  that 's  all  right  when  it  comes  to  grown-ups ;  but 
the'  ain't  no  use  makin'  a  child  say  somethin'  it  don't  nowise 
believe.  The  truth  is  more  important  than  a  lot  of  water 
'at  dried  up  millions  of  years  ago  —  if  it  ever  was  here." 

"  Well,  the  truth  is  a  heap  o'  bother  to  Barbie's  teachers  at 
the  best,"  sez  I.  "  Look  at  her  spellin'  —  she  comes  upon  a 
cross-bred  word  in  a  book  an'  the  teacher  sez  it 's  pronounced 
one  way,  an'  you  another,  an'  me  another,  until  she  thinks 
we  're  all  liars ;  and  she  knows  it  the  next  day  when  she 
comes  across  another  word  spelled  almost  alike  an'  pro 
nounced  just  the  opposite.  How  you  goin'  to  teach  a  child 
to  spell  an'  be  honest  both  ?  " 

"  It 's  a  damned  outrage !  "  sez  Jabez,  his  eyes  flashin'. 
"  Take  '  thought '  an'  '  through,'  an'  '  though  '  —  why,  it 's 
enough  to  ruin  the  morals  of  the  best  child  the'  is.  Hang 
it,  I  —  " 

"  Well,  you  had  your  own  way  about  it,"  sez  I.  "  You  Ve 
had  three  different  teachers  here  this  term." 

"  WTho  built  the  school?  "  sez  Jabez.  "  Did  n't  I  build  it 
with  my  own  money,  just  so  I  'd  have  it  handy,  an'  did  n't  I 
offer  to  pay  the  teacher  if  they  'd  put  it  right  here  at  the 
ranch?" 

"  You  ain't  got  money  enough  to  bring  the  world  here  to 
her  feet,  Jabez,"  sez  I,  "  an'  it  would  n't  be  the  best  thing 
for  her  if  you  could." 

Well,  I  sat  there  the  whole  blessed  night,  cheerin'  him  up. 
Every  time  he  'd  get  to  thinkin'  about  his  arm  or  his  leg,  I  'd 
say  somethin'  to  rile  him  an'  take  his  mind  off  his  afflictions, 
an'  along  about  dawn  he  fell  asleep.  Spider  Kelley  had 
found  the  doctor  almost  in  our  neighborhood,  an'  he  arrived 


MENTAL    TREATMENT  81 

with  him  by  ten  in  the  mornin'.  He  paid  me  a  high  compli 
ment  on  the  leg,  an'  after  he  'd  rounded  up  a  few  splinters  it 
wasn't  no  trouble  at  all  to  set  it;  but  Jabez  was  in  for  a 
good  long  spell  of  it,  an'  the  Spring  round-up  in  sight.  You 
might  think  that  this  would  rile  him  up  too ;  but  he  took  it 
like  a  hero,  an'  I  kept  him  in  touch  with  everything. 

We  didn't  have  a  regular  foreman  at  the  Diamond  Dot. 
George  Hendricks  took  charge  around  the  house,  an'  Omaha 
was  a  sort  of  ridin'  over-see-er;  but  Jabez  himself  tended 
to  even  little  details  when  he  felt  like  it.  When  he  did  n't 
feel  that  way,  any  one  else  who  thought  of  it  did.  After  the 
round-up  Flap  Jack  decided  to  go  on  a  bender.  I  tried  to  talk 
him  out  of  it,  but  he  insisted,  an'  finally  I  sent  him  into  Jabez. 

Flappy  came  away  just  tearin'  mad.  "  He  's  the  hardest- 
hearted  old  tyrant  ever  breathed,"  sez  Flappy  to  me. 

"What  now?  "sez  I. 

"  Last  time  I  came  back  I  was  a  day  late,"  sez  Flappy. 
"  He  fair  frothed  at  the  mouth  at  it,  an'  made  me  promise 
to  give  him  a  month's  notice  next  time.  How  's  a  man  to 
know  a  month  ahead  when  he  's  goin'  to  be  in  the  notion  for 
a  bender.  I  'm  fair  ravin'  for  it  now ;  but  like  's  not  I  '11  be 
all  out  o'  the  notion  in  a  month." 

"  Then  you  '11  be  a  sight  o'  money  ahead,"  sez  I. 

"  Money  ?  What 's  money  for  ?  Can  you  buy  a  thirst  like 
mine  with  money  ?  Why,  I  could  take  this  thirst  o'  mine  to 
a  city  an'  get  independent  rich,  just  rentin'  it  out  by  the 
night.  I  've  watched  fellers  drinkin'  when  they  did  n't  crave 
it,  an'  it  hurt  'em  somethin'  dreadful.  If  you  don't  want  it, 
you  can't  enjoy  it  until  you  're  under  the  influence  of  it,  an' 
after  you  're  under  the  influence  of  it  half  the  fun  o'  drinkin' 
it  is  gone." 

Flappy  had  studied  this  question  more  'n  airy  other  man 

6 


82  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

I  ever  see,  an'  it  was  edicatin'  to  hear  him  lecture  on  it. 
"  The  's  only  one  way  to  get  around  ol'  Cast  Steel,"  sez  I, 
winkin' ;  so  he  got  Barbie  to  beg  for  him  when  she  went  in 
that  evenin',  an'  she  got  Jabez  to  let  him  go  next  day ;  but 
after  Jabez  'd  had  time  to  think  it  over,  he  sez  to  me,  "  Now 
see  what  I  've  done  —  I  've  let  that  child  wheedle  me  into 
changin'  my  mind  an'  lettin'  a  man  break  his  word." 

"  Well,  he  needed  it  mighty  bad,"  sez  I. 

"  An'  another  thing ;  it  ain't  no  fit  thing  for  a  gal  child 
to  be  beggin'  for  a  man  to  go  get  drunk,"  sez  Jabez.  "  Maybe 
not,"  sez  I,  "  but  he  sure  needed  it." 


CHAPTER   EIGHT 

THE   LETTER 

IT  all  came  about  through  me  bein'  edicated.  Most  any  one 
can  read  print  words,  if  they  're  of  a  reasonable  size,  —  the 
words  I  mean,  —  but  I  could  read  handwritin'  too.  I  never 
was  no  great  mathematician  when  you  got  above  fractions, 
an'  I  was  some  particular  in  what  I  read ;  but  if  I  'd  been 
minded  that  way,  I  reckon  I  could  have  waded  through  purty 
much  any  kind  of  a  book  ever  was  written.  At  that  time, 
however,  I  was  still  middlin'  young  in  some  things,  an'  I  sure 
was  suspicious  of  any  kind  of  book  'at  looked  like  a  school 
book. 

If  you  'd  have  school  books  did  up  in  paper  with  the  right 
kind  of  pictures  on  the  covers  you  could  easy  get  children  to 
peruse  'em.  Did  you  ever  notice  bear  cubs  gettin'  an  edica- 
tion  ?  They  ain't  beat  into  it,  they  has  to  be  helt  back.  Same 
with  the  Injun  kids ;  they  was  up  on  edge  to  learn  until  they 
got  to  schoolin'  'em,  then  they  fought  again  it  just  like  the 
white  kids.  The  reason  is  that  we  make  children  learn  things 
they  ain't  curious  about.  I  bet  if  you  was  to  try  an'  keep 
it  a  secret  about  George  Washington  bein'  made  President 
because  he  would  n't  lie  about  choppin'  down  that  cherry 
tree,  the  kids  would  stay  awake  nights  to  pry  into  it.  Kids 
is  only  human,  any  way  you  take  'em. 

But  this  business  was  sure  a  fetcher  to  me,  an'  Barbie,  she 
just  stumbled  on  it  too.  One  afternoon  me  an'  her  went  for 
a  little  ride  up  into  the  foothills,  an'  after  we  'd  built  our  fire, 
like  we  allus  did,  no  matter  how  hot  it  was,  she  lay  there 


84  HAPPYHAWKINS 

rollin'  cigarettes  for  me  to  smoke,  like  she  allus  did  —  the 
little  scamp  used  to  get  on  the  lee  side  o'  me  so  the  smoke 
would  blow  in  her  face ;  but  we  never  mentioned  it. 

Well,  after  a  while  she  begun  to  talk  of  romances,  an'  to 
ask  me  questions  about  'em.  I  told  her  as  many  as  I  could 
remember,  an'  the  one  what  suited  her  best  was  "  Claud,  the 
Boy  Hero  of  Gore  Gulch."  It  allus  used  to  fret  her  to  think 
'at  the'  was  n't  nothing  she  could  do  to  make  her  a  boy,  an' 
she  tried  to  even  up  by  plannin'  to  herself  what  she  'd  have 
done  if  so  be  she  had  been  a  boy.  We  talked  along  about  as 
usual;  but  I  see  the'  was  somethin'  on  her  mind.  She 
wasn't  the  one  to  flare  up  an'  shout  for  information.  She 
allus  talked  in  a  circle  like  an  Injun  when  she  really  needed 
news. 

After  a  while  she  fished  out  a  funny  old  letter.  It  was  n't 
put  into  an  envelope,  it  was  just  wrapped  inside  itself  an* 
stuck  fast  with  a  gob  o'  some  kind  o'  wax  which  had  been 
broke  before  it  was  opened.  The'  had  been  a  name  on  the 
outside,  but  it  had  been  rubbed  out.  Inside  at  the  beginning 
was  the  name  "  Rose  Cottage,  San  Francisco,"  and  a  date ; 
but  I  've  forgotten  the  date.  The  letter  began,  "  Dearest 
George."  I  read  that  much  an'  then  I  looked  at  Barbie. 
"  Where  'd  you  get  this  ?  "  sez  I. 

She  reddened  a  little,  an'  then  she  looked  me  straight  in 
the  face,  an  sez,  "  I  got  it  in  the  attic.  I  wanted  a  new  box 
to  put  my  cigarettes  in,  an'  one  day  Daddy  left  the  attic  door 
open  an'  I  went  in.  The'  was  just  a  dandy  chest  there  an' 
he  had  left  the  key  in  it.  I  opened  it  an'  this  letter  was  on 
top.  He  goes  to  the  attic  alone  every  now  an'  again,  — 
mostly  at  night,  —  an'  he  won't  never  let  me  go  with  him." 

"  I  suppose  that  was  the  reason  you  thought  he  wanted 
you  to  go  alone  to  the  attic,  too,"  sez  I. 


THELETTER  85 

She  flushed  again.  "  If  a  person  don't  trust  me  he  ain't 
got  no  call  to  be  surprised  when  I  don't  suit  him." 

I  shook  my  head.  Now  in  talkin'  to  her  you  forgot  she 
was  a  child,  'cause  she  did  n't  talk  broken  like  most  of  'em  do 
—  nor  she  did  n't  think  broken  neither ;  but  when  you  looked 
at  her,  little  and  slim  an'  purty  as  a  picture,  you  could  n't 
help  but  wonder  if  she  had  n't  got  her  soul  changed  off  with 
some  one  else,  like  what  they  say  the  Chinese  believe.  She 
had  the  same  rules  that  I  did  for  so  many  things  that  it 
floored  me  to  understand  how  she  got  'em  that  young,  me 
havin'  had  to  figger  'em  out  with  a  heap  o'  sweat. 

"  Was  the  letter  to  you  ?  "  I  sez,  gettin'  around  to  facts. 

"  No,  it  was  n't ;  but  I  read  it,  an'  I  wisht  I  knew  what  it 
means." 

"  I  ain't  a-goin'  to  read  it,"  sez  I. 

"  You  're  a  coward,"  sez  she. 

"  That 's  nothing,"  sez  I ;  "if  it  was  n't  for  the  cowards 
the'  would  be  a  heap  o'  vacant  land  in  this  country,"  sez  I. 

"  I  thought  you  was  my  friend,"  sez  she,  takin'  back  the 
letter  an'  holdin'  it  open  in  her  hand.  "If  Spider  Kelley 
could  read  he  would  read  it  for  me." 

"  So  would  Hawkins,  your  pinto,"  sez  I,  grinnin'.  "  What 
you  ought  to  do  is  to  tell  your  Dad  that  you  have  the  letter. 
If  you  don't  tell  him,  I  reckon  I  '11  have  to." 

At  first  she  was  mad  as  hops,  an'  then  she  looked  into  my 
eyes  an'  laughed.  "  I  '11  dare  you  to,"  sez  she.  The'  was 
some  woman  in  her  even  then. 

The'  was  n't  no  way  to  bluff  her,  so  I  said  serious,  "  Well, 
what  do  you  intend  to  do  about  it  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  she.  "  Dad  has  lost  so  many  other 
things  beside  his  temper,  stumpin'  around  with  that  cane,  that 
he  thinks  he  has  lost  the  key  to  the  chest.  He  goes  around 


86  HAPPYHAWKINS 

grumblin'  an'  lookin'  for  it ;  but  he  don't  ask  if  any  one  has 
found  it.  Why  do  you  suppose  that  is  ?  " 

"  It  ain't  any  of  my  supposin',"  sez  I.  "  What  are  you 
goin'  to  do  about  it?  " 

"  As  soon  as  I  get  through  with  this  letter  —  an'  make  up 
my  mind  not  to  hunt  through  the  chest  —  I  'm  goin'  to  slip 
the  key  into  his  pocket  —  an'  then  watch  his  face  when  he 
finds  it." 

"  You  ought  n't  to  treat  your  own  father  so,  Barbara," 
sez  I. 

She  laughed.  "  Barbara !  that 's  a  good  soundin'  name  on 
your  tongue,  Happy,"  sez  she.  Then  she  sobered.  "  I  don't 
care  nothing  for  what  you  say  or  what  he  says ;  the'  's  things 
I  'm  goin'  to  find  out,  an'  I  have  a  right  to.  I  never  told  him 
why  it  was  that  I  whopped  those  two  girls  over  at  school 
last  winter,  an'  I  never  told  even  you.  I  whopped  'em  'cause 
they  said  I  never  had  a  mother.  Everything  has  to  have  a 
mother,  even  a  snake,  an'  I  had  one  too.  Why  don't  he  tell 
me  about  her?  Why  does  he  allus  turn  me  off  when  I  ask 
about  her?  I  don't  intend  to  just  let  him  tell  me  that  she  was 
the  most  beautiful  woman  in  the  world  an'  too  good  to  stay 
here,  an'  such  things.  I  am  going  to  find  out  who  she  was, 
an'  if  you  was  n't  a  coward  you  'd  help  me.  Now." 

It  was  true  what  she  said,  an'  I  might  have  known  she  was 
studyin'  about  it.  I  might,  if  I  'd  had  the  sense  of  a  hoss, 
have  known  that  this  was  what  made  her  old-like  —  studyin' 
about  things  she  never  ought  to  have  been  forced  to  study 
about. 

"  Does  that  letter  tell  about  her,  Barbie?  "  I  asked. 

"  That 's  what  I  want  to  know ;  but  you  ain't  got  the  sand 
to  read  it,  an'  I  can't  make  it  out.  Here,  read  it." 

I  took  it  an'  read  it.    The  writin'  was  fine  an'  like  what 


THE      LETTER  87 

was  in  Barbie's  writin'  book  along  the  top.  It  sounded  like 
as  if  a  young  girl  had  written  it  partly  against  her  will,  al 
though  it  was  purty  lovesome  too.  It  told  about  how  lonely 
she  was,  an'  that  she  had  n't  never  been  able  to  tell  whether  it 
was  Jack  or  him  she  was  most  in  love  with  until  Jack  had 
asked  her,  an'  then  after  Jack  had  deceived  her  an'  he  had 
been  so  kind,  she  found  out  'at  he  was  the  one  she  had  loved 
the  most  all  the  time.  She  reminded  him  'at  she  had  written 
to  him  before  acceptin'  Jack,  an'  that  now  if  he  was  still  sure 
he  wanted  her,  she  would  accept  him ;  but  she  could  never 
live  near  the  Creole  Belle.  She  closed  with  love,  an'  signed 
herself  Barbara. 

I  kept  on  lookin'  at  the  page  a  long  time  after  I  had  read 
it.  I  remembered  what  Monody  had  said  when  I  thought  he 
was  out  of  his  head  —  about  George  Jordan  an'  Jack  Whit 
man,  an'  the  Creole  Belle.  I  knew  'at  Barbie  was  studyin' 
my  face,  an'  I  pertended  to  spell  out  the  words  a  letter  at  a 
time  until  I  could  get  full  control  o'  myself. 

"  What  kind  of  a  bell  is  a  Creole  Bell  ?  "  sez  I.  "  She  ain't 
got  it  spelled  right  neither." 

"  A  Creole  Belle  is  a  beautiful  woman  of  French  an'  Span 
ish  blood  who  lives  in  New  Orleans,"  sez  Barbie.  "  What 
do  you  make  out  about  it  ?  " 

I  was  thinkin'  fast  as  I  could,  but  I  still  pertended  to  read 
the  letter.  So  Jabez  had  been  in  a  scrape  with  some  cross 
breed  woman,  an'  he  an'  this  Jack  Whitman  had  loved  the 
same  girl,  an'  the'  was  a  bad  mix-up  somewhere. 

"  Little  girl,"  I  sez,  "  the'  's  a  lot  o'  wickedness  in  this 
world  you  don't  know  about  —  " 

"  An'  the'  a  lot  o'  wickedness  I  do  know  about  'at  I  ain't 
supposed  to,"  she  snaps  in.  "  Do  you  reckon  I  could  knock 
around  this  ranch  the  wav  I  have  an'  not  know  nothin'  ex- 


88  HAPPYHAWKINS 

cept  about  flowers  an'  moonlight  ?  You  cut  out  the  little  girl 
part  an'  play  square." 

"  Well,  you  look  here,"  I  sez.  "  I  don't  know  what  you  do 
know  an'  I  don't  know  what  you  don't  know;  but  I  do 
know  'at  lots  of  the  things  you  think  you  know  ain't  so,  if 
you  picked  it  up  from  the  fool  stories  some  o'  these  damn 
cow  punchers  tell;  an'  you  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  listen 
to  'em." 

"  Oh,  yes,  of  course !  "  she  fires  up.  "  I  am  the  one  what 
ought  to  be  ashamed  of  the  stories  the  cow  punchers  tell! 
That 's  the  way  from  one  end  to  the  other ;  somebody  else 
says  somethin'  an'  I  ought  to  be  ashamed  'cause  I  ain't  too 
deaf  to  hear  it.  Now  the'  's  a  lot  of  questions  I  'm  goin'  to 
ask  you  as  soon  as  I  get  time.  I  want  to  know  why  —  " 

"  No,  you  don't!  "  I  yells,  jumpin'  to  my  feet  an'  blushin' 
clear  to  my  ears.  "  I  ain't  neither  one  o'  your  parents  an' 
I  ain't  your  teacher.  If  you  want  to  know  things  you  ask 
Melisse.  If  you  don't  put  a  curb  on  yourself  I  'm  goin'  to 
flop  myself  on  Starlight  an'  streak  for  the  Lion  Head  this 
very  minute,  an'  I  won't  stop  before  reachin'  the  Pan 
Handle." 

She  knew  enough  to  stop  bettin'  up  a  pair  o'  tens  when  she 
see  the  other  feller  was  n't  to  be  bluffed ;  so  she  sez,  "  Well, 
I  'm  goin'  to  find  it  out  some  way  or  other  —  I  'm  going  to 
find  out  everything  I  want  to  know  before  I  'm  done.  I  love 
my  Daddy,  but  he  don't  always  play  fair ;  an'  I  'm  goin'  to 
find  out  what  I  want  to  find  out  —  whether  he  wants  me  to 
or  not." 

I  was  in  a  sweat.  "  Barbie,"  I  sez  at  last,  "  supposin'  he 
is  p'layin'  fair?  Supposin'  he  has  sacrificed  his  own  happi 
ness  to  keep  sorrow  out  of  your  life,  an'  supposin'  you  nose 
around  an'  discover  it  —  who  'd  be  the  one  'at  played  un- 


THE      LETTER  &9 

fair  then?  You're  powerful  young  yet;  you're  a  heap 
younger  'n  you  realize,  an'  you  can't  know  it  all  in  a  day. 
He  '11  tell  you  when  he  can,  an'  you  ought  to  trust  him.  He 
loves  you  more'n  anything  else  in  this  wide  world.  You 
ought  to  trust  him,  Barbie." 

She  trembled  tryin'  to  steady  herself,  an'  I  looked  off  into 
the  valley  for  a  moment.  "  I  know  he  loves  me,  an'  I 
would  n't  hurt  him  for  the  world ;  but  I  think  I  'm  old  enough 
to  know,  an'  I  'm  goin'  to  ask  him.  If  he  won't  tell  me  now 
he  has  to  set  a  date  to  tell  me.  I  ain't  goin'  to  have  no  dirty- 
faced  school  kids  askin'  me  questions  I  can't  answer." 

"  I  reckon  all  you  want  to  know  is  in  that  chest  in  the 
garret,"  sez  I ;  "  an'  I  reckon  it 's  kept  for  you  to  read  after 
—  well,  some  day;  but  if  I  was  you,  I  'd  put  back  the  letter 
an'  I  'd  not  think  about  it  any  more  'n  I  could  help.  Sup- 
posin'  your  Dad  had  had  to  kill  a  man  to  save  your  mother, 
an'  did  n't  want  you  to  know  'at  he  had  ever  killed  a  man  —  " 

"  Humph !  "  she  snaps  in.  "  Did  n't  Claud  kill  fourteen 
men  in  Gore  Gulch,  an'  didn't  I  think  it  was  fine?  If  he's 
killed  a  man  I  'd  be  proud  of  it." 

"  It 's  different  in  real  life,"  sez  I.  "  I  like  to  read  about 
Claud  myself,  but  I  would  n't  want  to  slaughter  men  in  the 
quantities  he  does." 

"  You  killed  a  man  oncet  yourself,"  sez  she. 

"  When  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  You  killed  at  least  one  o'  the  Brophy  gang  with  the  butt 
of  your  gun,"  sez  she. 

"  It  could  n't  be  proved,"  sez  I. 

"  It  could  n't  be  denied,"  sez  she.  "  If  that 's  all  you  think 
it  is  I  'm  goin'  to  ask  him." 

"  Supposin'  your  mother  had  made  him  promise  not  to 
tell  you  until  you  came  of  age,  —  you  know  what  store  he 


QO  HAPPYHAWKINS 

sets  on  keepin'  his  word,  —  would  you  be  glad  to  know  'at 
you  had  made  him  break  it  ?  This  Barbara  might  have  been 
his  sister,  an'  some  one  else  might  have  been  your  mother." 

"  Oh,  I  see  it  now  —  my  mother  was  the  Creole  Belle,  the 
beautiful  lady.  He  allus  said  she  was  beautiful,  the  most 
beautiful  woman  in  the  world  —  "  She  sat  there  with  her 
eyes  flashin',  but  I  did  n't  want  to  let  her  make  up  things  'at 
was  n't  so  an'  then  be  disappointed.  "  Who  do  you  suppose 
George  was,  an'  Jack  ?  "  sez  I  quiet. 

She  drew  her  brows  together  an'  sat  diggin'  her  spur  into 
the  dirt.  "  That 's  so,  too,"  she  said,  thinkin'  aloud.  "  But 
Barbara  certainly  did  have  something  to  do  with  me,  an'  I 
wisht  I  knew !  Oh,  I  wish  I  could  grow  as  big  as  I  feel  —  I 
hate  this  bein'  a  child.  I  hate  it !  " 

"  Will  you  put  the  letter  back  an'  try  to  forget  it  ?  "  I  said 
at  last. 

"  I  '11  put  it  back  at  once,  I  '11  give  him  the  key  at  once ; 
that  is,  I  '11  slip  it  into  his  pocket,  an'  I  won't  pester  him 
about  it  —  now;  but  you  got  to  promise  to  tell  me  if  you 
ever  find  it  out.  Will  ya  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I.  "  If  I  ever  find  it  all  out  I  '11  tell  you,  hon 
est  across  my  heart." 

"  An'  you  won't  say  nothin'  about  this  letter  to  Daddy, 
until  I  let  you  ?  "  she  said,  fixin'  her  eyes  on  me. 

"  No,  I  won't  say  a  word  about  that  until  you  tell  me  to," 
sez  I. 

"  Now,  then,  let 's  play  tag  goin'  back  to  the  house,"  she 
said,  with  her  lip  stiff  again.  Oh,  she  had  a  heart  in  her, 
that  child  had. 

"  You  know  the  pinto  has  Starlight  beat  on  turns  an* 
twists,"  sez  I. 

"  Yes,"  she  sez,  "  an'  on  a  two-hundred  mile  race,  too/' 


THE    LETTER  91 

She  played  away  through  the  summer  an'  never  spoke  a 
word  on  the  subject  again ;  but  she  hid  it  most  too  careful, 
and  Jabez  saw  the'  was  somethin'  on  her  mind.  "  Have  you 
any  idea  what  the  child  's  thinkin'  about  ?  "  he  asked  me  one 
day  when  we  was  figurin'  some  on  the  beef  round-up. 

I  did  n't  answer  straight  off,  an'  he  noticed  it.  "  What  is 
she  studyin'  about  ?  "  sez  he,  mighty  shrewd. 

"  How  can  a  body  tell  what  that  child  is  studyin'  about  ?  " 
sez  I. 

"  You  're  with  her  most  of  the  time  —  fact  is,  about  all  you 
do  is  to  play  with  her  these  days." 

"  Any  time  my  work  here  don't  suit  you,"  I  began ;  but  he 
snaps  in,  "  It  ain't  a  question  o'  work.  If  you  amuse  her 
you  're  worth  more  to  me  'n  any  other  ten  men ;  but  I  have 
some  rights.  I  want  to  know  what  you  think." 

"  Have  you  asked  her  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  I  'm  askin'  you,"  sez  he. 

"  Well,  I  want  you  to  understand  'at  I  ain't  no  spy,"  sez  I, 
glad  of  a  way  out.  "  I  don't  know  all  'at 's  on  her  mind,  an' 
I  don't  propose  to  guess ;  and  if  I  did  know,  I  would  n't  tell 
unless  she  told  me  to.  If  you  know  any  way  to  make 
me  tell,  why  go  ahead  and  I  '11  stand  by  and  watch  the 
proceedin's." 

Well,  he  ranted  up  an'  down  a  while,  an'  finally  he  pulls 
himself  down  an'  sez,  "  Now  look  here,  Happy,  the'  's  a  dif 
ference  between  a  parent  an'  anybody  else." 

"  I  own  too  to  that,"  sez  I ;  "  but  what  have  I  got  to  do  with 
it?" 

"  Well,  you  can  sort  of  hint  around  until  you  find  out 
what 's  on  her  mind,  an'  if  it  ain't  somethin'  fit,  you  can  tell 
her  so;  because  if  it  comes  to  a  show  down,  she  thinks  I 
ought  to  tell  her  anything  she  wants  to  know." 


92  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

"Well,  hadn't  you?"  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  sometime,  I  suppose  —  but  hang  it,  it 's  mighty  hard 
to  answer  some  of  her  questions,  or  to  give  reasons  why 
I  can't  answer  'em." 

"  Have  you  asked  her  what 's  on  her  mind  this  time  ?  " 
sez  I. 

He  fidgeted  around  a  while,  an'  then  he  sez,  "  Yes,  I  asked 
her." 

"What  did  she  say?"  sez  I. 

"  She  looked  me  plumb  in  the  eyes,  an'  said,  '  Do  you  want 
me  to  ask  you  what  I  want  to  find  out  ?  ' ! 

"What  did  you  say?  "sez  I. 

"  Why,  I  said,  '  Yes,  Barbara,  if  it  is  something  you  ought 
to  know.'  " 

"  Well  ?  "  I  sez,  after  waitin'  a  bit. 

"  Why,  she  flared  up,"  sez  Jabez,  "  an'  went  on  sarcastic 
about  it  bein'  strange  to  her  why  girls  was  so  much  different 
from  other  folks,  an'  there  bein'  so  many  things  'at  they 
was  n't  fit  to  know ;  an'  finally  she  said  to  me  point  blank, 
'  Do  you  want  me  to  ask  you  what  I  want  to  know,  an'  if  I 
do  ask  you  will  you  answer? ' ; 

"  What  did  you  say  ?  "  I  sez. 

"  I  did  n't  know  what  to  say,"  sez  Jabez.  "  She  looked 
different  from  any  way  she  had  ever  looked  before,  and 
after  a  minute  I  sez,  '  No,  Barbara,  I  don't  think  you  had 
better  ask  me,  an'  I  don't  think  you  had  better  think  of  it 
any  more.'  Don't  you  think  I  did  right  ?  " 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  you  did  not.  You  simply  side-stepped ; 
you  wilted  under  fire,  an'  she  hates  a  coward  as  much  as  you 
do.  Why  did  n't  you  face  it  right  then  ?  " 

"  Happy,"  he  sez,  an'  his  voice  wrung  my  heart,  "  the'  's 
things  she  '11  have  to  know  sometime,  but  she  ain't  old 


THELETTER  93 

enough  to  know  'em  yet."  He  stopped,  an'  his  face  grew 
hard  as  stone  when  he  went  on.  "  But  the'  's  some  things 
that  she  never  can  know,  an'  I  don't  want  her  to  even  learn 
that  there  are  such  things.  That 's  why  you  have  to  find 
out  what 's  on  her  mind." 

"  Now  you  know,  Jabez,  that  I  have  my  own  ideas  on  what 
I  have  to  do ;  but  you  tell  me  what  kind  o'  things  there  are 
that  she  must  n't  ever  learn,  an'  maybe  I  '11  see  your  way 
of  it." 

Jabez  looked  down  at  the  ground,  an'  the  sweat  broke  out 
on  his  forehead  before  he  answered  me.  When  he  did  the' 
was  n't  a  trace  of  friendliness  in  his  tone.  "  You  have  done 
a  heap  for  me,  Happy,  and  if  there  's  anything  in  the  money 
line  that  you  think  I  owe  you,  why,  name  it  an'  it 's  yours ; 
but  you  can  see  for  yourself  that  we  can't  go  on  this  way. 
I  haven't  asked  you  to  do  anything  unreasonable  and  you 
have  refused  point  blank.  I  don't  intend  to  explain  myself 
to  one  of  my  own  men,  and  I  don't  intend  to  have  an  argu 
ment  with  him  every  time  I  want  anything  done  my  way. 
This  is  my  ranch  and  as  long  's  my  own  way  suits  me,  that 's 
the  only  man  it  has  to  suit." 

"  Yes,  you  own  this  ranch,"  sez  I ;  "  but  you  don't  own 
the  earth,  so  I  '11  move  on." 

"  I  have  n't  fired  you,"  sez  Jabez.  "  You  're  welcome  to 
work  here  as  long  as  you  want  to ;  but  you  '11  have  to  be  like 
the  other  men  from  this  on.  You  've  been  like  one  of  the 
family  so  long  'at  we  don't  pull  together  any  more,  and  so 
if  you  stay  I  '11  have  to  send  you  out  with  the  riding  gangs." 

I  looked  into  his  face  and  laughed,  though  even  then  I 
was  sorry  for  him.  He  led  a  lonely  life,  an'  I  knew  'at  he  'd 
miss  me;  but  we  was  both  as  we  was,  so  I  rolled  up  my 
stuff,  loaded  up  Starlight,  an'  said  good-bye  to  little  Barbie. 


94  HAPPYHAWKINS 

That  was  the  hard  part  of  it.  She  did  n't  cry  when  I  told 
her  I  was  goin'  —  that  would  'a'  been  too  girlish-like  for  her ; 
she  just  breathed  hard  an'  jerky  for  a  couple  o'  minutes 
while  we  looked  in  opposite  directions,  an'  then  she  said, 
"  How  '11  you  come  back  next  time,  Happy  ?  It 's  over  three 
years  ago  since  you  left  that  other  time,  an'  you  came  back 
just  as  you  said,  ridin'  on  a  black  hoss  with  silver  trimmed 
leather.  How  '11  you  come  back  next  time  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,  Barbie,"  I  said,  "  but  I  '11  sure  come  back, 
true  to  you." 

"  Yes,"  she  said,  "  an'  I  '11  sure  be  true  to  you,  all  the 
time  you  're  away  and  when  you  come  back." 

"  Barbie,"  I  said,  "  you  have  n't  treated  your  father  right. 
You  've  let  him  see  that  you  're  worryin'  about  something 
an'  it  bothers  him." 

"  I  ain't  made  out  o'  wood,"  she  snaps  out  fierce.  "  I  try 
to  be  contented,  but  I  get  tired  o'  bein'  a  girl.  I  've  half  a 
mind  to  go  with  you,  Happy." 

"  Yes,  but  the  other  half  of  your  mind  is  the  best  half, 
Barbie,"  I  said.  "  Now  I  'm  goin'  to  tell  you  a  secret ;  your 
daddy  is  twice  as  lonesome  as  you  are,  and  he  's  been  through 
a  heap  of  trouble  sometime.  You  miss  the  mother  that  you 
never  did  see,  but  he  misses  the  mother  that  he  knew  and 
loved ;  and  I  want  you  to  promise  to  do  all  you  can  to  cheer 
him  up  and  make  him  happy." 

"  I  never  thought  o'  that  before,"  said  she,  "  I  '11  do  the 
best  I  can  —  but  you  '11  come  back  to  me  sometime,  won't 
you,  Happy  ?  " 

"  I  sure  will,"  I  said,  an'  we  shook  hands  on  it.  Then 
I  decided  that  I  'd  leave  Starlight  with  her.  He  was  n't 
as  good  for  knockin'  around  as  a  range  pony,  and  I  did  n't 
know  what  I  'd  be  doin',  so  I  took  my  stuff  off  him,  picked 


THELETTER  95 

out  a  tough  little  mustang  from  the  home  herd,  shook  hands 
with  her  again,  an'  started.  I  glanced  up  toward  old  Savage, 
and  she  read  my  thoughts.  "  I  '11  take  flowers  to  him  now 
and  again,"  sez  she,  "  and  I  '11  go  up  there  and  talk  to  him 
about  you ;  and  Happy,  Happy,  we  '11  both  be  lonesome 
until  you  come  back !  "  And  so  I  kissed  her  on  the  lips,  and 
rode  away  the  second  time. 


CHAPTER    NINE 

ADRIFT   AGAIN 

WELL,  I  rode  purty  tol'able  slow.  Some  way  I  didn't 
want  to  go  back  to  the  Lion  Head  Ranch.  I  knew  'at  Jim 
would  be  glad  to  see  me,  but  I  knew  I  'd  be  lonesomer 
there  than  among  total  strangers ;  so  I  just  floated,  punchin' 
cows  most  o'  the  time,  but  not  runnin'  very  long  over  the 
same  range. 

It  was  just  about  this  period  that  I  begun  to  lose  my 
serious  view  o'  life  and  get  more  man-like.  The  usual 
idea  is  that  a  boy  is  a  careless,  happy,  easy-goin'  sort  of  a 
creature,  and  a  man  is  a  steady,  serious  minded,  thoughtful 
kind  of  an  outfit;  but  just  the  reverse.  A  boy  starts  out 
believin'  most  o'  what 's  told  him  an'  thinkin'  that  it 's  his 
duty  to  reform  the  world;  an'  about  the  only  thing  he 
is  careless  of  is  human  life  —  his  own  or  any  one  else's. 
Fact  o'  the  matter  is  that  if  you  watch  him  close  enough 
you  '11  find  out  that  even  in  his  games  a  boy  is  about  the 
solemnest  thing  on  earth,  an'  you  have  to  know  the  game 
purty  thorough  to  tell  when  it  drifts  into  a  real  fight.  That 's 
why  all  wars  have  been  fought  by  boys.  They  believe  in  any 
cause  'at  looks  big  enough  to  lay  down  their  lives  for,  an' 
that 's  their  chief  ambition.  A  man,  though,  gets  to  see 
after  a  time  that  the'  's  most  generally  somebody  up  be 
hind  who  's  working  the  wires,  an'  he  gets  so  'at  he  don't 
want  to  lay  down  anybody's  life,  except  as  a  last  resort. 
He  looks  favorable  upon  amusement,  an'  after  a  while  he 
kind  o'  sort  o'  gets  hardened  to  the  fact  that  the  whole 


ADRIFTAGAIN  97 

thing  's  a  joke  and  he  'd  rather  laugh  than  shoot.  Why, 
I  'd  be  more  afraid  of  a  boy  with  a  popgun  than  I  'd  be  of 
a  man  with  a  standin'  army. 

So  as  I  said,  it  was  just  about  this  time  in  my  life  that 
I  begun  to  hunt  up  pleasant  places  to  eat  and  sleep ;  an' 
if  I  heard  of  trouble  in  the  next  county  I  turned  out  an' 
went  around.  I  did  a  little  of  everything;  even  lugged  a 
chain  in  a  surveyor  outfit,  but  the'  was  n't  enough  chance 
in  that.  I  got  to  have  a  trace  of  gamblin'  in  anything  I 
do ;  so  the  first  thing  I  knew  I  was  down  in  Nevada  lookin' 
for  the  treasure  'at  Bill  Brophy  had  buried  there.  The 
last  of  his  gang  had  tried  to  describe  the  place,  but  his 
description  would  have  done  for  'most  any  place  in  Nevada 
—  she  not  bein'  what  you  might  call  free-handed  in  the 
way  of  variety. 

Well,  I  ranged  around  in  the  mountains  between  Nevada 
and  California,  lookin'  for  a  flat-shaped  rock  with  a  moun 
tain-peak  on  each  side  of  it,  an'  a  cold  wind  sweepin'  up  the 
canon  —  I  don't  know  just  how  the  cold  wind  got  included, 
but  the  dyin'  outlaw  dwelt  upon  that  cold  wind  something 
particular.  I  stayed  out  purty  late  in  the  season,  an'  if 
cold  winds  was  identifying  Brophy  had  his  treasure  buried 
purty  unpartially  all  over  the  West. 

I  reckon  I  'd  have  died  if  I  had  n't  fallen  in  with  Slocum. 
Slocum  was  a  queer  lookin'  speciment  when  you  first  came 
upon  him.  His  skin  did  n't  fit  him  very  well,  bein'  a  trifle 
too  big,  an'  wrinkled  an'  baggy  in  consequence;  his  eyes 
was  kind  of  a  washy  blue,  an'  they  stuck  out  from  his  face, 
givin'  him  the  most  sorrowful  expression  I  ever  see.  You 
just  could  n't  be  suspicious  of  a  man  with  such  eyes  as 
that;  he  seemed  to  have  throwed  himself  wide  open  an' 
invited  the  whole  world  to  come  an'  look  inside.  Why, 

7 


98  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

a  perfect  stranger  would  have  trusted  Slocum  with  his 
last  plug  of  tobacoo,  and  like  as  not  he  'd  have  gotten  part 
of  it  back.  Well,  as  I  said,  I  was  headin'  for  warmer 
weather,  but  I  got  overtook  an'  had  about  given  up  all 
hope  when  I  noticed  the  smell  of  smoke  in  the  air.  I  was 
walkin'  on  foot  an'  pullin'  a  burro  with  a  pack  behind 
me,  an'  after  a  time  I  located  that  smoke  comin'  right  up 
through  the  snow. 

I  yelled  and  shouted  around  for  a  while  without  gettin' 
any  response.  Night  and  the  snow  was  both  fallin'  fast, 
an'  that  smoke  was  exceeding  temptin'.  Finally  I  took  a 
piece  of  burlap  off  the  pack,  put  it  over  the  hole  where  the 
smoke  was  comin'  up  through,  an'  piled  snow  on  top  of  it. 
I  was  curious  to  see  what  would  happen.  I  waited  —  per 
haps  it  was  only  five  minutes,  but  it  seemed  that  many  hours 
—  an'  then  a  low,  calm  voice,  down  somewhere  beneath 
me,  sez,  "  Get  off  that  chimney ! " 

"  I  will,"  sez  I,  "  when  you  tell  me  how  to  get  to  the  fire." 

I  waited  again,  an'  then  a  man  with  a  lantern  emerged 
into  the  cut  about  forty  feet  below  me,  an'  told  me  how 
I  could  wind  around  and  come  down  to  him.  Well,  me 
an'  the  burro  finally  worked  it  out,  an'  there  was  a  man 
with  long  whiskers  standin'  in  his  shirt-sleeves  in  front  of 
a  hole  in  the  snow. 

"  You  like  to  'a'  smothered  me,"  he  grumbled.  "  Don't 
you  know  better  'n  to  stop  up  a  chimney  that 's  workin'  ?  " 

"  I  wanted  the  chimney  to  work  double,"  sez  I,  "  an* 
that  was  the  only  way  I  could  think  up  to  attract  your 
attention." 

"  Do  you  live  around  here  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Not  very  much,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  'm  minded  to  try  it  a 
jvhile,  if  there  's  room  in  your  burrow  for  two." 


ADRIFTAGAIN  .        99 

"  Got  any  tobacco  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Plenty,"  sez  I. 

"  You  're  welcome,"  sez  he. 

We  took  the  burro  over  to  a  clump  of  pine  woods  an* 
turned  him  loose,  an'  then  I  crawled  in  through  the  tunnel 
to  Slocum's  fire.  It  was  in  a  cave  which  had  a  natural 
chimney  runnin'  up  the  hill,  an'  it  looked  considerable  much 
like  Paradise  to  me.  We  ate  an'  smoked  together  for  a  week, 
an'  then  one  day  our  fire  went  out  an'  a  flood  of  water 
poured  down  through  the  chimney.  We  worked  like 
beavers  for  a  while,  gettin'  our  stuff  outdoors,  an'  it  was 
as  hot  as  summer  outside. 

"  That 's  the  only  drawback  to  this  cave,"  said  Slocum. 
"  It  will  be  all  to  the  good  when  the  winter  settles  in  earnest, 
but  it  will  be  some  bother  while  it 's  still  snowin'  an'  thawin'." 

I  told  him  that  I  agreed  with  him  to  such  an  extent 
that  if  I  could  locate  the  burro  I  'd  rather  risk  gettin'  back 
to  humanity  than  to  dyin'  there  of  rheumatiz.  I  was 
wringin'  wet  through. 

"  Nobody  can't  die  of  rheumatiz  around  me,"  sez  Slocum, 
an'  he  went  to  one  of  his  packs  an'  got  out  a  piece  of  root. 
"  Chew  this,"  sez  he,  "  an'  it  will  drive  the  rheumatiz  out  of 
your  system." 

Anybody  would  have  trusted  those  eyes,  so  I  chewed  the 
root  for  about  a  minute,  an'  then  I  chewed  snow  an'  mud 
an'  tobacco  an'  red  pepper  for  an  hour,  tryin'  to  get  rid  of 
the  taste.  Drive  the  rheumatiz  out  of  your  system?  Why, 
the  blame  stuff  would  drive  out  your  system  too  if  you 
chewed  it  long  enough.  It  was  the  tarnationest  stuff  'at 
ever  a  human  man  met  up  with. 

"  It 's  most  too  strong  to  take  pure,"  sez  Slocum,  "  but  if 
you  grind  it  an'  put  a  small  pinch  in  a  quart  of  alcohol  it 


ioo  H  A  P  P  Y    H  A  W  K  I  N  S 

makes  a  fine  remedy.  Don't  throw  the  rest  o'  that  root 
away.  There  is  enough  there  to  do  you  a  lifetime." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  there  is,  an'  more." 

A  feller  once  told  me  that  man  was  a  slave  to  his  en- 
virament  —  envirament  is  anything  around  you,  scenery, 
books,  evil  companions,  an'  sech;  well,  a  burro  ain't  no 
slave  to  his  envirament  'cause  he  generally  eats  it.  My 
burro  was  fat,  an'  the  clump  of  pine  trees  had  mostly  dis 
appeared.  I  loaded  up  my  stuff,  shook  hands  with  Slocum, 
and  started  down  the  mountain.  Just  as  I  got  fully  started 
Slocum  sez  to  me,  "  I  'm  sure  sorry  to  see  you  go.  I  don't 
generally  get  much  friendly  with  folks  any  more,  but  I  took 
to  you  from  the  first,  an'  any  time  I  can  do  you  a  favor,  all 
you  got  to  do  is  to  wink." 

"What's  your  general  plan  of  occupation,  Slocum?" 
sez  I. 

"All  that  I  ever  expect  to  do  for  the  remainder  of  my 
days,"  sez  he,  "  is  to  search  for  my  Rheumatiz  Remedy." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  any  time  you  get  to  do  me  a  favor  in 
that  line,  it  '11  be  when  I  'm  too  weak  to  wink."  So  we 
parted  the  best  o'  friends,  an'  I  went  on  to  a  lumber  camp, 
where  I  put  in  the  winter  bossin'  a  gang.  I  did  n't  know 
much  about  lumber,  but  the  men  there  was  just  the  same 
as  anywhere  else,  an'  we  got  along  fine. 

I  was  bossin'  a  little  ranch  up  in  Idaho  next  June  when 
I  heard  tell  of  a  big  strike  in  the  Esmeralda  range  —  not 
such  a  great  distance  from  where  I  had  spent  the  week  with 
Slocum.  The  report  had  it  that  a  feller  named  Slocum  had 
located  the  big  ace  of  gold  mines,  an'  I  was  some  et  up 
with  curiosity  to  see  if  it  was  the  same  Slocum ;  but  I  was 
needed  at  the  ranch  that  winter,  an'  as  I  took  a  likin'  for 
the  young  feller  who  was  tryin'  to  make  it  go,  I  stuck  to 


ADRIFTAGAIN  101 

him,  an'  it  was  n't  until  the  followin'  July  that  I  pulled  out 
an'  floated  down  that  way. 

Well,  it  was  the  same  old  Slocum  sure  enough.  He  was 
the  most  onlucky  cuss  'at  ever  breathed,  I  reckon.  Every 
time  he  had  made  up  his  mind  to  do  something,  Fate  had 
stepped  up  an'  voted  again  it.  He  had  wasted  the  best  part 
of  his  life  locatin'  gold  mines  'at  would  n't  hang  out,  until 
at  last  even  he  got  disgusted  an'  went  to  huntin'  for  his 
Injun  root  to  cure  rheumatiz  with.  First  thing  he  knew, 
he  had  stumbled  on  a  bonanza  lode  in  the  Esmeralda  range. 
This  here  lode  was  a  peach.  Ten-foot  face  on  top,  just 
soggy  with  gold  an'  silver,  an'  copper  an'  tin  enough  to 
pay  expenses.  It  just  looked  as  if  they  's  said,  "  Now  then, 
there  's  Slocum ;  he  been  hammered  so  long  he  's  got  callous 
to  it.  Let 's  jus'  see  how  he  'd  act  if  we  switched  his  luck 
on  him."  An'  they  sure  done  it. 

Slocum,  he  scratched  around  until  he  see  that  it  wasn't 
no  joke,  an'  then  he  set  bait  for  a  couple  o'  capitalists.  He 
trapped  two  beauties,  an'  they  put  up  the  assets  an'  went  in, 
equal  partners.  They  sunk  shafts  an'  built  stamp  mills  an* 
smelters  an'  retorts  —  oh,  they  sure  made  plans  to  get  the 
metal  wholesale.  As  soon  as  it  began  to  flow  in  they  built 
stores  an'  shacks  an'  a  big  hotel  —  they  was  n't  timorous 
about  puttin'  their  coin  into  circulation,  you  bet  your  life, 
an'  it  looked  as  if  they  was  going  to  flood  the  market. 

Well,  Slocum,  he  owned  a  third  of  everything,  mind,  an* 
his  expression  flopped  square  over  like  a  dry  moon,  an* 
stayed  points  up.  He  forgot  all  those  years  'at  he  'd  been 
havin'  the  muddy  end  of  it,  an7  after  a  time  he  got  'em  to 
call  the  mine  "  Slocum's  Luck."  The'  was  n't  no  call  to 
hurl  such  an  insult  as  that  into  the  mouth  of  an  honest, 
hard-workin'  mine,  an'  naturally,  as  soon  as  it  was  done, 


102  HAPPYHAWKINS 

the  mine  laid  down  in  its  tracts  an'  refused  to  give  up 
another  ounce. 

They  came  to  a  break  in  the  lode  an'  could  n't  find  the 
beginnin'  again.  The  same  twist  that  had  hove  one  edge 
out  of  the  ground  had  un jointed  the  other.  But  they  had 
got  out  a  tidy  sum  already,  an'  they  knew  the'  must  be 
a  loose  end  somewhere,  so  they  was  anxious  to  keep  their 
outfit  in  good  order. 

Slocum  hadn't  swelled  clear  out  of  shape  with  his  new 
fortune,  an'  when  I  made  myself  known  to  him  he  had 
give  me  a  purty  tol'able  decent  sort  of  a  job,  where  there 
was  more  bossin'  an'  responsibility  than  brute  labor;  an' 
I  felt  kindly  toward  him.  Winter  lasted  full  four  months 
out  there.  It  was  a  good  ninety  miles  to  the  railroad,  an' 
so  when  the  mornin's  begun  to  get  frosty  every  one  else 
scooted  for  humanity,  an'  I,  bein'  more  or  less  weak-minded, 
took  the  job  o'  watchman,  at  forty  a  month  an'  my  needin's. 
I  always  was  a  hog  for  litachure,  so  I  got  a  bushel  o'  libraries 
an'  started  in  to  play  it  alone. 

The'  was  n't  a  blessed  thing  to  do,  so  I  read  'em  through 
by  New  Years,  an'  got  out  of  tobacco  by  the  first  of  Febru 
ary.  From  that  on  I  begun  to  think  in  a  circle,  an'  my 
intellect  creaked  like  a  dry  axle  before  the  bluebirds  began 
to  sing.  Quiet?  I  could  hear  the  shadows  crawlin'  along 
the  side  of  the  house.  The  snow  was  seventy-five  feet 
deep  in  the  canons,  so  you  might  say  I  was  duty  bound 
to  stay  there.  As  a  general  rule,  I  don't  shirk  breakin'  a 
path,  but  when  the  snow  is  more  than  fifty  feet  higher  than 
my  head,  I  'd  rather  walk  fourth  or  fifth. 

When  the  outfit  came  back  in  the  spring  I  was  the  entire 
reception  committee;  but  I  bet  the'  never  was  one  more 
able  to  do  its  part. 


CHAPTER    TEN 

A    WINTER  AT   SLOCUM^S   LUCK 

THEY  only  brought  out  about  half  a  gang  that  summer, 
an'  they  kept  them  probin'  around  all  over  the  neighbor 
hood;  but  though  they  found  enough  stuff  to  about  pay 
expenses,  they  could  n't  get  back  on  the  main  track.  Both 
the  Eastern  capitalists  showed  up  along  toward  fall  to  see 
what  was  doin',  an'  when  it  came  time  to  knock  off  work, 
they  tried  to  get  me  to  repeat  my  little  performance  as  watch 
man. 

I  thanked  'em  for  their  trustfulness,  but  I  politely  de 
clined  the  honor.  I  told  'em  'at  I  was  purty  tol'able  quick 
witted,  an'  it  did  n't  take  me  four  months  to  study  out  what 
I  was  goin'  to  say  next.  But  I  compromised  by  sayin'  that 
if  they  would  give  me  two  other  fellers  for  company  I  'd 
stay ;  otherwise  they  'd  have  to  rustle  up  some  poor  devil 
'at  needed  the  money.  They  knew  'at  I  was  reliable,  so 
they  agreed ;  an'  I  selected  out  my  two  companions  in  afflic 
tion.  What  I  mostly  wanted  was  a  heap  of  variety,  an' 
when  the  number  is  limited  to  two,  a  feller  has  to  be  some 
choicy ;  but  I  reckon  I  got  the  best  the'  was. 

There  'd  been  a  little  light-haired  feller  there  all  season, 
kind  o'  gettin'  familiar  with  labor,  like.  He  was  no  account 
to  work,  he  could  n't  even  learn  to  tie  a  knot ;  but  he  talked 
kin'  o'  blotchy,  an'  it  was  divertin'  to  listen  to  him.  One 
day  we  was  kiddin'  him  about  bein'  so  thumby,  an'  he  sez, 
:<  That 's  right,  boys,  laugh  while  you  can ;  but  I  '11  have  you 
all  between  the  covers  of  a  book  some  day,  an'  then  it  will 


104  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

be  my  grin.  I  ain't  swore  no  everlastin'  felicity  to  the  holy 
cause  o'  labor;  I'm  just  gettin'  local  color  now." 

Next  day  he  fell  into  a  barrel  of  red  paint  he  was  swobbin' 
on  the  hotel  to  keep  her  from  warpin',  an'  every  blessed  man 
in  camp  passed  out  about  six  jokes  apiece  relatin'  to  local 
color.  He  never  saddened  up  none,  though,  just  smiled 
sorrowful,  as  though  he  pitied  us,  an'  went  on  tanglin'  up 
everything  he  touched. 

An'  then  there  was  another  curious  speciment  there;  a 
tall  thin  feller,  with  one  o'  them  lean,  chinny  faces.  He 
claimed  'at  he  had  been  a  show  actor,  but  his  lungs  had 
given  out  —  claimed  he  was  a  tragudian,  but  Great  Scott! 
he  could  n't  even  turn  a  handspring. 

He  said  he  was  recuperatin',  an'  he  sure  did  hit  his 
liquor  purty  hard;  but  I  never  could  make  out  what  he 
expected  to  get  out  of  a  minin'  camp,  'cause  he  was  full 
as  useless  as  Local  Color.  About  half  the  fellers  you  meet 
strayin'  around  out  here  are  a  bit  one-sided,  but  we  don't 
care  so  long  as  they  're  peaceable.  When  you  'd  guy  this  one 
a  little  stout,  he  'd  fold  his  arms,  throw  back  his  head,  an* 
say,  "  Laugh,  varlets,  laugh !  Like  the  cracklin'  o'  thorns 
under  a  pot,  is  the  laughter  of  fools."  This  was  the  brand 
of  langwidge  'at  flowed  from  this  one,  an'  he  wasn't  no 
ways  stingy  with  it. 

Well,  they  had  kept  these  two  at  boys'  jobs  an'  boys'  wages, 
an'  when  I  offered  'em  the  position  of  deputy  watchmen, 
they  fair  jumped  at  it.  Said  Local  Color,  "  It  will  be  a 
golden  opportunity  to  perpetuate  the  seething  thoughts  which 
crowd  upon  my  brain."  Said  Hamlet,  "  I  thank  thee,  sir, 
for  this,  thy  proposition  fair.  In  sooth  I  '11  try  the  cold-air 
cure,  and  in  the  majesty  of  prime-evil  silence,  I  shall  make 
the  snow-capped  mountains  echo  to  the  wonderful  rhap- 


WINTER  AT  SLOCUM'S  LUCK   105 

sodies  of  Shakespeare."  Well,  the'  was  a  super-abundance 
of  cold  air  an'  prime-evil  silence  an'  snow-capped  moun 
tains,  an'  I  did  n't  care  a  hang  what  he  did  to  'em,  so 
long  as  it  kept  me  from  gettin'  everlastin'  sick  o'  my  own 
company. 

I  never  see  any  company  yet  'at  was  n't  a  shade  better  'n 
just  my  own.  I  knew  I  could  stand  these  two  innocents 
for  four  months,  an'  if  they  got  violent  I  could  rope  an' 
tie  'em.  When  everybody  begun  to  get  ready  to  pull  out, 
I  took  the  twenty-mule  team  down  to  town  to  get  our 
needin's.  I  took  the  children  along  with  me,  an'  I  sez  to 
'em,  "  Now,  boys,  no  drinkin'  goes  up  above  through  the 
winter.  We  simply  have  to  go  out  an'  get  disgusted  with 
it  before  we  start  back." 

Well,  we  sure  had  a  work-out.  On  the  sixth  day  Hamlet, 
he  throws  his  arm  around  my  neck  an'  busts  out  cryin' 
an'  sez,  "  Happy,  it  is  the  inflexible  destiny  o'  the  human 
race  to  weary  of  all  things  mortal,  an'  I  'm  dog-tired  o' 
bein'  drunk  —  an'  'sides,  I  'm  busted." 

It  turned  out  that  he  did  n't  have  any  advantage  over  me 
an'  Locals  in  this  respect,  so  we  went  to  the  company  store 
an'  got  three  bushels  o'  nickle  libraries,  enough  grub  to  do 
six  men  six  months,  enough  tobacco  to  do  twelve  men  a 
year,  an'  a  little  yeller  pup  'at  we  give  six  bits  for.  I  did  n't 
'low  to  run  any  risks  this  deal. 

When  we  got  back  'most  everybody  had  pulled  out,  an' 
the  roads  was  beginnin'  to  choke  up.  Slocum  an'  the  two 
capitalists  was  there  waitin'  for  us,  but  when  all  their  stuff 
was  loaded  on  the  wagon  the'  was  n't  room  for  the  men ; 
so  Miller,  the  youngest  capitalist,  who  was  a  bit  of  a  high- 
roller,  an'  had  been  shakin'  up  the  coast  off  an'  on,  he  took 
off  four  trunks,  an'  sez  to  me,  "  Happy,  if  you  run  out  of 


io6  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

clothes,  here 's  four  trunks-full."  Then  they  hopped  on  the 
wagon  an'  left  us  alone  in  our  glory. 

I  reckon,  take  it  all  in  all,  that  was  about  the  most  florid 
winter  I  ever  put  in,  an'  it  purt'  nigh  spoilt  me  for  hard 
work.  I  did  the  cookin',  the  innocents  did  the  chores,  an' 
we  got  along  as  bully  as  a  fat  bear  for  a  while,  livin'  in 
the  hotel.  The'  was  a  hundred  rooms,  but  we  did  n't  use 
'em  all.  Locals,  he  wrote  most  of  the  time,  when  he  was  n't 
lookin'  at  the  ceiling  an'  tryin'  to  think.  Hammy,  he  walked 
barefoot  in  the  snow,  on'  hollered  at  the  snow-capped  moun 
tains.  I  read  nickle  libraries,  an'  we  did  n't  care  a  dang  for 
the  Czar  of  Russia,  until  along  toward  Christmas  a  spark 
lit  in  my  pile  of  litachure,  an'  doggone  near  burned  the 
hotel  down.  Then  we  begun  to  feel  snowed-in.  Locals 
had  writ  himself  dry,  Hammy  was  tired  of  listenin'  to  him 
self,  besides  havin'  chilblains  up  to  his  knees,  an'  I  was 
half  crazy,  'count  of  havin'  nothing  to  read.  We  didn't 
have  a  nickle  between  us,  so  we  could  n't  gamble,  an'  I 
resigned  my  mind  that  when  spring  climbed  up  the  trail 
the  'd  be  two  corpses  an'  one  maniac  in  that  cussed  hotel. 

One  day  Hammy  came  stalkin'  in  to  where  me  an'  Locals 
was  playin'  guess.  Guess  ain't  never  apt  to  be  a  popular 
pastime  'cause  it  has  to  be  played  without  any  kind  o' 
cheatin'  whatever.  The  one  who  is  it,  guesses  what  the 
other  one  is  thinkin'  of,  an'  if  he  guesses  before  he  falls 
asleep,  he  wins.  Well,  Hammy,  he  breaks  in  on  our  game 
just  the  same  as  if  we  had  n't  been  doin'  anything  at  all,  an' 
I  knew  by  his  action  that  the'  was  somethin'  afoot.  When 
ever  Hammy  was  ready  to  speak  something,  he  always 
walked  like  a  hoss  'at  was  string-haltered  in  all  four  legs. 
Well,  he  paraded  up  to  us  that  day,  hip  action,  knee  action, 
and  instep  action  all  workin',  stopped  in  front  of  us,  folded 


WINTER  AT  SLOCUM'S  LUCK  107 

his  arms,  an'  sez,  "  Good  sirs,  I  have  conceived  a  fitting 
fete." 

"  The  only  fate  I  expect  is  to  go  mad  an'  cut  my  own 
throat,"  sez  Locals;  but  Hammy  frowned  an'  went  on  in 
a  scoldy,  indignant  voice.  "  When  Wisdom  speaks,  Folly 
replies  with  jest;  yet,  having  little  choice  of  company,  I 
needs  must  make  the  best  of  what  I  have." 

Well,  those  two  had  what  they  called  a  war  of  wits  until 
finally  Locals  hit  Hammy  with  a  chair,  which  was  the  way 
most  o'  their  discussions  ended ;  but  it  turned  out  that  what 
Hammy  was  tryin'  to  say  was  that  we  should  open  the 
trunks,  dress  ourselves  in  the  clothes,  an'  give  a  show. 
He  said  he  knew  parts  to  fit  any  make-ups  we  'd  find ;  an' 
after  Locals  found  out  what  it  was  'at  Hammy  had  schemed 
out,  he  joined  in  enthusiastic,  an'  said  that  if  the'  had  never 
been  a  part  writ  to  fit  'em  yet,  he  could  do  it  on  the  spot, 
an'  he  was  n't  swamped  with  business  right  then  anyway. 
"  Yes,"  I  sez,  "  it 's  a  great  idee,  an'  we  '11  sure  draw  a 
mammoth  crowd.  We  '11  charge  'em  a  library  apiece  an'  get 
enough  litachure  to  last  us  a  hundred  years." 

"  At  best,  sarcasm  is  out  of  season ;  at  worst,  the  season  's 
out  of  it,"  sez  Hammy  to  me ;  "  and  furthermore,  good 
friend,  in  life,  as  on  the  stage,  your  part  must  be  a  role 
of  actions,  not  of  words."  I  used  to  say  over  the  things  'at 
this  pair  made  up,  until  I  had  'em  by  heart,  an'  since  then 
I  've  had  a  lot  o'  fun  springin'  'em  on  strangers.  They 
used  to  speak  to  me  as  though  I  was  a  horse,  and  of  me  as 
though  I  was  part  of  the  furniture.  Hammy  sez  to  me  one 
day,  "  Me  good  man,  you  do  very  well  with  your  hands,  but 
kindly  Nature  designed  your  head  merely  for  a  hatrack." 
They  could  say  these  little  things  right  off  the  roll,  an'  it 
allus  made  me  feel  like  a  fish  out  o'  water,  somehow,  but 


io8  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

I  stored  'em  up  in  my  memory,  an'  I  've  got  my  worth  out 
of  'em  all  right. 

We  did  open  the  trunks  a  week  or  so  after  this  —  and 
clothes!  Well,  say,  Miller  sure  was  the  dresser.  The'  was 
fifteen  hats  in  a  little  trunk  built  a-purpose  for  'em,  an'  the' 
was  all  kinds  of  vests  an'  pants  an'  neckties  'at  a  feller 
could  imagine.  But  best  of  all  was  a  book  'at  we  found  at 
the  bottom  of  one  o'  the  trunks.  It  was  a  hard-shelled 
book,  an'  I  never  took  much  stock  in  that  kind.  When  it 's 
my  turn  to  read  a  book,  a  little  old  paper-back  fits  me  out 
all  right.  I  Ve  been  fooled  on  them  hard-shells  too  often ; 
but  this  here  one  was  a  hummer. 

I  ain't  no  tenderfoot  when  it  comes  to  a  book,  but  this 
one  was  sure  the  corkin'est  I  ever  met  up  with.  I  had  allus 
thought  'at  "  Seventeen  Buckets  o'  Blood ;  or  the  Mormon 
Widder's  Revenge  "  was  about  the  ex-treme  limit  in  books, 
but  this  here  one  lays  over  even  that.  It  was  called  "  Monte 
Cristo,"  an'  had  the  darndest  set  o'  Dago  names  in  it  ever 
a  mortal  human  bein'  laid  eyes  on.  I  tried  to  mine  it  out 
by  myself  at  first,  but  pshaw,  every  cuss  in  the  book  had  a 
name  like  an  Injun  town,  an'  the'  was  about  as  many  char 
acters  in  the  book  as  the'  is  on  the  earth ;  so  I  delegated 
Hammy  to  read  her  out  loud.  This  suited  Hammy  to 
the  limit,  an'  he  didn't  only  read  her  —  he  acted  her. 
He  'd  roar  an'  screech  an'  whisper  an'  glare  into  your  eyes 
so  blame  natural  that  a  feller  never  used  the  back  of  his 
chair  from  start  to  finish,  an*  twice  I  was  on  the  point  of 
shootin'  him,  thinkin'  it  was  real. 

If  you  ain't  never  read  the  book  it  '11  pay  you  to  fling  up 
your  job  an'  wrastle  through  it.  It  starts  out  with  a  nice, 
decent  young  feller  sailin'  home  to  marry  his  steady,  but 
all  his  friends  turn  in  an'  stack  the  cards  on  him,  an'  get 


WINTER    AT    SLO  GUM'S    LUCK      109 

him  chucked  into  the  rottenest  dungeon  in  France.  He 
knowed  how  they  soak  it  to  a  feller  citizen  in  that  country, 
an'  at  first  he  was  all  for  killin'  himself;  but  after  he'd 
studied  it  over  ten  or  twelve  years,  he  suddenly  heard  a 
queer  scratchin'  noise. 

In  that  same  prison  was  another  prisoner,  an  Abbey.  An 
Abbey  is  a  kind  of  foreman  priest.  Well,  this  Abbey  was  n't 
one  to  throw  out  a  prayer  an'  then  set  down  to  wait  for 
results,  not  him.  He  was  one  o'  these  nervous,  fretty 
fellers  what  like  to  do  their  own  drivin',  an'  he  makes  him  a 
set  o'  minin'  tools  out  of  a  tin  saucepan  an'  a  bed-castor,  an' 
runs  a  level  from  his  own  cell  into  Eddie's  —  an'  that  was 
the  queer,  scratchin'  sound  that  made  Eddie  decide  not  to 
kill  himself. 

By  George,  if  I  could  find  a  prison  what  had  an  Abbey 
shut  up  in  it,  the'  would  n't  be  any  way  in  the  world  to  keep 
me  out.  This  Abbey,  he  cottoned  to  Eddie  right  from  the 
start,  an'  durin'  the  next  few  years  they  mine  around  in  the 
prison  till  she  's  as  holey  as  a  Switzer  cheeze ;  an'  durin' 
their  leisure  he  edicates  Eddie  till  he  knows  more  'n  a  college 
professor. 

Then  the  Abbey  begins  to  have  fits,  an'  when  all  the 
medicine  'at  he  could  make  out  of  old  soot  an'  sulphur 
matches  an'  such  stuff  is  gone,  he  gives  up  an'  tells  Eddie 
where  he  has  a  little  holler  island,  chuck  full  o'  diamonds 
an'  money  an'  such  like  plunder.  Then  he  dies,  an'  Eddie 
gets  in  the  sack.  They  chain  a  round  shot  to  Eddie's  feet 
an'  hurl  him  off  a  cliff  into  the  angry  sea,  an'  when  it 
comes  to  that  part  you  can't  hardly  breathe ;  but  Eddie  kicks 
off  the  chain,  rips  open  the  sack,  an'  when  he  strikes  the 
water  he  's  a  free  man. 

He  swims  along  for  a  couple  of  days  until  he  overtakes  a 


no  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

smuggler,  an'  he  climbs  on  board  an'  shows  'em  how  to 
run  their  business  accordin'  to  Hoyle.  He  only  stays  with 
'em  long  enough  to  learn  all  their  secrets,  an'  then  he  gives 
'em  the  slip  an'  goes  to  his  little  holler  island.  He  pulls 
off  the  top,  an'  it 's  all  so,  what  the  Abbey  told  him.  Then 
he  lifts  up  his  hand  an'  he  sez,  sez  he,  "  I  '11  be  avenged!  " 
And  he  sure  done  it. 

He  did  n't  believe  in  none  o'  your  cheap  little  killin's.  He 
gives  'em  all  the  range  they  wanted  while  he  was  fixin'  up 
the  cards;  but  when  he  was  ready  to  call  their  hands,  the' 
was  somethin'  doin'  every  minute,  an'  don't  you  never  forget 
it.  Oh,  he  was  a  deep  one.  It  is  creepy  to  think  of  any  one 
like  him  bein'  turned  loose  on  the  earth,  'cause  a  feller  might 
do  somethin'  'at  did  n't  suit  him,  an'  the'  was  n't  no  place  you 
could  hide  in  afterward.  He  kept  watchin'  all  the  while,  an' 
nobody  could  n't  commit  a  crime  nowheres  on  earth  but  what 
he  knew  of  it,  an'  he  'd  go  an'  call  the  feller  over  to  one  side 
an'  say,  "  Young  man,  you  are  doomed  to  die;  but  if  you  '11 
promise  to  do  anything  I  want  you  to,  I  '11  give  the  Pope,  or 
the  Emp'rer  of  Chinee,  or  whoever  the  main  stem  happened 
to  be,  a  scuttle  o'  diamonds  an'  get  you  free  —  what 's  the 
word?" 

Well,  in  a  few  years  the'  was  n't  half  a  dozen  criminals 
in  the  whole  world  who  was  n't  bound  to  carry  out  his  orders, 
an'  you  can  see  what  an  outfit  he  had  to  back  him  up.  Some 
of  'em  he  'd  make  his  body-servants ;  but  that  was  n't  no 
snap,  you  can  bet,  'cause  he  was  notionable  to  a  degree. 
He  'd  make  plans  for  a  little  party,  an'  he  'd  send  one  man  to 
Siberia  for  a  fish,  an'  another  to  Asia  for  a  fowl,  an'  another 
to  Chinee  for  a  bird's  nest  —  to  make  soup  of  —  an'  so  on. 
He  never  give  his  guests  nothin'  to  eat  'at  growed  in  the 
same  country  the  feast  was  to  be  give  in. 


WINTER    AT    SLOCUM'S    LUCK      in 

Then  he  'd  say  to  his  steward,  who  had  the  hardest  job  of 
all,  "  Bill "  —  Bill  was  n't  his  name,  but  it  '11  do  —  "  Bill,  where 
did  I  see  that  six-foot  vase,  made  out  of  a  single  ruby?" 
An'  Bill  would  turn  pale  an'  say,  "  It  was  in  the  secret  vault 
of  the  Ein'prer  of  Chinee,  your  Excellency."  Then  Monte 
Cristo,  he  'd  say,  "  Ah,  yes,  so  it  was.  Well,  go  an'  get  it 
an'  have  it  here  by  the  twenty-fifth  day  of  next  month." 
Well,  Bill,  he  'd  just  about  flicker  out,  an'  begin  to  tell  how 
it  could  n't  be  did ;  but  Monte,  he  'd  only  look  at  him  cold, 
an'  say,  "Never  mind  the  details,  Bill  —  get  the  vase.  If 
you  think  you  need  the  British  Navy,  why,  buy  it,  but  don't 
bother  me.  It  seems  to  me,  Bill,  'at  you  ought  to  begin  gittin' 
on  to  my  curves  purty  soon.  Good-bye." 

This  was  the  way  he  carried  on.  He  'd  go  to  a  prison  an' 
he  'd  say,  "  Young  man,  you  was  buried  to  death  when  you 
was  a  baby,  but  I  figgered  I  could  use  you  later  on,  so  I  had 
you  transplanted.  You  come  out  o'  this  prison,  get  an  edi- 
cation,  an'  on  the  ninth  o'  next  June  you  show  up  at  number 
forty-nine,  Rue  de  Champaign,  Paris,  at  two  fifteen  p.  M.  — 
sharp.  Here  's  a  million  francs  to  pay  expenses.  Don't  be 
a  tight-wad  —  the'  's  plenty  more."  A  franc  is  worth  five 
dollars,  but  he  didn't  give  a  durn  for  'em.  That  was  his 
style. 

He  'd  come  to  town  an'  buy  a  tenement  house  'at  would  n't 
rent,  because  it  was  haunted ;  an'  he  'd  tear  it  all  down  ex 
cept  the  rooms  'at  had  been  most  popular  to  commit  murder 
in.  Then  next  day  he  'd  run  up  a  swell  mansion  around 
these  rooms  —  big  an'  gorgeous,  like  the  Capitol  at  Chey 
enne,  with  full-grown  trees  from  all  over  the  world,  standin' 
in  the  front  yard.  Then  he  'd  give  a  party  to  all  the  substan 
tial  citizens  who  had  once  used  those  rooms  to  commit  mur 
ders  in,  an'  he'd  bring  'em  face  to  face  with  the  ones  they 


112  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

thought  they  had  murdered  —  an'  it  was  comical  to  see  'em 
fallin'  around  in  faints ;  but  Monte,  he  'd  pretend  'at  he 
had  n't  noticed  anything  unusual,  an'  he  'd  get  'em  a  glass 
of  wine  an'  make  'em  face  the  torture,  till  it  gives  a  feller 
a  cold  sweat,  just  to  read  about  it. 

You  might  think  that  a  man  runnin'  for  congress  in  this 
country  has  a  hard  time  sinkin'  his  reputation ;  but  the  way 
'at  Monte  Cristo  mined  around  in  a  feller's  past  was  enough 
to  scare  a  cat  out  of  a  cellar.  They  don't  run  things  over  in 
France  like  they  do  here;  they  make  Counts  an'  Markusses 
an'  Bankers  out  of  the  bad  men,  an'  slap  the  innocent  ones 
into  dungeons  to  keep  'em  from  gettin'  spoilt.  But  this 
did  n't  suit  Monte  for  a  minute ;  so  when  he  gets  the  gang 
all  settin'  up  in  front  of  him  like  a  herd  o'  tenpins  he  sez, 
"  Let  her  go !  "  an'  you  ought  to  have  seen  'em  drop. 

He  don't  do  none  o'  the  dirty  work  himself  —  no  more 
prisons  for  him.  He  just  goes  around  like  a  Sunday-school 
director  at  Christmas  time,  while  his  enemies  turn  to  an7 
poison  an'  stab  an'  mutilate  each  other  in  a  way  to  turn  a 
butcher  pale ;  but  his  favorite  plan  is  to  make  'em  go  insane 
an'  have  their  hair  turn  white  in  a  single  night.  That  got 
to  be  his  private  brand. 

Well,  Hammy  read  the  book  to  us  so  natural  that  we  all 
slept  in  one  bed  for  company ;  but  it  cheered  us  a  heap,  an' 
we  begun  to  feel  rich,  ourselves,  an'  talked  about  millions  as 
easy  an'  natural  as  though  we  each  had  little  holler  islands 
of  our  own.  Miller  was  about  my  size,  so  'at  all  his  clothes 
fit  me  like  the  skin  on  a  potato.  Hammy  was  a  leetle  too  tall 
an'  thin,  and  Locals,  a  foot  or  so  short ;  but  they  fished  out 
a  couple  of  swell  outfits  too. 

We  found  a  lot  of  empty  check-books,  an'  used  to  play 
draw,  settlin'  at  night  by  check.  It  was  purty  good  fun  for 


WINTER  AT   SLOCUM'S  LUCK  113 

a  while  —  until  we  woke  up.  Hammy  owed  me  ten  million 
francs  an'  Locals  was  into  me  for  fifteen.  I  offered  to  give 
'em  a  receipt  in  full  if  they  'd  give  me  their  interest  in  the 
yeller  pup.  As  long  as  the  pup  had  three  bosses  he  would  n't 
mind  no  one,  an'  I  wanted  to  teach  him  somethin'  besides 
eatin'  an'  sleepin ;  but  them  two  cusses  would  n't  sell  out  at 
the  price.  When  I  saw  that  a  hundred  an'  twenty-five  million 
dollars  would  n't  buy  two-thirds  of  a  seventy-five  cent  pup,  I 
understood  what  the  spell-binders  mean  by  a  debased  cur 
rency,  an'  I  felt  hurt  an'  lonesome  again. 

One  day  Hammy  stacked  himself  in  front  of  a  window  an' 
began  to  talk  about  the  gloomy  ghastliness  of  solitude,  until 
me  an'  Locals  could  n't  stand  it  no  longer,  an'  we  heaved  him 
out  into  a  drift.  Under  ordinary  circumstances  he  would 
have  rolled  his  eyes,  pulled  his  hair,  an'  ranted  around  about 
the  base  ungratitude  of  man ;  but  this  time  he  looked  up  to 
the  sky  an'  hollered,  "  Come  out  here  quick !  Hurry  up ! 
Come  on! " 

We  went  out,  an'  the'  was  somethin'  a-floatin'  away  up 
yonder,  lookin'  like  a  flyspeck  on  a  new  tablecloth.  "  What 
is  it?"  asked  Hammy.  "  Is  it  a  bird?"  asked  Locals. 
Under  such  conditions  I  never  say  nothin'  until  I  have  some- 
thin'  to  say,  so  we  stood  an'  gazed.  In  about  ten  minutes 
we  all  shouted  together,  "  It 's  a  balloon !  " 

An'  by  jinks,  that 's  what  it  was.  We  hollered  an'  fired 
off  guns,  an'  after  a  while  it  settled  down  an'  lodged  in  a 
tree.  The'  was  only  one  man  in  it,  but  he  was  dyked  out  in 
Sunday  clothes,  an'  purt'  nigh  froze  to  death.  We  fed  an' 
warmed  him,  an'  he  was  about  as  much  surprised  at  us  as 
we  was  at  him.  I  was  wearin'  a  Prince  Albert  coat  an'  a 
high  plug  hat,  Locals  had  on  a  white  flannel  yachtin'  rig,  an' 
Hammy  was  sportin'  a  velvet  suit  with  yeller  leggin's  an'  a 

8 


114  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

belt  around  the  waist.  After  we  had  fitted  him  out  with  a 
pipe  he  sez,  "  Gentlemen,  I  may  possibly  be  able  to  repay 
you  at  some  future  time.  I  am  Lord  Arthur  Cleighton, 
second  son  of  the  Earl  o'  Clarenden." 

When  he  registered  himself  thus,  I  see  Locals  an'  Hammy 
open  their  eyes,  an'  I  knew  'at  we  had  landed  somethin' 
purty  stately. 

"  I  am  pleased  to  meet  you,  me  lord,"  sez  Hammy,  in  his 
most  gorgeous  manner.  "  I  am  Gene  De  Arcy.  You  may 
have  heard  of  my  father,  the  multimillionaire." 

Locals,  he  looked  at  Lord  Arthur,  an'  see  that  Hammy's 
bluff  had  stuck,  so  he  girded  up  his  loins  an'  sez,  "  Sir,  it 
gives  me  great  pleasure  to  make  your  acquaintance.  My 
uncle,  Silas  Martin,  the  late  copper  king,  has  just  died, 
leavin'  me  as  his  sole  heir;  an'  I  have  been  seein'  a  bit  of 
my  own  country,  preparatory  to  a  prolonged  trip  around  the 
world." 

Lord  Arthur,  he  jumps  to  his  feet  an'  shakes  hands  with 
'em,  tellin'  'em  to  just  cut  out  his  title,  as  he  was  a  simple 
Democrat  while  in  the  United  States. 

I  hardly  knew  what  to  do.  I  did  n't  hold  openers,  an'  yet 
if  I  did  n't  draw  some  cards  an'  see  it  out  I  stood  to  lose 
entirely.  I  had  been  corralin'  a  heap  o'  city  langwidge  since 
I  had  been  cooped  up  with  Locals  an'  Hammy,  but  my  heart 
failed  me.  I  knew  I  was  still  some  shy  on  society  manners ; 
but  I  also  knew  'at  the'  was  a  heap  o'  bluffin'  goin'  on,  so  I 
stuck  up  my  bet  an'  called. 

"  Artie,"  I  sez,  holdin'  out  my  hand,  "  you  're  the  first  lord 
my  eyes  has  ever  feasted  on ;  but  I  like  you  —  you  're  game. 
It  ain't  many  'at  will  own  up  to  bein'  a  Democrat  these  days, 
not  even  in  the  secrecy  of  the  ballot  box,  but  here  in  Nevada 
you  're  safe.  Pa  has  just  retired  from  business,  leavin'  me 


WINTER  AT   SLOCUM'S  LUCK  115 

this  little  mine;  but  it  only  pays  about  ten  million  a  year 
now,  so  I  've  made  up  my  mind  not  to  bother  with  it,  but 
to  shut  it  down  an'  go  on  a  tour  of  the  world  with  my  two 
friends  here.  I  never  cared  much  for  school,  so  this  will  be 
a  good  way  to  finish  my  edication.  We  was  up  here  last  fall 
seein'  that  things  was  closed  in  proper  order,  an'  waited  for 
the  watchman  to  come  up  from  below,  when  we  expected  to 
drive  down  to  our  special  train  an'  start  for  Paris.  But  the 
snow  came  unexpected,  and  the  expected  watchman  failed 
to  come ;  and  here  we  are,  with  no  food  fit  for  a  human,  an' 
all  our  servants  in  the  special  train,  ninety  miles  away." 

When  I  begun  my  oration  Locals  and  Hammy  leaned  for 
ward,  holdin'  their  breath ;  but  when  they  see  'at  I  was  n't 
turnin'  out  no  schoolboy  article  of  a  lie,  they  settled  back 
with  a  long  sigh,  an'  I  could  tell  by  their  faces  'at  they  were 
takin'  pride  in  my  work.  They  was  about  the  best  qualified 
judges  o'  that  kind  o'  work  I  ever  met  up  with,  an'  I  '11  own 
'at  I  never  felt  prouder  in  my  life  'an  I  did  when  Hammy 
slapped  me  on  the  back  as  soon  as  I  finished  an'  sez  to  Artie, 
"  Me  Lord,  this  is  a  typical  American.  He  plans  his  life  on 
larger  things  than  rules ;  but  you  can  depend  on  him  —  yea, 
though  the  heavens  fall,  you  can  depend  on  Jack  here." 

I  was  glad  we  did  n't  have  any  liquor  there,  or  like  as  not 
we  'd  'a'  burned  the  hotel  down  just  for  a  lark.  We  was  so 
full  of  that  doggone  Monte  Cristo  book  that  we  believed  our 
own  lies  as  easy  as  Artie  did,  an'  begun  to  talk  to  each  other 
like  we  was  society  folks  at  a  banquet. 

But  Artie  was  a  good,  decent  sort  of  a  chap,  as  common 
as  we  were,  when  we  got  to  know  him.  He  never  kicked 
none  on  the  grub,  an'  his  appetite  was  a  thing  to  make  prepa 
rations  for;  but,  as  Locals  said,  his  high  descent  came  out 
the  minute  he  was  brought  face  to  face  with  work  —  he 


Ii6  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

did  n't  recognize  it.  Now  he  did  n't  try  to  dodge  it,  nor  he 
didn't  apologize  for  not  doing  it;  he  just  didn't  seem  to 
know  the'  was  such  a  thing.  It  never  occurred  to  him  that 
the  only  way  to  have  clean  dishes  was  to  wash  dirty  ones. 
Hammy  and  Locals,  those  freeborn  sons  of  Independence, 
was  glad  an'  proud  to  have  the  chance  to  wait  on  him; 
but  I  must  confess  that  the  day  he  sat  by  the  fire  with  a  pile 
of  wood  within  reachin'  distance,  an'  let  the  fire  go  out,  I 
grew  a  trifle  loquacious  about  it. 

Hammy  overheard  me  mutterin'  to  myself  in  a  voice  'at 
could  be  heard  anywhere  in  the  hotel,  an'  he  drew  me  to 
one  side  an'  sez,  "  Hush,  presumptuous  peasant ;  for  all  you 
know  the  blood  of  Alfred  flows  within  his  veins." 

"  That  ain't  my  fault,"  sez  I ;  "  but  some  of  it  will  flow 
down  this  mountain  side  if  he  don't  begin  stayin'  awake 
daytimes." 

Still,  all  in  all,  he  was  a  likeable  young  feller  an'  the'  ain't 
no  doubt  but  what  he  saved  us  from  bein'  lonesome  any  more. 
He  said  'at  this  balloon  had  been  exhibited  in  Los  Angeles, 
an'  he  had  got  into  it  just  for  fun ;  but  the  rope  had  parted 
an'  he  had  been  fifteen  hours  on  the  way.  It  was  only  by 
luck  'at  he  had  happened  to  have  his  overcoat  along. 

He  had  four  or  five  newspapers,  which  he  had  tied  around 
his  feet  to  keep  'em  warm,  but  nare  a  library;  so  after  we 
had  lied  our  imaginations  sore  for  a  week  or  so,  we  fell  back 
on  draw,  settlin'  by  checks  at  night.  By  a  dazzling  piece  of 
luck  Artie  had  his  money  in  the  same  New  York  bank  'at 
Miller  had,  so  he  could  use  our  checks,  an'  things  began  to 
brighten.  Three  of  us  were  playin'  for  real  money,  an'  the 
other  feller  thought  he  was  —  it  was  genuine  poker,  an'  the 
stiffest  game  I  ever  sat  in. 

Time  did  n't  drag  none  now.    Artie  knew  the  game,  an'  it 


WINTER  AT  SLOCUM'S  LUCK   117 

kept  me  in  a  sweat  to  beat  him.  White  chips  was  a  hundred 
dollars  apiece ;  but  we  bet  colored  ones  mostly,  to  keep  from 
litterin'  up  the  table.  Spring  began  to  loosen  up  about  the 
first  of  March,  an'  by  that  time  Artie  owed  me  two  million 
real  dollars.  Locals  an'  Hammy  was  into  me  for  close  to  a 
billion,  but  I  did  n't  treasure  their  humble  offerings  much, 
'ceptin'  as  pipe-lighters.  We  was  keyed  up  to  a  high  pitch 
by  this  time,  an'  was  beginnin'  to  get  thin  and  ringey  about 
the  eyes.  Artie  from  losin',  me  from  longin'  for  the  time 
to  come  when  I  should  start  out  to  be  a  little  Monte  Cristo 
on  my  own  hook,  an'  Locals  an'  Hammy,  from  pityin'  Artie 
an'  envyin'  me. 

On  the  twenty-fifth  of  March  a  wagon-load  of  grub  an' 
four  men  came  out  to  get  things  started.  I  see  'em  comin' 
up  the  grade,  an'  I  piked  down  an'  told  'em  'at  I  had  landed 
a  good  thing,  an'  to  just  treat  me  as  the  boss  for  a  few  days 
an'  I  'd  make  it  all  right  with  'em. 

When  Artie  saw  the  new  men  he  turned  pale  about  the 
gills.  He  owed  me  close  to  three  millions,  an'  blame  if  I 
did  n't  feel  a  little  sorry  for  him.  Still,  I  'd  played  fair  all 
the  while,  an'  I  'lowed  'at  the  Earl  o'  Clarenden  could  stand 
it,  and  I  needed  the  money  a  heap  more  'n  some  who  might 
V  won  it. 

When  old  Bill  Sykes  came  in  to  report  to  me  I  was  wearin' 
a  plug  hat  on  the  back  o'  my  head  an'  sportin'  a  white  vest 
an*  a  red  necktie,  so  I  looked  enough  like  the  real  thing 
to  make  it  easy  for  him  to  act  his  part.  He  came  in  an' 
blurted  out,  right  while  we  was  boostin'  up  a  jack-pot. 
"  That  '11  do,  me  good  man,"  sez  I,  "  wait  until  this  hand  is 
played."  Bill,  he  took  off  his  hat  an*  stood  humble  until 
Artie  had  scooped  in  a  hundred  thousand  dollars,  an'  then 
I  told  Bill  he  might  talk. 


n8  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  The  watchman  was  found  froze  to  death,  Mr.  Hawkins," 
sez  Bill  to  me  mighty  respectful,  "  an'  your  train  waited  until 
two  relief  parties  had  been  drove  back  by  storms,  an'  then  it 
pulled  out  for  'Frisco.  We  are  all  ready  to  take  charge  here, 
an'  as  soon  as  you  wish  you  can  drive  down  in  the  wagon  an' 
telegraph  for  the  train." 

Bill  backed  out  bowin',  an'  we  made  plans  to  emigrate  a 
little.  I  promised  Locals  an'  Hammy  a  generous  rake-off, 
an'  we  fixed  to  have  a  tol'able  fair  time  as  soon  as  I  cashed  in. 

Next  mornin'  I  found  a  letter  addressed  to  Mr.  John 
Hawkins,  Esq.  Artie  was  n't  around,  but  Locals  an'  Hammy 
was,  so  I  opened  the  letter  an'  read  it.  This  here  is  the 
letter.  It 's  one  o'  my  greatest  treasures. 

"GENTLEMEN,  —  You  have  all  treated  me  fine  an'  I  hate  to  skin  out 
without  saying  good-bye  but  I  have  not  the  nerve.  I  have  lied  to  you 
all  the  time.  I  am  not  a  real  lord  at  all.  My  father  was  gardener  at 
Clarenden  Castle  an'  I  was  under  groom  at  St.  James  Court.  When  the 
younger  son  came  to  this  country,  I  came  with  him  but  left  him  an'  be 
came  a  waiter  in  New  York  City.  I  went  to  an  excursion  to  Long 
Branch  an'  got  to  flirting  with  a  widow  just  for  pastime.  She  dogged 
my  life  after  that  and  my  wife  is  something  terrible  so  I  took  her  and 
came  to  Los  Angeles.  We  was  as  happy  as  any  one  could  be  with  a 
wife  like  mine  until  the  widow  showed  up.  Then  I  stood  between  two 
fires  and  either  one  of  them  was  hell  so  I  got  into  the  balloon  and  cut 
the  rope  expecting  to  drift  over  into  Mexico.  You  are  all  rich  and  will 
not  need  the  money  but  I  always  play  fair  and  I  hate  to  skin  out  this 
way; 

"yours  truly 
"L.  A.  C. 

"  P.  S.  It  was  all  I  could  do  to  keep  from  helping  with  the  work 
'cause  some  of  your  cooking  was  rotten  and  you  did  not  wash  the  dishes 
clean  but  I  knew  if  I  worked  you  would  not  think  me  a  real  lord.  I  hope 
some  day  I  may  be  able  to  repay  you  for  all  your  kindness." 

I  didn't  say  a  word  after  I  finished  readin'  the  letter.  I 
had  fallen  too  far  to  have  any  breath  left  for  talkin'; 


WINTER  AT  SLOCUM'S  LUCK   119 

but  Hammy  an'  Locals  unbosomed  their  hearts  something 
terrible. 

"  A  murrian  on  the  filthy  swine !  "  sez  Hammy,  after  he 
began  to  quiet  down  a  little.  "  I  would  I  had  his  treacherous 
throat  within  my  grasp,  that  I  might  squeeze  his  inky  soul 
back  to  the  lower  depths  from  whence  he  sprung." 

"  Hush,  you  punkin  headed  peasant,"  sez  I.  "  The'  's  just 
as  much  of  Alfred's  blood  flowin'  through  his  veins  now  as 
the'  ever  was." 

'T  is  not  the  money  I  have  lost  that  makes  me  mad/'  sez 
Locals.  "  It 's  finding  out  that  a  man  can  become  so  degen 
erate  that  he  will  impose  upon  the  very  ones  who  save  his 
life  —  deceive  them,  lie  to  them !  " 

"  Oh,  he  ain't  the  only  liar  'at  was  ever  in  this  hotel,"  sez 
I ;  "  an'  when  it  comes  to  the  money  you  've  lost,  that  'd  be 
a  small  matter  to  get  mad  over.  He  risked  just  as  much 
money  as  we  did,  an'  if  he  'd  'a'  won,  he  would  n't  'a'  won  a 
cent  more." 

After  a  while  they  grew  more  resigned  in  their  langwidge; 
but  after  we  had  driven  down  to  town  without  finding  him, 
Hammy  sez,  "  In  sooth  't  is  bitter  truth  that  all  the  world  's 
a  stage ;  yet  Fate,  however  cruel,  never  decreed  that  I  should 
play  the  second  season,  as  servile  server  to  a  worn  out  mine 

—  my  health  is  all  right  again,  an'  I  'm  goin'  back  where  a 
feller  gets  paid  decent  wages  for  makin'  a  fool  of  himself." 

Suddenly  Locals  gave  a  yell  of  joy  and  shouted,  "  My  for 
tune  's  made !  I  can  take  this  thing  and  have  a  runaway  boy 
and  a  lost  orphan  and  a  rich  uncle  and  a  villanous  cousin,  and 
write  the  novel  of  the  age  about  it." 

"  No,  no !  "  sez  Hammy,  catchin'  the  excitement,  "  tragedy 

—  make  it  a  tragedy.     It  is  for  the  stage!     Think  of  them 
lost  without  food  and  the  balloon  coming  into  sight !    Think 


120  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

of  the  scenic  effects,  the  low  music  as  the  orphan  kneels  in 
the  middle  of  the  stage  and  prays  that  the  balloon  may  bring 
them  food;  and  then  have  the  villanous  cousin  in  the 
balloon  —  " 

Well,  they  purt'  nigh  fought  about  it,  and  they  were  still 
at  it  when  I  left  them.  The  tingle  of  spring  in  the  air  made 
me  wild  to  get  back  to  the  range  again.  I  thought  of  little 
Barbie  and  what  a  great  girl  she  must  be  by  this  time. 
I  thought  of  the  big-eyed  winter  calves  huggin'  up  to  their 
mothers  and  wonderin'  what  it  all  meant.  I  thought  of  old 
Mount  Savage,  and  all  of  a  sudden  somethin'  seemed  pullin' 
at  my  breast  like  a  rope,  an'  I  drew  down  my  winter  wages, 
an'  set  out  for  the  no'th,  eager  as  a  hound  pup  on  his  first 
hunt. 


CHAPTER   ELEVEN 

DRESS   REFORM    AT   THE   DIAMOND  DOT 

I  VE  heard  it  called  Christian  fortitude,  an'  I  've  heard  it 
called  Injun  stoickcism,  an'  I  've  heard  it  called  bulldog  grit ; 
but  it 's  a  handy  thing  to  have,  no  matter  what  it  is.  I 
mean  the  thing  that  keeps  a  feller  good  company  when 
the'  's  a  hurtin'  in  his  heart  that  he  never  quite  forgets.  A 
little  child  away  from  home  an'  just  sick  to  go  back,  a 
man  who  has  to  grit  his  teeth  an'  —  but  no,  the  first  expresses 
the  feelin'  better  —  a  child,  homesick,  but  keepin'  a  stiff 
upper  lip ;  and  it  don't  make  much  difference  what  the  age, 
that 's  a  condition  'at  nobody  ever  outgrows. 

Well,  all  the  years  I  'd  been  away  the'  was  a  little  empty 
sore  spot  in  my  heart  that  I  could  n't  quite  forget ;  but  I 
never  aired  it  none,  an'  I  don't  believe  I  knew  myself  how 
big  it  was,  until  I  left  Slocum's  Luck  behind  me  an'  headed 
for  the  Diamond  Dot.  Then  I  spread  a  grin  on  my  face 
that  nothin'  would  n't  wipe  off,  an'  I  stepped  so  high  an* 
light  that  I  was  like  a  nervous  man  goin'  barefoot  through 
a  thistle  patch.  I  was  headed  for  home;  an'  even  a  mule 
that  gets  dressed  down  regular  with  the  neck-yoke  gives  a 
little  simmer  of  joy  when  he  's  headed  toward  home,  while 
a  dog,  —  well,  a  dog  will  just  naturally  joyful  himself  all 
over  when  the  trail  doubles  back  on  itself,  an'  a  dog  ain't 
no  parlor  loafer,  neither,  if  I  'm  any  judge. 

Why,  for  two  years  I  had  n't  polished  a  saddle,  an'  I 
whistled  like  a  boy  when  I  pictured  to  myself  the  feel  of  a 
hoss  under  me.  The'  's  somethin'  about  feelin'  a  hoss  's 


122  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

strength  slide  into  your  legs  an'  up  through  your  body  that 
must  be  a  good  deal  like  the  sensation  a  saint  enjoys  the 
first  fly  he  takes  with  his  new  wings.  A  little  pop-eyed  drug 
merchant  was  out  here  on  a  tour  oncet,  an'  he  asked  me  the 
usual  list  of  blame-fool  questions,  about  what  we  et  an' 
where  we  washed  an'  if  it  did  n't  make  us  ache  to  sleep  on 
the  hard  ground,  an  so  on.  When  I  had  made  answers  to 
his  queries  accordin'  to  the  amount  of  information  I  thought 
it  wise  to  load  him  with,  he  shakes  his  head  solemn  like  an' 
sez,  "  I  do  not  see  where  you  get  any  compensation  for 
such  a  life  as  this." 

"  We  don't  get  any  compensation,"  sez  I,  "  but  look  at  all 
the  hoss-back  ridin'  we  get  to  make  up  for  it." 

An'  there  I  was  with  the  spring  drippin'  all  about  me,  the 
plains  standin'  beckonin'  to  me  on  every  side,  just  coaxin' 
to  be  rode  over,  an'  me  walkin'  on  foot  with  flat-heeled 
boots  on! 

I  had  rode  out  on  Sam  Cutler's  freighter  to  within'  twenty 
miles  o'  the  ranch  house,  an'  I  built  a  little  fire  an'  unrolled 
my  blankets ;  but  I  could  n't  sleep.  I  just  lay  lookin'  up  at 
the  stars  an'  tryin'  to  imagine  what  Barbie  looked  like  an' 
whether  Starlight  was  still  at  the  ranch,  an'  every  now  an' 
again  I  tried  to  decide  as  to  whether  I  'd  grin  or  be  haughty 
when  I  first  spied  Jabez.  I  was  some  anxious  to  come  upon 
Barbie  first.  I  knew  she  'd  be  glad  to  see  me,  but  I  was 
rather  leery  about  Jabez.  He  would  'a'  welcomed  a  projical 
son  of  his  own  as  often  as  occasion  offered,  but  he  wasn't 
just  the  sort  of  a  man  to  be  a  public  welcomer.  I  could  n't 
picture  him  puttin'  up  a  sign  savin',  "  Projical  sons  turn  to 
the  left.  If  chicken  is  preferred  to  veal,  shoot  in  the  air 
twice  when  you  get  within  a  mile  of  the  house." 

But  I  was  too  much  elated  to  worry  much,  an'  along  about 


DRESSREFORM  123 

one  o'clock  I  rolled  up  my  blankets,  kicked  out  my  fire,  an* 
started  to  drill.  When  the  sun  rose  I  was  in  sight  of  the 
ranch  house,  an'  the  sun  seemed  to  throw  an  arm  around  my 
shoulder  an'  go  skippin'  along  by  my  side  —  an'  I  did  skip 
now  an'  again. 

When  I  got  about  a  mile  from  the  house  I  came  upon 
Jabez,  walkin'  slow  an'  lookin'  down-hearted.  He  had  n't 
changed  a  mite  in  the  five  years — in  fact  from  what  I 
could  see  he  had  n't  even  changed  his  clothes ;  so  for  a 
moment  I  thought  his  sour  look  was  the  same  ill  humor 
I  'd  left  him  in ;  an'  then  I  saw  it  was  more  serious,  an' 
my  heart  stopped  with  a  thump. 

He  looked  up  just  then  an'  we  stared  at  each  other  without 
speakin'.  "  Ain't  you  dead  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  No  I  ain't,"  sez  I. 

"  We  heard  you  was,"  sez  he ;  "  killed  in  a  muss  over  at 
Danders." 

"  I  don't  believe  it,"  sez  I,  "  an'  besides,  I  ain't  been  in 
Danders  for  over  seven  years." 

"  Well,  then,  what  made  you  stay  away  so  long  for  ?  " 
sez  he,  sort  o'  snappy. 

"  I  don't  remember  you  sheddin'  any  tears  when  I  left, 
an'  I  don't  recall  you  beggin'  me  to  hurry  back,"  sez  I.  I 
was  pleased  at  the  way  I  was  bein'  received  an'  I  meant 
to  make  him  show  his  hand. 

"  You  know  as  well  as  I  do  that  things  allus  go  better 
on  this  ranch  when  you  're  here." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I. 

"  An'  you  know  'at  I  don't  like  to  beg  no  man  to  do  any 
thing  ;  but  you  ought  to  see  that  I  know  that  you  're  the 
usefullest  man  I  ever  had,  an'  you  oughtn't  to  be  so  fly- 
uppity,"  sez  he. 


124  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

"  Now  see  here,  Jabez,"  sez  I,  "  you  're  one  o'  the  kind 
o'  men  who  never  own  up  'at  a  man  was  fit  to  live  until  after 
he  's  dead.  You  're  like  some  o'  these  Easterners  —  they  get 
so  everlastin'  entranced  with  the  beautiful  scenery  that  they 
forget  to  water  their  ridin'  hosses.  I  don't  ask  no  special 
favors,  but  I  ain't  so  mortal  thick-skinned  myself,  an'  you 
ought  to  learn  sometime  that  there  is  hosses  'at  work  better 
when  they  're  not  beat  up  an'  yelled  at." 

"  Are  you  goin'  to  stay  this  time  ? "  sez  he. 

"  As  long  as  it 's  agreeable  —  all  around,"  sez  I.  "  Is 
everything  goin'  smooth?" 

The  down-hearted  look  came  into  his  eyes  again.  "  She 
won't  speak  to  me,"  sez  he. 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  'at  you  Ve  gone  an'  got  married," 
sez  I,  "  or  that  you  are  tryin'  to  ?  " 

"  I  ain't  such  a  fool,"  he  snaps.     "  It 's  Barbie,  I  mean." 

"  How  long  has  this  been  goin'  on  ?  "  sez  I. 

"This  is  the  fourth  meal,"  sez  he;  an'  he  was  so  solemn 
about  it  that  I  was  some  inclined  to  snicker,  but  then  it 
flashed  upon  me  that  when  I  left,  the  child  was  all  het 
up  over  the  letter  she  'd  found  in  the  attic,  and  I  sobered 
an'  sez,  "  Is  it  something  'at 's  goin'  to  be  hard  to  smooth 
over?" 

"  I  don't  see  how  the  deuce  it 's  ever  goin'  to  be  smoothed 
over,"  sez  Jabez,  desperately. 

"  Would  you  feel  like  sort  o'  hintin'  what  it  was  about  ?  " 
sez  I. 

"  Well,  it 's  about  the  way  she  acts,"  sez  Jabez.  "  Con 
found  it,  Happy,  she  's  the  best  gal  child  ever  was  on  this 
earth,  I  reckon,  but  she  don't  want  to  be  one,  an'  she  won't 
act  like  it,  an'  she  —  she  won't  dress  like  it.  Every  time  I 
argue  with  her  she  beats  me  to  it,  an'  I  'm  plumb  stumped. 


DRESSREFORM  125 

Yesterday  I  told  her  she  had  to  take  'em  off  an*  wear  dresses, 
an'  she  did ;  but  now  she  won't  speak  to  me." 

"  You  mean  that  you  said  that  she  was  never  to  argue 
with  you  again  ?  "  sez  I,  indignant. 

"  No,  I  mean  that  I  sez  she  must  take  those  confounded 
buckskin  pants  off !  She 's  big  enough  now  to  begin  to 
train  to  become  a  woman  —  not  a  man." 

I  had  to  grin  a  little,  but  even  though  it  didn't  seem  as 
skeptical  to  me  as  it  did  to  him,  I  saw  he  might  be  right 
about  it.  Still,  I  was  n't  goin'  to  take  sides  without  hearin' 
all  the  evidence,  so  I  sez,  "  Is  she  healthy,  Jabez  ?  " 

"Healthy?"  he  sez.  "Why,  that  child  could  winter 
through  without  shelter  an'  come  out  in  the  spring  kickin' 
up  her  heels  an'  snortin'." 

"  Well,  that  much  is  in  her  favor,"  sez  I.  "  Is  she  good 
at  her  studies  ?  " 

"  Where  you  been  that  you  have  n't  heard  about  it  ?  " 
sez  he.  "  Last  winter  she  out-ciphered  an'  out-spelt  the 
schoolmarm,  an'  she  fuddled  up  one  o'  these  missionary 
preachers  till  he  did  n't  know  where  he  was  at.  She  has 
been  studyin'  about  all  kinds  o'  things,  an'  she  cornered  him 
up  on  the  first  chapter  o'  Genesis.  She  lined  out  the  school- 
marm  first,  an'  the  schoolmarm  came  an'  told  me  that  she 
was  an  infidel  —  the'  ain't  no  sense  in  havin'  women  teach 
school,  Happy.  You  can't  reason  with  'em  an'  you  can't 
fight  with  'em  an'  they  just  about  pester  a  body  to  death. 
I  don't  see  how  Barbie  stands  it." 

"  Well,  what  did  you  do  about  her  bein'  an  infidel  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  I  could  n't  do  anything  to  the  teacher  except  tell  her 
what  I  thought  of  her;  but  next  Sunday  I  had  Barbie  read 
to  me  the  first  chapter  o'  Genesis.  Did  you  ever  read  it, 
Happy?" 


125  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  I  read  all  of  that  book  an'  most  of  the 
next  one.  Me  an'  another  feller  had  a  dispute  about  the 
Bible  one  time,  an'  he  said  it  was  the  best  readin'  the'  was, 
an'  I  said  it  was  too  dry.  He  read  me  about  a  feller  in  it 
named  Samson,  who  was  full  o'  jokes  an'  the  strongest  man 
ever  was,  I  reckon,  before  he  let  that  Philistine  woman  loco 
him,  an'  he  read  about  another  feller,  just  a  mite  of  a  boy, 
who  killed  a  giant  with  a  slingshot  in  front  of  an  army  which 
had  made  fun  of  him  an'  was  all  ready  to  give  in  to  the  giant, 
an'  he  read  me  some  poems  about  mountains ;  an'  I  had  to 
give  in  that  the  Bible  was  the  greatest  book  ever  was.  That 
was  up  at  a  little  ranch  in  Idaho,  an'  he  was  goin'  to  read 
it  all  to  me  an'  explain  what  it  meant,  —  he  was  full  edicated, 
this  feller  was,  an'  had  a  voice  as  soft  as  a  far-off  bell,  an'  an 
eye  that  seemed  to  reach  right  out  an'  shake  hands  with 
ya,  —  but  one  day  when  I  was  away  a  posse  surprised  him, 
an'  though  he  potted  two  of  'em  they  finally  put  him  out. 
He  left  me  his  Bible  with  a  note  in  it  which  said  that  he 
had  killed  the  man  all  right  an'  that  he  would  do  it  again 
under  the  circumstances ;  but  he  could  n't  tell  a  word  in  his 
own  defense  'count  of  mixin'  in  a  woman.  We  never  found 
out  a  word  about  it,  not  even  where  the  posse  came  from. 
Well,  afterward  I  tried  to  read  it  alone ;  but  I  could  n't  make 
any  headway.  For  one  thing,  the'  's  too  many  pedigrees  to 
keep  track  of,  an'  the  names  are  simply  awful.  I  don't 
want  to  be  profane  nor  nothin',  but  hanged  if  I  think  the 
Children  of  Israel  was  square  enough  to  deserve  all  the 
heavenly  favors  they  got ;  so  I  finally  gave  up  tryin'  to  read 
it.  But  what  about  you  an'  Barbie  ?  " 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I  'd  read  the  Bible  clean  through  from 
cover  to  cover  an'  I  never  saw  anything  unreasonable  in  it, 
so  I  thought  I  could  set  Barbie  right  without  any  trouble. 


DRESSREFORM  127 

She  read  me  the  first  chapter,  an'  by  that  time  I  was  rtmnin' 
for  cover  an'  yellin'  for  help.  The'  ought  to  be  something 
done  about  that  book,  it  ain't  right  to  try  an'  raise  a  child 
to  be  honest,  an'  tell  'em  that  they  must  believe  the  Bible, 
an'  then  have  'em  find  out  what  the  Bible  really  sez." 

"  Well,  what  about  it  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Well,  it  sez  that  the'  was  light  an'  darkness  an'  evenin' 
an'  mornin'  on  the  first  day;  on  the  third  day  the'  was  all 
kinds  o'  grass  an'  herbs  yieldin'  seeds,  an'  fruit  trees  yieldin' 
fruit ;  but  the'  was  n't  no  sun  or  stars  until  the  fourth  day. 
Now  how  could  you  have  evenings  an'  mornings  an'  grass 
an'  fruit  trees  without  sunshine  ?  You  know  that  would  n't 
work,  an'  when  she  put  it  up  to  me  I  simply  threw  up  my 
hands,  an'  sent  Spider  Kelley  with  the  buckboard  to  hunt  up 
this  missionary  preacher.  He  was  long-haired  an'  pius, 
an'  when  I  saw  him  I  felt  purty  sure  he  could  straighten 
it  out ;  but  he  was  n't  game.  Barbie  argued  fair  an'  square, 
an'  he  lost  his  temper  an'  called  her  an  infidel  an'  a  heretic 
an'  a  nagnostic;  but  she  pulled  a  lot  o'  books  on  him,  an' 
he  could  n't  understand  'em  an'  blasphemed  'em  something 
terrible;  but  he  see  he  was  whipped,  an'  just  simply  ran 
away.  I  felt  mighty  bad  about  Barbie  bein'  an  infidel  until 
Friar  Tuck  came  around.  You  remember  Friar  Tuck  — 
the  one  they  call  an  Episcolopian  ?  "  Course  I  remembered 
Friar  Tuck.  Everybody  knew  him  an'  he  was  about  as  easy 
to  forget  as  a  stiff  neck  —  though  for  different  reasons. 
Preachers  are  about  as  different  as  other  humans  to  begin 
with,  but  the  women  seem  more  unanimously  bent  on  spoilin' 
'em ;  so  as  a  general  rule  I  wade  in  purty  careful  when  I  'm 
startin'  an  acquaintance  with  a  strange  one,  but  I  did  know 
that  this  here  one  was  all  to  the  right,  an'  his  time  belonged 
to  any  one  who  demanded  it.  This  made  him  purty  wearin' 


128  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

on  hosses,  an'  when  one  would  give  out  on  him  he  'd  just 
turn  it  loose  an'  rope  another  'thout  makin'  any  preliminary 
about  it;  all  the  explanation  a  body  got  was  just  seein'  a 
tired,  stray  pony  eatin'  grass.  The  first  time  he  tried  that 
game  they  gathered  up  a  posse  an'  ran  him  down;  but  he 
pulled  a  Bible  on  'em  showin'  where  he  got  his  commission 
from,  threw  a  sermon  into  'em  'at  converted  two  an'  made 
one  other  sign  the  pledge,  an'  that  put  an  end  to  any  un 
solicited  interference  in  his  line  o'  work.  He  was  a  big  man 
with  two  right  hands,  an'  some  one  gave  him  the  name  of 
Friar  Tuck  out  of  a  book,  an'  he  was  known  by  it  the  whole 
country  over." 

I  nodded  my  head :  "  Did  the  Friar  get  fainty  about  Barbie 
bein'  a  heretic?"  sez  I. 

"  No,  he  did  n't,"  sez  Jabez,  "  he  just  laughed  when  I 
told  him  about  it,  an'  he  an'  Barbie,  they  wrangled  over 
it  for  a  long  time;  but  he  played  fair.  When  he  didn't 
know  the  answer  he  owned  up  to  it,  an'  then  he  told  her 
that  the  Bible  was  written  by  a  lot  of  different  men,  an'  that 
the  spirit  of  it  was  inspired ;  but  that  the'  was  n't  any  words 
ever  invented  that  could  describe  creation;  because  the 
origin  of  life  was  a  thing  'at  man  was  n't  wise  enough  to 
comprehend,  an'  that  all  the  scientific  books  ever  written 
couldn't  come  any  nearer  to  it  than  that  first  chapter  of 
Genesis,  which  had  been  written  ages  ago  when  the  old 
Earth  was  still  in  its  childhood." 

"  How  did  Barbie  get  around  this  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Well,  she  did  n't  have  much  to  say ;  he  did  n't  climb  up 
on  a  perch  an'  call  her  names,  he  just  sat  there  by  her 
side  like  they  was  both  children  together;  an'  then  he  took 
some  of  her  books  an'  explained  things  she  didn't  under 
stand  an'  pointed  out  things  'at  other  scientists  did  n't  believe 


DRESSREFORM  129 

in,  an'  he  actually  said  'at  he  believed  that  after  they  had 
examined  the  earth  all  over,  inside  an'  out  with  a  magnifyin' 
glass,  every  last  scientist  the'  was  would  be  willin'  to  admit 
that  it  must  have  been  created  some  way  or  another ;  and 
that  we  'd  all  be  the  better  for  the  work  these  scientists  was 
doin',  but  that  she  must  n't  confuse  the  word  with  the 
spirit,  for  it  was  the  spirit  which  giveth  life.  He  's  an  A  I 
man,  Friar  Tuck  is ;  but  when  I  offered  him  twice  as  much 
a  year  as  he  's  gettin'  to  stay  an'  teach  her,  he  just  laughed 
again,  an'  said  that  I  was  n't  in  no  position  to  double  the 
kind  o'  wages  he  was  workin'  for.  I  was  a  little  put  out 
at  this,  but  Barbie  said  he  was  talkin'  in  parables." 

"  Was  she  wearin'  the  buckskin  pants  when  he  was  here?  " 
sez  I. 

"  Yes,  she  was,  an'  I  did  n't  much  like  the  way  he  acted 
about  that.  At  first  he  thought  she  was  a  boy,  an'  it  made 
me  hot ;  but  he  sez  to  me,  '  Did  n't  God  create  man  first  ? ' 
I  owned  up  that  he  did.  '  Well,  then,'  said  he,  '  let  this  child 
develop  the  man  side  of  her  first,  so  that  she  may  have 
strength  an'  courage  for  all  her  journey.'  Everything  that 
man  sez  has  the  ring  o'  truth  in  it,  an'  I  did  n't  have  much  of 
a  come-back,  except  to  say  that  she  was  overdoing  it.  He 
called  Barbie  over  to  him  an'  looked  into  her  eyes  an'  put 
his  big  hand  on  her  head  an'  afterward  he  sez  to  me,  '  You 
need  n't  worry ;  soon  enough  a  soul  which  is  all  woman  will 
stand  before  you  and  ask  questions  which  will  make  you 
long  for  these  days  back  again.  Give  her  all  the  time  she 
will  take.' " 

"What  else  did  he  say?"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  he  asked  me  if  I  had  ever  noticed  a  litter  of  pups. 
I  said  I  had,  and  he  wanted  to  know  if  the'  was  much  dif 
ference  in  the  way  they  played.  I  owned  up  that  the'  was  n't. 

9 


130  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Then  he  looked  sort  o'  worried  an'  asked  me  if  I  had  ever 
found  any  of  'em  to  get  their  sex  mixed  up  bad  enough  to 
have  the  tangle  last  through  life.  I  had  to  admit  that  I 
never  had,  an'  he  laughed  at  me  good  an'  proper  —  but  his 
laughs  never  hurt.  I  did  n't  mind  about  her  wearin'  the 
buckskins  after  that  so  much." 

"  Well,  then,  what  made  you  rear  up  about  'em  yester 
day?"  sez  I. 

"  I  hired  a  new  man  when  she  was  out  ridin',  —  day 
before  yesterday  it  was,  —  an'  when  she  came  in  he  thought 
she  was  a  boy  an'  kind  o'  got  gay,  an'  she  panned  him  out; 
an'  he  cussed  her  an'  she  drew  a  gun  on  him  an'  made  him 
take  it  back,  an'  he  might  o'  taken  some  spite  out  on  her 
before  he  found  out  that  she  was  a  girl.  She  is  too  sizey 
now,  an'  confound  it,  leggin's  an'  a  short  skirt  ought  to 
satisfy  any  female  —  but  now  she  won't  speak  to  me,  an* 
I  can't  go  back  on  my  order,  so  I  don't  see  how  we  're  goin' 
to  straighten  it  out." 

I  pertended  to  be  mad.  "  Jabez,"  I  sez,  "  I  do  wish  I 
could  come  back  to  this  ranch  just  once  an'  find  it  runnin' 
smooth.  Here  I  come  all  the  way  from  Nevada  just  to  see 
it  once  again,  an'  I  find  the  boss  an'  his  daughter  ain't 
on  speakin'  terms,  an'  I  have  to  stand  palaverin'  for  a  solid 
hour  without  anything  bein'  asked  about  my  appetite,  an'  me 
just  fmishin'  a  twenty-mile  walk." 

"  By  George,  I  'm  sorry !  "  sez  Jabez.  "  But  hang  it, 
Happy,  you  ought  to  savvy  this  place  well  enough  by  this 
time  to  know  'at  no  human  ever  has  to  set  up  an'  beg  for 
food.  I  'm  glad  to  see  you  'cause  the  little  girl  does  set 
a  heap  by  you,  an'  you  seem  to 'have  a  way  o'  straightenin' 
out  the  kinks.  While  you  're  eatin'  breakfast  see  if  you 
can't  think  up  some  way  to  get  her  to  talkin'  again." 


DRESSREFORM  131 

We  started  to  walk  to  the  house,  an'  I  sez,  "  Just  what 
was  your  orders  about  these  buckskins  ?  " 

"  I  told  her  to  take  'em  off  at  once  an'  throw  'em  out  the 
window,"  sez  he. 

"Did  she  do  it?"  sez  I. 

"  She  allus  obeys  orders  when  she  drives  me  to  issue  'em 

—  but  I  allus  get  a  sting  out  of  it,  some  way  or  other.    This 
time  I  issued  the  order  at  the  supper  table,  an'  she  went 
upstairs  to  her  room,  stuffed  the  suit  full  o'  pillows,  stood 
in  the  window,  an'  screamed  until  me  an'  the  boys  ran  out 
to  see  what  was  the  matter.    Then  she  threw  the  figger  out 
an'  we  thought  she  had  jumped,  an'  I  made  a  fool  o'  my 
self.    It 's  playin'  with  fire  every  time  you  cross  her,  but  she 
allus  obeys  orders.    Still,  it 's  tarnation  hard  to  be  her  father 

—  not  that  I  'd  trade  the  job  for  any  other  in  the  country, 
at  that." 

I  had  to  chuckle  inward  all  the  way  to  the  house,  an' 
just  before  we  arrived  to  it  I  purt'  nigh  exploded.  Here 
come  a  figger,  heavily  veiled  an'  wearin'  a  shapeless  sort  of 
a  dress  affair  made  out  of  a  bedquilt  an'  draggin'  behind  on 
the  ground.  It  walked  along  slow  an'  dignified,  like  some 
sort  of  a  heathen  ghost,  an'  when  it  came  to  a  pebble  in  the 
path  it  would  walk  around  it  an'  not  step  over,  all  the 
time  holdin'  a  hand  lookin'  glass  to  see  that  her  toe  did  n't 
show.  I  just  took  one  side-eye  at  Jabez  an'  his  face  looked 
like  a  storm  cloud  at  a  picnic;  but  when  Barbie  see  who  I 
was  she  tore  off  the  veil,  gathered  up  her  skirts,  an'  yelled, 
"  Happy !  Happy  Hawkins,  is  it  really  you  ?  " 

"  I  'm  ready  to  take  my  oath  on  it,  madame,"  sez  I,  not 
crackin'  a  smile;  "but  if  I  might  make  so  bold,  who  are 
you?" 

"  Oh,  Happy,  we  thought  you  was  dead,"  said  she,  with 


132  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

a  little  catch  in  her  voice  that  made  me  wink  a  time  or  two. 
"  Where  have  you  been  all  these  years,  an'  why  did  n't  you 
come  back  to  us  ?  " 

She  stood  lookin'  into  my  eyes,  half  tender  an'  half  cross, 
an'  I  could  n't  help  but  try  her  out  to  see  which  would 
win.  "  I  did  n't  know  for  sure  that  I  'd  be  welcome,"  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  Happy !  "  she  sez ;  an'  she  threw  her  arms  around 
my  neck  an'  kissed  me,  an'  then  we  went  in  to  breakfast. 
I  answered  her  questions  between  bites,  an'  as  soon  as  we  'd 
finished  I  proposed  we  'd  go  for  a  ride.  "  I  have  n't  crossed 
a  saddle  for  two  years,"  sez  I.  "  Is  Starlight  here  yet  ? " 

"  Well  I  should  say  he  is,  and  fat  an'  bossy,"  sez  she. 
"  The'  has  n't  airy  another  body  but  me  rode  him  neither.  I 
divide  my  ridin'  between  him  an'  Hawkins,  just  ridin'  a 
colt  now  an'  again  to  keep  from  gettin'  careless."  Then 
she  stopped  an'  looked  down  at  the  thing  she  was  wearin' 
an'  said,  sadly,  "  But  I  reckon  my  ridin'  days  are  over." 

"  Alas,  yes,"  sez  I,  usin'  Hammy's  most  solemn  voice, 
"  Old  Age  has  set  his  seal  upon  your  brow,  an'  I  can  see 
you  sitting  knitting  by  the  fire  for  your  few  remainin'  days." 

"  Where  did  you  learn  to  talk  that  way  ?  "  sez  she,  quick 
as  a  wink.  So  I  told  her  of  my  winter  at  Slocum's  Luck, 
an'  she  asked  me  a  million  questions  about  Hammy  an' 
Locals.  When  I  was  through  she  sat  silent  for  a  while 
an'  then  she  sez,  "  Happy,  I  'm  goin'  to  see  more  o'  the  world 
than  just  this  ranch  some  day." 

"  Well,  the'  ain't  much  of  it  that 's  a  whole  lot  better  — 
an'  I  've  seen  it  about  all,"  sez  I. 

"You  seen  it  about  all?"  sez  she,  scornful;  "why,  you 
have  n't  seen  the  inside  of  one  real  house." 

I  glanced  around,  but  she  snaps  in,  "  This  ain't  a  house, 
this  is  just  shelter  from  the  elements.  I  'm  goin'  to  see 


DRESS    REFORM  133 

mansions  an'  palaces,  an'  I  'm  goin'  to  see  'em  from  the 
inside  too." 

"  Have  you  ever  read  Monte  Cristo  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  No,"  sez  she. 

"  Then  don't  you  do  it,"  sez  I.  "  Your  head  's  about  as 
far  turned  now  as  your  neck  '11  stand,  an'  what  you  ought 
to  do  is  to  learn  how  to  cook  an'  sew." 

She  looked  at  me  with  her  eyes  snappin',  but  in  a  second 
her  face  broke  into  a  grin.  "  The'  ain't  a  mite  o'  use  in 
your  tryin'  that,"  sez  she.  "  You  like  me  just  as  I  am, 
an'  you  don't  need  to  feel  it's  your  duty  to  work  in  any 
o'  that  teacher  stuff.  Gee,  but  I  'm  glad  you  came  back ! 
It  looks  as  if  me  an'  Dad  is  in  for  a  long  siege  of  it  this 
time,  an'  you  '11  keep  me  from  gettin'  lonesome." 

"  Not  the  right  answer,"  sez  I.  "  I  'm  goin'  to  leave  to 
morrow." 

Her  face  grew  long  in  a  minute,  when  she  see  I  meant 
it.  "  Happy  —  you  don't  really  mean  that,  do  you  ?  " 

"  Barbie,"  I  sez,  "  I  had  to  leave  before,  or  take  sides. 
Well,  you  an'  the  boss  are  warrin'  again;  I  can't  fight  you, 
an'  I  won't  side  again  him.  You  don't  leave  me  any 
choice  —  I  just  have  to  go  away  again." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  want  you  to  go  away  again,"  she  sez.  "  You 
allus  find  more  in  things  than  the  rest  of  'em  ever  do,  an' 
I  want  you  to  tell  me  all  about  those  two  queer  men  you 
spent  the  winter  with,  an'  to  teach  me  just  the  way  the  one 
you  call  Hammy  used  his  voice.  Happy,  you  just  can't 
go  away  again." 

"  I  don't  want  to  go  away  again,"  sez  I,  an'  I  was  down 
right  in  earnest  by  this  time,  "  but  you  make  me.  Barbie, 
you  are  hard-hearted.  You  know  that  your  father  thinks 
the  world  of  you  —  " 


134  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  He  don't  think  one  speck  more  of  me  than  I  do  of  him," 
she  snaps  in. 

"  Yes,  but  he  's  different,"  I  sez.  "  He  's  your  father,  an' 
he  has  to  guide  and  correct  you." 

"  Well,  he  don't  have  to  throw  in  my  teeth  that  I  'm  a 
girl  every  time  I  want  to  do  anything." 

"  I  'm  disappointed  in  you,"  I  sez  to  her  in  a  hard  voice. 
"  I  thought  that  you  would  be  game,  but  you  're  not." 

"What  ain't  I  game  about?"  sez  she. 

"  You  're  ashamed  of  bein'  a  girl,"  sez  I. 

"  I  ain't,"  sez  she.  "  I  'm  glad  I  'm  a  girl,  an'  I  want  to 
tell  you  that  the'  's  been  just  about  as  many  heroines  as 
heros  too.  I  don't  mean  just  these  patient  women  who  put 
up  with  things,  I  mean  heroines  in  history.  Look  at  Joan 
of  Arc!" 

"  I  never  heard  of  her  before,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  reckon  she 
must  have  been  Noah's  wife."  She  breaks  in  an'  tells  me 
the  story  of  the  French  farm  girl  who  got  to  be  the  leader 
of  an  army  and  whipped  the  king  of  England  an'  was  fi 
nally  burned;  an'  then,  naturally,  became  a  heroine  an'  a 
saint. 

"  She  did  n't  wear  boys  clothes,  did  she  ?  "  I  sez,  thinkin' 
I  had  her. 

"  Yes,  she  did !  "  sez  Barbie. 

"Well,  she  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  herself,"  I  said;  but 
I  knew  I  was  gettin'  the  worst  of  it,  so  I  changes  the  sub 
ject.  "  But  speakin'  about  the  Ark,"  sez  I,  "  there  's  an 
other  example  of  your  obstinacy.  When  I  went  away  from 
here  you  was  fussin'  with  the  school-teachers  because  they 
said  this  whole  earth  was  once  under  water,  an'  now  I 
find  you  cuttin'  around  an'  linin'  out  missionary-preachers 
because  you  ain't  suited  with  the  way  the  Bible  was  wrote. 


DRESSREFORM  135 

It  looks  to  me  as  if  you  ought  to  get  old  enough  sometime 
to  realize  'at  you  ain't  nothin'  but  a  child.  Your  father  is 
willin'  to  give  you  a  fair  show ;  he  don't  ask  you  to  act  like 
a  girl,  all  he  wants  is  for  you  to  look  like  one." 

"If  I  have  to  wear  a  skirt,  you  know  mighty  well  I 
can't  ride,"  sez  she. 

"  You  don't  have  to  wear  a  thing  like  what  you  have  on 
now,"  I  sez.  "  Why  don't  you  get  over  your  pout  an'  be 
sensible.  He  never  asks  you  to  humble  yourself.  All  you 
need  is  to  do  what  he  wants,  an'  he  '11  drop  it  at  once." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  all  I  need  to  do  is  to  give  up  my  inde 
pendence  an'  he  '11  think  I  'm  a  nice  little  girl." 

"  Why  don't  you  figger  out  some  kind  of  a  dress  that 
would  look  like  a  girl's  and  —  and  work  like  a  boy's  ? " 
sez  I. 

She  sat  thinkin'  for  a  minute  an'  then  sez,  "  That 
would  n't  be  a  complete  surrender,  that  would  only  be  a 
compromise ;  an'  I  'd  be  mighty  glad  to  do  it  if  the'  was 
only  some  way." 

"  Where 's  that  picture  of  the  girl  who  whipped  the 
king?  "sez  I. 

"  She  ran  an'  got  it,  an'  it  was  a  dandy  lookin'  girl  all 
right,  —  it  looked  a  little  mite  like  Barbie  herself, — but  she 
was  wearin'  clothes  'at  most  folks  would  think  undesirable; 
they  was  made  out  of  iron  an'  covered  with  cloth. 

"  You  don't  want  to  wear  any  such  thing  as  that,  Barbie," 
sez  I,  "  it  would  be  too  blame  hot,  an'  that  bedquilt  thing  's 
bad  enough." 

"  That 's  what  they  used  to  fight  in,"  sez  she. 

"  They  must  'a'  been  blame  poor  shots,"  sez  I.  "  Why, 
I  could  shoot  'em  through  those  eye-holes  as  fast  as  they 
came  up,  an'  she  don't  even  wear  any  head  part  with  hers." 


136  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Then  an  idea  struck  me :  "  But  why  don't  you  make  a  suit 
like  her  outside  one?"  sez  I.  "It  comes  below  her  knees 
an'  yet  she  can  ride  in  it  all  right." 

Well,  we  got  old  Melisse  to  help  us,  an'  by  four  o'clock 
the  thing  was  done.  We  had  used  up  some  dark-green 
flannel  that  Jabez  had  bought  to  have  a  dress  made  of,  an' 
which  she  had  kicked  on.  She  took  it  up  to  her  room  an' 
I  went  out  to  find  Jabez.  I  told  him  that  she  was  always 
willin'  to  give  in  when  any  honorable  way  was  pointed  out, 
an'  he  was  the  tickledest  man  in  the  West.  He  went  in  to 
supper  four  times  before  it  was  ready,  but  when  it  finally 
was  ready  Barbie  wouldn't  come  down. 

Melisse  went  after  her  an'  come  back  sayin'  that  Barbie 
didn't  feel  hungry  an'  was  goin'  to  wait  until  after  dark 
an'  then  wear  it  outdoors. 

"  What  nonsense !  "  sez  Jabez.  "  Here  she  's  been  wearin' 
regular  buckskin  pants,  an'  now  she  fusses  up  about  what 
you  say  is  a  half  dress.  You  go  an'  get  her." 

I  went  to  the  head  of  the  stairs  an'  called  her,  an'  she 
finally  stuck  her  head  out  of  her  room  an'  sez,  "Happy,  I 
just  can't  wear  this  thing.  It  flaps! " 

"  Let  it  flap !  "  sez  I.  "  You  're  just  like  a  colt  gettin' 
used  to  a  single-tree ;  you  won't  mind  it  after  the  first  hour. 
Let  me  see  how  it  looks." 

She  opens  the  door  an'  stands  with  a  queer  new  look  on 
her  face,  an'  her  cheeks  pink  as  wild  roses.  I  had  n't  never 
seen  those  cheeks  pink  up  for  anything  but  fun  or  anger 
before,  an'  it  flashed  upon  me  what  Friar  Tuck  had  told 
Jabez ;  an'  I  was  willin'  to  bet  that  the  time  would  come  when 
he  'd  have  full  as  much  girl  on  his  hands  as  any  one  man 
could  wish. 

The  waist  part  of  it  was  loose  an'  low  in  the  neck  an' 


Barbie 


DRESSREFORM  137 

came  to  a  little  below  the  knees  where  the  leggin's  be 
gan.  The  upper  part  of  the  leggin's  which  you  could  n't 
see  were  loose  an'  easy.  Her  little  legs  looked  cute  an' 
shapely,  an'  her  smooth,  round  throat  came  up  from  the 
open  neck  mighty  winnin'  —  the  whole  thing  was  just  right 
an'  I  sez  to  her,  "  Why,  Barbie,  this  is  the  finest  rig  you  ever 
had  on,  an'  you  're  as  purty  as  a  picture." 

Well,  her  face  went  the  color  of  a  sunset  an'  she  slammed 
the  door.  "  If  I  was  your  Dad,"  sez  I  to  myself,  "  you  'd  go 
back  to  those  buckskins  to-morrow."  I  waited  a  moment 
an'  then  I  began  to  make  fun  of  her,  and  after  a  while  she 
came  out  with  her  teeth  set  tight  together  an'  we  went  down 
to  the  dinin'  room ;  but  it  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever  seen 
her  take  an  awkward  step. 

"  Now  that 's  what  I  call  a  sensible  garment,"  sez  Jabez, 
heartily,  an'  then  he  begun  talkin'  to  me.  Jabez  had  a  lot 
o'  wisdom  when  he  kept  his  head,  an'  by  the  time  supper  was 
over  Barbie  was  purty  well  used  to  the  feel,  an'  we  all  three 
went  for  a  ride;  me  ridin'  Starlight,  Barbie,  Hawkins,  an' 
Jabez  a  strappin'  bay,  one  of  Pluto's  colts,  an'  a  beauty. 

Well,  I  '11  never  forget  that  ride :  you  know  how  tobacco 
tastes  after  a  man  owns  up  that  he  was  only  jokin'  when 
he  swore  off ;  you  know  how  liquor  seems  to  ooz  all  through 
you  after  you  Ve  been  out  in  the  alkali  for  three  months  — 
well,  that  first  ride,  after  bein'  out  o'  commission  for  two 
years,  makes  these  two  sensations  something  like  the  affec 
tion  a  man  has  for  sour-dough  bread.  Oh,  it  was  glorious ! 
we  all  felt  like  a  flock  o'  birds  —  hosses  an'  all.  In  the 
first  place  it  was  spring,  an'  that  was  excuse  enough  if 
the'  had  n't  been  any  other ;  but  two  of  us  had  gone  into 
that  day  not  on  speakin'  terms,  an*  now  they  were  closer 
than  ever,  an'  the  third  one  had  brought  'em  together.  The 


138  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

old  sayin'  is  that  three  's  a  crowd,  but  it  took  a  crowd  to 
hold  all  the  joy  fulness  that  we  was  luggin'  that  night,  an' 
it  was  ten  o'clock  before  we  turned  around  on  the  velvet 
carpet  an'  came  swingin'  back  to  the  house. 

We  had  to  finish  with  a  little  race,  an'  I  was  rejoiced  to 
see  that  old  Starlight  had  n't  become  a  back  number,  even 
though  the  bay  colt  did  make  it  a  mighty  close  finish. 

As  soon  as  we  unsaddled,  Barbie  sort  o'  whispered  to  me, 
"  I  'm  awful  glad  you  came  back,  Happy  " ;  an*  then  she  ran 
into  the  house. 

Jabez  shook  hands  an'  sez,  "  It  seems  to  me,  Happy,  that 
I  've  been  waitin'  for  you  for  months.  I  hope  to  goodness 
you  don't  fly  up  any  more." 

"  I  ain't  goin'  to  look  for  trouble,  Jabez,"  sez  I.  "  This 
spot  is  the  most  homelike  to  me  of  any  on  earth;  but  I 
don't  believe  I  '11  turn  in  yet.  I  want  to  stroll  around  a 
little." 

I  walked  off  in  the  quiet  to  the  little  mound  where  Monody 
lay,  an'  I  sat  there  a  long  while,  thinkin'  o'  the  last  time  I  'd 
come  back.  The  night  was  unusual  warm,  an'  I  hunted  up 
all  the  stars  that  I  knew,  an'  watched  'em  as  they  dropped 
down  one  by  one  behind  the  mountains.  I  thought  of  all 
that  Friar  Tuck  had  said  about  the  origin  of  life,  an'  what 
a  nerve  a  child  like  Barbie  had  to  even  study  on  such  a 
subject.  Then  I  dropped  back  to  all  the  happiness  I  'd  had 
that  day,  an'  the  last  thing  I  knew  I  was  lookin'  into 
Barbie's  eyes  an'  wonderin'  what  made  her  face  so  pink. 

It  was  the  cold,  gray  dawn-wind  that  woke  me  up. 


CHAPTER    TWELVE 

THE   LASSOO   DUEL 

THAT  was  a  summer  I  love  to  think  over ;  but  the'  was  n't 
nothin'  happened  to  tell  about.  I  was  a  little  soft  at  first, 
but  it  did  n't  take  me  long  to  get  my  hand  in,  an'  I  roped  my 
half  o'  the  winter  calves.  It  had  been  a  mild  winter  an* 
the'  was  a  big  run  of  'em,  an'  Jabez  was  in  a  good  humor 
most  o'  the  time. 

The  men  mostly  liked  Jabez;  but  they  used  to  talk  a  lot 
about  him,  as  he  was  some  different  from  the  usual  run.  He 
had  first  come  into  that  locality  when  Barbie  was  two  years 
old,  buyin'  the  big  Sembrick  ranch  an'  stockin'  it  up  to  the 
limit.  He  never  said  a  word  about  his  wife,  nor  his  past ; 
an'  Jabez  was  n't  just  the  sort  of  character  a  man  felt  like 
pryin'  private  history  out  of. 

The  men  laughed  a  good  bit  about  the  time  Jabez  had 
had  with  the  Spike  Crick  school.  He  had  a  fool  notion  that 
money  was  entitled  to  do  all  the  talkin',  an'  that 's  a  hard 
position  to  make  good  in  a  new  country.  After  his  money 
had  built  the  schoolhouse,  they  refused  to  elect  him  one  o' 
the  trustees;  said  it  might  lead  to  one-man  control.  Still, 
Jabez  was  n't  no  blind  worshiper  of  the  law,  an'  when  he 
found  that  they  'd  put  a  rope  on  him,  he  just  sidles  in  an' 
asserts  himself.  It  was  easy  enough  to  convince  a  teacher 
that  the  trustees  was  boss;  but  when  Jabez  began  to  get 
impatient,  the  school-teacher  generally  emigrated  a  little. 
Then  they  put  a  cinch  on  him  for  true.  They  hired  a 
woman  teacher.  When  it  came  to  bluffin'  a  woman  teacher, 


140  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Jabez  got  tongue-handled  so  bad  that  once  did  him  for  all 
time  to  come. 

But  the'  was  n't  any  difference  of  opinion  when  it  came 
to  Barbie.  The'  was  n't  a  man  on  the  place  who  was  n't 
willin'  to  stretch  a  neck  for  her.  She  knew  'em  all  by  name 
an'  used  to  tease  'em  an'  contrairy  'em;  but  she  never  hid 
behind  bein'  the  boss's  daughter.  Any  time  they  scored, 
she  paid,  an'  that  was  the  thing  that  made  'em  worship  her. 
She  had  changed  a  lot  in  the  five  years  I  'd  been  away ;  not 
only  in  size,  in  fact,  that  was  the  least  noticed  in  her;  but 
she  had  more  thinkin'  spells. 

It  used  to  be  that  she  made  up  to  every  one  right  from 
the  start;  but  now  she  was  a  little  shy  at  first,  especially 
with  Easterners.  Easterners  generally  are  about  as  tanta- 
lizin'  as  it 's  possible  for  a  human  to  get,  but  she  had  never 
minded  'em  much  until  this  summer.  Now  she  'd  answer 
the  first  twenty-five  or  thirty  fool  questions  polite  enough, 
but  after  that  she  got  purty  frosty  an'  would  ask  'em  some 
questions  herself  that  would  straighten  'em  up  right  short 
in  their  tracks.  About  every  time  an  Easterner  would  pull 
out  I  noticed  that  she  'd  put  a  little  wider  hem  on  the  bottom 
of  her  skirt. 

But  she  was  purty  much  the  same  with  me,  an'  after  the 
Spring  round-up  she  used  to  keep  me  ridin'  with  her  most 
o'  the  time  when  the'  wasn't  anything  actually  demandin' 
my  attention.  It  was  just  about  this  time  that  Jabez  hired 
a  new  man  by  the  name  of  Bill  Andrews.  He  was  about 
as  near  speak-less  as  a  man  ever  gets,  an'  he  was  n't  much 
liked  by  the  rest  of  us;  but  he  was  a  hard  worker  an*  a 
good,  all-around  hand,  so  he  got  along  all  right. 

When  the  fall  round-up  came,  Barbie  surprised  every  one 
by  sayin'  she  was  n't  goin'  to  do  any  of  the  ridin',  but  would 


THE    LASSOO     DUEL  141 

wait  until  after  we  'd  got  all  the  sortin'  out  an'  brandin' 
done,  an'  would  then  come  out  an'  see  the  whole  herd  in  a 
bunch.  The'  was  n't  a  thing  the  matter  with  her  health  an' 
we  all  wondered  what  was  her  reason;  but  I  had  my  own 
private  opinion  —  she  was  beginnin'  to  find  out  she  was  a 
girl,  an'  she  was  n't  quite  used  to  it. 

We  finally  rounded  up  in  the  big  bend  of  Spike  Crick, 
an'  the  stuff  was  in  the  suet,  every  one  of  'em.  Omaha  was 
supposed  to  be  straw  boss;  but  he  was  too  easy-goin'  an' 
generally  let  the  men  do  about  as  they  pleased.  Bill  An 
drews,  the  new  man,  had  a  sneer  on  his  face  about  half  the 
time,  an'  one  mornin'  when  I  came  in  from  night  ridin',  he 
sez  to  a  bunch  o'  the  boys :  "  I  did  n't  suppose  the  parlor- 
boarder  ever  risked  any  night  dampness." 

They  all  grinned,  'cause  the'  was  n't  any  jokes  barred  with 
us ;  but  I  did  n't  grin.  I  walked  over  to  the  group  an'  I 
sez :  "  Is  the'  anybody  else  in  this  outfit  that  has  any  o' 
that  brand  o'  supposin'  about  'im  ?  " 

"Aw  sit  down,  Happy,"  they  sez;  an'  "What's  the 
matter,  Happy ;  you  gettin'  tender  ?  "  an'  such  like  things ; 
but  Bill  Andrews  continued  to  sit  an'  grin,  so  I  sez  to  him : 
"  As  a  rule,  the  last  comer  in  an  outfit  has  sense  enough 
to  either  use  his  eyes  or  ask  questions.  I  admit  that  this  is 
a  purty  easy-goin'  place,  —  they  don't  even  ask  where  a 
man  comes  from  when  they  take  him  on,  —  but  I  've  been 
here  off  an'  on  for  some  time,  an'  I  reckon  that  the  boss  is 
able  to  figger  out  whether  or  not  I  've  been  worth  what  I 
cost." 

"Yes,"  sez  Andrews,  slow  an'  drawly,  "the  boss  —  or 
his  daughter." 

Three  o'  the  boys  grabbed  me,  but  Andrews  never  moved ; 
so  I  let  go  of  my  gun  an'  sez,  "  It  seems  'at  you  're  the  kind 


142  HAPPYHAWKINS 

of  a  hound  'at  picks  out  a  safe  time  to  snarl  —  but  the'  '11 
be  other  times." 

"  Any  time  you  wish,"  sez  he,  "  but  I  did  n't  mean  what 
you  seem  to  think.  I  know  well  enough  'at  the'  '11  never  be 
nothin'  between  you  an'  her  —  the  old  man  knows  it  too, 
an'  you  ain't  kept  here  for  nothin'  except  to  be  her  play 
mate." 

I  was  so  blame  mad  I  could  n't  see.  I  could  n't  speak. 
I  was  so  infernal  het  up  that  I  choked  an'  spluttered;  but 
when  I  got  my  hands  on  his  throat  I  put  my  finger-prints 
on  his  neck-bone.  The  boys  had  a  hard  time  tearin'  us 
apart,  an'  a  heap  harder  time  startin'  Andrews  goin'  again ; 
but  as  soon  as  he  was  able  to  talk,  I  sez  to  him,  "  Now  we 
ain't  through  with  this  yet.  I  'm  willin'  to  give  you  your 
choice  of  settlements,  but  you  sure  have  to  settle  some  way. 
How  do  you  want  to  settle?" 

He  had  black  blood  —  an'  he  was  a  coward.  It's  the 
hardest  mix-up  a  man  ever  has  to  deal  with.  He  jumped 
to  his  feet,  his  face  all  twisted  up  in  a  wolf-snarl,  but  he 
could  n't  look  me  in  the  eyes,  an'  he  finally  tries  to  smile. 
It 's  a  weak,  sickly  affair,  but  it  is  a  smile  all  right,  an'  he 
sez,  "  We  '11  just  compete  to  see  which  is  the  best  man  at  a 
round-up,  an'  we  '11  settle  it  that  way.  The'  ain't  no  use  of 
us  makin'  fools  of  ourselves  over  nothin'  at  all.  I  was  just 
jokin'  an'  I  did  n't  think  you  'd  be  so  blame  pernicious  about 
holdin'  down  an  easy  snap;  so  as  the'  ain't  really  nothin' 
between  us,  we  '11  settle  it  that  way." 

I  had  been  doin'  some  quick  thinkin'  while  he  was  talking 
an'  when  he  finished,  I  broke  out  laughin',  "  Why,  you 
blame  rookie,"  sez  I,  "  you  don't  really  think  I  was  mad,  do 
you?  I  see  'at  you  was  only  jokin'  right  from  the  start, 
but  I  wanted  to  do  a  little  play-actin'  for  the  boys  here. 


THE    LASSOO     DUEL  143 

That  '11  be  the  best  way  of  all  to  settle  it  —  see  who  's  the 
best  man  at  a  round-up." 

He  looked  some  relieved  when  he  laughed  —  an'  then  he 
rubbed  his  neck.  I  indulged  in  some  hoss-play  with  Omaha, 
an'  began  to  eat  my  breakfast ;  but  all  the  time  I  was  thinkin'. 
I  was  thinkin'  several  different  ways  too :  first,  was  the'  some 
truth  in  what  Bill  Andrews  had  said  —  was  I  gettin'  to  be 
nothin'  but  the  playmate  of  a  girl?  Then  I  wondered  if 
Jabez  had  studied  over  it  any  —  I  never  had  myself  before. 
I  knew  that  he  never  cared  nothin'  about  my  wages,  knowin' 
that  I  had  saved  him  more  the  night  I  brought  Monody  back 
than  he  'd  ever  pay  me  —  but  I  did  n't  want  to  be  pensioned, 
an'  I  did  n't  care  to  be  looked  on  as  the  ranch  watchdog. 
But  the  thing  that  finally  came  an'  refused  to  leave  was  a 
question  —  what  right  did  I  have  to  waste  the  best  part  of 
my  life  loafin'  around  with  a  child?  The'  was  a  lot  more  o' 
these  pesterin'  questions ;  but  they  all  finally  perched  on  Bill 
Andrews  an'  made  me  want  to  blow  him  up  with  dynamite. 

That  was  the  swiftest  round-up  ever  the  Diamond  Dot 
had.  Bill  Andrews  was  a  roper  for  true,  an'  I  don't  believe 
the'  was  a  man  in  the  West  'at  could  touch  me  those  days. 
When  me  an'  Barbie  would  be  out  ridin'  I  was  always  prac- 
ticin'  with  a  rope  or  a  gun,  an'  I  had  a  dozen  foller-up  throws 
'at  I  've  never  seen  beat.  I  did  my  work  cleaner  an'  more 
showy  'n  he  did,  but  it  could  n't  be  done  much  quicker.  We 
finished  three  days  ahead  of  the  schedule  an'  the  boys  said 
it  was  a  tie.  I  had  roped  twenty-six  more  calves  'n  he  had, 
but  they  wanted  to  see  us  contest  a  little  more,  an'  they  fig- 
gered  out  excuses  for  him.  The'  ain't  nothin'  ever  satisfies 
a  civilized  human  except  a  finish  fight.  He  don't  care  a  hang 
for  points. 

Well,  we  did  all  kinds  o'  fancy  ropin',  an'  I  was  a  shade 


144  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

the  better  at  all  of  it ;  but  those  confounded  cusses  kept  on 
claimin'  it  was  a  tie  until  I  got  het  up  a  little,  an'  sez  'at 
we  '11  have  a  lassoo  duel  an'  that  '11  settle  it,  even  among  blind 
men.  This  ain't  all  amusement,  this  lassoo-duel  on  hoss- 
back,  an'  I  see  Andrews  look  wickedly  content.  "  Nothing 
barred,"  sez  he ;  "  we  rope  hoss  or  rider,  either  one." 

"  Sure  thing,"  sez  I.  I  don't  know  to  this  day  whether  or 
not  he  really  thought  I  was  green,  but  anyhow,  he  thought 
he  had  me  at  this  game,  an'  I  saw  in  a  moment  'at  he  had 
trained  his  pony ;  but  he  did  n't  have  any  advantage  over  me. 
I  was  ridin'  Hawkins,  an'  he  had  been  dodgin'  ropes  all  his 
life  an'  liked  the  sport.  We  fenced  for  an  hour  without  bein' 
able  to  land,  an'  then  he  gets  his  noose  over  Hawkins'  neck. 
Before  he  can  draw  it  tight  I  rides  straight  at  him ;  his  pony 
has  settled  back  for  a  jerk ;  I  gets  my  noose  over  the  pony's 
neck,  a  loop  over  Andrew's  right  wrist,  when  he  tries  to 
ward  it  off  his  own  neck,  an'  then  another  loop  over  his 
shoulders,  pinnin'  the  left  arm  an'  the  right  wrist  to  his  body. 
My  rope  was  the  shorter  now  so  I  sets  Hawkins  back  an' 
takes  a  strain.  I  knew  what  was  goin'  to  happen  when  that 
rope  tightened  —  he  would  be  twisted  out  of  the  saddle  an* 
his  right  arm  dislocated  —  an'  he  knew  it  too ;  an'  he  knew 
that  I  was  goin'  to  do  it.  The  boys  was  as  silent  as  the  ace 
o'  clubs. 

His  face  went  pale  an'  he  looked  at  me  with  beggin'  eyes, 
but  mine  was  hard  as  stone.  I  hated  him  for  all  the  devil- 
thoughts  he  had  put  into  my  head,  an'  I  wanted  to  see  him 
twisted  an'  torn.  Then  I  just  happened  to  see  two  riders 
comin'  in  from  toward  the  ranch  house.  I  knew  by  instinct 
it  was  Jabez  an'  Barbie,  an'  just  as  Andrews  started  to  twist 
in  the  saddle  I  touched  Hawkins  with  the  spurs,  rode  up  to 
him,  threw  off  the  loops,  put  a  smile  on  my  face  —  an'  shook 


THE    LASSOO     DUEL  145 

hands  with  Bill  Andrews,  while  all  the  boys  give  a  cheer.  I 
was  pantin'  an'  tremblin',  but  I  don't  think  it  was  noticed, 
as  I  kept  that  smile  as  easy-goin'  an'  good-natured  as  a 
floatin'  cork. 

Well,  I  kidded  with  the  boys  until  Jabez  got  through  de- 
cidin'  on  what  he  wanted  done  with  the  different  bunches, 
an'  then  when  he  an'  Barbie  rode  back  to  the  house  I  went 
along.  I  made  sure  to  brazen  it  out  as  much  as  possible,  an' 
not  to  give  the  impression  that  I  was  as  het  up  as  I  had  been ; 
but  I  knew  that  Bill  Andrews  was  well  aware  of  what  had 
saved  him.  I  also  knew  that  he  'd  hate  me  to  the  day  of  his 
death  —  but  he  'd  fear  me  to  the  last  minute,  an'  he  'd  never 
start  but  one  more  contest. 

The  Diamond  Dot  did  n't  seem  so  homelike  after  that  ; 
it  was  a  heap  easier  to  get  the  best  of  Bill  Andrews  than  it 
was  to  get  rid  of  those  questions ;  but  I  tried  to  act  just  as 
much  the  same  as  possible,  only  I  did  as  much  range  ridin' 
as  I  could  make  seem  natural.  I  supposed  that  Bill  Andrews 
would  leave,  but  he  did  n't ;  he  stayed  right  along  an'  he 
worked  hard  an'  he  never  kicked.  He  was  allus  friendly 
with  me,  but  he  did  n't  overdo  it,  an'  things  went  along 
smooth  as  joint  oil. 

Barbie  had  gone  through  all  the  stuff  they  taught  at  the 
Spike  Crick  School,  an'  was  studyin'  some  advance  stuff 
with  the  teacher  who  was  ambitious  to  finish  her  own  edi- 
cation.  This  was  a  big  surprise  to  me ;  I  had  allus  supposed 
that  a  teacher  knew  everything,  but  it  seems  not.  The'  's  lots 
they  don't  know,  an'  the  front  they  put  up  before  a  pupil  is 
two  thirds  bluff.  A  naked  body  's  a  disappointin'  sight,  but 
I  bet  a  naked  soul  would  make  a  crow  laugh. 

All  through  that  winter  I  was  tryin'  to  find  an  excuse  to 
quarrel  with  Jabez,  but  the'  was  n't  none.  The'  was  n't  one 


146  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

hitch  in  the  whole  outfit  except  that  I  'd  lost  my  taste  for  it. 
I  could  n't  get  it  out  of  my  head  that  one  man  had  already 
taken  me  for  a  child's  playmate,  an'  while  I  knew  that  this 
particular  man  had  other  views  by  this  time,  I  did  n't  know 
how  long  it  would  be  before  some  one  else  would  find  that 
same  idea  gettin'  too  big  to  keep  under  his  breath;  so  the 
very  second  that  spring  opened  I  hunted  up  Jabez  one 
mornin'  after  I  had  given  old  Pluto  a  special  good  rubbin', 
an'  after  talkin'  a  while  about  nothin'  at  all,  I  sez  to  him, 
"  Jabez,  I  'm  goin'  to  pull  out  purty  soon." 

"What  for?"  sez  he. 

"  The'  ain't  no  chance  on  this  place  for  a  man  to  get  on," 
I  sez. 

"  What  do  you  want  to  get  on  for  ?  "  sez  he.  Well,  that 
was  a  fetcher.  The  great  trouble  in  debatin'  with  a  man  is, 
that  he  never  flushes  up  the  kind  of  an  idea  'at  your  gun  is 
loaded  to  shoot. 

"  What  does  any  one  want  to  get  on  for?  "  sez  I. 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  Jabez,  kind  o'  sad  like.  "  It 's  been 
so  long  since  I  wanted  to  get  on  that  I  can't  remember  what 
fool  notion  it  was  that  sicked  me  at  it ;  but  it  looks  to  me  as 
though  you  was  doing  purty  well,  considerin'  the  way  you 
work." 

There  it  was  again.  It  was  just  for  all  the  world  as  if  the 
watchdog  had  gone  on  a  strike  for  higher  wages.  "  Well, 
you  're  right  about  that,"  sez  I.  "  If  I  owned  a  place  like 
this,  I  would  n't  board  a  man  who  did  n't  do  more  than  I  do. 
That 's  one  reason  why  I  'm  goin'  to  travel  on  a  little  —  I  'm 
gettin'  so  rusty  that  the  creakin'  o'  my  joints  sets  my  teeth 
on  edge." 

"  Poor  old  man,"  sez  Jabez,  sarcastic.  "  I  saw  you  vaultin' 
over  Pluto  this  mornin'.  You  'd  better  be  careful,  you  're 


THE    LASS  00    DUEL  147 

liable  to  snap  some  o'  your  brittle  bones.  I  '11  have  to  put 
you  on  a  pension." 

"  Pension  hell !  "  I  snaps.  "  I  've  been  pensioned  too  long 
already.  The'  ain't  any  chance  for  a  man  with  get-up,  over 
a  low  grade  coffee-cooler  on  this  place,  an'  I  'm  sick  of  it. 
I  'm  goin'  to  hunt  up  a  job  where  it  will  pay  me  to  do  my 
best." 

"  How  much  pay  do  you  want,  for  heaven's  sake  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  don't  want  any  more  pay  for  what  I  'm  doin',"  sez  I, 
"  but  I  do  want  more  opportunity.  You  don't  keep  any  out 
an'  out  foreman  here  an'  —  " 

"  An'  it  would  n't  make  any  difference  if  I  did,"  he  snaps 
in.  "  It 's  allus  best  to  get  an  imported  foreman,  an'  not 
have  any  jealousy;  but,  confound  you,  I  pay  six  men  on  this 
place  foremen's  wages  —  an'  you  're  one  of  'em." 

"Six?  "sez  I. 

"  Yes,  I  raised  Bill  Andrews'  pay  last  week.  He  does 
more  work  than  any  of  you,  an'  he  ain't  all  the  time  growlin'. 
He  won't  never  have  any  friends  either,  so  if  I  was  to  choose 
a  foreman  he  'd  be  my  pick." 

"  I  was  foreman  of  the  Lion  Head  a  good  many  years 
ago,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  built  it  up,  an'  my  work  was  appreciated ; 
but  I  was  a  fool  kid  then.  Now  I  'm  gettin'  along  in  years 
an'  I  don't  intend  to  waste  any  more  o'  my  life." 

"  How  old  are  ya,  Happy  ?  "  sez  he,  laughin'. 

"  Well,  I  '11  be  thirty  years  old  —  before  so  many  more 
years,"  sez  I,  lookin'  full  as  indignant  as  I  felt,  I  reckon. 

"  You  're  nothin'  but  a  kid  in  most  things,"  sez  Jabez,  an* 
his  voice  was  so  friendly  that  I  began  to  cool.  Then  he  said, 
"  Why,  I  never  think  of  you  like  I  do  the  rest  o'  the  boys, 
though  I  rely  on  you  a  heap  more.  You  've  allus  been  like 
one  o'  the  family,  like;  an'  you  an'  Barbie  have  played 


148  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

around  together  until  most  o'  the  time  I  think  of  ya  as  about 
the  same  age ;  but  if  it 's  anything  in  the  money  line,  why  speak 
out.  I  was  a  young  feller  myself  once,  an'  if  you  've  happened 
to  run  up  any  debts  on  some  o'  your  town  trips,  why  I  '11 
pass  you  over  a  little  extra  an'  take  it  out  in  laughin'  at  you." 

By  George,  he  made  it  hard  for  me.  One  moment  he  'd 
tramp  on  my  corn  an'  the  next  he  'd  scratch  me  between  the 
shoulders ;  but  the  more  he  said  the  more  I  see  that  I  did  n't 
have  any  regular  place  in  the  team ;  I  was  just  a  colt  play  in' 
along  beside,  an'  it  gritted  on  me  something  fierce. 

"  Jabez,"  I  sez,  "  it 's  hard  for  me  to  explain  myself.  I 
like  this  place  an'  you  know  it ;  but  if  you  had  a  son  o'  your 
own,  you  would  n't  like  to  see  him  settlin'  down  before  he  'd 
struggled  up  a  little.  I  'm  old  enough  now  to  take  a  practi 
cal  view  o'  life,  an'  I  intend  to  become  a  business  man." 

He  tried  not  to  grin,  I  '11  say  that  for  him,  but  he 
could  n't  cut  it.  "  Why,  bless  your  heart,  boy,  you  never 
will  be  practical,  an'  as  for  business,  you  have  about  the 
same  talent  for  it  as  a  grizzly  bear.  You  enjoy  life  as  you 
go  along,  an'  you  enjoy  it  full  an'  free ;  a  business  man  don't 
enjoy  anything  but  makin'  money.  You  may  be  rich  some 
day,  but  it  won't  be  from  attendin'  to  business.  Now  take 
a  lay-off  if  you  want  to,  an'  get  this  nonsense  out  of  your 
system,  then  come  back  here.  You  know  'at  Barbie  misses 
you  every  minute  you  're  away." 

"  All  right,"  I  sez,  "  I  '11  try  it.  I  want  to  leave  this  place 
once,  the  same  as  if  we  was  both  grown  up,  not  as  if  we  had 
had  a  child's  quarrel.  I  '11  go  an'  I  '11  take  my  lay-off  by 
bucklin'  tight  down  to  business  ;  but  if  it  don't  seem  to  agree 
with  me,  why,  I  '11  come  back  here  an'  make  a  report." 

"  Now,  don't  stay  away  long,  cause  the  little  girl  is  lone 
some  for  company,  an'  as  she  sez  to  me  the  other  night, 


THE    LASSOO    DUEL  149 

you  're  better  company  than  any  book,  an'  you  've  got  more 
intelligence  than  a  school-teacher." 

"  Yes,"  I  went  on,  "  an'  I  don't  require  beatin'  as  often  as 
a  fur  rug,  an'  my  hair  don't  shed  off  as  bad  as  a  dog's,  an'  if 
I  could  just  forget  that  I  'm  a  human  bein'  I  would  n't  be  any 
more  bother  than  the  rest  o'  the  furnishings ;  but  that  is  the 
one  thing  that 's  on  my  mind  just  now  —  I  'm  a  man,  an'  it 's 
time  I  began  to  practice  at  it." 

Barbie  was  n't  quite  so  easy  to  get  away  from  as  Jabez 
was.  She  could  n't  believe  but  what  we  'd  been  quarrelin'. 
When  you  came  right  down  to  givin'  the  actual  reason  for 
my  departure  without  mentionin'  any  o'  the  true  cause,  it 
was  a  rather  delicate  project  for  a  man  who  had  n't  no  expe 
rience  in  makin'  political  speeches;  an'  Barbie  gave  me  a 
purty  complete  goin'  over. 

We  talked  it  out  for  a  week,  but  my  mind  was  made  up 
to  go  an'  the'  was  n't  anything  that  could  stop  me,  unless 
it  was  mighty  important ;  an'  at  last  she  stopped  arguin'  an' 
just  began  to  look  sorry.  That  was  .hardest  of  all. 

"  Happy,"  she  sez  to  me  one  night  when  we  was  ridin' 
back  from  Look  Out,  "  don't  you  think  I  'm  old  enough  now 
to  ask  Dad  about  what  that  letter  meant  ?  " 

I  turned  an'  looked  at  her ;  the  sun  was  just  about  to  duck 
behind  the  ridge,  an'  her  face  was  in  all  its  brightness.  It 
was  a  lot  different  face  from  that  of  the  child  who  had  asked 
the  question  so  long  ago.  It  was  serious  with  its  question, 
an'  it  looked  like  the  face  of  a  woman.  This  was  the  first 
time  she  had  mentioned  the  subject  since  I  'd  been  back,  an' 
I  had  n't  thought  she  dwelt  on  it  any  more ;  but  I  saw  now 
that  it  lay  close  up  to  her  heart,  an'  was  the  one  thing  she 
never  could  ride  away  from.  "  I  'm  purt'  nigh  fifteen,"  she 
went  on. 


150  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Fifteen  is  a  goodly  age/'  I  sez,  but  not  sarcastic.  I 
was  thinkin'  of  Jabez  an'  myself  that  mornin',  an'  won- 
derin'  if  age  cut  so  much  figger  after  all.  "  Do  you  an' 
your  dad  ever  talk  about  your  mother  any  more?"  I  asked 
her. 

"  Not  much,"  she  said.  "  When  one  wants  to  know  all, 
and  one  don't  want  to  tell  any,  the'  ain't  much  satisfaction  in 
talkin'  about  —  about  even  your  own  mother.  Don't  you  still 
miss  your  mother  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  would  n't  like  to  tell  everybody,"  sez  I,  "  but  I 
sure  do.  Why,  if  the'  was  any  way  on  earth  that  I  could  go 
back  to  her,  I  'd  sure  go  —  this  very  minute." 

"  At  least  you  know  about  her.  If  I  just  knew  about  my 
mother  it  would  be  all  right.  You  can't  seem  to  get  close 
to  even  a  mother  when  you  don't  know  a  single  thing  about 
her.  If  you  know  people  well,  you  can  tell  what  they'd  do 
under  any  kind  of  conditions,  an'  if  you  know  what  they  have 
done,  an'  what  they  've  been  through,  you  know  purty  well 
what  they  are ;  but  when  you  don't  know  anything  at  all,  it 
makes  it  hard,  awful  hard." 

I  did  n't  have  anything  to  say  to  her  that  would  help,  so 
I  did  n't  say  anything ;  an'  after  we  had  ridden  on  a  while 
she  said,  "  Happy,  I  don't  want  you  to  be  a  business  man. 
The  Easterners  that  rile  me  up  worse  than  any  other  kind 
are  the  business  men.  They  allus  calculate  how  a  thing  could 
be  turned  into  money.  Why,  if  one  of  'em  lived  out  here 
he  'd  put  a  cash  value  on  ol'  Mount  Savage.  They  allus  make 
me  think  o'  Dombey." 

"  What  was  th'  about  that  buckskin  mustang  to  make  you 
think  of  a  business  man  ?  "  sez  I,  thinkin'  she  meant  a  little 
ridin'  pony  she  used  to  have. 

"  I  don't  mean  Dobbins,"  sez  she,  "  I  mean  a  character 


THE     LASSOO     DUEL  151 

out  of  a  book.  He  was  such  a  good  business  man  that  he  let 
most  of  life  slip  by  him.  I  don't  want  you  to  do  that." 

"  Well,  I  '11  try  not  to,"  sez  I,  "  an'  it  may  be  that  begin- 
nin'  late  in  life  like  I  am,  I  won't  become  enough  of  a  busi 
ness  man  to  get  that  way ;  but  the'  is  one  thing  sure  —  I  'm 
through  with  my  nonsense.  I  'm  not  goin'  around  playin' 
like  a  boy  any  more,  I  'm  goin'  to  start  in  an'  stick  to  business 
all  this  summer,  an'  see  what  comes  of  it." 

"  Where  you  goin'  to  start  in  ?  "  sez  she. 

"How  do  I  know?"  sez  I.  "I'm  just  goin'  to  knock 
around  till  I  meet  up  with  a  business  openin',  an'  then  I  'm 
goin'  to  put  my  full  might  into  it  till  I  know  the  whole 
game." 

"  I  don't  believe  that 's  the  way  they  do  it,"  sez  she. 
"  These  ones  that  I  've  heard  braggin'  about  bein'  business 
men  don't  look  to  me  as  if  they  ever  did  much  knockin' 
around.  They  generally  have  everything  all  planned  out 
when  they  begin,  and  then  follow  out  the  plans.  Are  you 
goin'  to  start  in  some  town  or  go  into  a  big  city  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  can  tell  you  more  about  it  when  I  get  back," 
sez  I.  "  I  stayed  three  days  in  San  Francisco  oncet,  but  I 
did  n't  like  it  —  it  was  too  cramped  up.  I  'm  thinkin'  o' 
headin'  that  way  though." 

"  Well,  as  soon  as  you  've  give  business  a  good  fair  try-out, 
you  '11  come  back  here  an'  tell  us  about  it,  won't  you  ?  "  sez 
she.  The  sun  had  dropped  by  this  time;  but  I  could  still 
make  out  her  face  in  the  twilight.  The  eyes  were  big  an' 
soft  an'  glisteny,  the  lips  were  parted  an'  were  tremblin'  a 
little;  it  was  a  brave  little  face,  but  it  looked  lonesome. 
Something  began  to  tighten  around  my  heart,  an'  I  did  n't 
want  to  go ;  but  I  had  put  my  hands  to  the  plow,  an'  I  did  n't 
intend  to  back-track  till  I  'd  turned  one  full  furrow. 


I52  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Yes,"  I  sez.    "  Honor  bright,  just  as  soon  as  I  've  give  it 
a  fair  trial  I  '11  come  back  an'  let  you  know." 

"You'll  come  before  it  snows  if  you  can,  won't  you?" 
she  sez,  an'  I  nodded. 

Well,  for  my  part,  I  'd  rather  quarrel  when  I  'm  goin'  to 
break  any  ties.  I  stayed  for  five  meals  after  that,  but  they 
was  uncommon  dismal.  We  all  tried  to  act  as  if  everything 
was  runnin'  to  suit  us,  an'  we  all  made  a  successful  failure 
of  it.  When  at  last  I  was  ready  to  leave,  Jabez  shook  my 
hand  and  said,  "  Now  this  is  just  a  vacation,  Happy.  Have 
your  outing  an'  then  come  back  an'  settle  down  here.  Do  you 
want  to  take  your  money  with  you,  or  leave  it  in  the  bank 
until  you  decide  to  invest  it  ?  " 
"What  money?"  sez  I. 

He  grinned.  "  Oh,  you  '11  make  a  business  man  all  right. 
Don't  you  remember  givin'  me  six  hundred  dollars  after  you 
came  back  from  the  Pan  Handle?  Well,  *>s  been  in  the 
bank  ever  since,  an'  it 's  grew  some,  I  reckon." 

"  Well,  let  her  keep  on  growin',"  sez  I.     "  I  'm  gom'  1 
learn  the  business  before  I  invest  in  it." 

"That's    sense,"    sez    he.      "Did    you    ever    have    any 

experience?  " 

"  I  was  clerk  in  a  restaurant  once,"  sez  I ;  "  but 
like  it  an'  I  don't  reckon  I  '11  go  into  the  restaurant  business." 

Barbie  rode  a  long  way  with  me,  but  we  did  n't  talk  much. 
I  don't  suppose  the'  ever  was  a  time  when  we  both  had  so 
much  to  say;  but  we  couldn't  seem  to  say  it,  an'  when  we 
came  to  part  all  she  said  was,  "  Oh,  Happy,  I  hate  to  see  you 
eo  but  I  'm  sure  you  '11  come  back  in  the  fall." 

«'•  I  '11  come  back  as  soon  as  I  feel  I  can,"  sez  I ;  "  an'  now 
don't  worry  none  yourself,  an'  don't  fret  your  Dad 
don't  forget  old  Happy." 


THE    LASSOO    DUEL  153 

We  shook  hands  long  an'  firm,  an'  her  eyes  seemed  tryin' 
to  hold  me  until  I  could  n't  look  into  'em  —  but  I  did  n't  kiss 
her  this  time.  We  both  noticed  it,  an'  we  both  knew  'at 
while  I  was  partin'  from  her  she  was  partin'  from  her  child 
hood.  Partin'  from  anything  'at  you've  been  fond  of  is 
mighty  sad  business ;  and  so  I  rode  away  again. 


CHAPTER    THIRTEEN 

BUSINESS   IS   BUSINESS 

I  FELT  entirely  different  this  time.  I  was  n't  smartin'  under 
anger  an'  unjust  treatment ;  I  was  goin'  out  of  my  own  ac 
cord  an'  because  I  had  left  behind  me  the  carelessness  of  boy 
hood,  an'  was  ready  to  plow  an'  plant  an'  wait  for  a  crop. 
No  more  gaiety,  no  more  frivolity,  no  more  heedlessness.  I 
was  to  scheme  an'  plan  for  the  future  an'  not  be  led  astray 
by  every  enticin'  amusement  that  beckoned  to  me. 

When  I  came  in  sight  of  Danders  the  second  day,  I  did  n't 
inquire  how  my  thirst  was  feelin'  —  no  more  thirst  emer 
sions  for  mine.  The'  ain't  any  profit  in  that,  sez  I  to  myself ; 
what  I  want  to  do  is  to  ease  this  old  skin  of  a  pony  along 
until  I  can  get  a  piece  of  money  for  him ;  that 's  business. 

I  was  n't  much  acquainted  over  in  Danders,  an'  I  thought 
it  would  be  easy  slidin' ;  but  the  first  feller  I  met  was  a  use 
less  sort  of  a  cuss  what  had  been  punchin'  cows  at  the  Dia 
mond  Dot  the  time  the  Brophy  Gang  tried  to  clean  it  out,  an' 
he  has  to  tell  'em  who  I  am,  an'  they  had  all  heard  about 
me  an'  Bill  Andrews ;  so  'at  it  was  purt'  nigh  impossible  for 
me  to  hold  out.  I  apologized  for  not  drinkin',  an'  they  let 
me  off;  but  the  old  Diamond  Dot  hand  said  he  was  broke, 
an'  wanted  me  to  shove  him  a  little  stake. 

Well,  that  was  sure  a  bad  opening :  "  Business,"  sez  I, 
"  don't  let  go  one  cent  unless  it 's  goin'  to  grab  another  an* 
fetch  it  back  home ; "  an'  I  knew  that  all  I  gave  this  feller 
would  keep  in  circulation  for  the  balance  of  eternity.  Then 
a  brilliant  thought  struck  me,  an'  I  told  him  I  'd  give  him 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         155 

one  fourth  of  all  he  got  for  the  pony  over  ten  dollars.  He 
looked  at  the  pony  an'  sez,  "  Who  gets  the  ten  dollars  ?  " 

"  I  gets  the  ten  dollars,"  sez  I.  "  This  is  business :  I  own 
the  pony,  I  pay  you  wages  to  sell  him,  the  more  you  sell 
him  for  the  more  you  get." 

He  looks  at  me  a  moment  an'  then  he  calls  a  gang  around 
him  an'  sez  to  'em :  "  Here  's  a  rich  one,  fellers.  You  see 
this  pony  —  well,  he  was  too  blame  old  to  herd  geese  with 
when  I  was  punchin'  cows  over  at  the  Diamond  Dot,  ten 
year  ago,  an'  now  Happy  wants  me  to  sell  him,  me  gettin' 
one  fourth  of  all  I  rake  in  over  ten  dollars  —  an'  him  gettin' 
the  ten  dollars.  What  do  ya  think  o'  that  for  nerve  ?  " 

Course  they  all  laughed  like  a  lot  o'  guinea-hens,  but  I 
knew  that  a  business  man  has  to  overlook  the  inborn  ig 
norance  of  his  customers,  or  else  it 's  twice  as  hard  to  land 
'em ;  so  I  just  smiled  polite. 

"  What  is  your  first  offer,  men  ? "  sez  my  salesman. 
"  Who  '11  give  me  a  hundred  dollars  for  this  grand  old  relic ; 
this  veteran  of  a  hundred  wars ;  this  venerable  and  honor 
able  souvynier  of  bygone  ages  ? "  Well,  that  blame  fool 
went  on  pilin'  it  up  while  the  crowd  egged  him  on  by  offerin' 
two  bits,  an'  four  bits,  an'  six  bits  an'  a  drink;  an'  so  on 
until  I  was  disgusted  and  turned  it  off  as  a  joke,  tellin'  the 
blasted  rascal  to  take  the  pony  an'  try  to  trade  him  for  a 
night's  lodgin'. 

He  takes  my  saddle  an'  bridle  off  an'  puts  'em  careful  in 
the  hotel,  an'  then  he  takes  the  pony  across  the  street  an* 
begins  to  rub  him  down.  He  rubs  him  a  while  an'  combs 
out  his  stringy  mane  an'  tail  with  his  fingers.  Every  now 
an'  again  he  backs  off  an'  examines  that  pony  as  though  he 
was  actually  worth  stealin'.  I  couldn't  make  out  what  he 
was  up  to,  so  I  stood  in  front  of  the  hotel  watchin'  him. 


156  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Purty  soon  up  comes  a  tourist  what  has  been  lurkin'  around 
in  the  distance. 

"  What  is  the'  about  that  pony  that  everybody  takes  such 
an  interest  in  him  for  ?  "  sez  he,  glancin'  over  to  where  us 
fellers  was  gawkin'. 

"  Don't  you  know  ?  "  sez  the  feller,  in  surprise.  I  can't 
quite  recall  his  name  now,  but  I  think  it  was  Bill.  Anyhow, 
most  fellers'  names  is  Bill,  so  we  '11  call  him  Bill.  "  Don't 
you  know  who  this  pony  is  ?  "  sez  Bill. 

"  Why  no,"  sez  the  tourist.  "  I  just  arrive,d  this  mornin', 
an'  I  'm  waitin'  for  my  uncle  to  send  in  after  me." 

"  Is  that  so?  "  sez  Bill.  "  Well,  I  '11  bet  your  uncle  knows 
who  this  pony  is.  This  pony  is  Captain.  Who  is  your 
uncle?" 

"  Why,  my  uncle  is  Charles  W.  Hampton,"  sez  the 
tourist. 

"  You  don't  say !  "  sez  Bill.  "  Well,  Cholly  knows  who 
Captain  is  all  right." 

"  Oh,  do  you  know  him  ?  "  sez  the  tourist. 

"  Why,  everybody  knows  him  around  here,"  sez  Bill. 

"  That 's  funny ;  they  told  me  he  lived  over  a  hundred  and 
forty  miles  from  here,"  sez  the  tourist.  "  But  what  is  the' 
about  Captain  that  makes  him  so  wonderful  ?  He  don't  look 
like  much  of  a  pony  to  me." 

Bill  looks  at  the  pony  and  then  he  looks  at  the  tourist,  then 
he  looks  at  the  pony  again  an'  sez  in  a  low  voice :  "  It  ain't 
on  his  looks,  it 's  for  what  he 's  done  that  makes  Captain 
famous." 

"  What 's  he  done?  "  sez  the  tourist. 

"Did  you  ever  hear  of  Custer's  massacre?"  sez  Bill. 

"  Of  course  I  have,"  sez  the  tourist,  gettin'  interested. 

Bill,  he  walks  up  an'  puts  his  hand  on  the  pony's  neck, 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         157 

an'  then  he  turns  an'  sez  proudly,  "  This  here  pony  is  the  last 
survivin'  remnant  of  that  historical  event." 

"  You  don't  say !  "  sez  the  tourist.  "  What  are  you  goin' 
to  do  with  him  ?  " 

"  I  don't  want  to  say  a  word  again  the  flag  of  my  country," 
sez  Bill,  holdin'  up  his  hand,  "  but  my  country  ain't  got  the 
gratitude  it  ort  to  have  when  it  comes  to  hosses.  I  don't 
blame  'em  for  condemnin'  the  common  run  o'  hosses  an' 
sellin'  'em  to  wear  out  their  pore  lives  in  —  in  toilsome 
labor,  but  when  it  comes  to  a  hoss  with  a  record  like  Captain 
—  well,  I  kept  him  as  long  as  I  could  afford  it.  Now  I  'm 
goin'  to  give  him  a  good  groomin',  spend  my  last  penny  in 
givin'  him  one  more  feed,  an'  then  take  him  out  on  the 
broad,  free  prairie  of  his  native  soil  —  an'  shoot  him.  Of 
course  I  could  sell  him,  but  I  won't  do  it.  I  'd  rather  give 
him  a  soldier's  death  than  to  have  him  hammered  around  in 
his  old  age,  after  all  he  's  done  for  his  country." 

Well,  the  tourist,  he  gets  all  het  up  over  it,  an'  then  he 
comes  over  to  where  us  fellers  gathered.  We  're  standin'  in 
solemn  awe,  an'  he  sees  the'  ain't  any  of  it  put  on;  but  he 
can't  tell  that  it  ain't  respect  for  what  the  pony  has  done  that 
makes  us  so  solemn ;  he  can't  see  'at  we  're  off erin'  up  our 
tribute  to  Bill. 

"  Do  any  of  you  gentlemen  know  anything  about  that 
pony  ?  "  sez  the  tourist. 

"  Who,  Captain !  "  sez  a  tall,  lanky,  sad-lookin'  puncher. 
"  Well,  it  ain't  likely  that  you  can  find  a  man  in  the  West 
who  would  n't  recognize  that  pony  by  the  description.  That 
there  pony  was  in  the  Custer  Massacre." 

"  The  gentleman  what  owns  him  is  goin'  to  shoot  him," 
sez  the  tourist. 

"  Well,  perhaps  it 's  all  for  the  best,"  sez  the  sad  one.    "  I 


158  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

ain't  no  millionaire,  but  I  offered  him  thirty-seven  dollars 
for  that  pony.  He  doubted  that  I  'd  take  good  care  of 
him,  so  he  would  n't  sell  him  to  me.  He  said  he  did  n't 
think  I  'd  abuse  the  pony  when  I  was  sober,  but  I  '11  have  to 
own  up  that  when  a  friend  —  when  a  friend  invites  me  to 
have  a  drink,  I  can't  say  no  —  an'  I  got  a  darn  sight  o' 
friends  in  this  country." 

The'  ain't  no  use  in  draggin'  this  out.  After  that  tourist 
had  agreed  to  treat  that  pony  like  the  saints  of  glory,  Bill, 
he  finally  sold  him  to  him  for  an  even  fifty  dollars  —  an* 
it  was  me  that  bought  the  liquor  for  the  crowd. 

I  'm  good-natured  enough  to  suit  any  one  reasonable ;  but 
I  own  up  I  was  sore.  Here  I  'd  started  out  with  the  best 
intentions  in  the  world,  with  my  mind  all  made  up  not  to 
be  led  into  temptation  or  turned  from  a  set  purpose,  an' 
what  was  the  first  result  ?  I  had  simply  given  my  entire  stock 
in  trade  away  to  a  worthless  loafer,  an'  had  seen  him  sell  it 
for  fifty  dollars  after  he  had  made  all  manner  of  fun  of 
me  for  offerin'  one  fourth  of  all  he  made  over  ten.  Why, 
the  pony  was  worth  seven  dollars,  an'  I  could  have  sold  him 
for  that  money  myself  if  I  had  n't  let  them  laugh  me  into 
showin'  off.  Then  to  top  off  with,  I  'd  blown  in  about  a 
month's  wages  just  to  show  the  gang  I  was  able  to  take  a 
joke  when  it  was  measured  out  to  me. 

I  was  ready  right  at  that  minute  to  own  up  that  business 
did  n't  come  natural  to  me ;  but  I  enjoyed  myself  plenty 
enough  until  along  toward  mornin',  an'  then  the  pen j alum 
begun  to  swing  back.  I  sat  over  in  the  corner  kickin'  my 
self  purty  freely,  when  a  funny,  twisted  little  man  came 
over  an'  sat  across  from  me.  He  had  pink-like  cheeks  an* 
shiny  little  eyes,  an'  he  was  middlin'  well  crowded  with  part 
of  the  wet  goods  I  had  been  payin'  for. 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         159 

"  It  was  one  o'  the  smoothest  business  deals  I  ever  saw 
put  through  —  on  a  small  scale,"  sez  he. 

"  Oh,  hang  business,"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  it 's  a  hangin'  matter  often  enough,"  sez  he.  "  Do 
you  know  the  reason  why  the'  's  so  much  devilment  in  this 
world  ?  " 

"  It 's  'cause  the'  's  so  many  people  here,"  sez  I ;  "  that 's 
easy  enough." 

"  It 's  'cause  the  preachers  ain't  got  the  nerve  to  explain 
what  the  commandments  mean,"  sez  he. 

It  was  an  awful  curious  little  man,  an'  I  kind  o'  straight 
ened  up  an'  give  him  a  searchin'  look :  "  I  've  met  a  heap 
like  you,"  sez  I.  "  Some  folks  think  that  preachers  is  paid 
to  make  the  world  better,  but  they  ain't.  They  're  paid  so 
that  when  a  feller's  conscience  hurts  him  he  can  just  lay  all 
the  sins  of  the  whole  world  on  the  preachers." 

"  They  deserve  'em,"  sez  the  little  man.  "  What  does  it 
mean  to  steal  ?  " 

"  Why,  any  fool  knows  what  stealin'  is,"  sez  I.  "  It 's 
takin'  something  that  don't  belong  to  you." 

"  How  can  you  tell  what  does  belong  to  you  ?  "  he  sez, 
leanin'  forward  as  if  he  was  makin'  a  point. 

I  looked  at  him  an'  saw  that  he  really  thought  he  was 
talkin'  sense,  so  I  sez :  "  You  go  talk  to  some  one  else.  I  'm 
too  sleepy  an'  I  'm  too  blame  sore  to  bother  with  such 
nonsense." 

"  It  ain't  nonsense,"  sez  he.  "  I  'm  an  edicated  man,  an' 
I  been  studyin'  life  ever  since  I  been  born.  My  father  was 
a  preacher  across  the  water,  an'  I  got  arrested  for  stealin' 
a  bottle  of  whiskey  when  I  was  n't  nothin'  but  a  boy.  The 
whole  family  was  disgraced  on  account  of  me,  an'  my  father 
told  'em  to  go  ahead  an'  give  it  to  me  hard.  Now  I  stole 


160  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

that  whiskey  on  a  dare,  an'  I  stole  it  from  a  good  church 
member;  but  all  the  rest  of  my  life  I  been  stretchin'  that 
there  commandment  until  I  tell  you  the  whole  human  race 
is  one  set  o'  thieves." 

Well,  I  was  purty  sleepy,  but  the  little  old  man  had  an 
eye  in  him  like  a  headlight,  an'  he  just  made  you  listen  to 
him.  "  The'  ain't  no  sense  in  your  slingin'  mud  that  way," 
sez  I.  "  The'  's  lots  of  men  'at  would  n't  steal,  if  they  had 
a  chance." 

"  If  I  ruin  my  constitution  through  depravity,  is  it  steal- 
in'  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  it 's  darn  foolishness." 
"  It  is  stealin',"  sez  he,  "  just  as  much  as  if  I  help  to  waste 
natural  products  what  can't  be  replaced  —  stealin'  from  the 
children  of  the  next  generation,  an'  all  the  followin'  gen 
erations." 

"  What  rights  have  they  got?"  I  sez,  losin'  my  patience. 
"  They  ain't  even  born  yet." 

"  Did  you  ever  see  a  baby  ?  "  sez  he. 
"  Yes,"  I  sez,  "  I  bet  I  've  seen  a  dozen  of  'em." 
"Well,"   sez  he,  "was  they  polite?     Did  they  beg   for 
what  they  wanted  ?    Did  they  have  any  doubt  but  that  they  'd 
be  plenty  of  everything  to  go  around  ?  " 

"  Not  them  what  I  saw,"  sez  I.  "  They  'd  give  one  little 
coo,  to  see  if  any  one  was  handy,  an'  then  they  'd  holler  an* 
yell  an'  scold  an'  fuss  until  they  got  what  they  wanted." 

"  Do  you  suppose  if  they  did  n't  have  any  rights  they  'd 
have  the  nerve  to  carry  on  that  way?  "  sez  he. 

"  Rights !  "  sez  I.  "  They  did  n't  have  to  have  rights  — 
they  had  mothers." 

Well,  that  set  him  back  a  good  ways,  an'  by  the  time  he 
had  thought  up  some  new  stuff  I  was  asleep ;  but  he  shook 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS        161 

me  awake  an'  sez,  "Of  course  the  child's  mother  will  do  all 
she  can ;  but  supposin'  she  ain't  got  what  the  child  wants  — 
how  '11  she  explain  it  to  him  ?  " 

"  She  won't  bother  explainin'  nothin'  to  a  baby,"  sez  I. 
"  She  '11  just  send  the  old  man  out  to  get  it." 

He  looked  sort  o'  disgusted  like,  as  if  he  was  n't  used  to 
arguin'  with  a  man  what  could  handle  logic  an'  make  points. 
"  You  're  just  like  the  rest,"  sez  he.  "  What  I  mean  is, 
that  every  man  who  has  ever  been  on  earth  is  just  sort 
of  an  overseer  for  them  what  is  yet  to  come.  We  have 
the  right  to  use  everything  we  want  in  the  right  way,  but 
we  haven't  any  right  to  waste  it  or  destroy  it,  or  hog  it 
up  so  that  all  can't  enjoy  it.  Why,  when  you  start  to  savin' 
an'  draw  in  what  ought  to  be  circulating  you  steal  from 
them  what  have  n't  had  the  chance  'at  you  've  had.  It 's 
wicked  to  be  thrifty." 

"  Well,  you  're  the  craziest  one  I  've  seen  yet,"  sez  I, 
laughin'.  "  Why,  if  you  had  your  way  you  'd  utterly  ruin 
business." 

"  Business !  "  he  yells,  gettin'  excited.  "  Do  you  know 
what  business  is  ?  " 

I  thought  a  moment.  "  I  don't  know  all  the'  is  to  know 
about  it,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  expect  to  give  it  a  fair  good  work 
out  before  I  'm  through  with  it." 

"  Business,"  he  sez,  leanin'  across  the  table  an'  hittin'  it 
with  his  finger-nail,  "  business  is  simply  havin'  the  laws 
fixed  so  you  can  steal  without  havin'  to  pay  any  fine.  What 
is  business  ?  Ain't  it  figgerin'  an'  schemin'  to  get  away  from 
a  man  whatever  he  happens  to  have  ?  That 's  nothin'  but 
stealin'." 

"  Confound  you,"  sez  I,  "  do  you  mean  to  say  that  just 
because  I  'm  goin'  to  engage  in  business  I  'm  a  thief?  " 


162  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

He  looked  at  me  a  moment  an'  then  he  shook  his  head. 
"  No/'  he  sez,  "  you  won't  never  be  that  kind,  you  '11  be 
some  other  kind;  but  that's  about  all  business  is  —  just 
thievery.  Why,  I  once  knew  two  men  'at  was  the  best 
friends  'at  ever  lived ;  an'  they  just  ruined  their  lives  'cause 
they  could  n't  resist  the  temptation  of  each  tryin'  to  grab 
all.  It  was  over  the  Creole  Belle  —  " 

"Yes,  but  she  was  a  woman!"  I  yells,  jumpin'  to  my 
feet,  an'  leanin'  over  the  table. 

"  No,  it  was  a  mine,"  sez  he,  sittin'  still. 

"A  Creole  is  a  cross-breed  woman  'at  came  from  New 
Orleans,"  sez  I ;  "  an'  when  they  're  good  lookin'  enough, 
they  call  'em  belles." 

"  Well,  this  here  mine  'at  I  'm  goin'  to  tell  you  about  was 
called  the  Creole  Belle,"  he  sez.  "  For  a  long  time  it  did  n't 
pay  to  amount  to  anything,  an'  then  it  began  to  pay;  an' 
the  two  friends  got  covetous,  an'  first  George  had  Jack 
killed  an'  then  he  gets  killed  himself  by  Jack's  —  " 

"  No,  he  was  n't  killed,"  I  snaps  in  like  a  blame  fool. 

The  old  man  looked  at  me  with  his  little  shiny  eyes  all 
scrouged  up.  "  Who  was  n't  killed  ?  "  he  sez,  slow  an'  cau 
tious. 

"  Why,  George  Jordan  was  n't  killed,"  I  sez. 

"  What  would  a  kid  like  you  know  about  it  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Well,  I  do  know  'at  he  was  n't  killed,"  I  sez.  "  I  been 
workin'  for  him ;  he  don't  live  but  a  short  way  from  here. 
Tell  me  the  whole  story.  I  '11  make  it  worth  your  while. 
Come  on,  what  '11  you  have  to  drink  ?  " 

He  leaned  forward  with  his  hand  clutchin'  at  his  side,  an* 
his  pink  cheeks  gray  an'  twisted.  He  coughed  a  dry,  short 
cough,  an'  groans  out  between  his  set  teeth.  "  It 's  my  heart ; 
I  got  a  bum  pump.  You  tell  George  Jordan  that  I  never 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         163 

breathed  a  word  of  it,  but  that  Jack  Whitman —  Oh,  my 
God!  Get  me  a  drink  of  whiskey!  Get  me  a  drink  of 
hell-fire!" 

He  doubled  up,  grabbin'  an'  clawin'  at  his  breast  while 
I  jumped  to  the  bar  yellin'  for  whiskey.  I  grabbed  the 
bottle  an'  hustled  back  to  him,  but  he  was  all  crumpled  up 
on  the  floor.  We  straightened  him  out  an'  rubbed  his 
wrists  an'  poured  whiskey  down  his  throat,  an'  after  a  while 
he  opened  his  eyes.  The  minute  his  senses  got  back  to  him 
he  clutched  at  his  heart  again,  rollin'  an'  writhin',  an'  makin' 
noises  like  a  wounded  beast.  "  I  knew  it  would  end  this 
way,"  he  gasped.  "  I  'm  goin'  out  now,  but  listen  to  what 
I  say  "  —  he  helt  his  breath  to  keep  from  coughin'  —  "  the' 
ain't  no  sin  but  stealin'.  Don't  never  take  nothin'  that 
don't  belong  to  ya." 

All  his  muscles  grew  rigid  an'  twisted,  an'  then  a  smile 
came  on  his  face  an'  he  sank  back.  They  had  the  doctor 
there  by  that  time,  but  the'  was  n't  anything  to  be  done, 
except  to  give  a  big  heathen  name  to  what  had  been  the 
matter  with  him.  There  he  lay  on  the  bar-room  floor;  the' 
was  filth  an'  refuse  all  around  him,  but  the  smile  on  his 
face  was  just  plumb  satisfied,  an'  yet  it  was  a  knowledgeable 
smile  too.  I  could  'a'  cried  when  I  thought  that  this  man, 
who  could  have  told  little  Barbie  what  she  wanted  to  know, 
had  wasted  all  that  time  tryin'  to  convince  me  that  business 
an'  stealin'  was  all  one.  What  he  knew  would  n't  do  him  a 
mite  o'  good,  wherever  he  was ;  an'  yet  the'  was  n't  any  way 
on  earth  to  bring  him  back  long  enough  to  have  him  tell  it. 

They  told  me  his  name  was  Sandy  Fergoson,  an'  that  he 
was  harmless  crazy.  He  used  to  float  around  doin'  odd 
jobs  an'  talkin'  nonsense  about  stealin' ;  but  nobody  knew 
where  he  had  come  from,  so  I  chipped  in  a  little  something 


164  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

to  help  bury  him,  an'  gave  up  the  rest  of  my  money  for  a 
ticket  to  Frisco. 

I  did  n't  enjoy  that  trip  to  Frisco;  business  did  n't  seem  so 
attractive  when  you  once  set  out  to  find  her,  an'  then  again, 
I  was  broke.  I  don't  mind  bein'  broke  when  I  'm  on  the 
range  'cause  a  feller  can  pick  up  a  job  anywhere;  but  I 
was  n't  city-wise,  an'  I  did  n't  know  how  long  it  would  take 
me  to  track  down  the  kind  o'  business  I  wanted  to  engage  in. 

I  suppose  cities  must  suit  some  folks,  or  they  would  n't 
keep  on  livin'  in  'em ;  but  cities  sure  don't  suit  me.  I  allus 
had  a  kind  of  an  idea  from  what  Slocum  had  told  me  that 
I  'd  enjoy  the  bankin'  business,  so  I  applied  to  the  banks 
first.  They  're  a  blame  offish  set,  bankers.  They  did  n't 
laugh  at  me,  —  leastwise  not  until  after  I  'd  gone  out,  — 
but  they  did  n't  offer  much  encouragement.  I  tramped 
around  that  city  for  four  days,  an'  by  the  time  I  finally  got 
located  in  business  my  appetite  was  tearin'  around  inside 
my  empty  body  till  I  couldn't  sleep  nights.  Oh,  it  was 
not  joyful !  I  had  taken  the  position  of  porter  in  a  mammoth 
big  drygoods  store,  an'  I  was  some  glad  when  noon  arrived ; 
but  no  one  called  me  to  partake  of  dinner,  so  I  went  up  to 
a  young  lad,  an'  sez,  "  Where  do  they  spread  it  ?  " 

"Spread  what?"  sez  he. 

"  Dinner,"  sez  I. 

"  I  bring  mine  with  me,"  sez  he. 

"  Is  the  grub  that  rotten  ?  "  sez  I. 

"What  grub?"  sez  he.  "You  surely  don't  think  they 
serve  meals  here,  do  you  ?  " 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  I  got  to  find  myself, 
out  of  forty  a  month  ?  "  sez  I. 

He  started  to  make  up  a  joke,  but  I  looked  too  famished 
to  trifle  with;  so  he  explained  to  me  that  all  we  got  was 


Happy 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         165 

wages,  an'  we  could  n't  even  sleep  in  the  store.  I  was  gettin' 
purty  disgusted  with  business,  but  he  told  me  that  the  man 
what  owned  the  whole  store  had  started  in  as  a  porter;  so 
I  went  back  an'  portered  harder  than  ever  that  afternoon, 
wonderin'  what  in  thunder  kind  of  a  man  it  was  who  could 
save  enough  out  of  a  porter's  wages  to  buy  a  store  like 
that.  I  was  dressed  some  different  from  the  rest  o'  the 
folks  around  there,  so  I  attracted  a  lot  of  attention,  an' 
the'  was  n't  much  I  did  that  was  n't  enjoyed  by  more  or 
less  of  a  crowd.  When  quittin'  time  came  I  hustled  up  to 
the  feller  what  had  hired  me  an'  told  him  I  'd  like  to  have  my 
day's  pay.  "  We  don't  pay  until  Saturday  night,"  sez  he, 
hustlin'  out  o'  the  store.  I  stood  on  the  sidewalk  thinkin'; 
an'  what  I  was  thinkin'  of,  was  the  nonsense  'at  Sandy 
Fergoson  had  been  talkin'.  It  did  n't  sound  so  foolish  now. 

The'  was  a  little  restaurant  across  the  street,  an'  the 
owner  of  it  had  noticed  me  washin'  the  windows  —  he  had 
seemed  to  enjoy  it  too.  I  went  over  an'  told  him  that  I  would 
like  to  board  with  him  if  he  would  make  me  rates.  He 
sized  me  up  an'  sez  he  would  board  me  for  six  dollars  a 
week.  I  did  n't  see  how  I  could  save  enough  to  buy  a  store 
out  of  four  dollars  a  week,  an'  after  I  got  tired  o'  seein' 
the  sights  I  'd  have  to  rent  a  bed  somewheres  too ;  but 
what  I  needed  then  was  food,  so  I  agreed. 

I  sat  down  an'  begun  to  eat  slow,  'cause  it 's  always  best 
to  warm  up  careful  on  a  long  job.  I  et  away  peaceful  an' 
contented  until  I  got  good  an'  used  to  it  again,  an'  then 
I  kept  the  waiters  hoppin'  purty  lively.  The  proprietor 
took  a  deep  interest  in  me,  an'  dodged  around  so  he  could 
have  an  unobstructed  view;  while  the  rest  of  the  guests 
got  to  noticin'  too,  an'  when  they  'd  finish  they  'd  just 
stick  around  an'  keep  cases,  until  after  a  whiJe  things  be- 


1 66  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

gan  to  jam,  an'  every  time  I  'd  order  in  some  new  food 
they  'd  make  bets  on  whether  I  'd  be  able  to  finish  it  or 
not.  When  I  finally  quit,  the  proprietor  came  up  to  me 
on  a  run  an'  sez,  "Are  you  sure  you  have  had  all  you 
wish?" 

"  Yes/'  I  sez,  "  an'  I  ain't  no  fault  to  find  with  the  cookin' 
either." 

He  eyed  me  all  over,  an'  then  he  drew  me  to  one  side. 
"  I  don't  want  to  go  back  on  my  word,"  sez  he,  "  an'  I  don't 
intend  to  charge  you  a  cent  for  this  meal ;  but  Great  Scott, 
man,  I  would  n't  board  you  for  six  dollars  a  day,  let  alone 
six  dollars  a  week." 

I  did  n't  intend  to  let  him  know  that  I  was  stone  broke, 
'cause  it  did  n't  seem  the  thing  in  a  business  man ;  but  I  did 
tell  him  that  I  hardly  ever  et  quite  so  much  as  I  had  that 
night.  Still,  he  would  n't  take  any  chances,  so  I  took  my 
blankets  an'  went  on.  I  was  purty  sleepy  after  my  meal, 
an'  it  was  just  all  I  could  do  to  stagger  up  an'  down  the 
hills,  before  I  found  a  place  to  flop  in.  It  was  under  a 
little  tree  in  a  big  yard,  an'  I  got  out  at  sun-up  'cause  I  did  n't 
want  any  one  to  see  a  business  man  occupyin'  such  quarters 
as  that.  I  did  n't  miss  breakfast  much  that  day,  an'  I 
went  about  my  work  singin'  an'  whistlin'.  Just  before  noon 
I  found  a  hundred  dollars  on  the  floor  close  to  the  door. 

I  asked  every  one  around  if  they  had  lost  any  money,  an' 
most  of  'em  said  no,  an'  them  what  had  lost  any  —  an' 
the'  was  a  purty  high  average  that  mornin'  —  had  all  lost 
the  wrong  amount,  or  else  it  was  in  a  different  kind  of  a 
sack;  so  I  knocked  off  at  noon,  went  to  a  new  restaurant, 
an'  et  a  fair  meal,  which  they  charged  me  one  dollar  for. 
I  thought  that  was  goin'  a  little  stout  for  a  porter,  but  I 
knew  I  'd  find  a  place  where  I  could  live  on  my  income  as 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         167 

soon  as  I  got  better  acquainted,  an'  I  was  purty  light-hearted 
when  I  got  back  that  noon. 

i(  You  're  nineteen  minutes  late,"  sez  the  floor  boss. 

"  Is  that  so ;   what 's  happened  ?  "  sez  I,  pleasantly. 

"  You  are  not  supposed  to  take  more  than  an  hour  for 
lunch,"  sez  he. 

"  Well,  you  can  just  take  the  nineteen  minutes  out  of 
the  time  I  saved  up  yesterday,"  sez  I. 

"  You  must  understand  right  at  the  start  that  business 
depends  on  method,"  sez  he,  sour  like.  "  Mr.  Hailsworth 
wishes  to  see  you  at  once." 

Hailsworth  was  the  capital  letter  o'  that  outfit,  an'  I  was 
glad  o'  the  chance  to  see  him,  'cause  the'  was  some  several 
changes  I  wanted  to  make  in  the  porterin'  department.  I 
follered  the  floor  boss  upstairs  an'  back  to  a  private  room, 
where  a  little  wizen-faced  old  man  sat  up  an'  looked  at  me 
over  his  spectacles.  "  I  understand  you  found  some  money  ?  " 
sez  he. 

"  I  did,"  sez  I.    "  Do  you  know  who  lost  it  ?  " 

"  Well,  no,  not  yet,"  sez  he ;  "  but  of  course  you  under 
stand  that  any  money  that  is  found  in  this  building  belongs 
to  the  firm,  unless  its  rightful  owner  claims  it." 

"Well  that's  a  new  wrinkle"  sez  I.  "Why  don't  it 
belong  to  me  ?  " 

'  'Cause  you  have  hired  your  time  to  me,  an'  whatever  you 
find  here  you  find  in  my  time,  so  it 's  mine.  This  is  the 
law,  an'  I  am  very  busy.  Just  hand  it  over  at  once." 

'  That  ain't  right,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  don't  intend  to  hand  over 
a  nickle  of  it." 

'  Then  we  '11  have  to  arrest  you,"  sez  he.  I  put  my  hand 
down  to  my  leg,  but  both  my  guns  was  rolled  up  in  my 
blankets.  "  I  'm  goin'  out  to  see  a  lawyer,"  sez  I,  thinkin' 


i68  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

that  would  be  more  business-like  than  to  tell  him  I  'd  blow 
the  top  of  his  head  off.  The'  was  lots  more  things  I  wanted 
to  tell  him,  but  it  took  most  o'  my  strength  to  manage  my 
self-control;  an'  I  allus  like  to  have  good  footin'  when  I 
make  my  spring.  I  did  n't  feel  at  home,  either,  an'  that 's 
a  heap.  It  kind  o'  got  on  my  nerves  to  see  that  little  shrimp 
squattin'  there  behind  his  spectacles  an'  tellin'  me  what  I 
had  to  do,  the  same  as  if  I  was  a  hoss.  I  turned  on  my  heel 
and  strode  out  o'  that  store  head  up  an'  I  was  some  glad  that 
Hammy  had  taught  me  what  strodin'  was,  'cause  the  rest  o' 
the  gang  opened  up  a  path  you  could  'a'  drove  a  street- 
sprinkler  through. 

I  did  n't  like  the  looks  o'  that  lawyer,  he  reminded  me  of 
a  rat.  I  don't  care  much  for  the  law  anyhow.  All  the  law 
is  fit  for  is  to  take  care  o'  the  weak  an'  the  ignorant  —  an' 
they  can't  afford  it.  I  've  noticed  that  much,  the  little  time 
I  Ve  been  penned  up  in  cities.  This  lawyer  o'  mine  had  full 
command  o'  the  kind  o'  talk  that  bottles  up  a  man  an'  keeps 
him  from  expressin'  himself.  He  said  I  had  a  good  case 
an'  that  he  would  save  me  my  findin's,  but  that  I  had  to 
give  him  half  of  it  for  his  services  —  in  advance.  If  you 
don't  tell  a  lawyer  the  truth  he  can't  fight  your  case;  an' 
if  you  do  you  put  yourself  in  his  power.  Course  I  don't 
claim  to  be  authority,  but  I  just  actually  don't  like  the  law. 

When  I  came  away  from  the  law  office,  a  nice  friendly 
feller  got  into  conversation  with  me,  an'  after  I  'd  bought 
him  a  couple  o'  drinks,  he  grew  confidential  an'  told  me 
his  troubles.  He  was  owner  of  a  whole  block  of  buildin's  an' 
a  lot  o'  residence  houses,  but  he  was  stone  broke.  He  had 
had  a  quarrel  with  the  banks,  an'  could  n't  raise  a  penny, 
an'  he  had  lost  ten  thousand  dollars  the  night  before,  gam- 
blin'.  He  said  it  would  take  forty  dollars  for  him  to  go  to 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         169 

Los  Angeles,  where  he  had  friends  who  would  lend  him  any 
amount.  Otherwise  they  would  foreclose  the  little  mortgage 
he  had  on  the  business  block. 

He  talked  along  until  I  could  n't  stand  it  any  longer,  so 
I  give  him  the  forty  on  the  condition  that  I  was  to  be  his 
collecting  agent  at  wages  of  two  hundred  a  month,  as  soon 
as  he  got  back  from  Los  Angeles. 

I  went  down  to  the  station  with  him  and  then  I  hunted 
up  a  place  where  I  took  board  and  lodging  for  a  week  at 
six  dollars  in  advance.  This  left  me  purt'  nigh  two  dollars 
to  go  on  until  the  real  estate  owner  got  back.  I  called 
around  at  my  lawyer's  every  day,  an'  he  told  me  just  to 
lay  low  an'  he  'd  keep  me  out  o'  trouble.  When  the  sixth 
day  arrived  without  the  real  estate  owner,  I  told  the  lawyer 
about  it  an'  asked  him  if  he  thought  anything  might  have 
happened.  He  got  awful  mad  an'  said  he  'd  ought  to  be 
kicked  for  not  chargin'  me  ninety-five  dollars  for  his  services 
in  the  first  place ;  an'  by  Jinks  that  was  the  truth :  that  ras 
cally  real-estate  owner  was  n't  nothing  but  a  flim-flammer. 

At  first  I  could  n't  believe  that  the  block  he  had  showed 
me  over  did  n't  belong  to  him ;  but  when  I  did  I  was  ready  to 
wreak  vengeance.  The  lawyer  said  that  wreakin'  vengeance 
was  n't  a  thing  that  paid  in  city  life,  but  that  if  I  ever  met  up 
with  that  flim-flammer  I  could  scare  a  lot  of  money  out  of 
him.  My  lawyer  was  a  purty  good  sort  of  a  feller,  after 
all,  an'  he  gave  me  a  lot  of  high-class  advice.  He  told 
me  that  it  might  be  years  before  my  case  came  up,  an'  that 
the'  was  n't  any  use  of  me  waitin'  around  for  it.  Then  he 
talked  about  business,  an'  he  an'  Sandy  Fergoson  had  about 
the  same  ideas  of  it,  though  they  used  different  words.  He 
told  me  that  it  was  all  right  for  a  boy  to  start  in  in  some 
old  business  an'  learn  the  trade,  but  that  the  thing  for  a 


170  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

man  to  do  was  to  get  a  start  in  a  smaller  town,  an'  then 
after  he  'd  learned  the  ropes  to  come  to  the  big  town  an* 
cut  things  wide  open. 

The  more  I  thought  over  this  the  better  it  looked  to  me; 
but  I  hardly  knew  where  to  start  in.  Then  the  thought 
struck  me  that  about  the  best  business  move  I  could  make 
was  to  go  to  Los  Angeles  an'  scare  enough  money  out  of 
the  flim-flammer  to  give  me  a  good  start  in  some  little 
business  of  my  own.  My  board  bein'  out  an'  my  cash  bein' 
likewise,  I  had  to  travel  on  foot ;  but  as  my  back  was  pointed 
toward  Frisco,  I  did  n't  mind  that  much. 

I  trudged  along  for  several  days,  an'  the'  was  enough 
people  along  the  line  to  welcome  me  to  my  meals,  so  I 
begun  to  get  more  resigned  to  bein'  a  human  again.  The 
farther  I  got  from  Frisco  the  nearer  I  got  to  Los  Angeles,  an' 
though  I  was  some  anxious  to  meet  up  with  the  flim-flammer, 
I  finally  began  to  doubt  if  he  was  worth  the  bother,  an' 
besides,  he  might  not  be  there  anyway. 

I  was  beginnin'  to  get  good  an'  sick  of  business;  an'  I 
was  more  than  convinced  that  gettin'  a  feller's  own  consent 
to  engage  in  it  was  n't  the  hardest  step  he  'd  ever  have  to 
take.  Wayside  friends  was  beginnin'  to  get  mighty  scarce, 
an'  I  was  feelin'  lonesome  above  the  average  one  mornin', 
when  I  came  to  a  pause  in  front  of  one  o'  these  little  six- 
acre  ranches  where  they  raise  lawn  grass  an'  fresh  air. 

It  was  a  purty,  restful  sort  of  a  place,  with  a  double  row 
of  trees  leadin'  up  to  the  house,  an'  somethin'  seemed  to  be 
drawin'  me  in  at  the  front  gate,  although  I  could  n't  smell 
any  food  cookin',  either.  I  only  waited  about  a  minute,  an' 
then  I  followed  the  draw. 

I  'm  a  firm  believer  in  Fate.  Fate  is  a  funny  word :  leave 
the  first  letter  off,  an'  it 's  the  cause ;  leave  the  last  letter  off, 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS         171 

Barbie  found  this  out  one  night  when 
we  was  discussin'  Fate.  But  I  mean  the  sober  side  o'  Fate, 
when  I  say  I  believe  in  it.  A  train  starts  out  o'  New  York 
city  just  the  same  time  that  a  fool  cow  puncher  ropes  a 
pony  so  he  can  ride  to  town  for  a  big  time.  The  puncher 
reaches  the  washed-out  railroad  bridge  five  minutes  before 
the  train  —  what  do  you  call  that? 

I  was  thinkin'  o'  these  things  while  I  was  walkin'  up  the 
drive-way;  an'  when  I  raised  up  my  hand  to  knock,  I  felt 
just  as  if  I  'd  been  sent  for. 


CHAPTER   FOURTEEN 

THE   CHINESE  QUESTION 

IT  happened  just  like  I  thought  it  would.  I  had  n't  more 
than  struck  the  fourth  or  fifth  tap  before  the  door  was 
opened  by  the  finest  little  woman  you  ever  saw.  She  had  a 
worried  look  on  her  face,  but  when  she  saw  me  the  clouds 
rolled  away  an'  she  smiled  clear  into  my  heart.  She  was 
a  real  lady  —  it  stuck  out  all  over  her,  like  a  keep-off-the- 
grass  sign. 

"  Are  you  the  man  ?  "  sez  she. 

"  Well,  I  'm  one  of  'em,"  sez  I. 

"  You  know  I  sent  clear  to  San  Francisco  for  a  man," 
sez  she,  "  an'  I  suppose  you  're  the  man." 

"  To  tell  you  the  honest  truth,"  sez  I,  "  I  was  so  pre 
occupied  in  Frisco  that  I  clean  forgot  to  stop  around  for 
my  mail,  but  as  long  as  we  're  conversin'  on  this  subject,  I  '11 
just  be  bold  enough  to  say  'at  I  '11  take  the  job,  without 
askin'  what  it  is." 

"  Have  you  had  a  wide  experience  ?  "  sez  she. 

"  Wide?  "  sez  I.  "  Wide,  only  just  begins  to  give  you  a 
hint  at  it.  I  ain't  filled  with  the  lust  of  vanity,  nor  I  ain't 
overly  much  given  to  tootin'  my  own  horn ;  but  in  my  humble 
an'  modest  way  I  guarantee  to  be  able  to  do  anything  on 
this  good,  green  earth  'at  don't  require  a  book  edication." 

"  Can  I  trust  you  ?  "  sez  she,  lookin'  into  my  face  mighty 
searchin'. 

"  If  you  sell  me  anything,"  sez  I,  smilin'  as  near  like  a 
baby  as  I  could,  "you'll  have  to  trust  me,  'cause  I'm 
dead  broke." 


THE    CHINESE     QUESTION      173 

She  just  stood  an'  looked  in  through  my  face;  an'  I  tell 
ya,  boys,  I  was  mighty  glad  that  in  all  this  rip-snortin' 
world  the'  was  n't  one  single  woman  who  could  rise  up  an' 
say  that  I  had  n't  played  fair.  She  kept  on  lookin'  into  me, 
until  I  knew  she  was  readin'  everything  I  had  ever  done  or 
said  or  thought,  an'  the  sweat  was  tricklin'  down  my  back 
like  meltin'  snow. 

"  Yes,"  she  sez  finally,  "  I  can  trust  you." 

"  Don't  you  never  doubt  it,"  sez  I.  "  All  you  need  to  do 
is  to  issue  the  orders,  an'  if  I  don't  carry  'em  out,  why,  just 
tell  the  folks  not  to  send  flowers.  I  ain't  long  on  talk, 
but  I  '11  agree  to  carry  out  any  plan  you  've  got,  from  ditchin' 
a  limited  to  shootin'  up  a  Methodist  Church.  That 's  me," 
sez  I,  "  an'  now  let 's  have  the  news." 

Talk  about  bein'  surprised!  I  thought  she  had  a  fence 
war  on  her  hands  at  the  least;  but  what  she  wanted  me  to 
do  was  to  take  care  of  a  gentle  old  pair  o'  hosses,  milk  a  cow, 
tend  a  garden,  cut  the  grass,  an'  help  around  the  house. 

By  the  time  she  finished  the  program,  I  felt  like  a  fightin' 
bulldog  when  a  week-old  kitten  spits  at  him.  Here  I  was, 
willin'  to  leave  my  hide  tacked  up  on  her  barn,  an'  all  she 
wanted  was  a  kind  of  lady-gardener.  I  just  sort  o'  wilted 
down  on  the  steps,  an'  I  must  'a'  turned  pale,  'cause  she 
said  to  me,  "  Why,  you  must  be  hungry.  Have  n't  you  had 
your  breakfast  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,"  sez  I,  "  day  before  yesterday." 

Then  she  begun  to  rustle  about  an'  fix  me  up  a  snack,  an'  I 
was  glad  I  had  followed  the  finger  o'  Fate.  The  bill  o' 
fare  seemed  altogether  adapted  to  my  disposition. 

While  I  was  fillin'  up  the  chinks  an'  crevices,  she  dealt 
out  a  varigated  assortment  of  facts.  It  seemed  they  lived 
there  on  account  o'  the  health  o'  the  baby.  Her  husband 


174  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

had  had  to  go  East,  an'  would  be  there  some  six  weeks 
longer.  When  he  had  left,  she  had  an  Irish  cook,  an'  a 
Chinaman  as  polite  as  an  insurance  agent ;  but  as  soon  as  he 
was  gone,  the  Chink  began  to  take  liberties,  the  cook  packed 
up  her  brogue  an'  headed  for  an  inhabited  community,  an' 
then  the  Chink  concluded  that  all  he  saw  was  his  'n.  She 
finally  took  a  brace  a'  told  him  to  hit  the  trail,  an'  he  had 
gone  off,  vowin'  to  come  back  an'  burn  down  the  whole  place. 
This  was  her  first  year  there,  an'  the  closest  neighbor  was 
seven  miles  across  country,  an'  not  well  acquainted. 

She  expected  her  cousin  in  a  week  or  so,  but  as  it  was,  she 
was  beginnin'  to  have  trouble  with  her  nerves.  Then  I 
was  glad  that  I  had  made  her  my  little  openin'  address, 
'cause  she  had  joy  fulled  up  like  a  desert  poney  when  he 
smells  water. 

Well,  I  put  in  a  rich  an'  useful  day,  as  the  preacher  sez. 
First,  I  rode  one  o'  the  veterans  over  to  the  station  about 
ten  miles  away,  an  telegraphed  the  other  man  not  to  bother ; 
then  I  came  back  an'  wed  the  onions,  washed  the  dishes, 
ran  the  washin'  machine  —  say,  I  was  bein'  entertained  all 
right,  but  every  minute  I  felt  like  reachin'  to  see  if  my 
back  hair  was  n't  comin'  down. 

Me  an'  the  cow  had  the  time  of  our  life  that  night.  She 
had  missed  a  couple  o'  milkin's,  an'  did  n't  seem  to  care 
much  about  resumin'  payment;  so  I  finally  had  to  rope  an' 
tie  her,  an'  milk  up  hill  into  a  fruit-jar.  Talk  about  bein' 
handy  ?  I  did  n't  know  but  what  next  day  I  'd  be  doin' 
some  plain  sewin',  or  tuckin'  the  crust  around  a  vinegar  pie. 

That  night  after  supper  she  put  the  kid  to  bed  an'  then 
came  down,  an'  we  went  around  nailin'  the  house  up.  Fi 
nally  she  showed  me  where  to  flop.  It  was  in  her  husband's 
cave,  I  believe  she  called  it  —  a  little  room  full  o'  books  an' 


THE    CHINESE     QUESTION      175 

pipes  an'  resty-lookin'  furniture.  The'  was  a  big  leather 
bunk,  an'  that  was  where  I  was  to  get  mine.  Her  room  was 
at  the  head  of  the  stairs,  an'  she  had  a  rope  goin'  over  the 
transom  with  a  bell  hangin'  to  it,  close  in  front  of  my  door. 
The  bell  was  to  be  my  signal  if  she  heard  the  Chink  attack 
before  I  did.  Just  before  she  went  upstairs  she  reached 
into  the  bosom  of  her  dress  an'  fished  out  a  real  revolver, 
about  the  size  of  a  watch-charm.  She  held  it  in  her  hand 
and  looked  into  my  eyes  with  her  lips  tight  set. 

"Are  the  mosquitoes  as  bad  as  that?"  sez  I. 

"  I  carry  this  all  the  time,  to  defend  myself  an'  child," 
sez  she,  rufflin'  up  like  a  hen  when  you  pick  up  her  chicken, 
an'  she  was  so  earnest  about  it  that  I  nearly  choked,  swaller- 
in'  a  grin ;  'cause  honest,  I  could  'a'  snuffed  the  thing  up  my 
nose. 

I  pulled  a  long  face  an'  sez  to  her  as  solemn  as  a  judge, 
"  Is  there  enough  food  and  water  in  the  house  to  stand  a 
siege,  in  case  the  Chinaman  'd  pen  us  up  ?  "  Her  face  grew 
drawn  an'  worried  until  she  caught  the  twinkle  in  my  eye, 
an'  then  she  broke  into  a  smile  an'  tripped  upstairs  like  a 
girl.  I  stood  out  in  the  hall  a  moment  lookin'  after  her 
an'  I  was  mighty  glad  I  had  come.  We  was  both  in  need 
of  company ;  her  mind  was  a  heap  easier  than  it  had  been 
that  mornin',  an'  I  felt  better  than  I  had  for  some  several 
days.  I  could  n't  see  where  Sandy  Fergoson  had  told  me 
anything  that  would  get  me  any  nearer  what  Barbie  wanted 
to  know ;  an'  yet  I  could  n't  keep  my  mind  off  studyin' 
over  it,  except  when  I  was  busy.  It  was  the  same  with  Bill 
Andrews,  an'  I  was  glad  to  have  some  one  new  to  worry 
over  until  I  got  tuned  up  again. 

As  soon  as  she  shut  an'  locked  her  door,  I  backed  into  my 
stall  an'  looked  about.  The'  was  some  invitin'  lookin'  books 


176  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

on  the  wall,  an'  I  read  over  the  titles,  finally  selectin'  one 
called,  "  The  Ten  Years'  Conflict."  Now,  if  ever  the'  was  a 
name  framed  up  to  deceive  the  innocent,  this  here  was  the 
name.  I  opened  the  book  with  my  mouth  waterin',  thinkin'  I 
was  about  to  wade  through  two  volumes  of  gore ;  but  it 
started  out  to  tell  about  the  Church  of  Scotland,  an'  I  was  n't 
able  to  keep  awake  to  even  the  beginnin'  of  the  scrap ;  so  I 
started  to  prepare  myself  for  the  morrow's  duties,  as  the 
preacher  sez. 

After  I  had  opened  my  roll  an'  took  out  my  guns,  so  I 
could  show  'em  to  her  in  the  mornin'  an'  sort  o'  cheer  her 
up,  I  shed  my  boots  an'  proceeded  to  occupy  my  bunk. 
Say,  it  was  like  floppin'  down  on  a  tubful  o'  suds.  Springs ! 
Well,  you  should  have  seen  Uncle  Happy  bouncin'  up  an' 
down.  I  reckon  I  went  to  sleep  in  mid-air,  'cause  I  was  too 
tired  to  remember  whether  I  was  a  husky  maid  or  a  tender 
man. 

When  I  came  to,  I  thought  it  must  sure  be  the  last  day, 
an'  that  I  had  waited  for  the  very  last  call.  The  dinner- 
bell  was  a-knockin'  all  the  echoes  in  the  house  loose  an' 
they  was  fallin'  on  my  ear-drums  in  bunches.  I  rushed  out 
into  the  hall  an'  grabbed  that  bell  by  the  tongue,  an'  give  a 
yell  to  let  her  know  that  I  was  ready  for  orders.  She  opened 
the  door  an'  came  to  the  head  of  the  stairs,  an'  sez,  "  Hush- 
shh  !  Don't  make  any  noise." 

"  Noise !  "  sez  I.  "  The'  ain't  any  left.  You  used  up  all 
the  raw  material.  What  seems  to  be  wrong  ?  " 

"  Fido  has  just  been  growlin',"  sez  she,  in  a  low  whisper, 
"  an'  I  heard  a  noise  out  in  the  bushes." 

"What  shall  I  do?"  sez  I.  "Come  up  there  an'  toss 
Fido  out  into  the  bushes,  so  as  to  kill  two  birds  with  one 
stone?" 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     177 

"  No,"  sez  she.  "If  you  are  willin'  to  take  the  risk,  I 
wish  that  you  would  go  out  the  front  door  an'  lock  it  after 
you.  Then  look  around  careful  and  see  if  he  is  settin'  fire 
to  the  house.  Take  my  revolver  an'  Fido,  an'  do  be  careful 
not  to  get  hurt  —  an'  don't  kill  him  unless  you  have  to." 

"  I  won't  kill  him  unless  I  see  him,  an'  he  won't  hurt  me 
unless  he  sees  me  first,"  sez  I.  "  You  better  keep  Fido  an" 
the  gun.  I  don't  want  to  be  bothered  with  a  couple  o'  non- 
combatants." 

Fido  was  a  little  black  woolly- faced  dog,  an'  he  didn't 
impress  me  as  bein'  no  old  Injun-fighter.  I  went  out  an' 
chased  a  cat  out  o'  the  bushes ;  but  did  n't  flush  up  a  single 
thing  wantin'  to  disturb  the  peace,  except  the  goat.  He 
was  the  most  frolicsome  goat  I  ever  see,  an'  he  about  got 
my  tag  before  I  heard  him  comin'.  I  rummaged  the  place 
purty  thorough,  an'  after  tellin'  her  that  all  was  well,  I 
folded  my  wings  an'  went  to  roost  on  the  leather  bunk  again. 

Twice  more  that  night  the  clanging  bell  summoned  me  to 
go  forth  an'  chase  imaginary  Chinamen,  an'  then  my  patience 
begun  to  get  baggy  at  the  knees.  I  wanted  to  be  up  in  time 
to  gather  the  milk  before  the  heat  of  the  day,  an'  I  was  a 
couple  o'  nights  shy  on  my  sleep  already.  The  last  time  I 
took  Fido  along  an'  dropped  him  into  the  feed-bin,  where  he 
could  hunt  Chinamen  to  his  heart's  content  'thout  disturbin' 
my  beauty  sleep. 

Our  days  flowed  along  smooth  an'  peaceful;  but  most  o' 
the  nights  I  put  in  huntin'  Chinamen.  No,  I  wouldn't 
have  killed  one  if  I  could  have  found  him  —  well,  not  all 
at  once.  I  got  so  I  could  churn  an'  dust  an'  do  fancy  cookin', 
until  if  they  'd  been  any  men  in  that  locality,  I  reckon  one 
would  have  chose  me  to  be  his  wife  —  an'  then  came  the 
cousin. 

12 


178  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

She  'd  been  tellin'  me  all  about  him  —  it 's  miraculous  the 
way  a  woman's  talk  '11  flow  after  it 's  been  dammed  up  a 
spell.  He  was  from  Virginie  an'  was  goin'  to  college  to 
study  chemistry,  whatever  that  is;  an'  he  was  an  athlete 
an'  a  quarter-back  an'  a  coxswain  —  oh,  he  was  the  whole 
herd,  the  cousin  was.  I  begun  to  feel  shy  whenever  I 
thought  of  him.  I  feared  he  might  arrive  when  I  was 
peelin'  spuds  with  my  apron  on,  an'  he  might  choose  to 
kiss  me. 

I  drove  to  the  station  after  him;  but  nobody  got  off  the 
train  except  a  nice  lookin'  boy  with  outlandish  clothes,  an' 
a  couple  o'  trunks.  After  the  train  had  pulled  out,  he  sez 
to  me,  "  Can  you  tell  me  the  way  to  Mrs.  B.  A.  Cameron's  ?  " 

"  I  can  sight  you  purty  close,"  sez  I.  "  That 's  my  present 
headquarters.  You  —  you  ain't  Ralph  Chester  Stuart,  are 
ya?" 

"  You  win,"  sez  he,  as  though  we  had  made  mud-pies 
together.  "  Come  on,  let 's  load  the  trunks  an'  trip  toward 
where  ther'  's  a  noise  like  food.  I  'm  troubled  with  what 
they  call  a  famine." 

We  drove  along,  an'  he  was  as  merry  as  a  bug  an'  talked 
a  langwidge  the  like  of  nothin'  that  I  had  ever  met  up  with 
before ;  but  I  was  tryin'  to  fit  his  real  size  with  my  idee  of 
it.  I  had  been  lookin'  for  a  six-footer  with  bulgy  muscles 
an'  a  grippy  jaw.  This  pink-cheeked  boy  didn't  look  like 
no  athlete  to  me.  He  was  so  cute  an'  sweet  that  I  felt 
like  hangin'  a  string  o'  coral  beads  around  his  neck  an' 
savin'  him  for  my  adopted  daughter.  I  had  just  concluded 
to  hand  over  the  dish-washin'  right  at  the  start,  when  he 
fished  up  a  pipe  out  of  a  case,  filled  it,  an'  begun  to  puff 
like  a  grown-up,  an'  then  I  savvied  that  dish-washin'  was  n't 
one  of  his  hobbies. 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     179 

"  Any  sport  here?  "  sez  he. 

"If  you  're  good  at  dreamin,"  sez  I,  "  you  can  have  the 
time  of  your  life  huntin'  Chinamen.  I  never  see  a  place 
yet  where  the  huntin'  was  so  plentiful  an'  the  game  so 
scarce." 

He  got  interested  in  a  minute  an'  told  me  he  had  a  shotgun, 
a  rifle,  an'  three  revolvers. 

"  I  wish  I  could  write  Chinese,"  sez  I. 

"What  for?"  sez  he. 

"  So  I  could  put  up  a  sign  warnin'  him  away,"  sez  I. 
"  Why,  if  we  'd  all  three  get  a  chance  at  that  Chinaman, 
it  'd  take  me  a  solid  week  to  clean  him  off  the  lawn." 

dies  an'  me  got  along  fine.  He  was  a  game  little  rooster, 
an'  his  college  stories  used  to  tickle  me  half  to  death.  I 
never  would  have  believed  that  a  little  feller  could  'a'  been  a 
college  athlete ;  but  Ches  had  got  his  pictures  in  the  papers, 
time  an'  again.  At  college  they  race  in  a  boat  about  the 
size  an'  shape  of  a  telegraph  pole,  eight  of  'em  rowin'  an' 
the  coxswain  perched  up  behind,  pickin'  out  the  path  an' 
tellin'  the  rowers  not  to  think  of  their  future,  but  to  kill 
theirselves  right  then  if  it  will  win  the  race.  Ches  sez  that 
the  coxswain  is  the  most  important  man  in  the  boat.  He 
had  a  good  deal  the  same  views  about  the  quarter-back, 
in  fact  he  took  what  they  call  a  purely  personal  estimate 
of  life. 

He  showed  me  how  to  play  football.  It 's  pleasant  pas 
time,  but  too  excitin'  for  a  frail  thing  like  me.  He  gave 
me  his  cap  to  carry,  an'  told  me  to  back  off  about  twenty 
feet,  an'  try  to  run  over  him,  or  stick  my  stiff-arm  in  his 
face  or  dodge  him  —  any  way  at  all  to  get  by.  I  backed  off 
an'  then  I  looked  at  him.  He  looked  about  as  hard  to  get  by 
as  a  toadstool. 


i8o  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Now,  Ches,  I  don't  want  to  have  your  blood  on  my 
head,"  I  sez,  "  an  if  you  've  just  been  jokin',  why  say  so." 

But  no,  nothin'  would  do  but  I  must  run  him  down.  I 
never  won  much  of  a  reputation  for  bein'  slow,  an'  I  weigh 
one  ninety  when  I  'm  ganted  down  to  workin'  trim.  I  took 
a  full  breath  an'  sailed  into  him.  I  intended  to  give  a  jump 
just  before  I  reached  him  an'  go  clear  over  his  head,  but  I 
lacked  the  time.  Just  as  I  took  my  jump  he  gave  a  lunge, 
wrapped  himself  about  my  lower  extremities,  an'  we  sailed 
up  among  the  tree-tops.  All  the  way  up  I  was  tryin'  to  figure 
out  how  it  happened ;  but  when  we  struck  the  earth  again, 
I  did  n't  care.  I  knew  it  would  never  happen  again.  I  'd 
shoot  first. 

We  lit  on  top  of  my  face  an'  whirled  around  a  few  times 
an'  then  sort  o'  crumbled  up  in  a  heap,  with  him  still  shuttin' 
off  the  circulation  in  my  legs.  "  Down !  "  sez  he,  "  an'  now 
the  ball  is  dead." 

"  I  can't  answer  for  the  ball,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  'm  about  as 
near  bein'  in  the  coffin  mood  myself  as  I  ever  get  at  this 
season  of  the  year.  What  game  did  you  say  we  was  in- 
dulgin'in?" 

"  This  is  football,"  sez  he. 

"  I  'm  glad  to  know  it,"  sez  I,  "  so  that  in  the  future  when 
any  one  issues  an  invitation  for  me  to  play  football  I  can 
make  arrangements  for  provin'  an  alibi.  If  I  had  to  play 
a  game  like  this  I  should  choose  to  be  the  ball." 

He  was  full  o'  little  ways  like  this  an'  entertained  me  fine ; 
but  it  was  mighty  hard  to  wring  any  useful  work  out  of 
him.  He  used  to  prune  the  rose  vines,  and  now  and  again 
he  'd  do  a  little  dustin' ;  but  once  when  I  had  to  bake  sour 
dough  bread,  I  pointed  out  that  the  garden  needed  weedin', 
an'  explained  to  him  just  what  effect  weedin'  had  on  garden 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     181 

truck.  He  sez  to  me,  "  My  motto  is,  '  Competition  results  in 
the  survival  of  the  fittest.'  I  ain't  no  Socialist."  When  I 
asked  him  what  this  bunch  of  words  meant,  he  told  me  that 
he  did  n't  know  of  any  exercise  'at  would  do  me  so  much 
good  as  learnin'  to  think  for  myself ;  an'  that 's  all  the 
satisfaction  I  could  get  out  of  him.  He  was  some  like  other 
edicated  persons  I  've  met  up  with :  when  you  tried  to  get 
him  to  do  something  useful,  he  'd  fall  back  on  his  book  knowl 
edge,  roll  out  a  string  of  high  steppin'  words,  an'  then  look 
prepossessed. 

He  was  good  about  one  thing,  though :  he  just  about  took 
the  night  trick  off  my  hands,  so  that  I  begun  catchin'  up 
with  my  sleep  again.  He  used  to  load  himself  down  with 
firearms  an'  he  and  Fido  would  hunt  Chinamen  two  or 
three  hours  every  night,  but  he  never  had  no  luck.  Several 
times  the  neighbors  rode  by  an'  they  told  us  that  the'  was  a 
gang  breakin'  into  houses  an'  stealin',  but  they  could  n't 
seem  to  get  any  track  of  'em. 

One  mornin'  I  was  tryin'  to  find  out  what  made  the 
sewin'  machine  drop  stitches,  when  he  came  runnin'  in  with 
his  eyes  stickin'  out  like  a  toad's. 

"  He  's  been  sleepin'  in  the  barn,"  sez  he. 

"  Who  —  the  horse  ?  "  sez  I,  thinkin'  it  was  one  of  his 
jokes. 

"  No,"  sez  he,  "  the  Chinaman." 

Well,  I  looked  at  him,  an'  he  explained  how  his  suspicions 
had  been  aroused,  an'  that  he  had  made  a  practice  of  stirrin' 
up  the  straw  each  evenin',  an'  then  each  mornin'  would  find 
the  print  of  a  man's  body;  but  that  he  had  put  tar  on  the 
ladder  without  gettin'  any  evidence. 

I  pricked  up  my  ears  at  this,  an'  turned  the  machine  out 
on  pasture  for  a  while.  We  went  to  the  barn,  an'  there, 


182  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

sure  enough,  was  the  print  of  a  man's  body.  Then  we 
adjourned  to  the  shade  to  hatch  up  a  sub-tile  plot.  We 
smoked  an'  hatched  until  it  was  time  for  me  to  go  in  an' 
help  with  dinner.  We  was  both  thinkin'  hard,  an'  finally 
I  sez,  "  Now,  Ches,  the  craftiest  thing  for  us  to  do,  is  for 
me  to  cover  up  in  the  straw,  an'  when  he  lays  down,  ex 
plode  my  gun  against  his  ribs."  He  had  pestered  me  a 
mighty  sight,  an'  I  never  was  partial  to  'em  nohow.  Ches 
never  made  any  reply ;  he  was  what  you  call  engrossed.  All 
of  a  sudden  he  leaps  to  his  feet  an'  slaps  me  on  the  shoulder. 

"  Happy,"  sez  he,  "  are  ya  game?  " 

I  looked  at  him  a  while,  an'  then  I  sez  gently,  "  Now  look 
here,  Mister,  I  ain't  no  hero,  an'  if  you  happen  to  have 
any  more  college  festivities  to  introduce,  why  I  '11  own  up 
to  a  yellow  streak  a  foot  wide;  but  I  don't  recollect  just  what 
day  it  was  that  any  livin'  man  accused  me  of  bein'  down 
right  pale-blooded.  If  you  got  any  hair-raisin'  projec' 
in  your  head,  don't  bother  to  break  it  gentle.  Just  tell  it 
right  out,  an'  I  '11  lean  up  against  this  tree,  so  as  not  to 
hurt  myself  should  I  faint." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  chucklin'  like  a  prairie-dog,  "  I  propose 
we  paint  up  the  goat  with  phosphorus,  put  him  in  the  barn, 
an'  me  an'  you  get  up  in  the  trees  to  watch." 

"  What 's  the  goat  done?  "  sez  I. 

"  The  goat  ain't  done  nothin',"  sez  he,  "  but  he  '11  scare  the 
Chink  to  death,  an'  when  he  comes  out  we  can  shoot  him 
in  the  leg  or  something." 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  it  won't  work.  The  Chink  knows  the 
goat  better  'n  we  do ;  an'  it  '11  be  the  goat  that  '11  come  out 
an'  get  shot  in  the  leg,  while  the  Chink  '11  get  away." 

"  Oh,  rats !  "  sez  Ches.    "  He  won't  even  know  it 's  a  goat. 
Can't  you  see  that?" 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     183 

"  Why  won't  he  know  it 's  a  goat  ?  "  I  sez,  gettin'  impatient. 
"  A  Chinaman  's  got  just  as  much  sense  as  a  human  being, 
an'  you  '11  find  it  out  sometime  too." 

"  Yes,  but  did  n't  I  tell  you  I  was  goin'  to  paint  him  with 
phosphorus  ?  "  sez  dies,  all  het  up. 

"  I  don't  know  what  phosphorus  is,"  sez  I,  "  but  you  '11 
have  to  do  a  master  job  of  painting  to  make  that  William 
goat  look  like  a  pinchin'-bug.  Still,  this  is  your  projec' 
an'  if  you  want  to  play  the  wheel  one  whirl,  why  I  '11  help 
stick  up  the  stake." 

I  was  busy  about  the  house  all  afternoon,  an'  Ches  kept 
himself  penned  up  in  his  labatory.  He  had  brought  out 
a  lot  of  stuff  in  cans  an'  bottles,  had  turned  the  woodshed 
into  what  he  called  a  labatory,  an'  spent  a  good  part  of  his 
time  there,  mixin'  up  peculiar  stenches.  They  used  to  smell 
something  frightful;  but  they  only  exploded  about  half 
the  time.  No  matter  what  they  did  do,  he  always  claimed 
that  it  was  just  exactly  what  he  intended ;  but  his  hands  was 
colored  up  constant  like  a  fried  egg,  an'  I  never  took  much 
joy  in  loafin'  about  the  woodshed. 

That  night  as  soon  as  I  had  my  dishes  washed  an'  the 
kitchen  red  up,  we  caught  the  goat  an'  took  him  to  the  barn. 
He  was  considerable  of  a  goat,  this  one  was,  with  horns  on 
him  a  foot  long  an'  a  fright  of  a  temper.  He  was  one  o' 
these  fellers  what  is  always  out  o'  humor,  only  sometimes 
farther  out  than  common.  Still,  me  with  my  rope,  an'  Ches 
with  his  football  habits,  was  one  too  many  for  Mr.  Goat ;  an' 
we  soon  had  him  up  in  the  haymow.  Then  I  passed  up  the 
can  o'  paint,  an'  took  a  stroll  around  to  see  that  no  one  had 
been  givin'  us  the  look-over. 

The  can  o'  paint  did  have  a  pretty  fierce  smell,  but  I  did  n't 
put  much  faith  in  it.  I  'd  been  in  opium  joints,  an'  I  knew 


1 84  HAPPYT    HAWKINS 

that  a  Chinaman  would  fatten  on  a  smell  'at  would  suffocate 
a  goat;  an'  when  it  comes  to  vigorous  an'  able-bodied 
odors,  a  billy-goat  ain't  no  tenderfoot  himself. 

After  a  time  Ches  came  down  with  a  heavenly  smile  on 
his  face,  so  I  knew  the  goat  had  n't  smothered  yet ;  an'  then 
we  went  into  the  house  an'  handled  the  lights  in  just  the 
regular  way;  but  when  the  time  came,  instead  of  goin'  to 
bed,  we  went  out  an'  cooned  up  a  big  tree,  about  on  a  level 
with  the  mow-window.  Ches  had  nailed  up  a  kind  of 
platform,  which  was  rickety  enough  to  keep  a  sensible  man 
on  the  watch ;  but  first  I  knew  he  was  wakin'  me  up.  He  had 
his  hand  over  my  mouth,  an'  whispered,  "  He  's  in  the  yard 
now." 

I  ain't  one  o'  them  what  yawns  an'  grunts  an'  stretches; 
I  wake  up  like  an  antelope  —  all  in  a  bunch. 

The'  was  a  little  rustlin'  back  in  some  bushes  over  by 
the  fence.  Then,  after  a  pause,  we  heard  a  queer  scratchin' 
noise.  He  was  climbin'  up  a  tree  at  the  back  o'  the  barn 
so  as  to  get  in  through  a  scuttle  in  the  roof.  'T  was  gettin' 
interesting  an'  I  got  out  my  guns  an'  held  'em  ready.  Ches 
had  a  whole  arsenal  spread  out  around  him,  an'  I  could 
easy  see  a  week's  work  ahead  of  me,  a-policin'  up  the 
premises. 

The  sky  was  just  literally  soggy  with  stars,  an'  you 
could  see  the  outline  of  things  purty  plain.  It  was  one  o' 
those  nights  when  everything  is  so  still  that  you  hear  with 
the  inside  of  your  head,  an'  any  little  real  noise  fair  puts  a 
crimp  in  ya. 

We  was  leanin'  on  the  rail  of  Ches's  platform,  when  all 
of  a  sudden  we  hear  the  greatest  jabberin'  ever  a  human  man 
heard.  A  goat  an'  a  Chinaman  speaks  the  same  langwidge, 
an'  goodness  only  knows  what  Billy  Buck  was  a-tellin'  him. 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     185 

but  the  tone  was  insistent  an'  the  effect  was  most  exhilaratin'. 
I  had  my  ears  stretched  out  to  catch  every  sound  —  an' 
sounds  was  n't  nowise  scarce  just  then.  Squeals  an'  groans, 
an'  wrastlin'  an'  blows,  kept  a  feller  all  keyed  up,  an'  we 
was  bitin'  our  lips  to  keep  from  laughin'  —  an'  then  it 
happened ! 

The  door  o'  that  mow  flew  open  as  though  it  was  struck 
by  eleven  engines,  a  dark  form  shot  out,  followed  by  two 
more  —  an'  then  the  devil,  himself,  poked  his  head  out 
through  that  haymow  window.  Talk  about  faces  —  Lord ! 
I  attended  a  ghost  dance  over  in  the  Sioux  country  oncet ;  y 
but  it  was  a  Sunday-school  picnic  alongside  the  face  that 
poked  its  way  out  of  that  door. 

The'  was  rings  of  fire  around  the  eyes,  nose,  an'  mouth, 
the  whiskers  was  one  long  waverin',  ghastly  flame,  an'  the 
horns  was  two  others.  The'  was  a  blue  gritchety  sort  o' 
smoke  curlin'  up  around  the  face,  an'  my  heart  laid  right 
down  in  its  tracks  an'  rolled  over  on  its  back.  I  only  saw 
that  face  a  second,  but  I  can  shut  my  eyes  an*  see  it  right 
now.  Gosh !  " 

I  ain't  much  superstitious,  'cept  when  I  'm  gamblin',  but 
of  course  I  know  the'  's  such  things  as  ghosts  an'  devils 
an'  sich,  an'  I  don't  take  no  liberties  with  'em.  I  screeched 
out,  "  Great  Scott !  what 's  that  ?  "  My  hands  shut  up 
voluntary,  both  my  guns  went  off  in  the  air,  the  rail  broke, 
an'  me  an'  Ches  sort  o'  chuck-lucked  to  the  ground.  We 
did  n't  miss  any  limbs  on  the  way  down,  nor  the  guns  did  n't 
neither.  Every  time  they  bumped  a  limb,  they  went  off, 
an'  it  sounded  like  Custer's  last  stand. 

We  were  n't  hurt  none,  an'  scrambled  to  our  feet  in  a 
second.  The'  was  an  awful  squawkin'  goin'  on  under  the 
haymow  window,  an'  that  horrible,  fire-faced  devil  seemed 


i86  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

to  be  eatin'  the  heads  off  the  Chinamen.  I  got  a  better 
view  of  it  this  time,  an'  I  see  it  was  one  o'  the  dragons  they 
worship.  It  made  me  feel  a  little  better,  'cause  I  didn't 
see  why  he  'd  have  any  grudge  against  a  Christian.  Still, 
I  was  n't  takin'  no  chances,  so  I  grabbed  Ches  by  the  arm 
an'  headed  for  the  kitchen  —  him  stickin'  his  heels  in  the 
ground  an'  callin'  me  coward.  I  thought  he  had  lost  his 
mind,  so  I  didn't  pay  any  heed  to  him. 

We  threw  ourselves  against  the  kitchen  door,  an'  I  ham 
mered  on  it  with  my  knuckles,  while  Ches  kicked  me  on  the 
shins  an'  tried  to  get  away.  Finally  Mrs.  Cameron  raised 
an  upstairs  window  an'  began  shootin'  with  her  bean-blower. 
I  've  no  idy  what  she  was  shootin'  at ;  but  she  hit  me  twice 
in  the  boot-leg,  an'  blame  if  it  did  n't  sting  like  a  whip. 

Ches  jerked  loose  while  I  was  rubbin'  the  sore  spot,  an* 
as  I  glanced  up  I  saw  the  three  dark  forms  comin'  after  us, 
followed  close  by  the  devil-dragon,  his  face  fairly  drippin' 
with  liquid  fire.  The  whole  bunch  of  'em  looked  outrageous 
big,  an'  I  felt  about  as  massive  an'  forceful  as  an  angle 
worm  ;  but  at  that,  I  managed  to  open  the  celler  door,  an* 
tried  to  get  Ches  to  come  in  too.  "  Ches,"  I  whispered,  for 
I  had  n't  strength  enough  to  yell,  "  Ches,  come  on  in  an' 
save  yourself;  "  but  he  never  gave  no  heed.  He  just  stood 
crouching  over  in  the  shadow  while  they  headed  for  him, 
devil-dragon  an'  all. 

I  wanted  to  crawl  into  the  cellar  alone,  but  I  lacked  just 
one  grain  of  havin'  moral  courage  enough,  so  I  stood  still 
with  my  knees  beatin'  together,  watchin'  'em  come.  My 
heart  ached  to  think  that  he  was  out  of  his  head  an'  fairly 
throwin'  himself  away,  an'  then  all  of  a  sudden,  it  flashed 
upon  me  that  the  blame  fool  was  playin'  football.  On 
they  charged  like  a  stampeded  herd,  a-scrcechin'  like  a  run- 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     187 

away  freight  wagon  with  dry  axles,  while  that  pink-cheeked 
tenderfoot  stood  in  his  tracks,  as  calm  an'  cool  as  the  North 
Star,  until  they  arrived  at  the  proper  distance,  an'  then  he 
sorted  out  the  big  one  in  the  center  an'  dove  for  his  legs. 

They  went  up  in  the  air,  like  a  long-horn  foolin'  with  the 
leg-throw  for  the  first  time,  the  other  two  bumped  into 
them,  the  fire- faced  devil-dragon  slipped  through,  caught 
me  full  in  the  pantry,  an'  we  all  avalanched  into  the  celler 
in  one  mixed  up  tangle.  I  can't  describe  it  to  you.  I  saw 
a  photograph  oncet  of  the  bottomless  pit  at  a  revival  meet 
ing,  and  this  lay-out  was  a  card  out  of  the  same  deck.  I 
ain't  stuck-up  nor  exclusive ;  but  hang  me  if  I  ever  want  to 
get  into  such  a  mixed  crowd  again.  We  bit  an'  kicked  an* 
hammered  each  other  till  I  felt  like  quartz  at  a  stamp-mill. 
The  only  light  we  had,  came  from  the  Chinese  devil  —  an* 
I  'd  a  heap  sooner  had  none. 

Finally  I  got  hold  of  two  cues,  an'  it  give  me  a  logical 
purpose.  I  simply  took  a  short  hold  on  those  cues  an* 
bumped  the  heads  they  belonged  to,  together,  until  that 
dragon  caught  sight  of  me  an'  hit  me  a  thump  in  the  back 
that  loosened  all  my  teeth.  Something  began  to  make  an 
awful  bawling  sound,  an'  it  scared  the  life  out  of  me  until 
I  see  the  Chinese  devil  go  up  the  stairs  leaving  a  trail  of 
flame  behind  him;  an'  then  I  knew  that  one  of  our  own 
Medicines  had  arrived. 

This  was  some  the  worst  roar  I  ever  heard.  It  would  start 
in  with  a  lot  of  foreign  words  an'  end  up  with  Rah!  Rah! 
Rah!  The  voice  sounded  something  like  Ches's;  but  when 
I  called  him  he  did  n't  answer,  an'  I  feared  it  was  his 
spirit. 

The'  did  n't  seem  to  be  any  use  in  bumpin'  my  two  heads 
together  any  more,  so  purty  soon  I  dropped  'em,  an'  straight- 


i88  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

ened  up.  The'  was  n't  a  sound,  an'  it  was  enough  sight 
scarier  than  the  noise  had  been.  I  looked  around  in  the  dark, 
an'  the'  was  ghastly  waverin'  flames  all  over  an'  I  could  see 
hideous  faces  grinnin'  at  me. 

I  scuttled  out  o'  that  cellar  like  a  homin'  rabbit,  an'  ran 
around  to  the  side  door.  Mrs.  Cameron  put  her  head  out 
after  a  bit,  an'  when  she  found  out  who  I  was,  she  let 
her  lantern  down  to  me  on  a  string,  an'  I  screwed  up  my 
courage  an'  went  back  to  the  cellar.  I  listened  a  moment, 
an'  it  was  quiet  as  a  grave  —  it  was  too  much  like  a  grave 
to  suit  me.  I  needed  the  touch  of  an  old  friend,  so  I  went 
back  an'  hunted  up  one  of  my  guns,  loaded  it,  an'  went 
down  into  that  cellar  —  an'  I  never  want  my  nerves  stretched 
no  tighter  than  they  were  right  at  that  minute.  I  see  three 
Chinamen  an'  Ches  stretched  out  in  a  heap,  dies  still  huggin' 
the  big  one  he  had  picked  out  first. 

I  carried  the  two  of  'em  upstairs  still  locked  together, 
an'  laid  'em  on  the  porch.  As  I  did  so,  Ches  opened  his 
eyes  an'  smiled  weakly,  an  sez  to  me  most  beseech  ful,  "  Gi' 
me  the  ball,  gi'  me  the  ball,  an'  let  Hodge  an'  Roger  throw 
me  over  the  line.  It 's  no  use  tryin'  to  buck  through."  The 
doggone  loon  still  thought  he  was  playin'  football.  I  don't 
reckon  a  railroad  wreck  would  give  one  o'  them  football 
players  a  single  new  sensation. 

He  jumps  up  after  a  minute,  shakes  himself,  an'  seems  as 
good  as  new.  I  was  for  lettin'  the  Chinks  go,  an'  gettin' 
indoors ;  but  not  for  him,  so  we  ties  'em ;  but  I  ain't  a 
mite  easy  in  my  mind.  I  was  still  lookin'  for  old  Mister 
Devil-Dragon  to  come  chargin'  back  with  his  Fourth  o' 
July  face,  an'  put  an'  everlastin'  crimp  in  us.  His  man  had 
a  cut  in  the  back  of  the  head,  while  my  two  was  merely 
softened  up  a  little ;  an'  as  soon  as  we  got  'em  in  the  kitchen 


THE    CHINESE    QUESTION     189 

an'  threw  some  water  in  their  faces,  they  revived  out  of  it 
an'  began  to  jabber  enough  to  give  a  steam  whistle  the 
headache. 

"  I  'd  better  go  an'  let  my  cousin  know  we  're  all  right," 
sez  Ches. 

"  Yes,  we  '11  both  go,"  sez  I,  quickly. 

"  You  'd  better  stay  an'  keep  guard,"  sez  Ches. 

"  The  door  's  locked  an'  they  're  tied,"  sez  I. 

We  went  together,  an'  Mrs.  Cameron  laughed  an'  wept 
an'  made  a  great  fuss.  When  we  came  back,  the  Chinks 
were  gone. 

"  I  told  you  to  stay  on  guard,"  yells  Ches. 

"  Well,  I  'm  mighty  glad  I  did  n't,"  sez  I. 

"  What  do  you  mean?  "  sez  he. 

"  Can't  you  see  what  happened  ?  "  sez  I.  "  Their  blamed 
fire-faced  dragon  came  back  an'  took  'em  off,  an'  if  I  'd 
been  here,  like  as  not,  he  'd  have  taken  me  too.  He  'd 
'a'  taken  'em  down  cellar;  but  your  Good  Medicine  came 
an'  gave  a  shriek  an'  scared  him  away." 

Ches  stood  an'  looked  at  me.  "  If  you  are  really  crazy, 
I  don't  mind  your  talkin'  this  way ;  "  he  sez  finally,  "  but  if 
you  have  a  grain  of  sense  left,  tell  me  what  you  mean." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  did  n't  see  him  ?  "  I 
sez.  "  He  had  horns  an'  a  long  beard,  an'  was  about  six 
feet  high  an'  spouted  fire,  an'  —  " 

"  Do  you  mean  the  goat  ?  "  he  snaps  in. 

"  Goat !  "  I  sez,  gettin'  mad.  "  Now  don't  get  gay.  The 
goat  has  tried  to  butt  me  fifty  times  since  I  been  here,  an* 
I  guess  I  know  him  by  sight ;  but  this  thing  —  " 

He  see  I  was  in  earnest,  took  a  match,  wet  it,  an'  held  it 
in  a  dark  corner.  "  The  goat  was  painted  with  that,"  sez 
he,  an'  I  saw  it  all,  an'  I  —  well,  I  just  natchly  shriveled. 


190  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

I  thought  it  all  over.  "  Well,  then,"  sez  I,  "  what  was  the 
thing  that  gave  the  spirit  call  in  the  cellar  ?  " 

"  That  was  my  college  yell,"  sez  Ches,  an'  he  gave  it  again, 
an'  gee,  but  it  would  'a'  made  an  Injun's  mouth  water. 

I  was  beginnin'  to  see  that  the'  was  a  heap  more  in  a 
college  edication  than  I  'd  ever  supposed. 


CHAPTER    FIFTEEN 

THE   DIAMOND  DOT   AGAIN 

NEXT  day  we  searched  the  barn  an'  found  her  just  soggy 
with  stolen  stuff.  We  started  out  the  news  an'  most  of  it 
was  claimed  up  by  the  neighbors  for  a  hundred  miles  around. 
They  heroed  me  an'  Ches  right  consid'able;  but  we  didn't 
tell  'em  about  the  goat.  It  might  put  the  Chinamen  wise, 
you  see.  They  took  up  a  purse  of  eighteen  hundred  dollars 
for  us  which  had  been  offered  in  rewards  one  place  an' 
another,  an'  we  felt  purty  tol'able  contented. 

But  I  was  beginnin'  to  get  lonesome,  the  same  as  I  allus 
do  when  I  've  been  in  one  o'  these  quiet,  stagnant  places  for 
a  spell.  I  was  fond  o'  Mrs.  Cameron  an'  the  baby  an'  the 
place  an'  the  cookin',  an'  I  thought  the  world  o'  Ches;  but 
the'  was  a  constant  tuggin'  at  my  heart  to  get  back  to  the 
Diamond  Dot,  back  to  the  big,  free  sweep  o'  plains,  back  to 
little  Barbie. 

I  'd  been  soakin'  away  all  Ches's  stories  an'  ways,  an'  I 
knew  she  'd  be  full  as  interested  in  'em  as  I  was.  I  had  had 
enough  o'  business  too.  I  could  easy  see  'at  I  was  n't  cut 
out  for  a  business  man,  but  I  generally  managed  to  round 
up  a  little  wealth  one  way  or  another.  I  knew  all  along 
that  I  didn't  really  have  a  taste  for  business;  it  was  just 
that  fool  talk  o'  Bill  Andrews  that  made  me  want  to  cut  loose 
from  the  Diamond  Dot.  I  'd  made  up  my  mind  now  on 
that  question,  an'  it  was  surprisin'  how  simple  the  answer 
was  after  I  'd  finally  worked  it  out.  The  answer  was  this : 
I  had  as  good  a  right  anywhere  on  earth  as  any  one  else 


192  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

did.  I  was  some  company  for  Barbie  at  the  Diamond 
an'  it  suited  us  both  first  rate.  If  it  got  on  Bill  Andrews' 
nerves  till  he  could  n't  keep  it  under  his  breath,  why  I  'd 
have  to  furnish  him  with  an  excuse  for  movin' ;  but  as  for 
myself,  I  'd  just  stick  around  until  things  began  to  creak 
a  little. 

When  Mr.  Cameron  came  back,  he  made  a  big  fuss  over 
me  an'  Ches  —  he  was  an'  A  i  sort  of  a  man,  Cameron 
was  —  an'  he  wanted  me  to  stay  right  along  offerin'  me 
big  wages,  which  was  a  thing  that  Mrs.  Cameron  had  for 
got  all  about,  an'  me  too ;  but  I  did  n't  feel  like  stayin' ;  so  I 
set  a  date  an'  then  it  was  settled.  Besides,  Ches  would  be 
goin'  back  to  college  again  soon. 

Cameron  was  a  real  estate  broker  in  the  East,  but  was 
beginnin'  to  study  up  on  minin'  propositions.  He  knew 
all  about  Slocum's  Luck,  that  is,  he  knew  the'  was  such  a 
mine,  an'  that  they  was  still  lawin'  over  it ;  but  when  I 
asked  him  about  ever  havin'  heard  of  a  mine  called  the 
Creole  Belle,  he  shook  his  head  an'  said  he  never  had. 
He  had  n't  heard  of  Jack  Whitman,  nor  George  Jordan,  nor 
even  Sandy  Fergoson ;  so  I  see  the'  was  n't  any  use  in  stayin' 
around  there,  an'  while  I  hated  to  part  with  'em,  I  was  glad 
when  the  time  came  for  me  to  say  good-bye. 

They  wanted  to  give  some  kind  of  a  present  when  I  left ; 
but  the  only  thing  I  'd  accept  of,  was  a  pair  of  chickens. 
I  had  got  used  to  eatin'  eggs  whilst  I  was  there,  an'  I  knew 
'at  Barbie  would  like  'em ;  so  they  put  me  up  a  rooster  an' 
a  hen  in  a  basket,  an'  I  rolled  up  my  roll,  an'  drove  off  to 
the  depot  with  Ches.  He  was  mighty  sober  when  we  got 
out  of  sight  of  the  house,  an'  after  he  did  get  to  talkin'  it 
was  mostly  of  all  the  good  times  we  had  had,  an'  how  he 
wished  I  was  goin'  back  with  him,  or  else  he  was  goin'  on 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT    AGAIN    193 

with  me.  I  told  him  all  about  the  Diamond  Dot,  an'  how 
to  get  to  it,  an'  invited  him  out  for  a  visit  any  time  he  could 
get  away.  I  did  n't  tell  him  much  about  Barbie ;  but  I 
made  him  promise  that  if  ever  his  Cousin  found  out  the 
facts  about  the  Creole  Belle  mine,  he  'd  let  me  know  at  once. 
I  could  n't  bring  myself  to  believe  that  Sandy  Fergoson 
had  been  crazy,  an'  I  was  beginnin'  to  come  to  the  conclu 
sion  that  the'  must  have  been  both  a  woman  an'  a  mine 
mixed  up  —  an'  that 's  a  combination  to  bowl  over  the  best 
of  us. 

Ches  said  he  was  so  stuck  on  the  West  that  he  half  be 
lieved  he  'd  learn  to  be  a  minin'  engineer  an'  come  out  here 
an'  live.  He  tried  to  get  me  to  promise  to  come  an'  visit 
him,  but  I  told  him  that  I  ranged  over  the  same  territory 
mostly,  an'  would  n't  know  how  to  act  in  the  East ;  but 
that  if  I  ever  did  head  in  that  direction,  I  'd  sure  look  him 
up.  He  bought  my  ticket  while  I  was  gettin'  my  roll  out 
of  the  wagon,  an'  I  could  n't  make  him  take  the  money 
for  it. 

"  This  ain't  on  me,"  he  sez,  "  the  Camerons  's  payin'  for 
this ;  but  even  if  I  was,  I  reckon  I  could  afford  it.  You  've 
brought  me  my  luck." 

"  How  about  it  bein'  your  bringin'  me  mine?  "  sez  I,  but 
he  would  n't  stand  for  it,  so  I  got  on  the  train  with  purty 
close  to  a  thousand  dollars  in  my  clothes  an'  a  pair  of 
chickens  in  my  basket.  He  stood  on  the  platform  until  we 
were  out  o'  sight,  an'  then  I  settled  back  to  think  things  over. 

People  are  more  different  than  the  other  kinds  of  animals, 
an'  yet  they're  a  heap  alike,  too.  Now,  me  an'  Ches  was 
about  as  different  as  they  ever  get,  most  ways,  an'  yet  we 
pulled  a  level  double-tree  out  in  the  open.  I  could  see  the 
difference  between  my  kind  o'  talk  an'  his;  but  neither  one 

13 


194  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

of  'em  was  the  booky  kind  that  Mr.  Cameron  talked,  an* 
yet  we  had  all  three  sat  out  one  night  watchin'  the  stars,  an' 
the'  wasn't  much  difference  in  what  we  thought  about 
a  lot  o'  things;  but  by  the  time  we  reached  Oakland,  I 
was  n't  takin'  such  friendly  views  of  humanity. 

Now,  I  don't  mind  what  a  feller  does  as  long  as  it  don't 
interfere  with  me,  an'  even  then,  I  can  put  up  with  a  sight 
o'  bother ;  but  all  the  passengers  on  that  train,  an'  the  train 
crew  too,  seemed  to  think  that  it  just  about  capped  the 
climax  to  see  a  man  o'  my  build  totin'  along  a  pair  o' 
chickens.  The'  was  n't  anybody  on  that  train  who  behaved 
any  better  'n  those  chickens  did,  except  the  first  time  I 
tried  to  water  'em  out  o'  the  cup ;  but  they  nearly  pestered  me 
to  death  tryin'  to  find  out  what  was  mysterious  about  'em. 
I  told  'em  the  full  reasons  for  my  takin'  'em  up  to  the  Dia 
mond  Dot ;  but  that  did  n't  suit  'em,  they  had  to  have  some 
outlandish  excuse.  I  stuck  to  the  truth  until  my  good 
nature  began  to  blister  an'  then  I  fixed  up  a  past  history  for 
those  chickens  that  was  n't  nowise  common. 

When  you  just  glance  at  it,  a  chicken  ain't  a  creature 
that 's  apt  to  have  an  adventurous  life ;  but  long  before  we 
reached  Oakland,  folks  was  gettin'  on  the  train  every  place 
we  stopped,  just  to  have  a  look  at  chickens  what  had  been 
taught  to  tell  counterfeit  money.  It  was  easy  enough  when 
I  got  started.  Every  one  knows  that  a  chicken's  eye  is 
mighty  detectin'.  They  stroll  along  pickin'  up  bugs  'at  you 
or  I  can't  see  with  a  magnascope,  an'  all  'at  would  be 
necessary  to  make  'em  experts  at  money,  would  be  to  get 
'em  interested. 

The'  's  allus  somebody  in  a  crowd  who  don't  swaller 
bait  as  easy  as  the  rest,  an'  bye  an'  bye  a  feller  holds  up  a 
silver  dollar  to  the  rooster.  The  rooster  was  a  pretty  beast. 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT    AGAIN    195 

ill  red  an'  blue,  an'  a  good  feeler ;  but  he  did  n't  care  a  hang 
for  money.  He  turned  his  head  away,  an'  I  sez,  "  The 
dollar's  good." 

But  the  feller  had  to  keep  on  makin'  tests,  which  did  n't 
interest  the  rooster  any  until  finally  the  rooster  begun  to 
get  some  exasperated.  The  feller  held  out  a  five-dollar 
bill  to  the  rooster,  an'  he  was  tired  o'  such  nonsense  an' 
took  a  sudden  peck  at  it  an'  tore  it  in  two.  It 's  bad," 
sez  I. 

"  I  knew  it  was  bad,"  sez  he.  "  I  said  when  I  took  it 
that  I  bet  it  was  n't  any  good ;  but  one  o'  these  smooth 
Easterners  give  it  to  me.  If  I  'd  had  a  bird  like  that  I 
would  n't  'a'  got  stuck.  What  '11  you  take  for  him  ?  " 

I  smiled,  an'  sez,  "  I  don't  reckon  you  'd  believe  what  these 
birds  is  worth,  but  I  would  n't  want  to  sell  'em  even  if  I 
got  my  price.  I  wish  you  'd  give  me  that  counterfeit  bill 
though.  The  hen  ain't  fully  taught  an'  bills  like  that  are 
scarce." 

He  give  me  the  bill,  an'  offered  me  all  kinds  o'  prices  for 
the  poultry;  but  I  wanted  to  take  'em  to  Barbie,  an'  I 
finally  stuck  'em  under  the  seat  an'  refused  to  let  any  one 
see  'em.  That  blame  fool  offered  me  seventy-five  dollars 
for  that  pair  o'  chickens  when  he  got  off  the  train  at  Oak 
land,  an'  I  was  blame  glad  I  had  give  up  business,  'cause 
it  was  sure  good  business  to  take  a  price  like  that.  The 
five-dollar  bill  was  all  right  an'  I  spent  part  of  it  at  the 
restaurants  along  the  way. 

When  I  got  off  the  train  at  Webb  Station,  who  did  I 
see  but  Spider  Kelley  an'  the  home  freight-wagon.  Well, 
we  was  both  glad  to  see  each  other,  an'  he  stayed  sober  just 
so  we  could  chat  together  on  the  home  ride. 

"  How  did  you  like  business  ?  "  sez  he. 


196  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Oh,  it  pays  —  in  a  money  way,"  sez  I,  "  but  it 's  too 
monotonous.  I  don't  like  it." 

"  You  ain't  been  gone  long  enough  to  make  much  money," 
sez  he. 

"  Oh,  no,  not  what  you  would  call  money  in  business," 
sez  I,  "  but  I  've  handled  several  pieces  o'  coin  since  I 
been  away,  an'  I  '11  have  nine  hundred  for  ol'  Cast  Steel  to 
put  out  on  pasture  for  me." 

"Nine  hundred!  Well,  by  gee !"  sez  Spider.  "What  kind 
o'  business  have  you  been  in,  Happy  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  tried  hosses  first,  but  they  was  n't  enough  change 
in  it,  then  I  went  to  Frisco  an'  give  the  dry-goods  business 
a  work-out.  I  tried  the  real  estate  business  next ;  but,  Spider, 
you  '11  be  surprised  to  learn  that  I  made  more  money  out 
o'  goats  an'  chickens  than  any  other  business  I  got  into." 

"  Well,  that  sure  is  wonderful,"  sez  Spider.  "  Are  you 
goin'  to  stay  here  a  spell,  or  are  you  just  goin'  to  try  to  get 
Old  Cast  Steel  interested  in  poultry?  I  doubt  if  he  goes  into 
chickens  deep,  he  allus  likes  to  herd  on  a  big  scale." 

"  I  'm  goin'  to  give  this  here  pair  to  Barbie,"  sez  I.  "If 
the  old  man  wants  me  to  take  on  for  the  fall  round-up,  why 
it 's  likely  I  '11  do  it,  an'  I  may  even  stay  through  the  winter. 
Money  ain't  the  whole  o'  life,  an'  I  like  this  range  better  'n 
any  I  ever  rode  over." 

"  Well,  he  '11  be  glad  enough  to  take  you  on  for  the  round 
up,"  sez  Spider.  "  Omaha  has  quit." 

"  The  deuce  he  has,"  sez  I.    "  What  did  he  quit  for?  " 

"  Him  an'  Bill  Andrews  had  some  words,  an'  I  got  to 
own  up  that  Bill  was  in  the  right  of  it.  Cast  Steel  did  n't 
take  any  sides,  an'  Omaha,  he  finally  pulled  out  week  before 
last.  Bill  Andrews  is  the  nearest  thing  we  got  to  a  foreman 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT    AGAIN     197 

"  How  's  everything  goin'  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Smoother  'n  oil,"  sez  he.  "  I  've  been  around  the  ranch 
house  ever  since  you  been  away,  tendin'  to  Pluto  an'  breakin' 
colts." 

"  I  'm  goin'  to  get  out  an'  walk  back,"  sez  I. 

"What  the  'ell  for?"  sez  he. 

"  I  never  struck  this  place  before  when  it  was  n't  in  a 
tangle,"  sez  I,  "  an'  I  feel  in  my  bones,  it  betokens  bad 
luck." 

"  Oh,  hoofs,"  sez  he,  "  you  ain't  that  superstitious  are  you  ? 
Did  you  leave  last  time  in  the  same  humor  as  usual  ?  " 

Then  I  felt  a  shade  easier.  "  No,"  sez  I,  "  every  other  time 
me  an'  Cast  Steel  had  had  a  little  difference;  but  this  time, 
I  was  simply  tired  o'  the  place.  Well,  I  '11  go  on  an'  chance 
it ;  but  I  'm  leery  that  somethin'  will  happen." 

We  arrived  next  day  in  time  for  supper,  an'  Barbie  an' 
Jabez  was  mighty  glad  to  see  me.  Barbie  went  wild  over 
the  chickens,  just  as  I  knew  she  would,  an'  Jabez  said  that 
he  used  to  like  eggs  himself  when  he  was  a  boy,  an'  would 
have  got  some  poultry  long  ago  if  he  'd  only  thought  of  it. 
They  both  of  'em  laughed  to  think  that  I  had  at  last  come 
back  to  the  Diamond  Dot  without  findin'  any  kind  of  war 
fare;  an'  when  I  told  'em  that  it  sort  o'  worried  me,  they 
only  laughed  the  more. 

"  How  did  you  like  business,  Happy  ?  "  sez  Jabez. 

"  I  got  nine  hundred  dollars  I  wish  you  'd  range  out  with 
the  rest  o'  my  herd,"  sez  I,  "  but  to  tell  you  the  simple 
truth,  I  don't  like  business,  not  one  mite." 

I  thought  I  could  stall  'em  off  without  tellin'  'em  what 
kind  o'  business  I  'd  made  my  stake  in,  but  they  wormed  it 
out  o'  me  before  that  first  meal  was  over.  It  was  a  merry 
meal,  an'  lasted  about  three  hours.  I  enjoyed  it,  but  I  made 


198  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

up  my  mind  that  if  I  took  on  again,  I  was  goin'  to  eat  with 
the  rest  of  the  boys.  I  had  allus  et  with  Barbie  an'  Jabez; 
but  I  did  n't  want  to  have  any  o'  the  outfit  get  to  thinkin' 
that  I  was  n't  nothin'  but  a  visitor.  When  bedtime  hove 
around,  Jabez  sez,  "  Well,  you  '11  find  your  old  room  ready, 
Happy." 

"  Why,  I  reckon  I  '11  sleep  in  the  bunk  shack  from  this 
on,"  sez  I. 

"  I  reckon  you  won't,"  sez  he.  "  You  're  worth  more  to 
me  as  a  sort  o'  reserve  than  you  'd  be  as  a  straight  puncher, 
an'  the'  ain't  no  use  o'  your  gettin'  so  blame  finicky  all  of  a 
sudden.  What 's  got  into  you  lately  ?  " 

"  Now,  you  know  how  it  is,  Jabez,"  sez  I,  "  if  I  cut  loose 
from  the  rest  o'  the  bunch,  they  're  bound  to  talk  about  it 
an'  —  " 

"  Let  'em  talk,"  he  snaps  in.  "  Talk  ain't  expensive ;  but 
I  don't  think  they  're  a  jealous  lot.  They  all  like  you,  Happy, 
an'  I  got  a  sort  of  a  suspicion  that  those  who  don't  won't 
pester  you  overly  much.  I  ain't  heard  the  straight  of  it,  but 
I  have  heard  some  talk  about  him  overestimatin'  his  ability 
in  the  ridin'  line.  Now  cut  out  this  nonsense  an'  just  begin 
where  you  left  off.  Barbie  here  '11  be  mighty  glad  of  some 
company  again." 

It  did  n't  take  'em  long  to  talk  me  into  it  —  it  generally  is 
easy  to  break  down  a  man's  will  when  it  ain't  braced  up  by 
his  natural  desires ;  so  after  I  'd  balked  as  long  as  seemed 
polite,  I  settled  into  the  collar  again  an'  trotted  along  just 
in  the  same  old  gait. 

It  was  just  as  I  thought.  Barbie  was  plumb  wild  to  hear 
all  those  college  stories,  an'  the  queer  words  that  Ches  used 
to  talk  with.  She  asked  me  about  a  thousand  questions  that 
I  was  n't  sure  on  the  answers ;  but  I  made  out  to  interest 


THE    DIAMOND    DOT    AGAIN    199 

her,  an'  Jabez'  face  used  to  beam  when  he  'd  hear  her  laugh 
ring  out. 

We  were  sure  a  happy  household;  but  I  noticed  mighty 
soon  that  Barbie  was  more  restless  than  ever ;  but  also  had 
more  control  over  herself.  She  was  n't  so  quick  about  either 
askin'  questions  nor  givin'  answers  as  she  used  to  be,  an' 
she  noticed  things  closer  —  an'  this  was  goin'  some  too; 
'cause  she  allus  did  inspect  everything  that  came  on  her 
range. 

We  had  a  gang  o'  tourists  swoop  down  on  us  for  a  couple 
o'  days,  an'  it  tickled  me  to  see  her  watch  'em  an'  draw  back 
in  her  shell  any  time  she  thought  they  was  watchin'  her.  I 
knew  every  line  in  her  face,  an'  mighty  few  of  her  thoughts 
came  as  a  surprise  when  she  framed  'em  into  words.  She 
never  said  it  all  now,  unless  she  was  het  up  about  something, 
an'  I  like  to  listen  to  any  one  'at  talks  like  that.  Her  best 
thoughts  were  never  accented,  they  just  came  in  as  packin' 
like,  an'  it  added  to  the  interest.  When  a  feller  hands  out 
a  little  commonplace  idy  an'  then  sends  along  a  couple  o' 
verses  to  tell  what  it  means,  I  get  weary ;  but  when  I  'm 
able  to  see  into  somethin'  that  lays  too  close  to  his  heart 
to  say  out,  an'  too  close  to  forget,  why  I  feel  as  if  I  had  found 
a  real  jewel,  an'  that  was  the  way  with  Barbie.  I  knew  that 
somethin'  was  tuggin'  at  her ;  but  when  I  found  out  exactly 
what  it  was,  it  came  with  almost  as  much  of  a  shock  as  if 
I  had  n't  known  it  was  there  all  the  time. 


CHAPTER   SIXTEEN 

THE  HIGHER  EDUCATION  OF   WOMAN 

BARBIE  had  grown  some  more,  even  durin'  the  little  time  'at 
I  'd  been  away.  She  had  got  used  to  the  new  rig  she  wore 
an'  was  n't  a  mite  awkward,  an'  her  face  was  firmer  an'  more 
self-composed.  She  was  purtier  too,  though  it  don't  seem 
possible.  It  even  seems  more  impossible  when  I  tell  ya  that 
she  looked  more  like  ol'  Cast  Steel  than  ever.  He  an'  the 
girl  was  a  heap  alike,  'cept  that  he  was  big  an'  raw-boned  an' 
spare- featured ;  while  she  was  as  dainty  as  an  antelope,  an' 
as  far  as  looks  went,  she  was  the  Queen  Bee  of  Creation,  I 
reckon. 

When  it  came  to  ridin'  a  bucker  or  shootin'  off  an  eye- 
winker  or  expressin'  herself  free  an'  frank,  she  did  n't  have 
to  import  no  testimony  to  prove  'at  she  was  his  daughter 
either.  She  had  him  skinned  on  ridin'  though ;  'cause  while 
he  was  able  to  set  anything  on  four  feet,  he  allus  showed  'at 
he  had  begun  late  in  life,  an'  he  sometimes  jerked  the  bit 
unintentional ;  while  she  —  well,  I  reckon  she  must  'a'  been 
born  on  hoss-back,  an'  besides,  I  had  give  her  all  the 
pointers  the'  was. 

One  mornin'  about  ten  days  after  I  'd  come  back,  I  heard 
'em  discussin'  purty  heatedly  out  back  of  the  corral;  an' 
I  just  sauntered  over  to  harken  to  it.  It  was  n't  a  case  of 
eavesdropping  'cause  when  them  two  had  any  comments  to 
make  they  did  n't  care  a  blue  bean  what  the  prevailin'  style 
in  opinions  happened  to  be,  they  nailed  their  own  personal 
jedgments  on  the  wall  an'  then  stuck  around  handy  to  back 


THE    HIGHER    EDUCATION    201 

'em  up.  I  was  particular  anxious  to  know  what  they  was 
crossin'  words  over,  'cause  I  could  n't  get  it  out  o'  my  head 
but  what  my  comin'  back  an'  findin'  'em  peaceable  betokened 
something. 

Jabez  was  standin'  with  his  feet  wide  apart,  his  hands  on 
his  hips,  his  hat  tilted  over  one  ear,  his  chin  stickin'  out  with 
the  lips  pursed  up,  an'  his  eyes  had  a  dogged  look  in  'em. 
Line  by  line  an'  feature  by  feature,  she  shadowed  him  to  the 
last  item ;  an'  neither  one  of  'em  saw  a  twinkle  o'  comical- 
ness  in  it,  neither. 

"  Do  you  know  who  you  're  talkin'  to?"  he  yells  just  as 
I  arrived.  "  I  'm  your  father !  " 

"  What  of  it?  "  she  snaps  back.  "  It 's  too  late  to  remedy 
that  —  I  just  got  to  make  the  best  of  it.  But  do  you  know 
who  you  're  talkin'  to  ?  I  'm  the  future  owner  of  the  Dia 
mond  Dot,  an'  I  ain't  a-layin'  no  plans  to  have  the  lala-ka- 
dinks  from  the  civilized  parts  o'  this  country  come  out  an* 
round  up  my  langwidge,  same  as  they  gather  Injun  speci- 
ments.  You  may  be  my  father,  but  you  can  just  bet  your 
saddle  that  before  I  reach  the  end  o'  my  trail,  a  stranger 
won't  be  able  to  guess  it  from  our  talk." 

Now  the  old  man  was  mighty  savin'  with  his  cuss-words, 
an'  he  put  out  a  purty  tol'able  fair  grade  o'  grammar ;  but 
the  girl  had  an  eye  in  her  head  and  an  ear  to  listen  with, 
an'  she  had  been  for  a  long  time  takin'  notice  o'  the  side 
winks  o'  the  Easterners.  Some  Easterners  put  on  their 
manners  the  same  as  their  complexions,  an'  the  open  air  is 
apt  to  put  cracks  in  'em. 

The  ol*  man  looked  at  her  a  good  long  while,  but  she  never 
blinked  a  winker;  an'  he  finally  turned  away  an'  said  in  a 
soft-like  voice,  "  I  know,  child,  I  ain't  been  able  to  fill  the 
part  full  measure  —  but  it  ain't  'cause  I  haven't  tried.  I 


202  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

reckon  you  '11  have  to  go,  honey ;  but  it  '11  sure  be  lonesome 
while  you  're  away ;  an'  when  you  do  come  back  you  '11  never 
be  my  little  kid  any  more."  His  voice  kept  gettin'  sadder  an* 
sadder  until  I  about  snuffled  myself  when  he  continued: 
"  I  '11  rub  up  my  talk  all  I  can  while  you  're  away,  an'  then 
if  you  bring  out  any  friends  next  summer  you  can  tell  'em 
that  I  'm  the  foreman  an'  that  you  let  me  eat  in  the  house 
while  your  father  is  takin'  a  trip  to  Europe." 

The  ol'  man  would  have  played  that  part  about  as  natural 
as  a  bull  buffalo,  but  he  fooled  himself  into  believin'  it,  an' 
his  voice  was  purty  shaky  at  the  end.  Barbie's  eyes  filled 
up  with  tears,  an'  when  he  stopped  an'  began  to  totter  feebly 
toward  the  house,  she  ran  up  an'  threw  her  arms  about  his 
neck,  an'  said,  "  Dad,  I  just  hate  you  —  you  don't  play  fair. 
You  start  the  game  under  one  set  o'  rules  an'  then  when  you 
get  the  worst  of  it  you  just  simply  crawfish.  When  we  were 
sayin'  mean  things  out  in  the  open,  I  just  natchly  put  it  all 
over  you ;  an'  now  you  flop  over  on  your  back  an'  work  that 
1  coals  o'  fire '  stunt,  an'  I  just  hate  you.  You  know  in  your 
heart  I  'd  be  proud  of  you  in  any  company  on  earth,  but 
the'  's  a  heap  o'  difference  between  you  an'  me.  You  have 
been  successful,  an'  strangers  will  respect  you  for  it;  but 
it 's  got  to  be  a  show-down  with  me  every  time.  If  I  don't 
learn  the  new  gaits,  so  a  stranger  will  think  I  'm  city-broke, 
some  fresh  tourist  is  apt  to  get  the  idee  that  I  'm  as  uncivil 
ized  as  my  manners,  an'  it  won't  do  to  tramp  on  my  toes  — 
not  overly  often.  But  I  don't  have  to  leave  you.  I  '11  just 
turn  in  an'  do  the  job  right  here  on  the  ranch,  an'  accordin' 
to  the  very  latest  models.  You  get  me  a  lot  o'  books  an'  all 
the  magazines  an'  fashion  papers,  an'  hanged  if  I  don't  turn 
out  a  job  'at  '11  fool  the  best  of  'em.  You  're  a  mean  old 
Daddy,  you  are,  for  a  fact;  but  we  make  too  dandy  a  duet 


THE    HIGHER    EDUCATION    203 

for  me  to  go  away  an'  leave  you  to  grind  out  a  solo  all  alone. 
But  —  but  I  sure  wanted  to  go." 

Well,  Jabez  grinned  all  over ;  but  I  saw  that  he  was  n't 
through  with  it  so  easy.  Barbie  wasn't  the  one  to  throw 
her  rope  before  she  was  all  braced  for  the  jerk,  an'  the' 
would  n't  be  any  kinks  in  her  logic,  neither.  She  had  thrown 
a  purty  stout  string  of  arguments,  an'  I  was  full  prepared 
when  they  told  me  that  he  was  to  have  his  way  about  it,  an' 
she  was  to  go  to  college  that  very  fall. 

She  did  go  in  less  'n  a  month  to  a  prep-school  clear 
down  East.  A  prep-school  is  a  sort  of  a  calf  college, 
you  know;  an'  she  had  to  train  there  a  solid  year  before 
they  had  the  nerve  to  turn  her  loose  on  a  full-grown 
university.  But  she  had  a  head  on  her,  Barbie  had,  an' 
when  she  got  squared  away,  she  made  'em  all  get  down 
an'  scratch.  They  do  say  that  she  put  more  life  an'  vim 
in  that  institution  than  anybody  what  had  ever  give  it  a 
work-out  before. 

Ol'  Cast  Steel  went  down  twice  the  first  winter,  an'  never 
let  her  know  'at  he  was  in  the  neighborhood,  for  fear  it 
would  make  her  think  'at  he  was  pinin'  for  her.  He  just 
went  down  there  an'  bought  some  store  clothes  an'  prowled 
around  waitin'  for  the  chance  to  see  her  at  a  distance  — 
never  even  lined  out  the  professors  to  see  if  they  were  doin' 
their  duty,  nor  mixed  in  the  game  the  slightest  bit.  Talk 
about  bein'  game !  I  reckon  that  puts  a  shadow  on  anything 
ever  that  man  had  to  face. 

She  used  to  come  back  every  summer,  bringin'  a  lot  of 
chums  an'  all  kinds  o'  pets  with  her.  She  was  just  daffy 
over  any  kind  of  a  wild  animal  from  an  Injun  papoose  to  a 
white  mouse ;  an'  when  she  'd  go  back  in  the  fall,  Jabez  had 
his  hands  full  with  parrots  an'  alligators  an'  butterfly  coons 


204  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

an'  sech  —  to  say  nothin'  of  a  lot  of  potted  flowers  what  was 
mighty  notionable  in  their  tastes. 

I  was  so  busy  tendin'  to  this  branch  o'  the  outfit  that  about 
all  the  ridin'  I  did  was  for  exercise  —  yes,  an'  for  company, 
'cause  it  allus  seemed  as  if  she  was  along  when  I  'd  be  out 
on  the  range.  Then,  again,  I  allus  felt  a  kind  of  drawin', 
myself,  to  the  silent  people,  who  think  an'  wish  an'  feel, 
just  the  same  as  we  do,  but  are  n't  able  to  handle  our 
langwidge.  I  got  so  I  could  purt'  nigh  tell  what  an  animal 
had  on  his  mind,  just  from  tendin'  to  her  speciments. 

She  had  one  speciment  which  was  a  possom,  an'  the  blame 
thing  bit  me  eight  times  one  winter,  me  tryin'  to  give  it 
baths  —  an'  then  she  wrote  back  home  that  the  doggone 
critter  did  n't  need  'em  nohow.  She  purt'  nigh  got  expended 
for  takin'  a  rattlesnake  back  to  the  university  an'  keepin' 
it  hid  in  her  room ;  an'  after  I  'd  had  a  deuce  of  a  time 
catchin'  'em,  they  made  her  send  a  bob-cat  an'  a  mountain 
lion  to  some  kind  of  a  garden  —  would  n't  let  her  keep  'em 
at  all.  The  professors  allus  was  a  sore  trial  to  her,  but  once 
she  began  a  thing  she  allus  fought  it  through,  so  she  put 
up  with  'em  the  best  way  she  could. 

She  used  to  tell  us  that  bein'  housed  up  like  to  'a'  drove 
her  crazy  at  first,  an'  they  was  so  tarnation  fussy  that  she  felt 
like  a  hobbled  pony  in  a  stampede.  They  would  n't  even  let 
her  picket  her  ponies  out  in  what  they  call  the  campus,  which 
she  said  was  just  drippin'  fat  with  rich  grass,  an'  nary  a 
hoof  to  graze  it.  Why,  they  even  had  fool  notions  about 
havin'  certain  hours  about  goin'  to  bed,  an'  even  when  you 
had  to  put  your  lights  out. 

One  night  she  got  fidgety  an'  nervous  with  the  lonesome- 
ness  of  it,  an'  she  got  up  about  one  o'clock  an'  fired  her  re 
volvers  out  the  window,  —  just  for  sport,  you  know,  like 


THE    HIGHER    EDUCATION    205 

a  feller  sometimes  will  when  he 's  —  well,  when  his  soul 
gets  kind  o'  itchy  like,  —  an'  it  purt'  nigh  started  a  riot.  She 
said  'at  we  would  n't  never  believe  how  different  the  people 
was  down  there.  I  reckon  a  university  must  be  run  a  good 
bit  like  a  penitentiary.  But  as  I  said,  she  was  n't  no  quitter, 
an'  I  reckon,  takin'  it  all  in  all,  she  give  'em  back  about  as 
good  as  they  sent. 

Course  we  could  see  a  lot  o'  change  in  her  when  she  'd 
first  come  back,  but  it  seemed  to  slide  off  as  the  tan  came  on, 
an'  by  the  time  she  left  in  the  fall  again  she  'd  be  purty 
much  the  same  old  Barbie.  She  went  full  five  years,  countin' 
the  prep-school,  an'  I  don't  suppose  they  was  much  in  the  way 
o'  learnin'  they  did  n't  filter  through  her ;  but  it  did  n't  spoil 
her,  an'  the  very  moment  her  knees  clamped  on  a  pony  again 
you  could  see  that  her  blood  was  as  red  as  ever,  even  if  her 
face  was  roses  an'  cream.  My  heart  allus  beat  out  of  time 
when  I  knew  she  was  headin'  back ;  but  the  very  minute  she 
gave  my  hand  the  old-time  grip  I  knew  she  was  still  the 
old-time  girl,  an'  when  she  'd  turn  to  the  chums  an'  say, 
"  Girls,  this  is  Happy,"  why,  I  was  big  brother  to  the  lot, 
an'  before  they  went  back  I  'd  teach  'em  ridin'  till  they  could 
giggle  on  hoss-back  without  fallin'  off.  They  all  owned 
up  that  she  was  the  takin'est  girl  at  the  university,  and  while 
her  pals  was  a  mighty  attractive  lot,  they  did  n't  have  to 
use  any  arguments  to  convince  me  it  was  the  truth. 

She  allus  left  me  so  much  to  do  when  she  was  away  that 
I  never  felt  like  leavin'  through  the  winter;  while  durin' 
vacation  time  I  would  n't  have  gone  without  bein'  drove ; 
but  toward  the  middle  of  her  fourth  year,  me  an'  Bill  An 
drews  had  another  little  run  in. 

We  was  havin'  a  terrible  streak  of  weather,  an'  Bill  wanted 
to  move  a  herd  over  to  the  southwest  corner  of  the  ranch 


206  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

where  the'  was  some  extra  good  bunch  grass.  It  was  a  wise 
move  all  right,  an'  I  said  so ;  but  when  he  wanted  me  to  help 
trail  'em,  I  vetoed  it.  I  was  watchin'  up  some  experiments 
with  silkworms  an'  I  did  n't  want  to  leave  'em.  We  were 
short-handed  an'  Jabez  'lowed  'at  I  'd  better  go.  Well,  we 
argued  back  an'  forth  until  he  finally  said  that  he  could 
take  full  care  o'  the  silkworms,  an'  intimated  that  my  work 
with  'em  was  n't  much  but  pastime,  anyway. 

That  settled  it  with  me.  I  helped  drive  the  herd,  an*  it 
was  the  bitterest  weather  we  'd  ever  had.  The  sleet  blew 
in  the  cow's  faces  an'  it  was  simply  one  long  fight.  Three 
o'  the  boys  gave  up  an'  pulled  back  to  the  ranch  house, 
but  not  me.  I  don't  believe  I  slept  on  that  drive,  night  or  day, 
an'  when  the  boys  finally  told  Bill  Andrews  that  it  could  n't 
be  done,  I  told  'em  that  it  could,  an'  that  if  any  more  of 
'em  dropped  out  I  'd  count  it  a  personal  insult.  We  got 
'em  there  all  right,  an'  then  I  rode  back  to  the  ranch  house. 

Jabez  had  let  the  silkworms  die  —  an'  I  told  him  what  I 
thought  of  him,  an'  pulled  out.  It  was  cold  weather  an* 
I  was  travelin'  on  foot,  but  it  wasn't  cold  I  was  sufferin' 
from,  it  was  heat. 


CHAPTER    SEVENTEEN 

IN    RETIREMENT 

I  PLUGGED  along  through  the  cold,  gettin'  hotter  an'  hotter 
all  the  time,  'cause  I  did  n't  want  to  go  away  at  all.  Barbie  'd 
be  home  in  a  few  months  and  I  wanted  to  be  there  when  she 
came  —  but  I  could  n't  get  over  those  silkworms.  She  was 
goin'  to  write  somethin'  about  'em  for  some  kind  of  a  paper, 
an'  it  meant  a  good  deal  to  her,  an'  I  had  kept  a  record  of  all 
the  projec's  she  'd  written  me  to  do  with  'em  —  only  to  have 
Cast  Steel  an'  that  fool  Bill  Andrews  flounder  in  with  that 
herd  o'  cows. 

I  piked  on  over  to  Danders  thinkin'  I  'd  get  on  a  train  an' 
go  somewhere;  but  on  my  way  there  I  met  the  foreman  o' 
the  E.  Z.  outfit  ridin'  into  town  to  see  if  he  couldn't  pick 
up  a  fence-rider.  Then  I  see  old  Mrs.  Fate  nudgin'  me  in 
the  ribs  with  her  finger  again.  We  was  all  down  on  fences 
at  the  Diamond  Dot.  Jabez  said  that  as  far  as  he  was  con 
cerned,  he  preferred  to  have  his  fences  mounted  on  hoss- 
back,  'cause  they  was  easiest  moved,  an'  we  didn't  have  a 
foot  o'  wire  on  the  place.  I  knew  that  no  one  would  ever 
think  o'  me  ridin'  fence,  so  I  just  up  an'  spoke  for  the  job. 

The  foreman,  Hank  Midders  was  his  name,  did  n't  know 
me  an'  he  was  suspicious  of  me  bein'  on  foot.  "  Can  you 
ride  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  used  to  could,"  sez  I.  "  How  many  days'  ridin'  does 
rt  take  to  go  around  ?  " 

"  We  don't  ride  that  way,"  sez  he,  "  we  put  two  men  in  a 
camp  an'  they  ride  out  fifteen  miles  an'  then  double  back." 


2o8  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  They  waste  the  return  trip,"  sez  I. 

"  We  think  different,"  sez  he.  "  We  keep  a  big  run  o' 
cows,  an'  we  want  the  whole  fence  rode  twice  a  day.  We 
allus  have  plenty  o'  good  ridin'  ponies/' 

"  Well,  they  ain't  ridin'  on  my  time,"  sez  I,  "  so  it  ain't 
nothing  to  me.  Do  I  get  the  job  ?  " 

"  Where  you  been  ridin'  at  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  At  the  Lion  Head,  for  Jim  Jimison,"  sez  I. 

"  I  've  seen  some  o'  their  stuff,"  sez  he.  "  It 's  a  good 
outfit ;  but  it 's  a  rather  lengthy  walk  from  here." 

"  Yes,  I  stopped  off  a  while  in  Californie  an'  Idaho  to 
rest,"  sez  I.  "  Do  I  get  the  job?  " 

"  We  don't  find  a  man's  saddle  an'  bridle  for  him," 
sez  he. 

"  I  got  mine  cached  over  at  Danders,"  sez  I,  recallin'  the 
ones  I  had  left  there  before  I  went  into  business. 

"  What 's  your  name  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  ain't  nowise  choicy,"  sez  I,  "  call  me  anything  you 
want." 

"  I  guess  you  won't  do,"  sez  he,  ridin'  on  into  Danders. 

I  reached  it  myself  about  two  hours  later,  an'  went  to  the 
hotel.  Hank  was  settin'  by  the  stove  when  I  came  into  the 
bar-room.  The'  was  eight  or  ten  other  fellers  still  restin' 
from  last  summer's  work ;  but  I  did  n't  see  the  old  land 
lord.  "  Where  's  Peabody  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  He  's  dead,"  sez  a  tall,  snarley  lookin'  feller ;  "  what  do 
ya  want  with  him  ?  " 

"  I  don't  want  nothin'  with  him  —  if  he  's  dead,"  sez  I. 
"  Who  's  runnin'  this  place  now  ?  " 

"  I  am,"  sez  the  snarley  one.    I  did  n't  take  to  him  at  all. 

"  Would  you  be  so  kind  enough  as  to  tell  me  where  my 
saddle  an'  bridle  is  ?  "  sez  I  in  my  softest  voice. 


IN    RETIREMENT  209 

"  What  the  'ell  do  1  know  about  your  saddle  an'  bridle?" 
sez  he. 

"  I  left  'em  here  with  Peabody,"  sez  I. 

"  How  would  I  know  it  was  yours  ?  "  sez  he,  sneerin'. 

"  I  'd  recognize  it,"  sez  I.    "  It  had  H.  H.  burned  into  it." 

"What  does  H.  H.  stand  for?"  sez  he. 

"  It  stands  for  Henry  Higinson  —  sometimes,"  sez  I. 
Then  I  turned  to  the  bar  mop  an'  said,  "  Where  's  that  saddle 
an'  bridle?" 

"  Why,  it 's  back  in  —  "  he  began ;  but  Snarley  snaps  in : 
"  You  shut  up,  will  ya?  Even  if  this  puncher  did  leave 
an  old  saddle  here  years  ago,  I  bought  everything  on  the 
place  from  Peabody,  an'  the  storage  on  the  rubbish  would 
amount  to  more  than  it 's  worth." 

"  That 's  kind  o'  new  doctrine  out  this  way,"  sez  I ;  "  an* 
I  'm  'bliged  to  request  you  to  produce  the  articles  so  I 
can  claim  'em  up." 

"  You  go  ahead  an'  make  me  do  it,"  sez  he,  grinnin'. 

"Wouldn't  you  sooner  do  it  of  your  own  free  will?" 
sez  I,  like  a  missionary  tryin'  to  get  up  enthusiasm  over 
a  donation. 

"  I  'm  good  an'  sick  o'  your  fool  nonsense,"  sez  he,  comin' 
down  toward  me.  I  was  wearin'  a  gun  on  each  leg,  an'  I 
pulled  'em  out  an'  punctuated  both  his  ears  at  one  time; 
but  I  never  stopped  smilin'.  He  grabbed  an  ear  in  each 
hand  an'  begun  to  swear  in  a  foreign  langwidge,  dancin' 
around  most  comical.  "  Won't  you  please  get  my  leather 
for  me,"  sez  I,  "  or  would  you  sooner  have  me  guess  off 
the  center  o'  those  two  shots  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  he  roared,  usin'  a  lot  o'  high-power  words  'at 
ain't  needful  in  repetin',  "take  your  blame  junk  an'  get 
out  o'  here." 

14 


2io  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

I  nodded  to  the  bar  mop.  "  Shall  I  get  'em,  Frenchy?" 
sez  he. 

"  Yes,  for  heaven's  sake,  get  'em,"  sez  the  snarley  one, 
while  some  o'  the  boys  snickered,  but  not  too  noticeable. 

Well,  they  was  my  saddle  an'  bridle  all  right,  an'  I 
thanked  the  bar  mop  an'  flung  'em  in  a  corner.  Then  I 
went  over  an'  sat  down  by  Hank  Midders.  "  Did  you  get 
your  fence-rider  yet  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  No,  I  ain't  got  him  yet,  but  I  got  two  days  to  look  for 
him  in,"  he  sez. 

Just  then  who  should  come  in  but  the  same  old  Diamond 
Dot  hand  who  had  beat  me  out  of  the  pony.  "  Well,  sign 
my  name !  If  there  ain't  Happy  Hawkins !  "  sez  he,  rushin' 
over  an'  shakin'  my  hand.  "  Still  in  business,  Happy  ? " 
sez  he. 

"Nope,  I 've  retired,"  sez  I. 

"  You  'd  ought  to  have  stuck  around  here  until  that  tourist 
went  home  from  his  vacation,"  sez  Bill,  —  I  reckon  his 
name  was  still  Bill,  though  for  the  life  o'  me  I  can't  remem 
ber  it  plain,  —  "  he  got  the  whole  town  hilarious  on  account 
o'  the  joke  we  'd  played  on  him.  He  was  game  all  right, 
an'  he  got  me  a  job  out  to  his  uncle's,  which  I  've  held 
ever  since  —  off  an'  on." 

"  Happy?  "  sez  Hank  Midders,  "  Happy  what?" 

"  Happy  Hawkins,"  sez  Bill.  "  Have  n't  you  never  heard 
o'  Happy  Hawkins  ?  " 

"  Happy  Hawkins  is  down  in  the  Texas  Pan  Handle," 
sez  I,  in  a  matter-o'-fact  voice.  "  Don't  forget  that, 
Bill." 

"  Surest  thing  there  is,"  sez  Bill,  winkin'.  "  I  seen  him 
get  on  the  train  myself." 

"  When  will  supper  be  ready,  Frenchy  ? "  I  sez  to  the 


IN    RETIREMENT  211 

snarley  one,  who  had  been  puttin'  some  grease  on  his  ears 
an'  wishin'  he  'd  had  better  manners. 

"  In  about  an  hour,"  sez  he,  an'  I  knew  the'  would  n't 
be  any  more  trouble  from  him.  He  was  one  o'  these  fellers 
what  can  take  a  lickin'  without  gettin'  all  broke  up  over 
it,  an'  he'd  be  just  as  gay  about  bluffin'  the  next  stranger 
as  ever,  an'  he  'd  be  just  as  dominatin'  over  them  what  he 
had  already  bluffed. 

"  Well,  I  'm  goin'  out  for  a  little  stroll,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  '11 
be  back  in  time  for  supper,  an'  I  '11  likely  be  hungry." 

I  knew  they  'd  all  want  to  ask  a  few  questions,  so  I  went 
outside  an'  walked  down  the  street.  I  couldn't  make  up 
my  mind  what  to  do,  an'  I  wanted  that  fence-ridin'  job  more 
than  ever.  When  I  turned  around  to  come  back,  I  see  Hank 
Midders  walkin'  toward  me.  "  So  you  're  Happy  Haw 
kins  ? "  sez  he. 

"  Well,  that 's  what  some  folks  call  me,"  sez  I. 

"  I  thought  'at  you  had  finally  settled  down  at  the  Dia 
mond  Dot  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  The'  ain't  nothin'  that  I  know  of  that  changes  any 
oftener  than  the  style  in  thoughts,"  sez  I.  "  Do  you  think 
it 's  goin'  to  snow  ?  " 

He  laughed.  "  You  're  Happy  Hawkins  all  right,"  sez 
he.  "Do  you  want  that  fence-ridin'  job?" 

"  That 's  what  I  went  to  the  trouble  o'  rootin'  out  that 
saddle  an'  bridle  for,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  don't  care  to  have  it 
advertised  that  I  'm  ridin'  fence  at  my  time  o'  life,  an'  I 
don't  promise  to  continue  at  it  more  'n  a  few  months." 

"  I  see,"  sez  he,  "  an'  it  '11  be  all  right.  Kid  Porter  '11  be 
down  with  the  buckboard  day  after  to-morrow,  an'  you  can 
go  out  with  him." 

When  I  went  back  I  see  that  Bill  had  n't  spared  no  details 


212  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

to  make  me  interesting  an'  all  the  boys  was  friendly  to  me 
• — an'  called  me  Higinson.  Me  an'  Frenchy  got  along  all 
right,  an'  when  I  threw  my  saddle  an'  bridle  into  the  back 
o'  the  buckboard,  an'  sez,  "  Well,  good-bye,  fellers !  I  'm 
on  my  way  to  the  Pan  Handle,"  they  all  calls  out,  "  Good 
bye,  Happy!  If  any  o'  your  friends  inquire  for  you  we'll 
tell  'em  we  saw  you  start ;  but  the  next  time  you  come  this 
way,  Higinson,  don't  forget  to  drop  in  for  a  little  sport." 

Things  generally  even  up  pretty  well  in  this  life,  an' 
before  we  had  driven  very  far  I  was  able  to  see  where  I  had 
got  full  value  out  o'  that  seven-dollar  pony  'at  Bill  had  beat 
me  out  of.  Kid  Porter  explained  things  to  me  an'  I  saw  it 
was  goin'  to  be  a  purty  fair  sort  of  a  layout.  Our  shack 
was  closer  to  Danders  than  it  was  to  headquarters,  so  we  got 
our  needin's  there.  He  said  that  Colonel  Scott  was  an  all- 
right  man  to  work  for,  but  that  he  'd  only  seen  him  once 
since  he  'd  been  on  the  job. 

Ridin'  fence  is  about  as  excitin'  as  waitin'  for  sun-up, 
an'  after  a  couple  of  months  at  it  I  was  feelin'  the  need  of  a 
little  change,  so  I  drove  down  to  Danders  the  first  day  of 
April,  an'  while  I  was  standin'  on  the  platform  watchin' 
the  train  pull  in  an'  take  water,  a  cute  little  feller  dis 
mounted  an'  after  givin'  me  a  complete  look-over,  he  sez: 
"  Me  good  man,  are  you  a  type  of  this  comunity  ?  " 

I  put  my  hand  to  my  ear  as  though  I  had  heard  a  noise 
close  to  the  ground.  After  a  bit  I  let  my  gaze  rest  on  him 
sort  o'  surprised  like,  an'  then  I  sez  in  a  soft,  oozy  voice, 
like  a  cow  conversin'  to  her  first  calf,  "  Be  you  speakin'  to 
me,  little  one  ?  "  sez  I. 

It  allus  riles  me  some  to  be  called  "  me  good  man."  It 
seems  to  give  me  a  curious,  itchy  feelin'  in  the  right  hand, 
an'  I  have  had  to  make  several  extra  peculiar  speciments 


Me  good  man,  are  you  a  type  of  this  community  ? '  " 


IN    RETIREMENT  213 

dance  a  few  steps  for  no  other  reason;  but  this  little  cuss 
never  batted  an  eye.  He  looks  me  square  in  the  face,  an' 
sez,  "  It  is  perfectly  obious  that  I  could  be  addressin'  nobody 
else.  I  am  out  in  the  West  hunting  for  a  place  to  study 
the  most  pronounced  types  of  American  citizens,  an'  I 
am  very  favorable  impressed  with  your  appearance." 

Did  you  ever  have  a  stranger  brace  you  like  that?  I 
suppose  the  fat  lady  an'  the  livin'  skeleton  gets  used  to  it, 
but  I  allus  feel  a  trifle  too  big  for  my  background.  I  stand 
six  foot  two  an'  dress  easy  an'  comfortable,  an'  some  o'  the 
guys  on  the  trains  allus  seem  to  think  'at  I  'm  part  of  the 
show,  out  for  an  airin'. 

"  Well,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  honey,"  I  sez  to  the  little 
feller,  "  I  ain't  fully  maychured  yet.  We  get  hair  on  our  faces 
pretty  young  out  here,  but  we  don't  get  our  growth  till  we  're 
twenty-five.  I  'm  water-boy  to  the  E.  Z.  outfit.  If  you  want 
to  see  somethin'  worth  lookin'  at,  you  ought  to  come  out 
where  the  men  are.  You  '11  find  American  citizens  out  there, 
a  darn  sight  harder  type  to  pronounce  than  what  I  am. 
They  sent  me  to  town  on  an  errant." 

He  examined  me,  but  I  never  blinked  a  winker,  an'  then 
his  face  lit  up,  like  as  if  he  'd  found  a  whole  plug  of  tobacco, 
when  he  thought  his  last  chew  was  gone.  Finally  he  gave 
a  wink  an'  a  chuckle,  an'  sez,  "  Here,  smoke  a  cigar  on  me, 
an'  tell  me  if  I  can  get  board  out  your  way.  I  think  you  '11 
make  copy." 

He  was  just  what  I  needed  as  a  time-killer,  so  I  spun  him 
a  yarn  about  the  lovely  life  me  an'  Kid  Porter  was  livin'. 
We  jerked  out  his  trunk  just  before  the  train  left,  bought 
a  month's  grub,  an'  came  along  out  to  our  shack.  His  name 
was  William  Sinclair  Hammersly,  an'  the'  never  was  a 
squarer  boy  on  the  face  o'  the  earth,  after  he  'd  shed  off 


214  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

those  spectator  ways.  He  won  my  affections,  as  the  story 
books  say,  before  we  was  out  o'  sight  o'  Danders. 

He  said  he  had  relations  scattered  all  over  the  British  Em 
pire,  an'  owned  up  that  he  had  just  come  back  from  a  long 
visit  to  England,  where  he  had  picked  up  the  "  good  man  " 
habit.  I  told  him  that  it  might  suit  that  climate  all  right,  but 
that  out  our  way  I  could  n't  recommend  it  to  a  peace-lovin' 
man  for  every-day  use.  He  thanked  me  an'  said  he  was 
ashamed  to  know  so  little  about  his  own  country,  this  bein' 
the  first  time  he  had  ever  been  west  of  Philadelphia.  He  said 
that  he  was  minded  to  become  an  author,  an'  had  come  out  to 
study  the  aboriginal  types  an'  get  the  true  local  color.  When 
ever  I  hear  this  little  bunch  o'  sounds,  I  know  I  got  a 
nibble.  Any  time  a  man  goes  nosin'  around  after  local 
color,  you  can  bet  your  saddle  he  's  got  several  zigzags  in 
his  think-organ. 

These  fellers  is  a  breed  to  themselves.  I  would  n't  ex 
actly  call  'em  wise  —  wordy  'd  come  a  sight  nearer  fittin' 
these  local-color  fellers  without  wrinklin'.  The'  's  a  ringin' 
in  my  ears  yet  from  the  time  that  I  was  penned  up  with 
Hammy  an'  Locals,  an'  this  one  had  a  good  many  o'  the 
same  outward  an'  visible  signs,  but  more  o'  the  inward  an' 
spiritual  grace,  as  Friar  Tuck  sez. 

Bill  slid  right  into  our  mode  of  livin'  like  a  younger 
brother,  but  it  took  us  some  consid'able  time  to  savvy  his 
little  private  oddities.  The'  was  one  wide  bunk  in  the  shack 
an'  one  narrow  one.  Me  an'  Bill  took  the  wide  one,  but  it 
was  n't  so  eternal  wide  that  a  feller  could  flop  around  alto 
gether  accordin'  to  the  dictates  of  his  own  conscience.  When 
she  was  carryin'  double  we  had  to  hold  a  little  consultation 
of  war,  to  see  whether  we  'd  turn  over  or  not. 

We  used  to  start  out  early  in  the  mornin',  an'  if  the* 


IN    RETIREMENT  215 

was  n't  much  fixin'  to  be  done  we  got  back  long  before  dark. 
About  seven-thirty  was  our  perchin'  time  before  Bill  took 
a  hand,  but  after  that  we  got  so  convivual  that  sometimes 
we  'd  sit  up  till  purt'  nigh  half -past  nine,  playin'  cut-throat 
an'  swappin'  tales.  Sleep  allus  was  a  kind  of  a  nuisance  to 
Bill.  Purt'  nigh  every  night  when  me  an'  the  Kid  would 
stretch  ourselves  out,  Bill  would  speak  a  piece  about  "  God 
bless  the  man  what  first  invented  sleep  " ;  but  he  was  only 
joshin',  an'  all  the  time  he  was  sayin'  it  he  'd  be  buildin'  up 
the  fire  an'  changin'  his  clothes.  He  had  one  suit  which 
he  never  wore  for  nothin'  except  just  to  sleep  in.  Pajamers, 
he  called  'em,  an'  they  sure  was  purty. 

Well,  he  'd  put  on  this  suit  an'  a  pair  o'  red-pointed 
slippers,  light  his  pipe,  pick  his  guitar,  an'  saw  his  fiddle 
till  along  toward  mornin',  all  the  while  singin'  little  batches 
o'  song  an'  speakin'  pieces.  Then  he'd  heave  a  sigh  an' 
lay  down  alongside  o'  me;  but  in  about  fifteen  minutes  he  'd 
jump  out  o'  bed,  sayin',  "That's  good!  That's  great!  I 
must  n't  lose  that !  "  an'  he  'd  get  out  a  book  an'  write  some 
thing  into  it.  Sometimes  he  'd  laugh  over  it  an'  sometimes 
he  'd  cry. 

The  Kid  'd  never  had  no  experiences  with  geniuses  before, 
an'  at  first  he  feared  that  he  might  get  violent  durin'  the 
night,  so  he  took  his  gun  to  bed  with  him,  but  I  knowed 
the'  was  n't  a  mite  o'  danger  in  him.  When  breakfast  was 
ready  we  purt'  nigh  had  to  get  a  hoss  to  pull  him  out  o' 
bed. 

I  was  interested  in  his  tales  of  foreign  countries,  an'  he 
used  to  tell  me  all  about  the  castles  he  had  been  to.  One 
day  I  happened  to  think  of  the  letter  what  the  drug  clerk  at 
Slocum's  Luck  had  wrote  us,  an'  I  asked  Bill  what  kind  of 
a  lookin'  place  Clarenden  Castle  was. 


216  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"Clarenden  Castle?"  sez  Bill.  "Where  the  deuce  did 
you  ever  hear  of  Clarenden  Castle?" 

"  Well,  I  might  have  heard  of  it  from  the  younger  son," 
sez  I.  "  He  came  over  to  this  country,  you  know." 

"  Where  is  he  now  ?  "  sez  Bill,  mighty  interested. 

"  Minin'  law  is,  that  the  first  feller  what  stakes  out  a 
claim  gets  it,"  sez  I.  "  Now  my  question  staked  out  the 
first  claim.  You  answer  my  questions  an'  then  we'll  be 
ready  for  yours." 

"  Humph,"  sez  Bill. 

"Where  is  St.  James  Court,  Bill?"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  I  never  expected  you  to  know  anything  about 
such  things !  "  sez  Bill. 

"  'T  is  wonderful  how  intelligent  some  trained  animals 
are,  ain't  it  ?  "  sez  I,  sarcastic.  "  But  you  must  remember, 
little  one,  that  I  've  been  livin'  right  in  the  house  with 
folks  a  good  part  of  my  life.  Now  if  you  '11  just  answer 
my  questions  the  same  as  if  I  was  human,  I  '11  sit  up  an* 
beg,  jump  over  a  stick,  an'  do  all  my  other  tricks  for  you." 
Bill  would  allus  tumble  if  you  hit  him  hard  enough,  so  after 
a  bit  he  grinned  an'  said,  "  Well,  Clarenden  Castle  is  one 
o'  the  seats  of  the  Cleighton  family  —  " 

"  Seat?  "  sez  I.    "  I  allus  thought  it  was  a  house." 

"  You  see,  over  in  England  they  call  —  "  Bill  began  to 
explain  it  to  me  an'  then  he  saw  me  grinnin'  an'  he  broke 
off  short.  "  I  know  what  a  seat  is,  Bill,"  sez  I.  "  They  have 
country  seats  an'  town  seats;  but  some  o'  you  fellers  pout 
when  you  're  obliged  to  live  up  to  the  rules,  an'  I  wanted 
to  see  if  you  was  square  enough  to  own  up  after  you  'd 
been  shown  —  the'  's  lots  o'  fellers,  not  as  well  edicated  as 
you,  who  can't  do  it  without  groanin'." 

Bill  studied  out  this  last  remark  before  he  answered,  an* 


IN    RETIREMENT  217 

I  was  glad  to  notice  it.  Most  fellers  look  for  a  marked 
passage,  but  I  like  to  train  'em  out  to  pan  everything  I  say, 
an'  then  do  their  own  testin'.  Bill  was  all  right.  "  Now, 
dear  teacher,"  sez  he,  "  if  we  are  through  with  that  lesson, 
we  shall  return  to  the  original  subject."  We  both  laughed, 
lookin'  into  each  other's  eyes,  an'  it  did  us  good. 

"  Now  this  Cleighton  family  is  a  great  family  in  England 
and  Scotland,"  sez  Bill.  "  The  Earl  of  Clarenden  is  the 
head  of  one  branch  an'  the  Duke  of  Avondale  is  the  head 
of  another.  The  sons  are  called  lords,  an'  they  have  lots 
of  land,  but  are  running  shy  on  money,  an'  the  main  stem 
of  the  family  is  getting  purty  well  thinned  out." 

"  About  this  younger  son  that  came  to  America,  now  ?  " 
sez  I. 

"  Well,  the  present  Earl  married  beneath  him  —  I  visited 
close  to  Clarenden  Castle,  an'  I  know  all  about  it,"  sez  Bill. 
"  He  married  an  American  girl  with  lots  of  money,  Florence 
Jamison  of  Philadelphia." 

"Jamison?  "  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  Jamison,"  sez  Bill.  "  I  suppose  you  are  well  ac 
quainted  with  the  Philadelphia  Jamisons  ?  " 

"  Well,  that  name  does  awaken  a  purty  tol'able  fair- 
sized  echo,"  sez  I,  "  but  still,  to  be  perfectly  frank  with 
you,  me  an'  the  Jamisons  ain't  on  what  you  could  call  inti 
mate  terms  any  more." 

"  I  'm  glad  to  learn  it,"  sez  Bill.  "  I  'd  hate  to  think  that 
I  had  irritated  you  by  implicatin'  that  it  was  a  come-down 
for  an  English  Earl  to  marry  into  your  circle."  Bill  most 
generally  squoze  all  the  dampness  out  of  his  jokes.  "  This 
was  his  second  marriage,"  Bill  went  on,  "  an'  he  had  one 
son  by  it,  named  James  Arthur  Fitzhugh  Patrick  —  " 

"  That 's  plenty  for  me,"  sez  I,  breakin'  in.     "  The  first 


218  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

two  names  is  interestin'  to  me,  but  the'  ain't  no  use  loadin' 
down  a  feller  with  names  till  he  has  to  pay  excess  baggage 
on  'em.  Now,  how  did  this  one  get  to  be  a  younger  son  ?  " 

"  Why,  the  first  marriage  of  the  Earl  also  resulted  in  a 
son,"  sez  Bill.  "  His  first  wife  was  a  lady  of  quality,  but 
she  had  a  weak  constitution  an'  the  son  has  epolepsy.  The 
younger  son  was  fitted  for  the  army,  but  he  got  into  a  scrape, 
was  given  a  lump  sum  by  his  father,  an'  came  to  this  country, 
where  he  disappeared.  He  also  had  an  inheritance  from 
an  aunt,  a  maiden  sister  of  his  mother,  who  did  n't  like  the 
first  son  for  a  minute." 

"  What  kind  of  a  scrape  did  the  youngster  get  into,  Bill?  " 
sez  I. 

"  He  was  engaged  to  the  daughter  of  the  curat  at  Avon- 
dale  Chapel,"  sez  Bill,  "  an'  he  bein'  the  heir  presumptive  to 
the  title  —  " 

"  What  is  that,  Bill?  "sez  I. 

"  The  one  what  gets  the  title  as  soon  as  the  one  who  is 
holding  it,  dies,  is  the  heir  apparent,  an'  the  one  who  gets 
the  next  chance  is  the  heir  presumptive.  It 's  a  legal  term 
an'  —  " 

"  Never  mind  explainin'  it  then,"  sez  I,  "  If  I  was  to 
live  as  long  as  Methusleh,  all  I  'd  know  about  law  would 
be  that  ignorance  was  n't  no  excuse  for  it ;  but  what  is  a 
curat  ?  " 

"  A  curate  is  a  sort  of  preacher,"  sez  Bill. 

"  I  thought  it  was  some  kind  of  a  doctor.  But  what  in 
thunder  did  you  mean  when  you  said  that  gettin'  engaged 
to  the  daughter  of  one  was  a  scrape  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Wrhy,  it  would  n't  do  for  the  heir  presumptive  to  Clar- 
enden,  and  a  possible  claimant  to  Avondale,  to  get  engaged 
to  a  person  in  that  station  of  life ;  he  had  to  make  up  either 


IN    RETIREMENT  219 

to  a  heap  of  money  or  else  a  big  title;  he  simply  had  to 
marry  a  lady  of  quality,"  sez  Bill. 

"  So  he  could  contribute  his  share  of  epolepsy  to  the 
family  collection,"  I  suppose,"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  James  gets  an  awful  callin'  down,"  sez  Bill,  "  an' 
he  cuts  loose  from  the  family  an'  goes  to  live  in  London, 
where  he  's  a  leftenant.  Richard  Cleighton,  his  cousin,  who 
is  the  heir  presumptive,  once  removed,  sneaks  down  there 
an'  comes  back  with  the  report  that  James  is  married  to 
Alice  LeMoyne,  a  music-hall  dancer." 

"  Jim  swung  purty  wide  in  his  taste  for  women,  did  n't 
he?"  sez  I. 

"  The  upshot  of  it  was,"  sez  Bill,  never  heedin'  me,  "  that 
they  settled  with  James,  an'  he  lit  out  —  his  mother  had  died 
several  years  before.  About  four  years  after,  this  Alice 
LeMoyne  dies,  an,  on  her  deathbed  she  confesses  that  she 
is  the  wife  of  Richard  Cleighton  an'  helped  to  put  up 
the  job  on  James  to  get  him  out  of  the  way,  as  the  heir 
apparent  did  n't  look  like  a  long-liver,  an'  she  thought 
she  would  like  to  be  an  Erless,  with  a  chance  of  being  a 
Duchess  even." 

"  An'  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  this  low-grade  Dick 
Cleighton  puts  up  that  job  on  Jim,  just  so  he  can  beat  him 
to  the  title  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Yes,"  sez  Bill,  "  you  see  he  was  the  heir  presumptive, 
only  once  removed." 

"  Well,  if  I  'd  had  the  job  o'  removin',"  sez  I,  "  once  would 
'a'  been  plenty." 

"  That  put  Richard  out  o'  the  runnin',"  sez  Bill.  "  Lord 
Wilfred,  the  apparent,  was  livin'  along  all  right,  an'  the 
old  Earl  had  come  to  the  conclusion  that  when  it  came  to 
a.  presumptive,  he  'd  sooner  have  Jim ;  so  he  turned  the  hose 


220  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

on  Dick,  an'  started  out  to  find  Jim.  Jim  wrote  'em  from 
New  York  that  he  was  goin'  to  South  Africa,  an'  then  he 
wrote  'cm  from  Australia  that  he  was  goin'  to  India,  an' 
then  he  wrote  'em  from  —  " 

"  Oh,  those  was  only  jokes,"  sez  I.  "  Jim  's  all  right ;  but 
what  become  of  Dick  ?  " 

"Nobody  knows,"  sez  Bill,  "an'  nobody  cares.  He's 
got  lots  better  health  than  Lord  Wilfred,  but  he's  got 
some  epolepsy,  too,  an'  he  's  a  mean  sneak.  His  mother  was 
insane,  but  she  left  him  a  little  bunch  of  money." 

"  She  must  have  had  more  quality  than  the  average  of 
'em ; "  sez  I,  "  but  hanged  if  I  would  n't  sooner  do  without 
the  quality  than  to  have  all  that  epolepsy  thrown  in  with  it. 
Jim  's  all  right  though,  I  '11  say  that  for  the  breed." 

"  Yes,  Jim  was  a  fine  feller  from  all  accounts,"  sez  Bill, 
"  but  where  the  Jink  did  you  meet  up  with  him  ?  " 

"  It 's  a  state  secret,"  sez  I,  "  or  I  'd  let  you  in.  Jim  's 
doin'  fine  an'  I  would  n't  for  the  world  have  him  dragged 
down  where  he  'd  have  to  marry  up  with  a  lot  o'  quality. 
Now  while  you  're  givin'  your  concert,  I  'm  goin'  out  an' 
check  up  the  stars." 

I  wras  purty  well  pleased  with  Bill.  I  had  bothered  him  all 
I  could  in  the  tellin'  an'  yet  he  had  kept  his  temper  an* 
handed  out  the  facts ;  an'  I  wanted  to  go  over  'em  forward 
an'  back  till  I  could  get  the  full  hang  of  'em.  It  was  won 
derful  queer  how  a  ridin'  man  like  me  had  brushed  shoulders, 
as  you  might  say,  with  the  Earl  of  Clarenden,  an'  I  was 
beginnin'  to  think  that  old  Mrs.  Fate  was  stirrin'  things  up 
a  shade  extra.  As  a  usual  thing  I  don't  go  into  scandal 
an'  gossip  so  prodigious ;  but  I  was  hungry  to  have  another 
look  at  Jim,  now  that  I  knew  he  was  the  son  of  an  Earl, 
an'  I  decided  to  pull  out  an'  give  the  Pan  Handle  a  look-over 


IN    RETIREMENT  221 

as  soon  as  it  was  handy.  I  spent  about  two  hours  that  night 
lookin'  at  the  stars  an'  wishin'  they  could  tell  me  all  they  'd 
ever  seen.  They  knew  all  that  Barbie  wanted  to  know,  an* 
I  did  n't  seem  able  to  git  on  the  track,  in  spite  of  me  readin' 
detective  stories  every  chance  I  had. 


CHAPTER  EIGHTEEN 

CUPID 

WELL,  I  didn't  go  down  to  the  Pan  Handle  after  all.  I 
just  fatten  on  a  new  variety  of  entertainment  an'  the  sample 
that  Bill  was  puttin'  out  amused  me  to  the  limit.  Me 
an'  Bill  drove  down  to  Danders  on  the  first  o'  May  to  get 
some  grub.  Most  o'  this  breed  has  a  purty  tol'able  active 
thirst,  but  Bill  was  unusual  harmless  when  it  came  to  storin' 
away  liquor.  About  the  only  excitement  Danders  held  out 
to  a  temperance  crank  was  goin'  down  to  the  depot  to  watch 
the  train  come  in.  This  time  the  west-bound  had  to  take  a 
sidin'  and  wait  twenty  minutes  for  the  east-bound;  an'  a 
feller  got  his  dog  out  o'  the  baggage  car  an'  started  to 
climb  the  mountains. 

You  fellers  all  know  how  this  air  is,  but  a  stranger  thinks 
he  can  spit  on  a  mountain  that 's  ten  miles  off.  When  the 
whistle  blew,  he  made  a  good  run  an'  got  on  all  right ;  but 
the  pup  was  havin'  the  time  of  his  life  an'  missed  his  chance 
of  gettin'  on  the  same  car  that  the  feller  did.  He  was 
game  all  right  an'  give  a  purty  jump  onto  the  front  platform 
of  the  last  car,  where  a  big  buck  nigger  was  standin'  with 
a  white  coat  on.  He  give  the  pup  a  kick  under  the  chin  an* 
sent  him  rollin'  over  backward. 

"  Why,  the  vile  wretch ! "  yells  Bill,  at  the  same  time 
snatchin'  my  gun  out  of  the  holster.  I  had  barely  time  to 
bump  up  his  arm,  an'  even  as  it  was  he  knocked  the  paint 
off  right  above  the  coon's  head.  Bill  turned  on  me  with 
his  eyes  snappin'  sparks,  an'  in  a  voice  as  cold  as  the  click 


"  Cupid  " 


CUPID  223 

of  a  Winchester,  he  sez,  "  Next  time,  John  Hawkins,  I  '11 
thank  you  to  mind  your  own  business."  An'  he  held  the  gun 
kind  o'  friendly  like,  with  the  muzzle  pointin'  at  my  watch 
pocket. 

I  own  up  I  was  jarred ;  he  'd  been  as  gentle  as  a  butter 
fly  up  to  that  minute,  an'  here  he  was  lookin'  into  me  with 
the  chilly  eyes  of  a  killin'  man ;  but  I  put  a  little  edge  on  my 
own  voice  an'  sez,  "  Heretofore,  I  allus  counted  it  my  busi 
ness  to  look  after  what  my  own  gun  was  engaged  in  doin'. 
When  you  're  sure  that  you  're  all  through  with  it,  I  '11  thank 
you  to  return  it  to  where  you  found  it." 

Then  I  turned  on  my  heel  an'  strode  up  toward  town ; 
but  he  grabbed  me  by  the  shoulder  an'  whirled  me  around. 
"  Here  's  your  gun,  Happy,"  sez  he.  "  You  know  I  did  n't 
aim  to  offend  you.  It  was  that  confounded  Zulu  'at  riled 
me  up." 

The  pup  had  give  up  his  chase  after  the  train  an*  was 
comin'  back  the  track  to  town,  lookin'  mighty  down  in  the 
mouth  —  he  had  a  purty  prominent  mouth,  too,  the  pup 
had.  He  was  a  brindle  bull ;  not  one  o'  these  that  look  like 
an  Injun  idol,  but  a  nice,  clean-built,  upstandin'  feller  with 
a  quiet,  business-like  air. 

"  Purty  tough  on  the  pup  to  be  turned  out  to  starve  this 
way,"  sez  I. 

"  Who  's  goin'  to  let  him  starve?  "  sez  Bill.  "  Come  here, 
old  feller." 

"  Better  look  out,"  sez  I,  "  bulldogs  is  fierce." 

"  So  is  men,"  sez  Bill ;  "  an'  besides,  this  ain't  no  bull 
dog,  this  is  a  London  brindle  bull-terrier,  an'  a  cracker  jack. 
Look  at  the  brass  collar  he  's  wearin'.  This  ain't  no  stray. 
I  '11  telegraph  ahead  an'  see  if  they  want  him  expressed." 

Bill  caught  the  feller  at  the  next  station,  an'  he  telegraphed 


224  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

back  that  he  'd  been  havin'  trouble  with  the  pup  all  along 
the  line ;  an'  if  we  'd  keep  him  a  month,  he  'd  stop  an'  get 
him  on  his  way  back.  He  sent  us  ten  dollars  to  pay  expenses. 
I  never  believed  that  they  could  send  money  by  telegraph 
before;  but  I  saw  the  agent  give  it  to  Bill,  with  my  own 
eyes. 

We  all  went  to  the  hotel  for  dinner,  the  pup  lookin' 
miserable  sorrowful.  Frenchy  was  goin'  to  kick  the  pup 
out  —  he  was  a  low-grade  heathen,  but  he  was  big  an'  he 
did  n't  mind  a  little  trouble  now  and  again. 

"  If  this  dog  can't  eat  here,  neither  can  I,"  sez  Bill,  "  but 
as  for  your  kickin'  him  out,  you  'd  better  pray  for  guidance 
before  you  tackle  that  job." 

"  Do  you  think  I  'm  afraid  o'  that  cur?  "  sneers  Frenchy. 

"  Cur!  "  yells  Bill.  "  Cur?  Why  you  maul-headed,  mis 
shapen  blotch  on  the  face  o'  nature,  what  do  you  mean  by 
callin'  this  dog  a  cur !  I  never  saw  this  dog  before  to-day ; 
but  I  '11  bet  ten  to  one  that  I  can  find  out  who  his  great- 
great-grandfather's  great-great-grandfather  was ;  an'  I 
doubt  if  you  know  who  your  own  father  happened  to  be." 

Bill  was  firin'  at  random  o'  course,  but  it  looked  as  if  he 
had  hit  somethin'.  Frenchy  was  fair  crazy.  He  pulled  out 
his  gun  an'  came  chargin'  down  on  us.  Bill  tried  to  get 
mine  again,  but  I  thought  I  'd  better  run  it  myself  just  then. 
I  covered  Frenchy,  Frenchy  covered  Bill,  an'  the  bull  pup 
turned  his  back  on  us  and  looked  down  toward  the  depot, 
to  see  if  his  train  was  comin'  back. 

"  Better  put  up  your  gun,  Frenchy,"  I  sez,  soft  as  a  wood 
dove,  "  or  you  '11  get  this  office  all  mussed  up." 

Well,  he  knew  me;  so  we  arbitrated  a  little  an'  then  we 
all  went  in  an'  the  pup  et  his  dinner  like  any  other  Christian, 
payin'  for  it  himself  out  of  his  own  money.  First  thing 


/• 


" «  Better  put  up  your  gun,  Frenchy,  er  you  '11  git  this  office 
all  mussed  up  '  " 


CUPID  225 

after  dinner,  Bill  went  out  an'  bought  a  gun  of  his  own,  an* 
I  scented  trouble.  He  was  n't  old  enough  to  shoot  only 
from  principle,  not  merely  for  practice. 

The'  was  another  young  feller  at  Frenchy's  with  a  lot 
o'  hot  money  in  his  clothes.  He  seemed  to  have  a  deep-felt 
prejudice  against  fire,  too,  the  way  he  was  blowin'  it  in. 
When  Bill  came  back,  the  young  feller  tried  to  buy  the  dog 
from  him.  Bill  was  polite  an'  refused  to  sell,  givin'  as  the 
main  reason  that  the  dog  did  n't  fully  belong  to  him  yet,  but 
the  feller  pestered  around  until  finally  he  offered  Bill  two 
hundred  dollars  for  the  dog. 

"  You  ain't  no  fool  when  it  comes  to  a  dog,"  sez  Bill, 
"  but  I  'm  givin'  you  the  honest  truth.  This  here  pup  don't 
belong  to  me  —  though  if  I  can  buy  him  I  sure  intend  to 
do  it." 

"  How  far  would  you  go  when  it  came  to  payin'  for  him  ?  " 
sez  the  man. 

"  Well,  I  'd  give  two  fifty  for  him  just  on  speculation," 
sez  Bill.  "  He  's  put  together,  this  pup  is ;  but  I  did  n't 
suppose  'at  you  people  out  here  in  the  cattle  country  would 
know  enough  about  the  points  of  a  dog,  to  offer  two  hundred 
for  just  a  fancy  one." 

"  I  don't  know  nothin'  about  the  points  o'  that  dog,"  sez 
the  feller.  "  I  never  even  saw  a  dog  like  that  one  before ;  but 
when  I  see  a  man  willin'  to  go  the  pace  you  went  for  this 
dog,  I  'd  kind  o'  sort  o'  like  to  own  the  dog." 

Bill  got  interested  in  the  feller  an'  began  pumpin'  him  for 
what  he  called  copy.  The  young  feller  had  punched  cattle 
most  of  his  life,  blowin'  in  his  wages  at  variegated  intervals. 
About  a  month  before  he  had  slipped  over  to  Laramie  an* 
had  gone  against  Silver  Dick's  game,  winnin'  over  eleven 
hundred  dollars.  He  said  that  Silver  Dick  was  plumb  on 

15 


226  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

the  square  an'  that  he  never  intended  to  work  again,  just 
spend  down  to  his  last  hundred  an'  then  go  an'  play  at 
Silver  Dick's.  Bill  got  a  paper  an'  figured  out  what  he 
called  percents,  showin'  how  an  outsider  was  bound  to  lose 
to  the  game  in  the  end;  but  most  o'  the  fellers  there  had 
been  up  against  Dick's  game  an'  they  took  sides  against 
Bill,  tryin'  to  prove  that  they  stood  a  show  to  win,  until 
finally  Bill  give  it  up  an'  we  started  back  home. 

When  we  started  home,  Bill  was  still  discoursin'  about 
us  Westerners.  He  said  that  we  was  n't  nothin'  but  a  lot  o' 
children  playin'  games  an'  believin'  in  fairy  tales,  that  we 
never  provided  for  the  future,  that  we  was  allus  willin'  to 
risk  anything  we  had  on  some  fool  thing  that  would  n't  ben 
efit  us  none,  an'  so  on  until  I  got  weary  of  it,  an'  after  I  'd 
took  a  shuffle  I  dealt  him  out  this  hand. 

"An'  the"s  another  breed,"  sez  I,  "that  ain't  nothin' 
but  children  an'  that 's  the  writers.  An  idea  comes  along 
an'  stings  'em  like  a  bee,  an'  they  immejetly  begin  to 
swell.  They  swell  an'  swell  until  the  whole  earth  ain't 
nothin'  but  the  background  for  that  bee-sting.  They  howl 
about  it  as  if  it  was  the  most  important  thing  in  creation; 
but  if  you  call  around  next  week,  you  find  that  swellin' 
gone  down  an'  they  're  howlin'  just  as  fierce  over  a  new 
swellin'  where  a  different  idea  has  stung  'em ;  ain't  it  so  ?  " 

"  Not  exactly,"  sez  Bill ;  "  for  we  set  down  our  thoughts 
an'  emotions  while  we  're  smartin'  from  the  sting  an'  the 
other  fellers  can  get  the  sense  of  'em  an'  pass  judgment 
on  'em  in  cold  blood  without  gettin'  stung  at  all." 

"  Well,  you  landed  there,"  sez  I,  "  but  the'  was  n't  one  o' 
those  fellers  there  to-day,  who  was  a  quarter  whit  more 
childish  'n  what  you  was.  Talk  about  providin'  for  their  fu 
ture!  Why,  the  way  you  went  on  over  this  stray  pup,  purt* 


CUPID  227 

nigh  put  you  in  the  position  of  a  man  who  did  n't  have  no 
future  to  provide  for,  an'  what  in  thunder  good  can  this  here 
pup  ever  do  you,  no  matter  what  happens  ?  " 

The  pup  was  sittin'  with  his  head  between  Bill's  knees, 
an'  Bill  pulled  his  ear  a  time  or  two,  an'  then  sez,  "  I  reckon 
you  're  right ;  the  whole  earth  ain't  nothin'  but  a  kinder 
garten.  We  all  play  different  games  an'  when  you  stop  an' 
look  at  it  they  all  cost  about  the  same  in  the  end  an'  they 
all  bring  in  about  the  same  profit ;  but  I  'm  glad  I  'm  livin' 
anyhow ;  an'  I  'm  glad  I  've  got  this  dog.  I  'm  special  fond 
o'  dogs." 

You  could  n't  help  likin'  Bill ;  he  allus  played  in  the  open 
an'  when  he  kept  score,  he  give  you  all  the  points  you  made 
without  fussin'  over  'em ;  but  I  did  n't  like  the  look  o'  that 
new  outfit  on  his  hip.  He  was  too  impulsive  to  carry  a  gun, 
an'  he  was  too  young.  Take  it  when  a  man  has  had  some 
experience  in  gun-fightin',  he  gets  purty  sober  over  the 
effect  of  it ;  but  a  young  feller  —  well,  who  on  earth  knows 
what  way  a  young  feller  is  goin'  to  jump  when  he  gets 
touched  up  a  little? 

"  That 's  a  purty  likely  lookin'  gun  you  got  there,  Bill," 
sez  I.  "  Do  you  savvy  how  to  run  one?  " 

He  took  it  out  of  his  pocket  an'  looked  around,  but  the' 
was  n't  nothin'  in  sight  that  needed  killin',  so  he  began  to 
pop  at  an  old  single-tree  lyin'  about  thirty  yards  away.  The 
ponies  were  trottin'  along  purty  jerky,  but  hanged  if  he 
did  n't  hit  it  four  times  out  of  six. 

"  It  don't  just  hang  to  suit  me,"  sez  Bill,  "  but  I  '11  learn  it 
after  a  bit." 

I  looked  at  him  a  moment,  but  he  was  merely  speakin'  his 
mind,  an'  I  sez :  "  Bill,  where  in  Goshen  did  you  get  to  be 
a  killin'  man?" 


228  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  Me?  "  sez  Bill.  "  I  never  shot  a  man  in  my  life,  but  I 
used  to  knock  down  glass  balls  purty  accurate,  an'  I  've 
hunted  big  game  in  Africa  an'  India.  I  don't  want  no 
trouble,  but  I  'm  set  in  my  ways  about  dogs.  It 's  a  heap  o' 
responsibility  to  raise  a  pup ;  but  I  'm  goin'  to  give  this  one 
a  fair  show,  an'  I  'm  goin'  to  own  him  some  way  or  another 
—  I  feel  it  in  my  bones  that  this  here  dog  was  sent  to  me. 
I  had  a  dog,  the  livin'  picture  o'  this  feller  once,  an'  he  traded 
his  life  for  mine,  out  there  in  the  Indian  Jungle.  Now 
don't  ask  me  any  questions  about  it." 

That  night  after  we  'd  got  the  supper  things  red  up,  Bill 
sez :  "  Now  I  don't  want  no  one  to  punish  this  dog  but  me, 
till  he  gets  his  edication.  I  don't  care  a  bean  for  a  trick 
dog;  all  I  expect  him  to  learn  is  just  English  an'  a  part  o' 
the  sign  langwidge,  so  as  he  '11  be  pleasant  company  an'  use 
ful  in  an  emergency.  I  '11  pay  for  any  property  he  destroys, 
but  please  don't  punish  him." 

The  pup  was  about  fifteen  months  old  when  he  came,  an* 
at  first  he  sorrowed  a  heap  for  his  old  boss ;  but  purty  soon 
he  see  that  Bill  knew  more  about  dogs  'n  he  did  himself, 
so  he  just  transferred  his  affections  over  to  Bill.  Bill  never 
raised  his  voice,  he  never  whipped  him  nor  even  threatened 
him;  he  just  reasoned  with  him  an'  explained  why  it  was 
necessary  to  learn  the  conventionalities  o'  polite  society.  It 
took  him  a  solid  week  to  learn  that  pup  how  to  shake  hands, 
an'  yet  Bill  told  us  confidential  that  he  was  certain  that  the 
pup  knew  it  all  the  while;  but  at  the  end  of  the  week  the 
pup  gave  in,  an'  from  that  on  he  was  as  eager  for  knowledge 
as  a  new-born  baby. 

Cupid  was  the  name  of  the  pup,  engraved  right  on  to 
his  brass  collar,  an'  when  he  set  his  mind  on  acquirin'  an 
edication,  he  made  me  an'  the  Kid  leery  'at  he  'd  beat  us  at 


CUPID  229 

the  finish  in  spite  of  our  start.  He  could  walk  on  his  hind 
legs  an'  speak  an'  open  an'  shut  doors  an'  wipe  his  feet  on 
the  door-mat  an'  roll  over  an'  pray  an'  —  oh,  well  he  knew 
'em  all  an'  six  more ;  but  Bill  said  it  was  n't  learnin'  the 
tricks  that  counted,  it  was  learnin'  to  think  for  himself.  Bill 
used  to  put  obstacles  in  his  way,  so  that  the  pup  would  have 
to  cipher  a  while  to  figger  out  how  to  work  it,  an'  this  was 
what  Bill  called  stretchin'  his  intellect  to  match  his  envira- 
ment.  He  was  some  the  solemnest  pup  I  ever  see,  an'  it  was 
kind  o'  creepy  to  see  him  come  to  the  shack,  open  the  door, 
slam  it  after  him,  wipe  his  feet  on  the  burlap,  look  into  Bill's 
face,  an'  give  a  short  bark.  This  was  to  ask  if  Bill  had  any 
new  jobs  for  him. 

I  had  it  all  planned  out  that  the  pup  was  to  sleep  in  the 
wagon  shed ;  but  this  did  n't  look  good  to  the  pup,  nor  to 
Bill,  neither.  When  night  would  come,  Cupid  would  go 
through  his  lessons,  eat  his  supper,  an'  fling  himself  slaunch- 
ways  on  the  wide  bunk.  He  did  n't  weigh  more  'n  sixty 
pounds,  but  they  was  the  solidest  sixty  ever  wrapped  up  in 
a  dog  hide.  He  would  n't  mind  no  one  but  Bill,  an'  it  was 
all  I  could  do  to  get  room  enough  on  the  perch  to  hang  on. 
Then  Bill  would  open  up  his  vau-dee-ville  show,  an'  when 
he'd  simmer  down,  the  pup  would  begin  to  chase  jack- 
rabbits,  which  was  the  most  devilish-lookin'  sight  I  ever  see. 
He  'd  lay  there  with  his  eyelids  rolled  up,  an'  his  eyes 
turned  inside  out,  givin'  short  barks  an'  jerkin'  his  legs. 

"  Bill,"  I  sez  one  night,  "  I  ain't  no  chronic  coward,  but 
doggone  me  if  I  want  to  be  mistook  for  a  jack-rabbit,  an' 
have  this  bulldog  sock  his  ivories  into  me." 

"  He  ain't  no  bulldog,"  snaps  Bill.  "  It  looks  to  me  as  if 
you  might  learn  purty  soon  that  he  's  a  brindle  bull-terrier !  " 

"  Oh,  I  know  that  all  right,  an'  I  *m  willin'  to  swear  to 


230  H  A  P  P  Y    HA  W  K  I  N  S 

it,"  sez  I,  "  but  just  now  it 's  his  teeth,  not  his  ancestors,  that 
are  botherin'  me.  If  I  'm  to  be  mistook  for  a  jack-rabbit, 
I  ain't  nowise  particular  just  which  kind  of  a  bulldog  is 
goin'  to  do  the  mistakin'." 

Bill,  he  smiled  sadly  an'  walked  over  an'  stuck  his  naked 
finger  right  into  the  pup's  mouth.  I  looked  to  see  it  bit 
off,  but  the  pup  only  opened  his  eyes,  looked  foolish,  an' 
tramped  down  another  acre  of  imaginary  grass;  finally 
goin'  to  sleep  again  an'  usin'  my  feet  for  a  piller. 

Talk  about  grit !  That  little  cuss  was  willin'  to  fight  any 
thing  that  walked.  We  took  him  out  to  the  herd  one  day, 
an'  after  he  'd  been  kicked  an'  tossed  an'  trampled,  he  got 
on  to  throwin'  a  steer  by  the  nose,  an'  from  that  on  it  was 
his  favorite  pastime.  He  played  the  game  so  enthusiastic, 
that  I  finally  sez  to  Bill,  "  Bill,  you  must  n't  forget  that 
Colonel  Scott  has  other  uses  for  these  cattle  besides  usin' 
'em  for  dog  exercisers."  From  that  on,  Bill  made  the  pup 
be  a  little  more  temperate  in  the  use  o'  steers. 

The  muscles  on  that  pup  got  to  be  like  hard  rubber,  an' 
you  could  n't  pinch  him  hard  enough  to  make  him  squeak. 
He  allus  took  a  serious  view  o'  life  except  when  the'  was 
a  chance  for  a  little  rough  an'  tumble;  then  his  face  would 
light  up  like  an  angel 's.  Pullin'  on  a  rope  was  his  idee  o' 
draw  poker,  an'  he  could  wear  out  the  whole  bunch  -of  us 
at  it  Bill  fair  idolized  him  —  fact  is,  we  all  thought  a  heap 
of  him ;  but  I  'd  'a'  liked  him  a  mite  better  if  the'  'd  been 
more  bunks  in  the  shack. 

If  he  got  cold,  he  'd  scratch  your  face  till  you  let  him 
under  the  covers,  an'  then  when  he  got  too  hot,  he  'd  pull 
the  covers  off  an'  roll  'em  into  a  nice  soft  heap,  with  himself 
on  top.  He  never  overlooked  himself  much,  the  pup  did  n't. 
First  I  knew,  I  got  to  missin'  a  right  smart  o'  sleep  that 


CUPID  231 

really  belonged  to  me ;  'cause,  while  I  'm  opposed  to  speakin' 
ill  o'  the  absent,  I  'd  just  about  as  soon  try  to  sleep  with  a 
colicky  hoss  as  with  Bill  an'  the  pup.  When  the  pup  was  n't 
chasm'  imaginary  jack-rabbits  or  live  fleas,  Bill  was  jumpin' 
up  an'  down  to  write  somethin'  new  into  his  book;  until 
Kid  Porter  swore  that  if  any  more  came,  he  was  goin'  to 
leave. 

I  like  a  dog  the  full  limit,  but  I  never  hankered  to  sleep 
with  'em,  not  when  they  have  fleas ;  an'  when  they  don't, 
they  allus  put  me  in  mind  of  a  man  'at  uses  perfumery.  I 
tried  to  devise  a  plan  for  sleepin'  on  the  floor,  but  I  could  n't 
engineer  it  through. 

"  No,"  sez  Bill,  in  a  hurt  kind  of  a  tone,  "  I  would  n't 
inconvenience  you  for  the  world.  Me  an'  Cupid  will  sleep 
on  the  floor."  Well,  there  I  was.  I  'm  as  tender-hearted  as 
a  baby  antelope,  so  I  just  turned  it  off  as  a  joke,  an'  got 
to  sleepin'  in  the  saddle  on  the  return  trip. 

Nothin'  on  earth  made  Bill  so  mad  as  to  call  the  pup  a 
bulldog,  though  if  he  was  n't  one,  he  sure  looked  the  part. 
I  knowed  it  would  n't  do  to  take  too  many  chances,  so  me 
an'  the  Kid  used  to  post  the  boys,  an'  when  one  of  'em  would 
drop  in  an'  say  as  natural  as  though  he  was  chattin'  about 
the  weather :  "  That 's  a  mighty  fine  London,  brindle,  bull- 
terrier  you-uns  have  got,"  Bill's  face  would  light  up  as  if 
he  was  the  mother  of  it,  an'  he  would  turn  in  an'  preach  us 
a  sermon  on  dogs.  That  was  why  you  liked  Bill:  he  was 
just  the  same  all  the  way  through  an'  if  he  was  friendly 
when  it  paid,  you  was  certain  sure  he  'd  be  just  as  friendly 
when  it  cost. 

Colonel  Scott's  niece  came  out  to  visit  him  some  time  in 
May,  an'  we  heard  of  her  long  before  we  saw  her.  'Bout 
every  one  we  met  had  somethin'  to  tell  about  what  a  really, 


232  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

truly  heart-buster  she  was.  She  learned  to  ride,  an*  one 
afternoon  she  an'  the  Colonel  struck  our  outfit  just  in  front 
of  a  howlin'  storm. 

The'  was  n't  no  show  to  get  back  to  headquarters  that 
night,  so  we  smoothed  out  the  wide  bunk  for  the  lady,  an' 
us  men  planned  to  flop  in  the  shed.  She  sure  had  dandy 
manners!  She  pitched  in  an'  helped  us  get  supper,  an'  we 
had  about  everything  to  eat  that  a  man  could  think  of  —  side 
meat  an'  boiled  beans  an'  ham  an'  corn-bread  an'  baked  beans 
an'  flapjacks  an'  fried  potatoes  an'  bean  soup,  an'  coffee  so 
stout  that  you  couldn't  see  the  bottom  in  a  teaspoonful  of 
it.  We  just  turned  ourselves  loose  an'  gave  her  a  banquet. 

As  soon  as  the  dishes  was  off  our  hands,  we  started  in  to 
be  jovial.  Me  an'  the  Kid  was  n't  just  altogether  at  home, 
but  Bill  was  right  in  his  element.  He  played,  an'  him  an' 
her  sang,  an'  they  talked,  an'  it  was  the  most  festive  function 
I  ever  see;  until  the  pup  came  in  an'  jumped  up  on  the  wide 
bunk  where  she  was  settin'.  "  Oh,  take  that  horrid  bull 
dog  away !  "  she  squealed. 

I  dreaded  the  result ;  but  I  sez  to  myself,  "  Now  surely 
that  doggone  ijit  won't  throw  a  call-down  into  the  lady," 
but  he  did.  "  Miss  Johnston,"  sez  he,  "  that  ain't  no  bulldog. 
That's  a  high-bred  London  bull-terrier.  How  would  you 
like  to  be  called  a  Chinaman  ?  Come  here,  Cupid." 

It  was  like  throwin'  a  bucket  o'  water  on  a  bed  o'  coals. 
Bill  was  like  an  oyster  from  that  on,  an'  the  girl  looked  as 
if  she  'd  been  slapped.  I  was  mad  all  the  way  through. 
It 's  all  right  for  a  man  to  be  crazy,  if  he  '11  only  keep  it 
private,  but  the'  ain't  no  sense  in  tryin'  to  get  the  whole 
balance  o'  creation  over  to  his  side. 

The  Colonel  thought  it  a  mighty  prime  joke  to  have  his 
niece  called  down  over  a  bull  pup,  an'  he  chuckled  about  it 


" «  Oh,  take  that  horrid  bulldog  away ! '  she  squealed  " 


CUPID  233 

consid'able.  Next  mornin'  he  made  Bill  promise  to  come 
over  an'  visit  him ;  but  the  girl  said  her  good-byes  to  me  an' 
the  Kid.  From  that  on,  Bill  was  over  to  headquarters  half 
his  time,  but  it  did  n't  do  him  much  good.  The  girl  would  n't 
stand  for  the  pup,  an'  Bill  would  n't  go  back  on  him ;  so  it 
looked  purty  much  like  a  deadlock. 

One  Sunday  about  the  first  of  August,  we  was  all  sittin* 
in  the  shade  of  the  shack,  lookin'  down  into  the  valley. 
The  shack  backed  up  against  a  massive  crag  on  the  edge  of 
a  high  plateau.  The  road  from  headquarters  came  in  from 
the  North,  wound  around  a  steep  butte,  then  along  the  top 
o'  the  cliff  to  where  it  slid  down  into  the  valley  to  Danders. 

We  heard  the  thud  o'  hoofs  an'  turnin'  around,  we  saw 
the  Colonel's  niece  tearin'  down  the  road  on  a  big  hoss.  It 
was  a  plain  case  of  runaway,  an'  I  felt  something  break 
inside  my  chest.  They  were  headin'  straight  for  the  top 
o'  the  cliff,  the  hoss  was  goin'  too  fast  to  make  the  turn,  an' 
we  was  too  far  off  to  beat  him  to  it. 

We  simply  stood  there  like  a  flock  o'  sheep,  without  a 
single  thought  among  us.  The'  did  n't  seem  to  be  a  thing 
to  do,  but  just  watch  'em  plunge  two  hundred  feet  into  the 
ravine.  I  glanced  at  Bill,  but  I  hardly  knew  him.  His 
brows  was  drawn  down  like  a  wildcat's,  his  jaws  was 
clamped  so  tight  you  could  hear  'em  grit,  an'  his  eyes  seemed 
to  smoke. 

I  looked  back  to  the  road  again,  an'  there  was  the  pup, 
standin'  down  by  the  road  watchin'  the  hoss  runnin'  toward 
him.  I  touched  Bill  on  the  shoulder,  an  sez,  "  Can  the  pup 
do  anything,  Bill?  "  Bill  gave  a  sigh  as  though  he  had  just 
come  back  from  the  dead,  an'  in  a  voice  that  wavered  an* 
trembled,  but  still  rang  out  like  a  trumpet,  he  yelled :  "  Throw 
him,  Cupid,  throw  him !  " 


234  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Lord,  man!  I  wish  you  could  have  seen  it.  The  mane 
bristled  up  on  that  dog's  back  an'  his  muscles  bulged  out  till 
he  looked  like  a  stone  image.  We  heard  him  give  a  low 
whine,  like  as  if  he  knowed  it  was  too  big  a  job  for  a  little 
feller  like  him.  But  did  he  try  to  flunk  it  ?  Not  him.  Then 
I  knew  'at  he  was  n't  neither  a  bulldog  nor  a  bull-terrier, 
but  a  little  sixty-pound  hero,  willin'  to  pass  out  his  life 
any  time  'at  Bill  would  draw  a  check  for  it. 

We  fair  helt  our  breath  as  he  backed  away  from  the  road 
an'  took  a  little  easy  gallop  until  the  hoss  was  near  even  with 
him.  Another  dog  would  have  blown  his  lungs  loose,  tellin' 
what  he  was  a-goin'  to  do;  but  Cupid  never  said  a  word. 
His  lip  curled  up  till  you  could  catch  the  glisten  of  those 
wicked  white  teeth  of  his,  an'  then  when  the  hoss  was  right 
alongside  an'  it  looked  as  if  he  had  lost  his  chance,  he  gave 
a  couple  of  short  jumps  an'  threw  himself  for  the  critter's 
nose. 

Well,  I  can't  rightly  tell  you  just  what  did  happen  then. 
I  saw  him  make  his  spring  an'  swing  around  full  sweep, 
hangin'  on  to  the  hoss's  nose;  but  from  that  on  the  whole 
earth  seemed  to  be  shook  loose.  The  hoss  keeled  over  like 
he  was  shot,  the  girl  seemed  to  turn  a  somerset  in  the  air,  an* 
light  all  in  a  heap,  with  one  arm  hangin'  over  the  edge  of  the 
cliff.  We  heard  a  shriek,  a  little  smothered  yelp,  an'  then 
we  ran  down  to  them. 

Bill  looked  first  toward  the  girl  an'  then  toward  the  pup, 
an'  it  was  tearin'  his  heart  apart  to  tell  which  one  he  would 
go  to  first.  Finally  he  ran  to  the  girl  an'  carried  her  back 
from  the  cliff.  He  knelt  an'  put  his  ear  to  her  heart,  then 
he  took  her  wrist  an'  after  what  seemed  a  mighty  long  time, 
he  gave  a  little  sigh,  an'  sez,  "  Kid,  run  for  some  water. 
Run!  What  do  you  stand  lookin'  at  me  for?  " 


CUPID  235 

The  Kid,  he  certainly  did  run,  while  Bill  stepped  over 
to  where  Cupid  was  layin',  still  an'  quiet,  but  with  a  piece 
o'  the  hoss's  nose  still  in  his  grip.  The  hoss's  right 
shoulder  was  broke  an'  he  could  n't  get  up,  but  was 
thrashin'  an'  strugglin'  around.  "  Get  your  gun  an'  put 
that  hoss  out  of  his  misery,  Happy,"  sez  Bill,  an'  the'  was 
somethin'  in  his  tone  that  filled  me  plumb  full  o'  the  spirit 
of  action. 

When  I  came  back,  the  Kid  was  pourin'  a  bucket  o'  water 
over  the  girl,  an'  Bill,  with  the  tears  rollin'  down  his  cheeks, 
was  feelin'  over  the  body  of  the  little  bull-pup.  I  put  the 
muzzle  to  within  an  inch  o'  the  soft  spot  in  the  hoss's  fore 
head,  an'  fired.  The  hoss's  head  sank,  an'  then  I  gulped  a 
couple  o'  times  like  a  flabby  galoot,  an'  sez,  "  Bill,  do  you 
reckon  the  brindle  bull-terrier  '11  pull  through  ?  " 

"Get  me  some  o'  that  water,"  sez  Bill.  When  I  got 
it,  he  showed  me  a  place  where  the  whole  o'  the  pup's  scalp 
had  been  kicked  loose.  I  could  n't  see  what  good  water  was 
goin'  to  do,  but  Bill  would  n't  give  up.  "  I  can't  find  where 
the  skull  is  broke/'  he  sez,  "  an'  maybe  the  water'  11  fetch 
him  around." 

He  poured  some  water  over  the  little  feller's  face,  but 
it  did  n't  seem  to  be  no  use.  He  just  lay  still  with  his  head 
on  Bill's  knee,  an*  I  knew  it  was  all  up  with  little  Cupid ;  but 
just  to  please  Bill,  I  gave  him  a  flask,  I  happened  to  have, 
an'  sez,  "  Give  the  little  feller  a  drink,  Bill.  He  never  was 
used  to  hittin'  it  none,  an'  it  '11  have  a  powerful  effect  on 
him."  Bill  opened  the  pup's  mouth  an'  poured  in  a  tol'able 
stiff  swig,  an'  by  cracky,  the  pup  opened  his  eyes,  an'  when 
he  saw  Bill  bendin'  down  over  him,  he  tried  to  wag  his 
little  tail. 

Well,  Bill  took  that  pup  up  in  his  arms  an'  hugged  him  — 


236  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

an'  if  the'  's  any  one  in  this  crowd  that  feels  like  laughin', 
it  '11  be  healthier  for  'im  to  step  outside. 

Then  Bill  picked  up  the  pup,  an'  motioned  for  me  an' 
the  Kid  to  tote  the  lady  up  to  the  shack,  an'  we  did  it,  though 
it  was  n't  fittin'  work  for  a  couple  o'  ridin  men.  She  had 
fully  come  to  when  we  reached  the  shack,  an'  we  laid  her  on 
the  wide  bunk.  Bill  put  the  pup  on  the  narrow  bunk,  washed 
out  the  hole  in  his  head,  an'  tied  it  up  with  a  clean  hand 
kerchief.  Then  he  crossed  over  an'  spoke  to  the  girl.  I 
could  easy  tell  by  his  voice  that  the  last  time  they  had 
parted  it  had  been  a  little  stormy. 

"  Miss  Johnston,"  he  sez  in  a  low  tone,  "  are  you  sufferin' 
much?" 

She  owned  up  to  a  perfectly  rippin'  headache,  an'  said 
she  was  sore  all  over;  but  it  was  her  ankle  'at  pained  her 
most.  Bill  started  to  look  at  it ;  but  she  reddened  up  an' 
tried  to  draw  it  under  her.  Bill  never  paid  any  attention 
to  her,  but  sez  calmly,  "  I  've  had  consid'able  experience, 
Miss  Johnston.  A  great  deal  depends  on  promptness.  Now 
just  let  the  limb  lay  natural  till  I  remove  the  shoe." 

Me  an'  the  Kid  started  to  break  for  the  foothills,  but  he 
set  me  to  makin'  bandages,  an'  sent  the  Kid  after  some  more 
water.  We  was  losin'  our  age  fast,  an'  Bill's  voice  sounded 
like  grandpa's.  He  said  it  was  a  corkin'  bad  sprain,  but 
he  tied  it  up  an'  wet  down  the  bandages ;  an'  then  he  sent  me 
to  headquarters  after  the  spring- wagon,  an'  the  Kid  to 
Danders  for  the  doctor. 

We  both  got  back  before  daylight,  an'  by  that  time  Bill 
an'  the  girl  had  come  to  a  purty  harmonious  agreement 
concernin'  the  proper  standin'  of  a  brindle  bull-terrier. 
When  I  came  in  he  was  holdin'  the  lady's  hand  —  an'  I  was 
the  only  one  what  reddened  up. 


41  Bill  and  the  girl  had  come  to  a  pretty  harmonious 
agreement " 


CHAPTER   NINETEEN 

BARBIE    MAKES  A  DISCOVERY 

JESSAMIE,  that  was  Miss  Johnston's  real  name,  had  been 
ridin'  one  o'  the  Colonel's  high-breds,  an'  again  orders  at 
that;  but  the  Colonel  was  purty  comfortable  like  at  the 
upshot.  Bill  was  fitted  out  with  a  pedigree  an  'a  bank 
account  what  made  him  a  parlor  guest  purty  much  every 
where  he  went,  an'  on  top  o'  that  it  tickled  the  Colonel  a 
heap  to  have  things  ironed  out  by  the  bull  pup  himself. 

I  didn't  much  suppose  when  I  see  that  sorrowful  pup 
pikin'  back  the  track  that  he  was  doomed  to  achieve  promi 
nence  an'  fame,  but  Fate  had  him  entered  on  her  book 
all  right,  an'  he  made  so  everlastin'  good  that  it  would  n't 
have  surprised  me  a  mite  if  they  'd  have  run  him  for 
Governor. 

You  just  bet  your  life  the  other  feller  never  got  him  again ! 
Why  they  'd  'a'  had  to  bring  the  whole  standin'  army  to 
filch  that  dog  away  from  Bill  after  the  big  doin's.  Out 
here  in  Wyoming  it 's  a  test  of  class  —  owners  of  one  of 
Cupid's  pups  are  first-class,  others  belong  to  the  herd. 

It  was  two  weeks  after  the  accident  that  us  four  — 
countin'  Kid  Porter  —  was  sittin'  in  exactly  the  same  place 
back  of  the  shack;  only  this  time  Bill  was  pullin'  the 
pup's  ears.  Bill  had  n't  spent  overly  much  time  with  us  the 
last  fortnight,  an'  we  were  talkin'  it  all  over,  when  hanged 
if  we  did  n't  hear  the  thud  of  hoofs  again,  an'  I  reckon  we 
all  turned  blue. 

Cupid  himself  appeared  a  shade  disgusted  at  the  prospect 


238  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

of  an  encore.  He  had  only  just  shed  his  bandages,  an'  the 
flap  on  his  lid  was  still  too  tender  to  scratch,  so  that  you 
can't  hardly  blame  him  for  takin'  the  narrow  view  of  it. 
We  jumped  around  the  corner  of  the  house,  but  the'  was 
two  riders  this  time,  an'  while  they  was  spinnin'  along  at 
a  purty  merry  clip,  they  had  control  of  the  hosses  all  right. 
Both  of  'em  was  girls,  an'  one  of  'em  was  Jessamie.  When 
I  see  who  the  other  was,  I  felt  as  though  I  was  standin'  on 
the  outer  edge  of  a  fleecy  cloud.  It  was  Barbie.  I  ducked 
back  around  the  corner  of  the  house. 

Bill,  he  ran  down  an'  helped  his  lady  to  alight,  while 
Barbie  flopped  herself  off  her  mount  an'  ran  up  to  Cupid. 
Oh,  they  know  a  heap,  dogs  do.  Cupid  took  just  one  look 
in  her  eyes,  an'  when  she  squatted  down  on  her  knees,  he 
tried  to  get  into  her  lap  an'  they  made  a  heap  o'  fuss  over 
each  other.  I  could  tell  by  her  eyes  that  Jessamie  felt  a 
shade  jealous,  'cause  Cupid  had  n't  quite  forgiven  her  for 
slightin'  him  at  the  first.  I  was  watchin'  'em  through  a 
chink  in  the  shack  and  I  was  feelin'  purty  glum  myself,  to 
think  that  Barbie  would  spend  all  that  time  on  a  dog  an' 
never  give  one  little  inquiry  about  me. 

Well,  they  examined  the  spot  where  Cupid  had  made  his 
tackle,  an'  the  dent  in  the  earth  where  the  hoss  an'  Jessamie 
had  lit,  an'  then  they  meandered  up  to  the  house  to  see  just 
how  helpless  we  'd  been,  aside  from  Cupid. 

"  Well,  you  all  had  a  share  in  it ;  "  Barbie  was  sayin'  as 
they  neared  the  shack.  "  Cupid  did  the  actual  work,  you 
trained  him  for  it,  and  Higinson  had  the  kind  of  a  nerve 
that  don't  melt  under  fire." 

"  Sure  thing,"  sez  Bill,  "  I  own  up  that  I  was  plumb 
petrified,  an'  Cupid  was  n't  carin'  much  one  way  or  the  other ; 
but  Hank  Higinson  never  lost  his  self-possession  a  second," 


ADISCOVERY  239 

• — this  was  all  bosh,  'cause  I  was  purty  nigh  stampeded,  an' 
that 's  the  simple  truth. 

"  Where  is  he  ?  "  sez  Barbie.  "  I  want  to  see  him  an* 
then  I  can  tell  just  about  how  much  he  could  do  on  his  own 
hook." 

I  was  feelin'  a  sight  better.  I  saw  exactly  how  it  was. 
Bill  an'  all  the  rest  o'  the  fellers  had  done  exactly  what 
I  had  hinted  at  an'  had  n't  divulged  my  identity,  an' 
Barbie  hadn't  the  slightest  idea  that  I  was  in  the  state. 
Those  people  who  know  precisely  the  right  time  to  disobey 
orders,  are  a  big  help  to  humanity ;  but  they  're  mighty 
scarce. 

Bill,  he  opened  the  door  of  the  shack,  an'  sez,  "  Come  on 
out,  Hank,  a  lady  wants  to  be  introduced  to  you." 

I  stepped  to  the  door  feelin'  wonderful  bashful,  but  when 
Barbie  saw  me,  she  went  several  different  colors  an'  shouts : 
"  Happy,  Happy  Hawkins !  What  on  earth  do  you  mean 
by  bein'here?" 

Her  voice  was  trembly  an'  accusin'  an'  reproachful  an' 
glad  an'  a  lot  of  other  things ;  an'  I  found  it  mighty  hard  to 
come  back  with  a  joke,  quick  enough  to  suit  me.  I  felt 
sort  o'  flighty,  with  her  big  dark  eyes  lookin'  into  me,  an' 
while  I  was  stutterin'  she  opened  up  on  me  an'  give  me  a 
good  old-fashioned  scoldin'  —  an'  I  felt  dandy.  Bill,  he  was 
troubled  some  with  startin'  eyes.  Jessamie  was  breedy  all 
right,  but  compared  to  Barbie,  she  looked  like  a  six  o'  suit 
alongside  the  queen  o'  trumps. 

"  Why,"  sez  Barbie,  turnin'  to  Jessamie,  "  everything  al 
ways  goes  right  when  Happy 's  present.  I  might  have 
known  from  your  description  that  it  was  Happy  who  saw 
the  only  way  —  " 

"  Oh,  pshaw,  now,"  sez  I,  breakin'  in,  "  I  did  n't  do  a 


240  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

blasted  thing.  Cupid  here  was  the  master  workman  on  this 
job,  while  Bill  —  " 

"  That 's  all  true  enough,"  sez  Barbie,  "  you  have  the 
gift  of  hidin'  yourself  in  your  work;  but  I  can  see  you  just 
the  same." 

It  was  certainly  comfortin'  to  hear  the  way  she  went  on 
about  it ;  but  it  was  a  little  too  cold-blooded  for  my  nerves, 
'cause  I  had  n't  done  a  thing  this  time  but  make  one  small 
suggestion ;  so  we  finally  compromised  by  admittin'  that  now 
an'  again,  I  was  picked  out  to  be  the  nail  on  the  finger  of 
Fate.  Sometimes  I  rather  think  that  comes  purty  close  to 
hittin'  me. 

Jessamie  had  graduated  from  the  university  where  Barbie 
was  goin',  at  the  close  of  Barbie's  first  year.  They  had 
met,  an'  remembered  each  other ;  an'  as  soon  as  the  news  of 
the  doin's  had  reached  the  Diamond  Dot,  of  course  Barbie 
piked  over  to  make  a  call.  The  outcome  was  that  when  the 
Colonel  sent  out  a  man  to  take  my  place,  I  rode  back  to  the 
Diamond  Dot  with  Barbie,  an'  it  was  mighty  good  to  be 
there  again. 

Jabez  give  me  a  good  firm  hand-shake,  an'  I  did  n't  rub 
it  in  about  the  silkworms ;  so  that  everything  just  slid  along 
as  smooth  as  joint-oil,  an'  I  had  a  good  opportunity  to 
estimate  the  benefit  of  Barbie's  schoolin'.  She  was  a  heap 
more  changed  than  I  had  supposed  at  first;  the'  was  a  way 
she  had  of  holdin'  her  head  an'  walkin'  an'  talkin',  that 
showed  me  quick  enough  that  money  spent  on  her  edication 
was  n't  nowise  wasted. 

But  she  went  back  to  her  last  year  soon  after  this,  intendin' 
to  be  the  best  maid  at  Jessamie's  weddin'.  This  weddin* 
was  a  curious  thing  an'  opened  my  eyes  purty  wide  to  the 
ways  of  women.  I  'd  'a'  been  willin'  to  bet  my  saddle  that 


ADISCOVERY  241 

the  one  man  she  never  would  marry,  was  Bill ;  but  she  owned 
up  herself  that  she  had  made  up  her  mind  to  marry  him  the 
first  night  they  met.  She  was  n't  quite  sure  of  it  until  him 
an'  her  had  the  fall-out  over  Cupid,  and  that  settled  it.  She 
said  a  man  who  had  the  spunk  to  stick  up  for  his  dog  the 
way  Bill  did  would  be  a  purty  handy  kind  to  have  around 
the  house,  an'  she  was  just  try  in'  him  out  to  see  how  far 
he  'd  go.  She  was  actually  fond  of  dogs  all  the  time, 
especially  bulldogs.  A  girl-baby  three  years  old  could 
have  fooled  Methusaleh  in  his  prime,  an'  that  means  after 
he  'd  had  about  six  hundred  years  of  experience.  She 's 
a  wonderful  invention,  woman. 

All  the  while  before  Barbie  left,  she  was  try  in'  to  plan  out 
what  use  she  was  goin'  to  put  her  edication  to.  Sometimes 
she  was  minded  to  go  on  the  stage,  at  others  lawyerin' 
looked  good  to  her,  but  most  of  the  time  she  seemed  to  think 
that  a  female  doctor  would  come  nearer  fittin'  her  than  any 
thing  else. 

Me  an'  Jabez  worried  about  it  a  heap;  but  we  was  wise 
enough  to  hide  it.  We  knew  that  Barbie  carted  around  at 
all  times  what  they  call  a  spirit  of  combativity,  which  fat 
tened  on  opposition,  an'  we  preferred  to  let  her  scrap  it 
out  with  herself,  hopin'  that  what  she  finally  decided  on 
would  be  all  for  the  best. 

Jabez  said  good-bye  at  the  edge  of  the  ranch,  while  I  drove 
her  over  to  Webb  Station.  I  kind  o'  fought  shy  of  Danders 
'cause  it  seemed  to  me  that  the'  was  always  some  kind  of  a 
job  waitin'  for  me  there,  an'  Barbie  had  left  me  a  heap  of 
work  for  that  winter. 

"  Have  you  learned  anything  yet  ?  "  she  asked  me,  after 
the  train  had  pulled  into  sight  an'  we  was  shakin'  hands. 

"  Not  a  thing  for  certain,"  sez  I.  "  I  've  stumbled  onto 

16 


242  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

several  rumors,  but  they  always  went  out.  Do  you  still 
study  over  it  much,  Barbie  ?  " 

"  Never  a  day  goes  by  but  what  I  study  over  it,"  sez  she. 
"  There  is  n't  anything  I  would  n't  give  to  know  about  my 
mother  —  all  about  her." 

"  Are  you  sure,  Barbie  ?  "  said  I. 

She  thought  hard  a  minute,  an'  then  she  threw  back  her 
head  an'  looked  into  my  eyes.  "  Yes,"  she  said,  in  a  low 
tone,  "  I  'd  give  everything  —  even  the  love  and  respect  I 
feel  for  my  father." 

I  gave  a  little  shiver.  "  Barbie,"  I  sez,  "  I  don't  think 
you  '11  ever  have  to  pay  that  high  a  price.  I  never  saw  your 
Dad  cruel  in  cold  blood,  an'  he  's  purty  just." 

"  Oh,  I  would  rather  die  than  find  out  that  he  'd  ever 
been  cruel  to  my  mother ;  but  I  do  want  to  know  about  her ; 
and  some  day  I  will."  She  squeezed  my  hand  hard  and  her 
eyes  were  wet  with  tears  when  she  stepped  on  the  train ;  but 
she  tried  to  smile,  she  sure  did. 


CHAPTER  TWENTY 

RICHARD  WHITTINGTON   ARRIVES 

WELL,  that  winter  rolled  by  without  a  break.  Me  an'  Jabez 
had  just  about  learned  how  to  take  each  other,  an'  we  did  n't 
stretch  our  harness  to  the  snappin'  point.  Bill  Andrews 
had  finally  got  tol'able  well  acquainted  with  me  also,  an' 
was  able  to  savvy  that  while  peace  was  my  one  great  desire, 
the'  was  some  prices  that  I  would  n't  pay  for  it. 

We  was  all  het  up  when  the  graduation  day  finally  came, 
an'  we  did  n't  do  a  lick  of  work  on  the  ranch ;  just  gathered 
around  the  ranch  buildin's,  polishin'  up  her  harness  an* 
hosses,  an'  talkin'  about  her  in  hushed  voices.  She  had  won 
honors  an'  medals  an'  one  thing  or  another  until  I  reckon  we 
felt  purty  much  as  Mrs.  Washington  did  when  she  was 
cleanin'  house  to  welcome  the  father  of  his  country  after  he 
had  showed  England  where  to  reset  the  boundery  stakes. 

Barbie  had  wrote  us  that  she  was  goin'  to  cut  out  a  string 
of  invitations  as  long  as  your  arm  and  pike  right  out  for 
home  as  soon  as  she  had  finished  her  part  of  the  program, 
an'  we  were  n't  able  to  do  a  tap  until  she  arrived.  At  first 
I  was  minded  to  drive  down  after  her,  an'  then  I  decided 
that  it  would  be  better  for  me  to  stay  at  home  an'  line  up 
the  boys  in  some  sort  of  style  to  receive  her.  Spider  Kelley 
went  after  her  and  as  soon  as  they  hove  in  sight  I  had  all 
the  punchers  charge  down  an'  shoot  their  guns  off  in  the  air. 
They  was  wearin'  their  gaudiest  raiment  an'  shoutin'  their 
heads  off,  an'  she  owned  up  herself  that  it  topped  anything 
she  ever  saw  in  the  East. 


244  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

She  stood  up  in  the  buckboard  an'  took  off  her  hat  an* 
swung  it  about  her  head  and  shouted,  "  Boys,  you  're  just 
bully  —  every  one  of  you !  "  an'  say,  the'  was  n't  a  puncher 
on  the  Diamond  Dot  that  would  n't  have  given  up  his  hide 
to  make  her  a  pair  o'  ridin'  gloves.  Jabez  had  waited  back 
at  the  ranch  house  an'  he  was  tremblin'  when  we  left  him  to 
ride  down  an'  meet  her. 

Here  she  was,  comin'  back  for  the  last  time  with  all  the 
learnin'  of  the  earth  packed  away  in  her  head,  an'  niched  up 
with  more  degrees  than  a  thermometer ;  but  it  had  n't  changed 
her  heart,  not  one  grain ;  an'  when  she  saw  the  home  build- 
in's  with  ol'  Mount  Savage  sittin'  up  on  his  throne  an'  all 
the  little  peaks  bowin'  before  him,  like  pages  to  a  king,  she 
jes'  threw  out  her  arms  as  though  she  would  take  in  the 
whole  outfit  in  one  big  hug,  an'  her  eyes  filled  up  with  tears  as 
she  sez,  "  Oh,  Dad,  I  love  it !  I  love  every  inch  of  it,  every 
line  of  it,  every  shade  of  it ;  an'  I  've  hungered  an'  thirsted 
for  it  all  these  years  —  an'  for  you,  Dad,  for  you  most  of 
all." 

Well,  you  should  have  seen  Jabez.  Beam  ?  Why,  I  reckon 
you  could  have  lit  a  cigar  on  his  face,  an'  he  fluttered  around 
like  a  hen  with  one  chicken  an'  that  one  a  duck.  He  could  n't 
quite  believe  that  it  was  all  true  and  that  he  was  actually 
awake.  He  had  worried  so  long  about  her  cuttin'  into  some 
new  game  as  soon  as  her  schoolin'  was  done  that  he  hardly 
dared  rejoice  for  fear  it  would  wake  him  up ;  but  it  did  n't 
take  her  long  to  begin  enjoyin'  her  old  freedom  again.  It 
took  us  some  longer  to  adjust  ourselves  to  her,  however. 

Now  she  had  n't  changed  such  an  awful  sight,  an'  yet  the* 
was  somethin'  about  her  'at  made  you  feel  like  touchin'  your 
hat  when  she  issued  an  order.  Not  that  she  was  uppity  nor 
nothin':  she  rambled  around  playin'  with  the  colts  an'  the 


WHITTINGTON    ARRIVES      245 

calves,  an'  rompin'  with  the  dogs,  an'  fairly  stackin'  up  the 
whole  place  in  little  heaps.  An'  she  rustled  up  her  old  som 
brero  an'  leggin's  just  as  though  she  had  never  set  a  hoof  off 
the  range.  Still,  the'  was  somethin'  about  her  you  could  n't 
quite  put  your  finger  on ;  but  which  you  knew  in  your  heart 
was  there  all  the  time,  awaitin'  till  she  made  up  her  mind  to 
call  it  out;  like  a  handful  o'  regulars  givin'  dignity  to  a 
scrawny  two  by  twice  fort  in  the  Injun  country. 

We  took  up  our  ridin'  again,  an'  just  as  I  was  gettin'  used 
to  it,  along  comes  a  feller  lookin'  about  two  thirds  starved. 
His  clothes  was  ragged  an'  soiled,  he  had  forgot  his  bag 
gage,  he  was  on  foot  (an'  when  I  say  on  foot,  I  don't  only 
mean  that  he  was  dispensin'  with  the  luxury  of  a  pony ;  he 
was  also  unencumbered  with  soles  to  his  boots),  but  he  had 
indoor  hands,  a  back  as  straight  as  an  Injun's,  an'  a  way 
of  flingin'  up  his  head  an'  drawin'  down  his  brows  when  you 
spoke  to  him  sudden,  which  proved  'at  trampin'  was  only 
a  sideline  with  him.  He  put  in  an  application  as  cook  for 
the  home  gang. 

OF  Cast  Steel  looked  into  him:  examined  his  eyes,  his 
hands,  an'  the  way  he  carried  his  head.  Then  he  spoke  kind 
o'  slow  an'  drawly.  "  Cook  ?  "  sez  he.  "  Well,  I  'd  be  willin' 
to  bet  'at  you  've  stayed  up  till  three  o'clock  a  heap  more 
times  'n  you  have  ever  arose  at  this  wholesome  hour.  What 
can  you  cook  ?  " 

Well,  the  feller  he  laughed,  an'  sez,  "  You  win.  I  own 
up  'at  I  ain't  no  cook,  nor  I  ain't  no  cow  puncher ;  but  my 
pension  has  stopped  an'  my  appetite  is  still  runnin'.  I  never 
yet  recall  readin'  no  notice  of  any  cook  what  died  of 
starvation." 

Jabez  grinned.  "  I  don't  ask  no  man  about  his  past,"  sez 
he.  "  No  man  knows  nothin'  about  his  future.  As  for  the 


246  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

present,  you  can  help  with  the  cookin'.  Flap  Jack  is  due  for 
his  bender,  week  after  next,  an'  if  you  can  learn  the  trade 
by  that  time  you  '11  come  in  handy." 

T  was  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  ol'  Cast  Steel  vary  his 
hirin'  speech ;  so  I  knew  'at  he  too  had  the  feller  spotted  for 
a  stray ;  but  he  rolled  up  his  sleeves  an'  started  to  peel  spuds 
for  the  evenin'  slum.  He  said  that  his  name  was  Richard 
Whittington,  an'  while  he  did  n't  talk  overly  extensive  about 
himself,  he  was  n't  nowise  offish  nor  snarly.  He  did  his 
work  up  to  the  limit  too,  an'  even  ol'  Flap  Jack  did  n't  com 
plain  as  much  as  he  generally  did  whenever  he  was  furnished 
with  a  little  extra  help. 

The  peculiar  thing  was  the  way  'at  Barbie  treated  him. 
She  came  down  to  the  cook  shack  soon  after  he  landed,  with 
a  lot  of  Jabez'  old  clothes  an'  a  pair  of  boots,  'cause  anything 
in  distress  got  to  her  heart  by  the  shortest  cut.  She  came 
lopin'  along  with  about  fifteen  dogs,  whistlin'  an'  hummin' 
an'  sort  o'  dancin'  up  in  the  air  like  a  young  angel ;  but  the 
minute  she  saw  him  she  sobered  up,  an'  after  he  had  thanked 
her,  which  he  did  in  book  langwidge,  she  simply  pulled  down 
the  blinds  an'  locked  the  door.  It  was  mighty  curious  an* 
set  us  all  to  talkin',  'cause  she  treated  us  fellers  just  as 
friendly  as  the  rest  of  the  stock ;  but  Dick  made  a  bad  im 
pression  right  at  the  start,  an'  we  kept  our  eyes  on  him  for 
the  first  crooked  move. 

He  was  a  restless  feller,  was  Dick,  allus  askin'  questions 
about  breeds  an'  fencin'  an'  winter  feeds  an'  marketin'.  Said 
he  liked  to  have  somethin"  to  study  about  when  his  hands  was 
workin'.  Barbie  left  one  of  her  books  out  in  the  wagon-shed 
one  day  an'  Dick  found  it.  He  curled  right  up  on  a  cushion 
an'  begun  to  read.  That  was  the  very  day  'at  Flappy  was  to 
start  off  on  his  periodical,  an'  he  had  made  all  his  prepara- 


WHITTINGTON    ARRIVES       247 

tions  so  that  everything  would  be  in  apple-pie  order.  When 
dinner  went  by  an'  no  deputy  showed  up  he  ground  out 
several  canticles  of  profanity ;  but  when  supper  time  hove  in 
sight  and  nairy  a  report  from  the  substitute  hash-herder,  he 
fairly  stood  on  tiptoe  an'  screamed  his  woes  into  what  they 
call  the  wel-kin ;  an'  you  can  bet  that  Flappy  made  her  welk 
all  right. 

He  had  been  training  for  this  jag  for  full  three  months,  an' 
the  thirst  he  had  built  up  was  somethin'  for  the  whole  ranch 
to  be  proud  of;  an'  all  the  boys  was  full  of  sympathy  an' 
interest,  an'  wanted  him  to  have  every  show  in  the  world. 
They  wanted  his  mind  to  be  utterly  free  from  care,  so  that 
he  could  give  his  full  attention  to  tackin'  up  a  Diamond  Dot 
record  that  would  arouse  the  envy  of  the  entire  West,  an' 
Flappy  was  in  fine  shape  to  do  it. 

We  all  started  out  to  find  Dick,  whether  he  was  still  hidin' 
around  the  ranch  or  had  started  to  hike ;  but  it  was  Barbie 
herself  who  found  him.  She  came  racin'  along  with  a  herd 
of  dogs,  friskin'  an'  rompin'  the  same  as  they  was ;  but  when 
she  came  onto  Dick  readin'  her  book  she  simmered  down 
immejet.  When  he  looked  up  an'  saw  her  he  seemed  like  a 
feller  wakin'  up  out  of  a  dream.  It  did  n't  break  on  him  all 
at  once;  but  when  it  did,  he  looked  as  guilty  as  a  sheep- 
herder.  He  stood  up  an'  bowed  an'  helt  out  the  book  an' 
stammered,  an'  all  in  all,  it  was  painful  to  watch  'em.  None 
of  us  was  able  to  figger  out  why  they  acted  this  way  ever 
time  they  happened  to  meet ;  but  they  did. 

Well,  after  he  'd  apologized  a  couple  o'  chapters  she  told 
him  'at  she  was  nearly  through  with  the  book,  an'  if  he  'd 
come  up  to  the  house  after  supper  she  'd  be  glad  to  let  him 
take  it.  After  supper  up  he  went  to  the  house  an'  sent  ol* 
Mellisse  in  for  it.  When  he  got  it  he  went  back  to  the  cook- 


248  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

shack  an'  stayed  up  all  night  readin'  it.  One  of  the  boys 
what  got  in  about  two  o'clock  said  'at  he  was  just  about  half 
through  with  it  the  second  time  when  he  came  along.  Books 
is  the  same  as  opium  to  some  folks.  After  that  Barbie  used 
to  send  him  down  books  purty  often,  an'  he  used  to  get  a 
world  of  comfort  out  of  'em. 

One  afternoon  when  Dick  was  cookin'  up  a  stew  Jabez 
came  out  an'  sat  on  a  cracker-box  talkin'  to  him.  He  allus 
seemed  to  have  a  likin'  for  Dick,  an'  used  to  chat  with  him 
right  consid'able.  This  afternoon  he  got  to  spreadin'  himself 
about  how  much  money  the  place  handled  every  year  an'  how 
much  the'  was  invested  in  it,  an'  what  a  great  thing  the  cattle 
industry  was  to  the  entire  country.  Jabez  had  his  vanities 
all  right,  an'  he  used  to  parade  'em  occasional  an'  got  a  heap 
o'  comfort  out  of  'em.  Dick  went  along  seasonin'  an'  addin' 
an'  stirrin'  an'  not  seemin'  to  pay  a  mite  of  attention,  until 
finally  Jabez  got  tired  of  appreciatin'  himself,  an'  sez,  "  Well, 
what  do  you  think  of  this  little  plant  anyway  ?  " 

"  Do  you  like  the  scenery  around  here,  or  do  you  have  to 
live  here  on  account  of  your  health  ?  "  sez  Dick,  sort  of  un 
concerned  like. 

Jabez  looked  at  him  about  a  minute  to  kind  of  get  the  drift 
of  his  remark,  an'  then  he  sez,  "  What  do  you  mean  by  that  ?  " 

"  Why,"  sez  Dick,  "  you  ain't  makin'  two  percent  profit,  an* 
I  was  just  wonderin'  what  you  stayed  here  for  —  if  it  was  n't 
for  somethin'  else  beside  the  filthy  looger." 

Jabez,  he  jumps  to  his  feet  an'  goes  all  through  it  again, 
tellin'  all  he  has  took  in  an'  all  he  has  paid  out ;  while  Dick 
kept  attendin'  to  his  pots  an'  pans  the  same  as  if  he  was  stone 
deaf.  Jabez  rattled  on  an'  ended  up  with :  "  An'  this  here 
ranch  has  the  best  water  an'  the  best  range  an'  the  best  shelter 
of  any  ranch  in  the  state.  What  do  you  think  of  that?  " 


WHITTINGTON    ARRIVES      249 

"  Why,  I  think  it  all  the  more  reason  why  it  should  pay 
a  business  profit,"  drawls  Dick.  "  Only  last  week  I  heard 
you  complainin'  somethin'  fierce  because  you  had  to  put  up 
for  a  new  freight- wagon.  The  great  trouble  with  you  is  that 
you  don't  have  no  system.  You  need  a  manager,  a  man  who 
takes  an  interest  in  modern  progress,  a  man  who  sees  that 
the  rest  o'  the  men  pay  a  profit.  I  don't  mean  a  foreman, 
you  got  plenty  o'  them.  I  mean  a  business  man.  You  ain't 
no  business  man ;  you  don't  like  it." 

Well,  Jabez  was  stupefied.  He  'd  never  had  no  wage- 
earner  dump  advice  on  him  before,  an'  here  was  a  tramp, 
as  you  might  say,  who  started  in  by  telling  him  that  what  he 
really  needed  was  some  one  to  run  his  business  for  him.  He 
did  n't  fly  up  though.  He  just  rose  an'  give  Dick  a  searchin* 
look,  an'  then  he  meandered  up  to  the  house ;  an'  you  could 
tell  by  the  very  droop  of  his  shoulders  that  what  he  was  doin' 
was  thinkin'. 

The  upshot  of  it  was  that  when  Flappy  was  hauled  out  to 
the  ranch  the  next  week,  an'  as  soon  as  he  got  so  he  could 
tell  fire  from  water,  Dick  fitted  up  an  office  in  the  North 
wing;  an'  about  fifteen  minutes  afterward  we  all  felt  the 
difference.  From  that  on  everything  ran  like  a  round-up. 
Dick  did  n't  boss  none,  he  just  pointed  out  the  best  way,  an' 
we  did  it.  All  those  answers  we  had  told  him  about  calves 
an'  winter  hay  an'  such-like  had  simply  gone  in  one  ear  — 
an'  stuck  to  the  inside  of  his  mental  gearing.  He  discovered 
that  Jabez  had  been  stuck  for  further  orders  on  most  of  his 
supplies,  an'  had  allus  managed  to  win  the  bottom  price 
whenever  it  came  his  turn  to  make  a  sale. 

Well,  Dick  was  a  perpetual  surprise  party.  You  could  tell 
by  the  color  of  his  skin  that  he  was  an  indoor  man ;  but  he 
sat  a  hoss  like  a  cow  puncher,  an'  as  soon  as  he  got  things 


250  HAPPYHAWKINS 

runnin'  to  suit  him  on  our  place  he  got  to  makin'  side  trips 
to  the  other  ranches.  He  would  spend  two  hours  talkin' 
about  the  weather ;  but  at  the  end  o'  that  time,  he  knew  more 
about  a  man's  outfit  than  the  owner  himself.  Then  he 
ordered  out  a  lot  of  stock  papers,  an'  the  first  thing  we  knew, 
we  was  askin'  him  questions  about  things  'at  we  'd  allus  sup 
posed  we  savvied  from  tail  to  muzzle.  He  seemed  to  like 
me  more  'n  the  rest,  an'  chose  me  out  to  be  his  ridin'  pal  an' 
what  he  called  an  A.  D.  Kong,  which  was  simply  the  French 
for  messenger  boy;  but  Dick  never  unloaded  a  lot  of  talk 
about  himself.  You  would  n't  notice  it,  but  he  allus  man 
aged  to  have  the  other  feller  do  most  o'  the  talkin'. 

When  winter  came  he  took  a  trainload  o'  cattle  clear  to 
Chicago  an'  brought  back  twenty  bulls  —  dandies !  Big 
white- faced  fellers  with  pool-table  backs  an'  stocky  legs, 
an'  they  sure  made  the  other  stuff  look  like  the  champion 
scrubs  of  creation.  No  one  in  our  parts  had  ever  seen  such 
cattle,  an'  for  the  rest  of  the  winter  we  helt  a  fair  an'  booked 
enough  orders  for  calves  to  make  a  man  nervous.  Jabez 
had  gone  along,  an'  it  must  have  ganted  him  consid'able  to 
heave  out  the  wampum  for  that  bunch ;  but  you  should  have 
seen  him  swell  up  when  folks  got  to  talkin'  about  'em.  He 
was  game  though,  an'  gave  Dick  the  credit.  He  thought 
Dick  was  the  whole  manuver  by  this  time. 

Barbie  an'  Dick  had  got  over  givin'  antelope  starts  every 
time  they  met ;  but  they  was  n't  what  you  would  call  friendly 
by  a  long  ways.  Dick  had  worn  a  rough  lookin'  beard  when 
he  first  arrived ;  but  afterward  he  had  trimmed  it  to  a  point, 
an'  it  made  him  look  some  like  a  doctor.  His  ears  were  set 
tight  to  his  head,  an'  he  had  a  proud  nose;  but  it  was  his 
hands  an'  his  eyes  that  set  him  apart.  His  hands  were  fair 
size  but  white,  an'  they  stayed  white.  They  had  a  nervous 


WHITTINGTON    ARRIVES      251 

way  of  fussin'  around  with  things  whenever  he  got  to 
thinkin' ;  but  after  all,  the  thing  that  was  the  final  call  was  his 
eyes.  They  were  bright  an'  set  in  under  heavy  brows ;  but 
they  never  seemed  tryin'  to  bend  you,  like  some  eyes  do,  they 
just  seemed  so  completely  sure  of  what  they  saw,  an'  they 
seemed  to  have  seen  so  much  beforehand,  that  a  feller  was 
tempted  to  stick  to  the  truth  in  front  of  'em  —  even  when 
it  was  n't  altogether  convenient.  Dick  was  the  first  cold 
blooded  man  I  ever  liked,  an'  he  was  sure  cold-blooded  at 
this  period. 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-ONE 

HAPPY    MAKES   A   DISCOVERY 

Now  dogs  an'  Barbie  was  allus  exceedin'  intimate.  Dogs 
just  doted  on  her,  an  she  recipercated  full  measure;  but  she 
had  one  dog  what  was  only  a  dog  by  what  they  call  an  act 
of  courtesy.  It  must  'a'  weighed  fully  two  pounds,  an'  had 
bushy  hair  at  that.  It  had  a  bark  to  it  like  one  o'  these  intel 
lectual  dolls  what  can  say  Ma-maa,  Ma-maa,  but  the  critter 
was  as  proud  o'  this  bark  as  though  it  shook  all  the  buildin's 
on  the  place.  The  blame  thing  was  n't  physically  able  to  in 
flict  much  more  damage  than  a  mosquito,  but  it  was  full  as 
bloodthirsty,  an'  it  had  took  a  keen  disregard  for  Bill 
Andrews. 

Bill  Andrews  was  still  the  foreman,  an'  one  day  he  was  on 
his  way  to  the  office  to  make  a  report  to  Dick  when  this  imi 
tation  dog  came  sailin'  around  the  corner  an'  took  a  grab  at 
his  leg.  He  had  a  brandnew  pair  of  pants  on,  an'  they  was 
outside  his  boots.  You  know  how  corduroy  tears  when  the 
dye  has  been  a  bit  too  progressive.  Well,  the  pup  loosened 
up  a  piece  like  a  section  of  pie.  Bill  Andrews  lost  his  Chris 
tian  fortitude,  give  that  toy  muff  a  kick  that  landed  him  fif 
teen  feet  —  an'  Barbie  came  around  the  corner,  an'  Dick  came 
out  of  the  office  at  the  same  time. 

The  poor  little  pup  was  a-layin'  on  his  back  yelpin'  like  a 
love-sick  bob-cat;  a  white  rage  came  over  me  an'  I  pulled 
out  my  gun ;  but  before  I  could  use  it  Dick  had  sailed  into 
him  without  a  word.  Bill  Andrews  was  too  flustered  to  pull 
his  own  gun,  so  he  put  up  his  hands,  but  it  did  n't  do  no  good. 


HAPPY    MAKES    A    DISCOVERY    253 

Dick  caught  him  under  the  chin,  an'  the  back  of  his  head 
struck  the  ground  several  moments  before  his  feet  arrived. 
It  was  a  beautiful  blow;  I  never  seen  a  neater.  I  don't 
reckon  Barbie  ever  did  either;  'cause  as  soon  as  she  had 
gathered  up  the  pup  she  walked  up  to  Dick  an'  sez,  "  I  want 
to  thank  you  for  this,  an'  to  say  that  I  am  in  your  debt  to  the 
extent  of  any  favor  what 's  in  my  power."  Course  Dick  was 
locoed  the  same  as  usual.  His  face  looked  like  the  settin' 
sun,  an'  he  could  n't  pump  out  a  word  to  save  him.  Them 
two  found  it  mighty  hard  to  overcome  the  first  prejudice 
they  'd  felt  again  each  other. 

Bill  Andrews  he  set  up  after  a  bit,  with  his  hands  on  the 
ground,  bracin'  himself  while  he  was  tryin'  to  recall  the  his 
tory  of  the  few  precedin'  moments.  Dick  looked  down  at 
him  calmly  an'  said,  "  As  soon  as  you  have  apologized  to 
Miss  Judson  you  may  come  into  the  office  and  we  shall  trans 
act  our  business."  Then  he  lifted  his  hat,  whirled  on  his 
heel,  an  'stalked  inside  like  as  if  he  was  a  colonel. 

Bill  Andrews  was  purty  tol'able  low-spirited;  but  he 
handed  out  as  affectin'  an  excuse  as  he  could  dream  up,  and 
as  soon  as  Barbie  had  spoke  her  piece  he  slouched  into  the 
office  purty  consid'able  cargoed  up  with  conflictin'  emotions. 
I  'd  ruther  shoot  a  man  an'  not  kill  him,  than  to  be  the  cause 
of  makin'  him  look  ridiculous  before  a  woman  —  that  is,  a 
revengeful  sneak  like  what  Bill  Andrews  was. 

As  soon  as  he  an'  Dick  got  through  with  their  talk,  an'  it 
was  a  purty  tol'able  lengthy  confab  at  that,  Bill  Andrews 
went  to  the  boss  an'  tendered  in  his  resignation.  Cast  Steel 
accepted  it  mighty  hearty,  'cause  Barbie  had  just  been  callin' 
on  him;  an'  that  very  mornin'  Dick  made  Pete  Hanson 
foreman. 

Next  night  the  office  safe  was  opened  an'  fifteen  hundred 


254  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

dollars  was  took.  Every  one  thought  right  away  of  Bill 
Andrews,  an'  the  ol'  man  sent  us  out  in  pairs  to  scour 
the  country.  The'  was  n't  much  scourin'  to  be  done,  how 
ever,  'cause  we  found  Bill  Andrews  on  the  next  ranch, 
an'  they  was  ready  to  swear  'at  he  hadn't  left  it  all 
night.  The'  was  n't  no  one  else  that  any  one  felt  like 
suspectin'.  Jabez  was  n't  the  man  to  weep  over  upsettin'  a 
can  o'  condensed,  an'  purty  soon  the  theft  was  forgot  an' 
everything  was  runnin'  along  as  smooth  as  forty  quarts 
o'  joint-oil. 

The  oF  man  kept  dependin'  more  an'  more  on  Dick,  until 
finally  Dick  got  to  signin'  checks,  orderin'  all  the  supplies,  an' 
takin'  full  charge ;  while  Jabez  spent  most  of  his  time  taggin' 
around  after  Barbie.  They  was  like  a  couple  o'  young  chil 
dren  ;  but  Barbie  was  n't  quite  so  high-headed  with  Dick 
after  the  dog  affair,  an'  they  got  to  ridin'  together  quite  a 
bit  themselves.  Barbie  was  just  as  good  friends  with  me  as 
ever ;  but  I  could  see  —  any  one  could  see  —  that  Jabez  was 
willin'  to  call  Dick  a  son-in-law  just  the  minute  that  Barbie 
was. 

By  the  time  he  had  been  there  a  year  Dick  was  the  big  head 
chief,  an'  the  ranch  was  boomin'  along  like  a  river  steam 
boat.  He  allus  got  the  best  of  everything  in  the  way  of  sup 
plies,  an'  every  laddie-buck  in  the  West  knew  of  it;  so 
'at  a  Diamond  Dot  puncher  did  n't  throw  up  his  job  just  for 
exercise.  The'  was  a  swarm  o'  white-faced  calves,  an'  about 
half  of  'em  wore  other  fellers'  brands,  which  was  a  receipt 
for  a  lot  of  fancy  money;  so  'at  Jabez  was  as  well  satisfied 
as  the  men ;  an'  even  Barbie  had  come  to  own  up  that  Dick 
was  the  fittin'est  man  in  those  parts.  I  could  read  every 
thought  in  her  head,  an'  it  hurt  me  to  think  that  at  last  I 
*  ad  dropped  back  to  second  fiddle ;  but  I  could  see  that  Dick 


HAPPY    MAKES    A     DISCOVERY    255 

had  had  chances  that  I  had  n't  had,  an'  —  an'  I  allus  aim  to 
play  fair,  so  I  took  to  ridin'  alone  an'  workin'  harder  than 
I  was  used  to. 

She  could  strum  a  guitar  till  you  'd  be  willin'  to  swear  it 
was  the  heavenly  harps  of  the  Celustial  Choir;  an'  she  an' 
Dick  used  to  loaf  around  in  the  moonlight  makin'  melody 
'at  was  worth  goin'  a  good  long  ways  to  hear.  They  sure 
made  a  tasty  couple,  an'  all  the  boys  used  to  like  to  see  'em 
together.  In  fact,  the  whole  Diamond  Dot  was  as  match- 
makey  as  a  quiltin'  bee. 

One  moonlight  night  I  'd  been  up  to  ol'  Monody's  grave, 
an'  I  came  walkin'  back  about  half -past  nine.  It  was  more  'n 
twelve  years  since  OY  Monody  had  passed  over,  but  it  did  n't 
seem  that  long.  Just  as  I  turned  a  corner,  I  heard  a  laugh 
that  seemed  to  float  to  me  from  a  long  ways  back  in  the  past. 
It  was  Jim  Jimison's  laugh,  an'  as  I  came  around  the  corner 
of  the  house  there  he  stood  with  his  back  to  me,  talkin'  to 
Barbie.  "  Well,  for  the  Gee  Whizz !  "  I  cried.  He  turned, 
an'  it  was  Dick.  We  looked  into  each  other's  eyes  a  moment, 
an'  then  I  forced  a  laugh  an'  went  on  to  the  stallion  stable, 
where  I  sat  down  to  puzzle  it  out. 

It  was  n't  very  long  before  Dick  came  to  me  an'  held  out 
his  hand.  I  took  it,  an'  we  gave  an  old-time  grip.  "  I  was 
wonderin'  how  long  it  would  be  before  you  saw  through  me," 
he  sez. 

I  got  the  moon  in  his  face  an'  looked  at  him  a  long  time. 
Of  course  a  dozen  years  and  the  beard  made  a  lot  of  differ 
ence,  but  not  near  all.  When  I  'd  left  him,  he  was  only  a 
boy,  a  boy  all  the  way  through,  —  looks,  words,  actions ; 
while  now  he  was  a  man  an'  a  sizey  one  at  that.  It  ain't 
years  alone  that  make  any  such  change.  I  knew  in  a  minute 
that  Jim  had  been  through  something  that  was  mighty  near 


256  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

too  narrow  to  get  through.  "  Well,"  sez  I,  "  what 's  the 
story  ?  " 

"  You  put  me  on  my  feet,  Happy,"  sez  he,  "  an'  after  you 
left  I  just  kept  on  goin'.  I  tended  to  my  stuff,  an'  I  im 
proved  it  an'  I  took  on  new  ranges,  an'  I  made  it  go,  I  sure 
made  it  go.  Then  the  Exporters  Cattle  Company  got  after 
me.  My  range  was  needed  to  fill  a  gap  between  two  o' 
their  ranges,  an'  they  tried  to  make  me  sell. 

"  I  did  n't  want  to  sell,  I  was  makin'  money  an'  I  was  layin' 
it  up;  and  I  wasn't  ready  to  stop  workin'  at  my  age,  so  I 
fought  back.  I  did  n't  stand  any  show.  There  's  a  bunch 
o'  these  big  companies  that  are  all  the  same,  under  different 
names,  an'  they  fought  me  on  the  ground  an'  on  the  rail 
roads,  an'  at  the  stock  yards;  they  tried  to  turn  my  men 
again  me ;  they  had  my  stuff  run  onto  their  range,  an'  then 
tried  to  prevent  my  gettin'  it  back.  I  did  n't  mind  their 
open  warfare;  but  their  underhanded  ways  drove  me  wild. 
One  o'  their  agents  used  to  dog  me  around  every  time 
I  'd  go  to  town.  He  'd  grin  an'  ask  me  if  I  was  n't  ready 
to  sell  out  yet.  I  finally  closed  out  the  cattle,  an'  started 
to  raise  only  horses.  One  night  my  three  thorough-bred 
stallions  had  their  throats  cut,  an'  then  next  time  I  went 
to  town  he  came  in  when  I  was  eatin'  my  supper,  grinnin' 
as  usual,  an'  asked  me  if  I  thought  raisin'  hosses  would 
pay. 

"  I  knew  what  his  game  was  an'  tried  my  best  to  hold  in, 
but  I  could  n't  help  tellin'  him  that  I  did  n't  suppose  it  would 
pay  quite  so  well  as  hirin'  out  to  murder  hosses  would.  This 
was  enough  for  him ;  he  called  me  everything  he  could  lay 
tongue  to,  and  when  I  rose  to  my  feet  he  pulled  his  gun. 
The  other  men  in  the  room  were  beginnin'  to  sneer  at  me, 
but  I  knew  the  consequences,  and  started  to  leave.  He 


HAPPY    MAKES    A    DISCOVERY    257 

grabbed  me  by  the  shoulder  an'  whirled  me  around.  '  Git 
down  on  your  knees,'  he  sez,  '  an'  'pologize  to  me.' 

"  That  was  my  limit.  My  cup  was  nearly  full  of  coffee, 
an'  I  dashed  the  coffee  in  his  face,  hoping  to  get  hold  of  his 
gun.  But  he  jumped  back  an'  fired.  He  missed  me,  an'  I 
hit  him  in  the  center  of  the  forehead  with  the  coffee  cup.  It 
was  big  an'  heavy,  and  it  —  killed  him.  This  was  just  what 
the  bunch  wanted;  but  in  spite  of  their  precautions  I  got 
away,  came  north,  and  got  into  another  business;  but  that 
did  n't  suit  either ;  so  here  I  am,  with  the  worst  gang  in  this 
country  achin'  to  get  track  o'  me." 

"  How  long  ago  was  this,  Jim  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Call  me  Dick,"  sez  he.  "  It  was  about  four  years  ago  now.  I 
leased  my  land  for  more  'n  enough  to  pay  taxes,  but  I  suppose 
it  will  all  blow  up  sometime,  an'  they  '11  get  me  in  the  end." 

"  I  don't  suppose  the'  's  any  way  to  go  back  an'  square  it, 
is  there?"  sez  I. 

"  Hell,  no !  "  he  sez,  bitter  as  death.    "  They  own  Texas." 

"  Have  n't  you  any  friends  there  who  would  swear  it  was 
self-defense  ?  "  sez  I. 

"I've  got  plenty  of  friends  there  —  that's  how  I  got 
away;  but  they  don't  dare  to  fight  that  cattle  crowd  in  the 
open,"  sez  he. 

"  Looks  purty  bad,"  sez  I. 

"  It 's  rotten  bad !  "  sez  he.  "  But  this  is  business  all  right. 
Whenever  I  hear  any  one  talk  about  the  morals  of  business 
it  drives  me  wild.  The'  ain't  any  morals  in  business.  The 
best  it  ever  is,  is  straight  gamblin'  —  I  say  the  best  it  ever 
is,  is  straight  gamblin'  "  —  Jim's  voice  was  gritty  with  wrath 
—  "  while  at  the  worst,"  he  went  on,  "  it  stoops  to  murder, 
wholesale  and  retail,  it  ruins  homes,  it  manufactures  thieves 
an'  perjurers  an'  —  " 


258  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  You  remind  me  of  a  feller  named  Fergoson,"  sez  I. 
"  He  said  that  at  the  best,  business  was  stealin'." 

"  I  like  him,"  sez  Jim,  or  I  suppose  I  better  say  Dick.  "  I 
like  him.  You  could  n't  fool  him  with  a  lot  o'  pleasant  names 
for  things.  He  dealt  in  the  spirit  of  a  deed.  I  like  him." 

It  was  n't  much  peculiar  that  I  had  n't  recognized  the  boy. 
As  he  talked,  I  could  see  the  caged  tiger  glarin'  out  through 
his  eyes,  an'  I  knew  that  something  wild  would  happen  if 
the  bars  ever  broke. 

"  I  'm  mighty  sorry,  Dick,"  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  I  ain't  through  with  'em  yet.  I  'm  not  clear  out  of 
the  game.  You  don't  need  to  think  'at  they  Ve  broke  me," 
sez  he. 

"  I  was  n't  thinkin'  o'  you,"  I  said  in  a  low  tone. 

He  drew  in  his  breath,  an'  the  noise  he  made  was  half 
way  between  a  sob  an'  a  groan.  "  My  God !  "  he  said  be 
tween  set  teeth.  "  Do  you  think  that  I  have  n't  carried  that 
cross  also  ?  But  I  've  changed  a  lot  in  five  years,  an'  they 
won't  think  of  me  at  the  Diamond  Dot.  Happy,  I  've  got  a 
scheme  for  organizin'  the  cattlemen  o'  the  Northwest  to  fight 
that  Texas  crowd  an'  whip  'em  out  o'  the  business.  I  know 
the  game  from  A  to  Z,  an'  if  I  can  just  work  it  through  with 
out  comin'  out  in  the  open  I  can  beat  'em." 

"  Mebbe,"  sez  I,  "  but  it 's  exposin'  her  to  a  mighty  big 
risk." 

"  I  '11  never  do  that,  whatever  happens,"  sez  he. 

"  As  long  as  this  Texas  crime  hangs  over  you,  it  hangs 
over  her  too,"  sez  I,  "  an'  as  soon  as  your  fight  gets  under 
way  they  '11  turn  your  record  inside  out,  an'  you  know  it." 

He  gripped  his  hands  together  an'  punched  a  hole  in  the 
ground  with  his  heel,  an'  you  could  tell  by  his  face  that  he 
was  mighty  sorry  he  could  n't  have  picked  out  the  face  he  'd 


HAPPY    MAKES    A    DISCOVERY    259 

have  liked  to  have  under  his  heel  instead  of  the  ground. 
Finally  he  put  his  hand  on  my  shoulder  an'  sez,  "  Well, 
Happy,  you  allus  did  have  the  gift  of  hittin'  the  nail  on  the 
head ;  an'  I  '11  promise  that  no  matter  what  comes  up,  I 
won't  do  anything  to  risk  the  happiness  of  —  of  Barbie. 
You  just  remember  to  keep  on  callin'  me  Dick,  an'  I  reckon 
I  '11  be  content  to  let  the  revenge  part  go,  an'  just  settle  down 
with  my  head  under  cover.  They  did  n't  remember  me  in 
the  Chicago  stock  yards,  an'  you  did  n't  recognize  me ;  so 
I  suppose  it 's  safe  enough,  if  I  just  keep  quiet." 

We  shook  hands,  an'  he  went  back  to  the  house ;  but  I 
could  easy  see  that  he  was  troubled.  I  stayed  out  with  the 
stars  purty  late  that  night.  It  was  clear  an'  bright  an'  peace 
ful  when  I  looked  up,  but  when  I  tried  to  look  ahead  it 
seemed  misty  an'  dark  an'  gloomy,  so  I  looked  straight  up 
for  a  long,  long  time;  an'  then  when  they  soothed  me,  as 
they  allus  do,  I  went  to  bed  an'  slept  like  a  log. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-TWO 

A   FRIENDLY   GAME 

ABOUT  three  days  after  this,  a  slick  lookin'  feller  came  ridin* 
in  about  sun-down,  an'  of  course  they  booked  him  for  supper 
an'  bed ;  a  stranger  did  n't  want  to  expose  himself  to  a  meal 
at  that  outfit,  less'n  he  was  in  the  mood  to  eat.  He  was  a 
fine  easy  talker,  an'  he  had  indoor  hands  too,  an'  one  o'  these 
smiles  what  is  made  to  order ;  what  you  might  call  a  candi 
date's  smile  —  a  sort  o'  lightin'  up  in  honor  o'  the  person 
bein'  addressed.  Barbie  had  a  bit  of  a  headache,  'cause  her 
cinch  had  broke  that  mornin'  while  she  was  havin'  a  little 
argument  with  a  bad-actor ;  an'  about  eight  o'clock  she  give 
us  the  fare-you-well  an'  fluttered  up  to  bed. 

So  the  four  of  us  —  me,  Dick,  the  stranger,  an'  ol'  Jabez 
—  sat  there  smokin'  seegars  an'  tellin'  anecdotes.  About  nine 
Piker,  which  was  the  name  the  stranger  had  handed  in,  sez, 
"  Do  you  gentlemen  ever  indulge  in  a  little  friendly  game  ?  " 

Now  Dick  had  never  throwed  a  card  in  his  life,  to  my 
knowin'.  The  ol'  man  used  to  play  some,  but  he  was  mighty 
choicy  who  he  played  with ;  while  I  —  well,  o'  course,  I 
played.  Dick  didn't  say  anything  at  first,  but  he  give  the 
stranger  a  long  an'  a  curious  look,  as  though  he  was  tryin' 
to  place  him.  He  looked  so  long  that  both  me  an'  the  ol'  man 
noticed  it.  "  I  don't  care  to  play,"  sez  Dick,  blowin'  a  ring 
o'  smoke  to  the  ceilin'. 

The  ol'  man  had  been  trottin'  along  without  a  break  for  a 
consid'able  of  a  stretch,  an'  the  proposition  looked  amply 
sufficient  to  him,  so  he  sez  pleasantly,  "  Well,  now,  boys,  it 


A    FRIENDLY    GAME  261 

would  n't  be  a  bad  way  to  spend  the  evenin'.  We  could  make 
the  stakes  small  an'  we  could  have  a  right  sociable  time 
together." 

'T  ain't  altogether  wise  to  jump  hasty  at  another  man's 
idee  of  size.  I  had  seen  the  6V  man  sit  in  a  game  where 
steers  was  the  ante  an'  car-loads  the  limit ;  but  at  that  time 
I  thought  I  knew  just  a  little  wee  mite  more  about  the  game 
than  airy  other  man  what  played  straight,  so  I  sez,  "  Well, 
I  '11  set  in  a  while ;  but  I  don't  care  to  lose  more  'n  a  hun 
dred  dollars  " ;  which  was  just  what  I  'd  saved  out  for  a  little 
vacation  I  was  ruminatin'  about. 

Oh,  we  '11  only  play  a  quarter  ante  an'  five  dollar  limit," 
sez  Jabez.  "  Come  on,  boys,  clear  the  table  an'  let 's  get 
started." 

Dick  did  n't  seem  to  want  to  play  at  all,  but  after  the  ol' 
man  had  coaxed  him  a  little  he  drew  up  his  chair  an'  we 
started  in.  The  old  man's  deck  was  purty  tol'able  careworn 
an'  floppy,  an'  the  stranger  sez,  "  I  happen  to  have  a  couple 
o'  new  decks  what  have  never  been  opened.  We  '11  open  one 
in  honor  o'  the  occasion." 

"  This  deck  is  good  enough,"  sez  Dick,  an'  he  spoke  purty 
harsh.  As  me  an'  the  ol'  man  looked  up,  our  glances  met 
an'  we  showed  surprise.  Dick  wasn't  a  bit  like  himself; 
but  the  stranger  did  n't  take  no  offense,  he  just  smiled  a  bit 
careless  an'  put  his  cards  on  the  stand,  sayin,  "  Well,  I  '11 
just  leave  'em  here  handy,  an'  if  we  decide  to  use  'em  later 
we  can  open  'em  up.  For  my  part,  I  like  a  new  deck." 

"  So  do  I,"  sez  the  ol'  man.  "  I  'm  sorry  mine  are  so  bum. 
I  meant  to  send  for  some  new  ones  a  long  time  ago,  but  I 
allus  forgot  it." 

The  stranger  took  out  a  healthy  lookin'  stack  o'  gold, 
Dick  an'  Jabez  did  the  same,  an'  my  little  squad  o'  yella 


262  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

fellers  looked  purty  tol'able  squeezy.  Dick  was  tremendous 
sober ;  his  face  was  pale,  his  eyes  were  hid  away  beneath  his 
brows,  an'  kept  dartin'  here  an'  there  like  the  eyes  of  a 
hawk.  Now  for  me,  I  allus  have  a  curious  premonition  when 
anything  is  goin'  to  happen,  an'  I  began  to  have  it  bad. 

Still  the  longer  we  played  the  easier  Dick  got  in  his  ways, 
an'  purty  soon  he  was  smilin'  as  open-faced  as  a  dollar- 
watch.  We  played  along  nice  an'  gentle;  my  luck  arrived 
early,  an'  purty  soon  the  yella  fellers  begun  to  percalate  in 
my  direction.  About  half-past  ten  Piker  had  to  dig  up  some 
more  funds,  an'  he  sez,  "  It 's  gettin'  kind  o'  late,  boys,  let 's 
raise  the  edge  a  bit.  Hawkins  there  has  had  all  the  luck  so 
far,  an'  when  it  changes  we  ought  to  have  a  show  to  get 
back  our  riskin's." 

"  All  right,"  sez  Jabez,  "  we  '11  double." 

"  The  stakes  suit  me  all  right,"  sez  Dick.  "  In  fact,  I  'd 
ruther  split  'em." 

I  was  feelin'  purty  consid'able  opulent  myself,  so  I  voted 
to  double. 

"  Three  to  one,"  sez  Piker,  "  the  stakes  are  doubled." 

"  The  original  agreement  can't  be  changed  durin'  a  game 
without  the  unanimous  consent  of  all  the  players,"  sez  Dick, 
speakin'  like  a  judge;  "  but  as  the  rest  of  you  wish  it,  I  '11 
give  mine." 

From  that  on  the  luck  shifted.  Two  or  three  times  I  see 
a  queer  look  steal  across  the  ol'  man's  face;  but  everything 
was  out  in  the  open,  as  far  as  I  could  see.  I  played  even 
Steven ;  but  the  wind  shifted  plumb  away  from  Jabez,  an' 
he  lost  steady.  Part  of  the  time  Dick  corraled  the  pots,  an' 
part  of  the  time  me  an'  Piker  provided  shelter  for  'em ;  but 
no  matter  who  won,  the  ol'  man  lost. 

Twice  he  frowned  purty  serious,  an'  once  I  caught  him 


A    FRIENDLY     GAME  263 

givin'  Dick  a  queer  hurt  look.  The  ol'  man  had  n't  a  drop 
o'  welcher  blood  in  his  make-up ;  but  cheatin'  was  spelled  in 
mighty  red  letters  to  'im.  Dick  was  smilin'  now  as  sweet 
as  a  girl  baby,  an'  makin'  funny,  joshin'  remarks,  which  was 
a  new  turn  for  him ;  but  at  the  same  time  the'  was  somethin' 
in  his  face  that  was  n't  altogether  pleasant. 

When  midnight  arrived  Dick  an'  Piker  was  each  about 
two  thousand  ahead,  I  was  slidin'  back  to  taw,  an'  the  old 
man  was  payin'  the  fiddler.  We  had  doubled  the  edge  again 
at  eleven,  an'  were  usin'  both  the  strange  decks,  chaiigin" 
every  few  deals.  Then  the  luck  began  to  settle  to  Dick. 
Two  out  of  three  times  on  his  own  deals,  an'  every  single 
time  on  Piker's  deals,  the  devidends  slid  into  Dick's  coffers, 
while  I  was  growin'  resigned  to  havin'  had  a  good  run  for 
my  money.  Jabez'  face  was  drawn  an'  worried,  which  was 
queer,  'cause  he  was  allus  a  royal  loser. 

At  last  we  had  built  up  a  four-story  jack-pot,  an'  every 
feller's  face  wore  the  take-off-your-hat-to-me  smile.  It  was 
Dick's  deal  an'  we  all  held  three  cards  except  Jabez  who  had 
furnished  openers.  He  only  wintered  through  a  pair,  but 
after  he  looked  at  his  draw  he  settled  back  to  enjoy  himself. 
I  held  three  kings  an'  a  brace  o'  trays.  It  looked  to  me  as 
if  that  jack-pot  belonged  to  Happy  Hawkins.  The  peculiar 
expression  had  wore  off  Jabez'  face,  an'  his  eyes  had  a  glad 
glint  in  'em.  I  was  only  in  for  my  table  stakes,  so  I  did  n't 
.make  much  of  a  noise,  nohow;  but  the  other  three  kept 
boostin'  her  up  till  it  begun  to  look  like  a  man's  game  all 
right. 

"If  you  '11  excuse  the  limit,  I  'd  like  to  show  my  apprecia 
tion  of  this  little  hand  by  bettin'  a  hundred  on  it,"  sez  Piker. 

"  I  'm  willin',"  sez  Jabez,  "  an'  if  it  goes,  why,  I  '11  see  your 
appreciation  an'  raise  you  five  hundred." 


264  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  I  don't  have  any  more  vote,"  sez  I,  "  just  enjoy  your 
selves." 

"  Oh,  no,  Happy,"  sez  Dick,  as  serious  as  a  hangman ;  "  no 
matter  if  we  raise  the  edge  every  hand,  you  must  vote  on  it 
each  time.  We  must  be  perfectly  regular,  you  know,  because 
this  is  merely  a  friendly  little  game  to  pass  away  the  even 
ing,  you  remember.  I  shall  make  no  objections." 

Jabez  had  slid  deep  into  his  chair,  an'  now  he  had  a  fierce 
scowl  on  his  face.  "  That  was  my  toe  you  was  a-pressin'," 
he  sez,  lookin'  Piker  between  the  eyes. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  sez  Piker,  latighin'  easy ;  "  I  thought 
it  was  Silv  —  I  mean  Whittington's.  I  wanted  him  to 
keep  still  until  after  this  hand  was  out.  Then  I  '11  be  willin' 
to  quit  or  go  back  to  the  old  limit,  or  keep  right  along  with 
the  lid  off." 

I  glanced  at  Dick;  an'  talk  about  jerk-lightnin' !  Well, 
I  can't  see  yet  what  kept  Piker  from  gettin'  scorched;  but 
Jabez  was  in  a  good  humor  again  from  lookin'  at  his  royalty, 
so  he  turns  to  Dick  an'  sez,  "  Now,  Dick,  Piker  's  company, 
you  know,  an'  J  reckon  we  'd  better  humor  him.  What  do 
you  say  ?  " 

"  Off  goes  the  lid,"  sez  Dick. 

They  bet  around  awhile  longer  until  nearly  all  of  Dick's 
money  was  in  the  pot  an'  Jabez  had  a  neat  little  pile  of  checks 
representin'  him.  Then  Dick  bet  his  balance  an'  called.  We 
all  laid  down  with  a  satisfied  grin.  Jabez  had  queens  full 
on  Jacks,  Piker  had  three  bullets  an'  a  team  o'  ten-spots, 
Dick  had  a  royal  straight  flush,  an'  I  had  a  nervous  chill. 
Three  aristocratic  fulls  an'  a  royal  straight !  Nobody  spoke, 
an'  the  money  stayed  where  it  was,  in  the  center  of  the  table. 
Finally  the  ol'  man  sez,  makin'  an  effort  to  speak  cordial, 
"  Well,  I  've  had  enough  for  one  evenin',  I  guess  I  '11  quit." 


A    FRIENDLY    GAME  265 

"  Now,  boys,"  sez  Dick,  in  a  low,  husky  voice,  "  I  don't 
believe  in  gamblin'.  I  only  went  into  this  to  be  sociable,  an' 
I  want  you  all  to  take  your  money  back." 

We  sat  an'  looked  at  Dick  with  our  eyes  poppin'  out,  'cause 
that  was  n't  our  way  o'  playin'  the  game  in  that  neighbor 
hood.  Suddenly  the  ol'  man  whirled  an'  glared  at  Piker. 
"What  the  hell  do  you  mean  by  pressin'  my  toe?"  he 
growls  between  his  set  teeth.  "  This  is  the  fourth  time 
you  Ve  done  it  to-night." 

Piker  seemed  confused,  an'  mumbled  an'  stammered,  an* 
could  n't  hardly  speak  at  all.  "  It  ain't  my  custom  to  play 
with  strangers,"  sez  Jabez,  an'  he  was  fast  gettin'  into  the 
dangerous  stage,  "  but  you  are  my  guest.  I  won't  take  my 
money  back,  but  if  Dick  is  willin',  I  '11  write  him  a  check 
for  yours  an'  you  can  take  your  condemned  filthy  gold  an' 
get  out  o'  here." 

"  I  ain't  askin'  my  money  back,"  sez  Piker.  "  I  'm  game, 
I  am ;  but  I  can't  savvy  this  scheme  o'  dividin'  up  after  the 
game."  He  paused  a  second,  an'  then  sez  clear  an'  distinct, 
"  This  ain't  exactly  the  way  'at  Silver  Dick  used  to  play 
the  game  when  he  made  a  business  of  it." 

Piker  leaned  back  an'  stared  at  Dick  in  a  sneerin'  sort  of 
way ;  while  me  an'  the  ol'  man  stared  at  him  with  our  eyes 
poppin'  out.  Silver  Dick,  Silver  Dick:  every  one  in  the 
West  had  heard  of  Silver  Dick.  It  did  n't  seem  possible ; 
but  as  me  an'  Jabez  sat  gazin'  at  him,  we  knew  'at  our 
Dick  was  Silver  Dick  the  gambler,  an'  the  smoothest  arti 
cle,  accordin'  to  reports,  'at  ever  threw  a  card.  Dick 
didn't  say  a  word;  just  sat  there  with  his  face  pale  as  a 
sheet,  an'  his  glitterin'  black  eyes  dartin'  flame  at  Piker's 
nasty  grin. 

"I  see  you  don't  recognize  me  with  a  full  beard,"  sez 


266  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Piker;    "but  down  at  Laramie  they  called  me  Jo  Denton. 
It  was  my  cousin,  Big  Brown,  that  you  shot." 

"  Do  you  happen  to  know  what  I  shot  him  for  ?  "  Dick's 
face  was  as  hard  as  marble,  an'  his  voice  was  as  cold  as  ice. 

"  I  was  n't  there  at  the  time,"  sez  Piker  in  an  irritatin' 
voice,  "  but  I  know  that  it  was  because  he  spoke  about  it 
bein'  a  little  peculiar  that  you  held  such  wonderful  good 
hands  on  your  own  deal." 

Dick  did  n't  make  no  reply,  but  he  slipped  his  hand  inside 
his  shirt,  an'  I  knew  he  had  his  gun  there. 

"  I  say  that  this  was  the  excuse  for  your  shootin' ;  "  Piker 
went  on,  bent  on  gettin'  all  the  trouble  the'  was;  "but  I 
allus  believed,  myself,  that  it  started  over  the  woman  you 
was  keepin'." 

Dick's  gun  flashed  in  the  air ;  but  quick  as  a  wink  ol'  Cast 
Steel  knocked  it  up  with  his  right  hand,  an'  struck  at  Dick 
with  his  left.  The  bullet  crashed  through  the  ceiling,  an' 
Dick  grabbed  Jabez'  wrist  at  the  same  instant.  Piker  made 
a  quick  snap  under  the  table,  a  gun  went  off,  an'  the  bullet 
tore  through  the  slack  o'  Dick's  vest  an'  spinged  into  the 
wall  behind  him. 

Then  I  kicked  off  my  hobbles  an'  sailed  in  on  my  own 
hook.  Dick  had  allus  been  white  to  me  —  an'  back  in  the 
old  days  he  was  the  squarest  feller  on  earth  —  so  I  felt 
mightly  relieved  when  I  caught  Piker  in  the  center  of  the 
forehead  with  a  full  left-swing.  It  was  a  blow  'at  nobody 
did  n't  have  no  grounds  to  complain  of.  The  chair  flew  over 
backwards,  Piker's  feet  made  a  lovely  circle,  an'  his  head 
tried  to  insinuate  itself  into  the  mopboard.  He  remained 
quiet,  an'  I  started  in  to  satisfy  my  curiosity. 

"  Stay  where  you  are,"  commanded  Dick,  an'  I  stuck  in 
my  tracks.  "  No  man  is  allowed  to  doubt  my  deal  without 


A    FRIENDLY    GAME  267 

bavin'  something  to  remind  him  of  it.  I  ain't  a-goin'  to  kill 
that  snake  now;  but  I  do  intend  to  remove  his  trigger 
fingers." 

Dick  still  held  Jabez  by  a  peculiar  twist  in  the  wrist  'at 
made  the  ol'  man  wince  a  little;  he  held  his  gun  ready,  an' 
calmly  sized  up  Piker's  hand,  which  was  flattened  out  again 
the  wall.  I  stood  where  I  was,  an'  the  room  was  so  quiet 
it  hurt  your  ears. 

A  grin  of  wolfish  joy  came  into  Dick's  face  as  he  stood 
there  with  his  gun  back  of  his  head  an'  his  thumb  on  the 
hammer  —  of  course  he  was  a  snap-shooter  —  these  nervous 
fellers  allus  are.  It  seemed  as  if  we  had  all  been  in  that 
same  position  for  ages,  when  suddenly  a  voice  said,  "  Why, 
Dad,  what 's  the  matter  ?  " 

It  was  Barbie  with  her  hair  all  rumpled  up  an'  a  loose 
gray  wrapper  on.  Dick  dropped  his  hands  to  his  side  an' 
turned  his  face  away ;  while  Jabez  put  his  arm  about  her 
an'  told  her  that  we  had  had  a  little  mix-up  but  that  it  was 
all  over  now  an'  she  must  go  back  to  bed.  She  reared  up  an' 
vetoed  the  motion  without  parley ;  but  the  ol'  man  finally 
convinced  her,  an'  she  agreed  to  go  if  we  'd  promise  not  to 
stir  up  any  more  trouble.  Me  an'  Jabez  promised  quick, 
but  Dick  never  said  a  word.  She  looked  him  in  the  face 
mighty  beseech ful,  but  he  wouldn't  look  at  her;  an'  when 
he  finally  promised  not  to  start  any  more  fuss  his  voice  was 
so  low  you  could  hardly  hear  him. 

She  was  pale  as  a  ghost,  an'  Dick's  voice  made  her  all  the 
more  suspicious.  "  I  '11  not  go  one  step,"  she  said  at  last, 
sinkin'  down  in  a  chair;  but  Dick  walked  over  to  her  an' 
asked  her  to  step  into  the  next  room  with  him  a  minute. 
They  only  talked  together  a  few  moments,  an'  then  we 
heard  her  give  a  stifled  sob  an'  go  back  upstairs.  I  never 


268  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

see  such  a  change  as  had  come  over  Jabez.  His  face  was 
drawn  an'  haggard  like  the  face  of  a  man  lost  in  the  desert 
without  water. 

The  time  had  come  at  last  when  another  man  stood  between 
his  daughter  —  his  greatest  treasure  on  earth  —  an'  himself. 
I  remembered  what  Friar  Tuck  had  said  about  the  time 
comin'  when  she'd  be  all  girl  an'  would  stand  before  him 
with  the  questions  of  life  in  her  eyes ;  an'  I  pitied  him,  God 
knows  I  pitied  him. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-THREE 

CAST    STEEL 

JABEZ  had  got  the  rope  on  himself  when  Dick  came  back, 
an'  he  spoke  to  him  in  the  voice  of  a  father  savin'  farewell 
to  the  son  who  had  gone  wrong  once  too  often.  "  I  don't 
care  nothin'  about  the  money,  Dick,"  he  said.  "  You  'd  'a' 
been  welcome  to  all  I  had;  but  I  can't  forgive  you  about 
my  little  girl.  You  made  her  love  you,  you  schemed  to  do 
it,  an'  you  came  here  with  that  end  in  view.  I  trusted  you 
from  the  ground  up,  but  I  can  see  a  heap  o'  things  now  'at 
I  would  n't  see  before.  I  had  a  letter  written  from  Bill  An 
drews  tellin'  me  'at  he  had  heard  you  brag  'at  you  intended 
to  get  holt  o'  my  money,  an'  that  it  would  pay  me  to  search 
you  instead  o'  suspectin'  him  —  " 

"  Where  was  the  letter  from  ?  "  asked  Dick. 

"  Laramie,"  sez  the  ol'  man. 

"  Kind  o'  curious,"  sez  Dick,  an'  his  voice  was  as  bitter 
as  the  dregs  o'  sin ;  "  that 's  where  Denton  came  from  too." 

"  You  deceived  me  all  along,"  sez  the  ol'  man,  not  payin' 
much  heed  to  Dick,  but  speakin'  mostly  to  himself.  "  You 
know  'at  what  I  hate  worse  'n  anything  else  is  deceit  —  an' 
here  you  've  been  fast  an'  loose  with  women  —  "  Dick  tried 
to  say  somethin',  but  the  ol'  man  stopped  him.  "  That  was 
bad  enough,"  he  went  on,  "  but  I  'm  no  fool ;  I  know  the 
world,  an'  I  could  forgive  you  a  good  deal ;  but  hang  it,  I 
never  could  forgive  you  bein'  a  professional  gambler  —  a 
man  that  lives  by  deceit  an'  trickery  an'  false  pretenses. 
Lookin'  back  now,  it  strikes  me  as  bein'  mighty  curious  how 


270  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

you  got  the  best  o'  Piker's  deals  too.  Was  Piker  or  Denton, 
or  whatever  his  name  is,  a  gambler  too  ?  " 

"  He  was,"  answered  Dick  in  a  low  tone. 

The  ol'  man  squared  himself,  an'  his  face  was  as  fierce 
as  the  face  of  an  ol'  she  bear.  "  Of  all  the  human  snakes 
I  ever  heard  of,  you  crawl  the  closest  to  the  ground.  You 
come  here  an'  act  as  square  as  a  man  can  until  you  have 
made  us  all  think  the  world  of  ya;  an'  yet  in  your  black 
heart  you  were  all  the  time  plottin'  to  get  my  money,  usin' 
my  little  girl  as  a  burglar  would  use  a  bar  to  open  a  safe 
with.  Even  then  you  could  n't  wait  in  patience ;  your  in 
born  cussedness  forced  you  to  steal  an'  cheat  —  and  yet,  boy, 
I  could  almost  forgive  you  for  deceivin'  me,  but  I  can't  never 
forgive  you  for  deceivin'  my  little  girl.  You  stand  there 
with  a  gun  in  your  hand  an'  I  stand  here  with  none ;  you 
brag  'at  no  man  can't  doubt  your  dealin'  without  havin'  cause 
to  remember  it ;  but  I  tell  you  to  your  teeth  that  you  're  a 
sneak  an'  a  cheat  an'  a  low-grade  coward." 

Dick  stood  with  his  head  thrown  back  an'  his  left  hand 
clenched,  while  his  right  gripped  the  butt  of  his  gun  so 
fierce  that  the  knuckles  stood  out  white  as  chalk  an'  the 
veins  was  black  an'  swollen.  His  bosom  was  heavin',  his 
teeth  showed  in  a  threatenin'  white  line,  an'  all  the  savage 
th'  was  in  him  was  cryin'  kill,  kill,  kill ! 

He  tottered  a  little  when  he  took  a  step  toward  Jabez ; 
but  he  laid  the  gun  on  the  table  with  the  butt  pointin'  towards 
Jabez,  an'  then  he  went  back  to  the  wall  an'  folded  his  arms. 
He  stood  lookin'  at  Jabez  for  a  moment,  an'  then  he  sez  slow 
an'  soft  an'  creepy :  "  Every  word  you  have  said  from  start 
to  finish  is  a  lie;  and  you  yourself  are  a  liar." 

The  ol'  man  choked.  He  loosened  the  collar  around  his 
neck,  fairly  gaspin'  for  breath ;  an'  then  he  grabbed  up  the 


CASTSTEEL  271 

gun  an'  held  it  ready  to  drop  on  Dick's  heart.  A  curious 
expression  came  over  Dick  as  he  looked  into  Jabez'  face; 
a  tired,  heart-achy  smile  as  though  he'd  be  so  glad  to  be 
all  through  with  it  that  he  would  n't  care  a  great  deal  how 
it  was  done.  Ol'  Cast  Steel  was  livin'  up  to  his  name  if  ever 
a  man  did.  The'  was  n't  a  sign  of  anger  in  his  face  by  this 
time,  nothin'  but  one  grim  purpose,  an'  it  was  horrid.  It 
looked  like  a  plain  case  o'  suicide  on  Dick's  part,  an'  I  was 
just  makin'  up  my  mind  whether  or  not  it  would  be  polite 
to  interfere,  when  the  door  opened  noiselessly  an'  Barbie 
stood  in  the  openin'. 

She  seemed  turned  to  stone  for  a  second,  an'  then  she  gave 
a  spring  an'  grabbed  the  ol'  man's  arm.  "  Jabez  Judson, 
what  are  you  doin'  ?  "  she  said,  an'  the'  was  n't  much  blood 
relation  in  her  tone. 

The  ol'  man  lowered  his  gun  an'  sank  into  a  chair,  while 
Barbie  stood  with  her  hands  on  her  hips  an'  looked  from 
one  to  the  other  of  us.  Then  it  would  be  the  time  for  our 
eyes  to  hit  the  carpet.  "  Now  I  want  to  know  the  meanin' 
o'  this,"  sez  she,  "  an'  I  want  the  full  truth.  This  is  nice 
doin's  over  a  game  o'  cards.  I  wish  I  had  thought  to  set  up 
a  bar,  so  you  'd  all  felt  a  little  more  at  home.  What 's  it 
about?" 

We  did  n't  none  of  us  seem  to  have  a  great  deal  to  say, 
but  just  stood  there  lookin'  foolish.  Finally  Dick  came  out 
of  it  an'  sez,  "  I  have  been  accused  of  cheatin'  an'  lyin'  an' 
stealin'.  The  circumstantial  evidence  is  all  again  me,  so 
I  shall  have  to  go  away;  but  you  remember  all  I  told  you 
out  in  the  other  room  —  an'  on  our  rides  across  the  plain, 
an'  on  our  walks  in  the  moonlight;  an'  Barbie,  girl,  don't 
you  believe  a  word  of  it. 

"  Good-bye,    Happy  —  I    know   you    an'    you   know    me. 


272  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

Jabez  Judson,  I  know  it  ain't  no  use  to  attempt  any  ex 
planation  ;  but  I  give  you  my  word  of  honor  —  an'  I  set 
just  as  much  store  by  it  as  any  man  in  all  the  world  —  that 
I  never  stacked  a  deck  o'  cards  in  my  life,  an'  I  never  held 
a  single  underhanded  thought  again  you;  while  as  for 
Barbie  —  well,  Barbie  knows.  Good-bye." 

Dick  turned  on  his  heel  an'  stalked  out  o'  the  room,  Bar 
bie  dropped  into  a  chair  sobbin',  an'  me  an'  the  old  man 
continued  to  look  like  the  genuine  guilty  parties.  Then  it 
occurred  to  me  that  mebbe  it  would  be  wise  to  see  if  Piker 
was  worth  botherin'  with.  First  thing  I  did  though  was  to 
see  where  he  had  helt  his  gun  when  he  fired  beneath  the 
table.  The'  was  n't  no  gun  on  the  floor,  an'  I  could  n't  no 
wise  savvy  it. 

He  had  one  gun  in  his  holster,  but  he  could  n't  have  pulled 
it  out  without  bein'  seen,  an'  he  couldn't  have  put  it  back, 
nohow.  I  was  plumb  mystified,  an'  had  about  give  it  up 
when  I  came  across  it.  I  own  up  it  was  a  clever  dodge,  but 
snakish  to  an  extreme.  He  had  fashioned  a  rig  just  above 
his  knee,  an'  when  he  had  sat  down  the  gun  had  been  pointin' 
at  Dick  all  through  the  game,  an'  nothin'  but  Jabez  makin' 
Dick  move  had  saved  him.  It  was  a  blood-thirsty  scheme, 
an'  I  felt  like  stampin'  his  face  into  a  jelly. 

His  head  was  still  bent  over  an'  he  was  black  in  the  face ; 
but  when  I  straightened  him  out  an'  soused  a  lot  o'  water 
over  him,  he  came  out  of  it,  an'  I  fair  itched  to  make  him 
eat  his  gun  —  knee-riggin'  an'  all !  He  sat  up  an'  began  to 
tell  what  a  low-down,  sneakin'  cuss  Dick  had  allus  been. 
I  let  him  sing  a  couple  o'  verses,  an'  then  I  sez :  "  Now,  you 
look  here,  you  slimy  spider,  Dick 's  too  busy  just  now  to 
attend  to  your  case  an'  if  you  don't  swaller  them  few  remarks 
instant  I  '11  be  obliged  to  prepare  you  for  the  coroner  myself. 


CASTSTEEL  273 

I  've  knowed  Dick  sometime,  an'  I  've  knowed  several  other 
men;  an'  I  know  enough  to  know  that  such  a  dust-eatin' 
lizard  as  you  never  could  know  enough  to  know  what  such 
a  man  as  Dick  was  thinkin'  out  or  plannin'  to  do.  An* 
furthermore,  you  're  a  liar  in  your  heart,  an'  still  further 
more,  I  don't  like  your  face;  an'  one  other  furthermore  — 
the  longer  I  look  at  you  the  madder  I  get!  My  advice  to 
you,  an'  I  give  it  in  the  name  o'  peace  an'  sobriety,  an'  be 
cause  the'  's  a  lady  present,  is  to  start  right  now  to  a  more 
salubrious  climate  —  you  an'  your  knee-gun  an'  your  black 
lies  an'  your  marked  decks.  Do  you  hear  what  I  say  ?  Are 
you  goin'  to  go  ?  " 

I  was  surely  losin'  my  temper;  the'  was  a  blood  taste  in 
my  throat,  an'  when  I  asked  him  the  question  I  kicked  him 
gently  in  the  chest,  just  to  let  him  know  'at  I  was  ready  for 
his  verdict. 

He  was  a  coward.  He  just  hunched  himself  away  from 
me  on  his  back  an'  whined  somethin'  about  only  tryin'  to 
show  us  the  truth  an'  not  wantin'  any  trouble,  an'  a  lot  o' 
such  foolishness ;  but  I  soon  wearied  of  it,  an'  grabbed  him 
by  the  collar  an'  yanked  him  to  his  feet,  an'  sez,  "  Now 
answer  me  one  question  —  who  told  you  that  Dick  was 
here?" 

"  Bill  Andrews,"  he  sez ;  an'  I  opened  the  door  an'  kicked 
him  through  it;  but  in  a  minute  back  he  comes,  cringin' 
like  a  cur.  "  Don't  send  me  away  until  after  I  see  what 
direction  Silver  takes,"  he  whimpered.  "  He  never  forgives  ; 
he  '11  kill  me  if  he  sees  me ;  let  me  stay  until  after  he  starts." 

I  laughed.  "  Why,  you  fool  you,"  I  sez,  "  if  he  should 
happen  to  ruin  you  beyond  repair  you  don't  imagine  any  one 
would  put  on  mournin'  do  ya?  But  if  it's  goin'  to  make 
your  mind  any  easier  I  stand  ready  to  give  you  a  written 

18 


274  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

guarantee  'at  he  won't  use  any  knee-gun  to  do  it  with.  Now 
you  get ;  I  'm  strainin'  myself  to  keep  from  spoilin'  you  on 
my  own  hook." 

I  was  in  an  advanced  state  of  bein'  exasperated,  an'  I 
walked  up  to  him  intendin'  to  brand  him  a  few  with  the  butt 
of  his  own  gun,  when  Barbie  spoke  low  an'  cold,  but  in  a 
voice  fairly  jagged  with  scorn :  "  Let  the  creature  alone ; 
I  don't  want  Dick  to  soil  his  boots."  Barbie's  voice  had  lost 
its  college  finish,  an'  she  was  in  the  mood  to  do  a  little 
shootin'  herself  just  then. 

Dick  finished  his  packin'  in  short  order,  an*  went  out  an' 
saddled  his  pony  an'  rode  away  toward  Danders  an'  Lar- 
amie.  We  all  set  like  corpse-watchers  for  half  an  hour 
longer,  an'  then  Jabez  straightened  up  an'  sez  to  Piker: 
"  Take  your  money  out  o'  that  pot  an'  never  get  caught  in 
this  neighborhood  again.  Your  partner  started  toward 
Laramie ;  when  you  see  him  tell  him  I  '11  send  the  full 
amount  o'  the  pot  to  him  as  soon  as  he  sends  me  his  address. 
You  can  also  tell  him  that  I  '11  kill  him  if  he  ever  sets  foot 
on  this  ranch  again." 

Barbie  was  standin'  at  the  window  lookin'  out  into  the 
moonlight  which  had  swallered  up  the  best  part  of  her  world. 
When  Jabez  finished  speakin'  she  turned  around  an'  looked 
at  Piker.  "  I  can't  figger  out  just  whose  dog-robber  you 
are,"  she  sez ;  "  but  next  time  you  go  gunnin'  for  Silver 
Dick  —  you  better  take  the  whole  gang  with  you." 

It  fair  hurt  me  to  see  Barbie's  face,  so  hard  it  was  an'  so 
different  from  the  real  Barbie;  but  it  warmed  my  heart  to 
hear  the  way  she  made  that  Silver  Dick  ring  out.  Oh,  she 
was  a  thoroughbred  every  inch  of  her,  that  girl  was.  Piker 
did  n't  say  a  word ;  he  just  picked  up  his  coin  an'  walked 
out  o'  the  room,  an'  I  raised  up  the  window  an'  drew  a  deep 


Cast  Steel  Judson 


CASTSTEEL  275 

breath.  The  blame  pole-cat  had  managed  to  slip  out  an* 
saddle  his  pony  about  supper  time,  an'  in  a  second  he  dashed 
away  toward  Webb  Station,  mighty  thankful  in  his  nasty 
little  heart  that  he  was  n't  bound  for  hell,  where  he  rightly 
belonged. 

"  Did  you  ever  know  Dick  before  he  came  here,  Happy?  " 
asked  Barbie. 

"  I  swear  to  heaven  that  I  never  knew  that  our  Dick  was 
Silver  Dick  until  this  very  night,"  sez  I ;  "  but  I  'd  be  will 
ing  to  stake  my  life  on  his  word,  an'  I  'd  take  it  again  the 
word  of  any  other  livin'  man  —  bar  none." 

"  Thank  you,  Happy.  Good-night."  She  held  her  head 
high  as  she  walked  out  o'  the  room;  but  I  knew  that  livin' 
serpents  was  tearin'  at  her  heart. 

Ol'  Cast  Steel  sat  for  an  hour,  his  chin  on  his  hands  an* 
his  elbows  on  the  table,  lookin'  at  the  pile  of  money  an* 
checks  on  the  table  before  him. 

"  Gold,  gold,  gold !  "  he  mutters  at  last ;  "  it  builds  the 
churches  an'  the  schoolhouses  an'  the  homes;  an'  it  fills 
the  jails  and  the  insane  asylums  an'  hell  itself.  It  drives 
brother  to  murder  brother,  an'  neither  love  nor  friendship 
is  proof  against  its  curse.  It  starves  those  who  scorn  it, 
while  those  who  pay  out  their  souls  for  it  find  themselves 
sinking,  sinking,  sinking  in  its  hideous  quicksand  until  at 
last  it  closes  above  their  mad  screams.  God !  if  I  only  had 
my  life  to  live  over !  " 

That  was  just  the  way  he  said  it,  deep  an'  hoarse  an'  com 
ing  between  his  set  teeth ;  an'  I  felt  the  hair  raisin'  on  my 
head.  He  looked  like  a  lost  soul,  an'  the  whites  of  his  eyes 
showed  in  ghastly  rings  around  the  pupils. 

"  You  take  this  rubbish,  Happy,"  sez  he,  turnin'  on  me. 
"  You  're  too  much  like  the  birds  an'  the  beasts  for  it  to  ever 


276  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

injure  you.  Take  it  an'  spend  it  —  drink  it,  throw  it  away, 
burn  it  up,  destroy  it,  an'  when  it  is  gone  come  back  here  an' 
live  in  the  open  again  an'  you  '11  never  be  far  from  the  spirit 
of  God." 

Well,  I  knew  it  was  ol'  Cast  Steel  who  was  speakin',  but 
it  was  mighty  hard  to  believe  it.  "  I  don't  mean  no  disre 
spect  to  you,  Jabez,"  I  sez,  edgin'  toward  the  door,  "but 
I  '11  see  you  damned  first."  An'  I  slid  outside  an'  straddled 
a  pony  an'  rode  till  the  dawn  wind  blew  all  the  fever  out  of 
me  an'  let  the  sunshine  in. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-FOUR 

FEMININE    LOGIC 

WELL,  the  Diamond  Dot  was  sure  a  dismal  dump  after  that. 
Every  one  had  liked  Dick ;  but  they  did  n't  know  how  much 
until  he  was  snuffed  out  like  the  flame  of  a  candle.  The 
or  man  had  me  make  a  stagger  at  fillin'  Dick's  shoes;  but 
it  was  n't  what  a  truthful  man  would  call  a  coal-ossal  suc 
cess.  Dick  had  left  a  lot  of  directions,  tellin'  how  to  judge 
the  markets  an'  how  to  make  improvements  without  feelin' 
the  cost,  an'  a  dozen  other  things  that  I  had  allus  supposed 
was  simply  a  mixture  o'  luck  an'  Providence ;  but  it  was  n't 
in  my  line  to  figger  things  out  on  paper.  Give  me  the  actual 
cattle  an'  I  could  nurse  'em  along  through  sand-storm  an* 
blizzard,  an'  round  'em  up  in  the  President's  back  yard ;  but 
at  that  time  they  did  n't  signify  much  to  me  when  they  was 
corraled  up  on  a  sheet  of  paper.  When  it  came  to  action 
I  was  as  prepossessed  as  a  clerk  at  a  pie  counter;  but  I 
did  n't  have  the  slightest  symptom  of  what  they  call  the 
legal  mind. 

The'  would  n't  much  'a'  come  of  it ;  but  one  day  Barbie 
4,'ame  out  of  her  daze  an'  walked  into  the  office  where  I  was 
sweatin'  over  some  of  Dick's  prognostications,  stuck  a  pencil 
behind  her  ear,  an'  waded  into  'em ;  an'  from  that  on  I  took 
-off  my  hat  to  a  college  edication.  Dick  may  have  been  on 
the  queer  all  right,  but  he  was  smooth  enough  to  hide  it. 
Anyhow,  ol'  man  Judson's  bank  account  was  a  heap 
plumper  'n  it  was  when  Dick  had  his  first  whack  at  it,  an' 
Dick  had  drawn  a  mighty  stately  salery  himself.  But  he 


2jS  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

earned  it,  for  the  ranch  was  in  strictly  modern  order  an* 
runnin'  on  a  passenger  schedule. 

It  allus  gave  me  a  hurtin'  in  the  chest  to  see  either  Barbie 
or  the  ol'  man  himself  those  days.  The'  was  a  set  look  in 
Barbie's  eyes ;  cold  an'  unflinchin'  an'  defiant.  I  once  saw 
the  same  expression  in  the  eyes  of  a  trapped  mountain  lion. 
The  ol'  man's  face  was  all  plowed  up  too.  He  reminded  me 
of  an  Injun  up  to  Fort  Bridger.  A  Shoshone  he  was  from 
the  Wind  River  country,  an'  he  had  the  look  of  an  eagle; 
but  he  got  a  holt  of  some  alcohol  an'  upset  a  kettle  o'  boilin7 
grease  on  himself.  He  lived  for  eight  days  with  part  of  his 
bones  stickin'  through,  but  never  givin'  a  groan ;  an'  I  ain't 
got  the  look  of  his  face  out  o'  my  system  yet.  Jabez  re 
minded  me  of  it  a  heap ;  an'  he  was  just  about  as  noisy  over 
it  too.  I  never  supposed  that  the  Diamond  Dot  could  get 
to  lookin'  so  much  like  a  desert  island  to  me.  I  got  to 
feelin'  like  one  who  had  been  sent  up  for  life,  an'  I  would 
sure  have  made  a  break  for  freedom  if  it  hadn't  been  for 
the  little  girl.  I  could  n't  bear  to  leave  her. 

One  of  the  saddest  things  I  ever  see  in  my  whole  life  was 
the  difference  between  the  way  she  an'  Jabez  acted  an'  the 
way  they  used  to.  I  've  heard  preachers  beseech  their  vic 
tims  to  live  in  peace  an'  harmony  together,  an'  not  to  quar 
rel  or  complain ;  an'  right  at  the  time  it  did  n't  sound  so 
empty  an'  mockish ;  but  when  you  come  to  boil  it  down  the' 
ain't  nothin'  in  that  theory.  Why,  I  'd  seen  the  ol'  man  hunt 
Barbie  all  forenoon  just  to  pick  a  quarrel  with  her ;  an'  they 
would  fuss  an'  stew  an'  revile  each  other  an'  keep  it  up  all 
through  dinner;  an'  then  go  off  in  the  afternoon  an'  scrap 
from  wire  to  wire;  but  they  was  enjoyin'  themselves  fine, 
an'  addin'  to  their  stock  of  what  is  called  mutual  respect. 
Every  time  one  of  'em  would  land  it  would  cheer  him  up  an* 


FEMININE    LOGIC  279 

put  the  other  one  on  his  mettle;  an'  they  certainly  did  get 
more  comfort  an'  brotherly  love  out  of  it  than  most  folks 
does  out  of  a  prayer-meetin' ;  but  after  Dick  went  away  the' 
wasn't  no  more  quarrels.  No,  they  was  as  differential  as 
a  pair  of  Japanese  ambassadors;  an'  she  never  called  him 
Dad  again  —  never  once!  an'  I  could  see  him  a-hungerin* 
for  it  with  the  look  in  his  eyes  a  young  cow  has  when  she 
is  huntin'  for  the  little  wet  calf  the  coyotes  has  beat  her  to. 
It  was  allus,  "  Yes,  sir,"  or  "  No,  sir,"  until  I  could  almost 
hear  the  ol'  man's  heart  a-breakin'  in  his  breast. 

She  never  complained  none,  Barbie  did  n't.  She  plowed 
through  her  work  as  though  it  was  goin'  to  bring  him  back 
to  her ;  an'  when  she  could  n't  think  of  anything  else  to  do 
she  would  tramp  off  to  the  hills  or  ride  like  the  wind  over 
the  roughest  roads  she  could  find.  Time  an'  again  she 
would  n't  be  able  to  sleep,  but  would  steal  out  o'  the  house, 
an'  we  could  hear  her  guitar  sobbin'  an'  wailin  off  in  the 
night;  but  if  Barbie  herself  ever  shed  a  tear  it  never  left 
a  mark  on  her  cheek  nor  put  a  glaze  to  her  eye. 

The'  was  one  knoll  not  far  from  the  house  which  com 
manded  the  view  a  long  way  toward  Danders  in  one  direc 
tion,  an'  a  long  way  toward  Webb  Station  in  another,  an' 
she  spent  about  ten  minutes  each  evenin'  on  this  knoll.  Oh, 
it  used  to  hurt,  it  used  to  hurt,  to  see  that  purty  little  light- 
hearted  creature  makin'  her  fight  all  alone,  an'  never  lettin' 
another  livin'  bein'  come  within  hailin'  distance.  At  times  it 
was  all  I  could  do  to  keep  from  goin'  gunnin'  for  Dick 
myself. 

Once  she  sez  to  me,  "  Happy,  if  any  mail  comes  to  me  I 
want  to  get  it  myself,  an'  I  want  you  to  see  that  I  do  get  it." 

"  Barbie,"  sez  I,  "  as  far  as  my  feeble  power  goes  you  '11 
get  your  mail ;  an'  if  it  happens  to  involve  any  other  male 


280  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

—  why,  from  this  on,  I  'm  under  your  orders."  She  was 
grateful  all  right,  an'  tried  to  smile,  but  it  was  a  purty  suc 
cessful  failure. 

Soon  the  winter  settled  down  an'  the  snow  blotted  out  the 
trails,  but  she  never  heard  from  him.  The  ol'  man  had 
wrote  to  the  postmaster  at  Laramie,  an'  he  had  answered 
that  Dick  had  allus  played  fair  accordin'  to  the  best  o'  his 
belief.  He  went  on  to  say  that  Dick  was  generally  counted 
about  the  best  citizen  they  had;  but  that  after  he  had  shot 
Big  Brown  he  had  pulled  out  an'  no  one  knew  where  he  was. 
He  said  'at  Brown  had  n't  died,  which  was  a  cause  for 
sorrow  to  the  whole  town.  He  also  said  that  Denton  would 
be  a  disgrace  to  coyote  parents.  He  furthermore  went  on 
to  state  that  Dick  still  owned  quite  a  little  property  in  Lar 
amie.  The  old  man  showed  me  an'  Barbie  the  letter;  but 
it  did  n't  help  much. 

When  Thanksgivin'  hove  in  sight  the  ol'  man  dug  up  a 
bottle  o'  whiskey,  an'  put  on  a  few  ruffles  to  sort  o'  stiffen 
up  his  back ;  an'  one  day  after  dinner  he  sez  to  Barbie, 
"  Now  you  just  stay  settin'."  She  was  in  the  habit  of  esti- 
matin'  just  how  little  nurishment  it  would  take  to  run  her 
to  the  next  feed,  gettin'  it  into  her  in  the  shortest  possible 
time,  an'  then  makin'  a  streak  for  it. 

"  Now,  little  girl,"  sez  Jabez,  tryin'  to  look  joyous  an'  free 
from  care,  "  you  are  leadin'  too  sober  a  life.  I  want  to  see 
you  happy  again.  I  want  to  see  you  laughin'  about  the 
house,  like  you  used  to.  Can't  you  sort  o'  liven  up  a  little  ?  " 

"  I  might,"  sez  she,  with  the  first  sneer  I  ever  see  her  use 
on  the  ol'  man,  "  I  might,  if  you  'd  give  me  the  rest  o'  the 
bottle  you  got  your  own  gaiety  out  of." 

Cast  Steel's  face  turned  as  red  as  a  brick,  an'  his  fist 
doubled  up.  "  That 's  a  sample  o'  your  idee  of  respect,  is 


FEMININE    LOGIC  281 

it?  You're  gettin'  too  infernal  biggoty.  Now  you  pay 
attention.  I  want  to  have  a  little  gatherin'  here  Thanks- 
givin'.  Will  you,  or  will  you  not,  see  that  the  arrangements 
are  attended  to  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  sez  Barbie,  lookin'  down  at  her  plate.  "  How 
many  guests  will  the'  be  ?  " 

"  Well,  how  can  I  tell  ?  "  sez  Jabez.  "  Can  you  get  ready 
for  twenty  ?  " 

11  Yes,  sir,"  answers  Barbie,  never  liftin'  her  eyes. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  yes,  sir ;  yes,  sir !  "  yells  the  ol'  man.  "  I  get 
everlastin'  tired  o'  your  '  yes,  sirs.'  Am  I  or  am  I  not  your 
ol'  Dad?" 

"If  you  prefer,  I  can  call  you  father,"  sez  she,  like  she 
was  talkin'  to  the  moon  through  a  telephone.  "  Dad  is  not 
correct  English ;  it  is  a  kalowquism." 

This  was  allus  like  a  pail  o'  water  to  the  ol'  man.  Nothin' 
stung  him  any  worse  than  to  have  her  peel  a  couple  o'  layers 
off  her  edication  an'  chuck  'em  at  him. 

"  Do  you  know  what  is  apt  to  happen  if  you  keep  on  pes- 
terin'  me?  "  he  sez,  glarin'  at  her.  "  Do  you  think  'at  you  're 
too  big  to  be  whipped  ?  " 

She  raised  her  eyes  an'  looked  at  him  then.  Poor  feller, 
he  could  'a'  torn  his  tongue  out  by  the  roots  the  minute  it 
was  guilty  o'  that  fool  speech;  but  she  didn't  spare  him. 
She  let  him  have  the  full  effect  o'  that  look,  an'  he  seemed 
to  shrivel  up.  "  I  reckon  you  're  big  enough  to  whip  me  — 
once,"  she  said ;  "  but  I  'm  of  age,  an'  I  'm  mighty  sure  'at 
that  would  be  the  finishin'  touch  'at  would  break  the  bonds 
what  seem  to  hold  me  to  this  house.  I  probably  have  bad 
blood  o'  some  kind  in  me ;  but  I  'm  not  so  ill-favored  but 
what  I  can  find  a  man  to  go  along  with  me  when  I  do  con 
clude  to  go." 


282  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

She  looked  at  me,  an'  the  ol'  man  looked  at  me,  an'  I  felt 
like  a  red-hot  stove;  but  I  straightened  back  in  my  chair, 
an'  I  cleared  my  throat.  "  I  ain't  no  mind-reader,"  sez  I, 
"  but  I  'm  bettin'  on  that  same  card." 

The  ol'  man  could  n't  think  up  a  come-back ;  so  in  about 
a  minute  he  pushed  back  his  chair,  upsettin'  it  an'  lettin'  it 
lay  where  it  fell.  He  went  up  to  his  room,  slammin'  the 
door  after  him,  an'  Barbie  got  out  a  pony  an'  galloped  off 
to  the  hills. 

But  the  ol'  man  had  n't  give  up  his  project.  He  opened  it 
again,  an'  was  mighty  crafty  in  the  way  he  handled  it,  until 
finally  he  engineered  it  through.  The'  was  purt'  nigh  forty 
of  'em  who  arrived  t®  make  merry  over  Thanksgivin'.  Some 
of  'em  came  the  day  before,  an'  some  of  'em  two  days 
before,  an'  some  didn't  arrive  till  the  day  itself,  'cause  they 
had  lived  such  a  ways.  The'  was  four  women  an'  three  un 
married  ladies,  countin'  Miss  Wiggins,  the  Spike  Crick 
schoolmarm,  who  was  a  friendly  little  thing,  though  a 
shade  too  coltish  for  her  years.  Most  o'  the  men  was  still 
liable  to  matrimony. 

Jabez  had  an  idee  in  his  head,  an'  it  did  n't  take  no  ferret 
to  nose  it  out,  neither.  He  was  extra  cordial  to  the  store 
keeper  from  Webb  Station,  an'  a  young  Englishman  by  the 
name  o'  Hawthorn,  finally  settlin'  down  to  Hawthorn  an' 
playin'  him  wide  open.  We  had  a  mighty  sociable  time,  an' 
whenever  we  was  n't  eatin'  we  played  games.  Barbie  did 
just  exactly  what  ol'  Cast  Steel  played  her  to  do.  She  was 
too  red-blooded  to  let  an  outsider  see  'at  she  'd  been  bad 
hurt;  so  she  brazened  up  an'  laughed  an'  danced  an'  sang, 
an'  showed  'em  games  they  had  n't  never  dreamt  of  before. 

Most  of  'em  went  home  by  Sunday  night,  but  Hawthorn 
was  prevailed  upon  to  stay  a  week  longer.  He  had  a  little 


FEMININE    LOGIC  283 

ranch  up  in  the  hills,  an'  seemed  a  well-meanin'  sort  of  a 
feller,  but  slow.  He  belonged  to  the  show-me  club,  an'  had 
all  his  facical  muscles  spiked  fast  for  fear  they  'd  come  loose 
an'  grin  before  he  saw  the  point  himself. 

Barbie  see  through  the  ol'  man's  lead,  an'  she  took  her 
revenge  out  on  Hawthorn.  She  would  lean  forward  an' 
hold  his  eye,  an'  say,  in  the  sweetest  voice  you  ever  heard, 
"  Oh,  Mr.  Hawthorn,  I  want  to  tell  you  somethin'  that  hap 
pened  at  school ; "  an'  then  she  would  start  in  an'  tell  some 
long-winded  tale  'at  did  n't  have  no  more  point  than  a  mush 
room,  an'  as  she  told  along  she  would  call  his  attention  to 
certain  details  as  though  they  was  goin'  to  rigger  in  at  the 
wind-up.  When  she  would  reach  the  end  she  would  break 
out  in  a  peal  o'  spontunious  laughter;  while  he  would  look 
as  if  he  had  been  lost  in  the  heart  of  a  great  city  without 
his  name-plate  on.  Still,  he  had  a  certain  breedy  look  about 
him,  an'  before  the  week  was  up  she  grew  ashamed  of  her 
self  an'  showed  him  a  good  time. 

He  was  one  o'  these  sad  ones  —  sentimental  an'  romantic, 
with  a  bad  case  o'  chronic  lonesomeness ;  an'  one  twilight 
he  told  her  a  pathetic  little  love  story  about  a  girl  back  in 
England  what  had  had  sense  enough  to  cut  him  out  of  her 
assets  when  he  had  trooped  over  to  this  country  to  punch 
a  fortune  out  o'  beef  cattle.  This  had  been  about  five  years 
previous;  but  his  heart  still  ached  about  it  —  though  it 
had  n't  cut  his  appetite  so  you  could  notice.  She  treated 
him  mighty  gentle  after  this,  an'  when  he  started  to  ride 
away  Jabez  had  the  look  of  a  man  what  had  filled  his  hand. 

In  about  a  week  he  came  over  an'  stayed  for  a  couple  o' 
days,  an'  he  showed  up  at  Christmas  too;  an'  about  once 
a  week  after  that  he  'd  drop  in  an'  stay  four  or  five  days. 
Early  in  March  he  paid  a  visit  to  his  own  ranch  to  ready 


284  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

things  up  for  spring,  an'  the  day  after  he  was  gone  Jabez 
sez  to  Barbie  at  dinner,  "  Now,  Mr  Hawthorn  is  a  gentle 
man.  He  asked  me  for  the  honor  of  winnin'  your  hand  in 
holy  wedlock ;  an'  I  have  give  my  consent." 

Barbie  went  along  eatin'  her  meal,  an'  purty  soon  Jabez 
sez,  "  Well,  did  you  hear  what  I  had  to  say  ?  " 

"  Why,  certainly  I  did,"  sez  Barbie,  calmly. 

"  Wrhat  have  you  got  to  say  about  it  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Oh,  nothin'  in  particular,"  sez  she.  "  It  was  very  polite 
in  him  to  ask,  an'  very  kind  in  you  to  give  your  consent ;  but 
I  can't  see  as  it  interests  me  much.  I  can't  see  that  he  has 
any  show  of  winnin'  the  hand.  I  promised  that  once,  an' 
I  ain't  never  got  the  promise  back." 

"Yes,"  snaps  Jabez,  "an'  who  did  you  promise  it  to? 
To  a  sneak  who  did  n't  care  a  pin  for  you  but  was  only  after 
my  money.  If  he  was  honest  why  did  n't  he  ask  me,  the 
same  as  Hawthorn  did  ?  " 

"Of  course  I  can't  tell  for  sure,"  sez  she,  without  raisin' 
her  voice  or  changin'  her  expression,  "  but  I  thought  at  the 
time  that  it  was  the  hand  itself  he  wanted,  an'  not  merely 
permission  to  set  an'  wish  for  it.  In  this  life  a  man  gener 
ally  gets  what  he  asks  for.  Dick  got  the  hand." 

"  Seems  to  set  a  heap  o'  store  by  it,"  sez  the  ol'  man, 
edgin'  up  his  voice  cruel  an'  tantalizin'.  "  Where 's  this 
Dick  now;  when  did  you  last  hear  from  this  winner  of 
hands?" 

It  was  a  fierce  stab,  an'  Barbie  went  white  as  a  sheet ;  but 
she  faced  him  cool  an'  steady.  "  I  ain't  never  heard  from 
him  since  the  day  he  left;  but  I  trust  him  just  the  same. 
The  hand  will  be  his  when  he  chooses  to  claim  it ;  or  if  he 
never  comes  back  at  all  —  why  the  hand  will  still  be  his." 

Cast  Steel  got  on  his  hind  legs  an'  struck  the  table  till 


FEMININE    LOGIC  285 

every  dish  en  it  jumped,  an'  I  rose  a  bit  myself ;  but  Barbie 
only  curled  her  little  red  lip.  "  Curse  him,"  sez  the  ol'  man, 
"  curse  him,  wherever  he  is  an'  wherever  he  goes.  He 
has  ruined  my  life  an'  he  has  ruined  yours ;  an'  if  he  ever 
steps  foot  on  this  ranch  again,  I  '11  —  " 

"  Stop !  "  sez  Barbie,  springin'  to  her  feet.  "  You  give 
me  more  sadness  every  day  I  live  than  Dick  has  altogether ; 
but  for  pity's  sake  don't  bind  yourself  by  a  threat.  Wait 
till  he  comes  back,  an'  be  free  to  meet  him  like  a  man,  not 
like  a  thug  pledged  to  murder." 

"  What  do  you  know  about  him  ?  "  sez  the  ol'  man,  sittin' 
down.  "  For  all  you  know,  he  may  be  robbin'  trains  for  a 
livin'.  It  would  be  right  in  his  line." 

"  For  all  I  know,  robbin'  trains  was  where  you  got  your 
start,"  sez  Barbie;  an'  the  ol'  man's  face  turned  gray  an* 
his  eyes  stuck  out  like  picture  nails.  He  was  n't  used  to 
gettin'  it  quite  so  unpolluted,  an'  it  gave  him  a  nasty  jar. 

"  How  do  you  know  'at  he  ain't  livin'  with  the  woman 
he  kept  over  at  Laramie  ?  "  sez  Jabez,  tryin'  to  get  the  whip 
hand  again.  "  How  do  you  know  he  ain't  married  ?  " 

"  An'  how  do  I  know  'at  you  ever  was  married  —  "  she 
stopped  short,  bitin'  her  lip  an'  turnin'  red  with  shame.  "  I 
know  it 's  well  nigh  hopeless  to  plead  with  a  natural  bully," 
she  sez  in  a  new  tone ;  "  but  I  do  wish  'at  you  'd  let  me 
alone.  You  're  destroyin'  my  respect  for  everything.  I 
can't  stand  this  much  longer.  If  I  can't  live  here  in  peace 
I  '11  have  to  hunt  a  new  place  to  live ;  but  as  long  as  I  do 
stay  here  you  will  have  to  act  like  a  man  —  even  if  you 
can't  act  like  a  father.  I  think  that  in  the  future  I  shall 
take  my  meals  alone." 

"  I  do  want  to  act  like  a  father,  little  girl.  That 's  what 
I  want  most  of  all.  If  you  would  only  go  back  to  the  old 


286  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

times,  if  you  would  only  get  this  sneak  out  of  your  head  " 
—  Jabez  had  started  in  gentle  an'  repentent,  but  the  minute 
he  thought  of  Dick  again  he  flared  out  white  with  rage  — 
"  an'  you  might  just  as  well  get  him  out  of  your  head,  'cause 
he  's  the  same  as  dead  to  you.  I  hate  him !  I  hate  every 
sneak ;  an'  I  hate  every  lie  —  spoken  or  lived,  I  hate  a  lie !  " 

The  olj  man  leaned  forward,  shaking  with  anger,  an' 
Barbie  got  up  like  a  queen  an'  walked  out  o'  the  room  as 
though  she  was  steppin'  on  the  necks  of  the  airy-stockracy. 
She  went  to  the  office,  an'  after  a  couple  o'  minutes  I  follered 
her,  expectin'  to  cheer  her  up  a  bit ;  but  she  was  n't  mournin' 
none;  she  was  workin'  like  a  steam  engine,  with  her  face 
cold  an'  white  except  for  a  little  patch  o'  red  in  each  cheek ; 
an'  when  she  raised  her  eyes  to  mine  I  knew  'at  the  ol'  man 
had  gone  a  link  too  far. 

After  me  and  Barbie  had  taken  up  Dick's  work  we  had 
divided  his  wages,  an'  she  had  a  nice  little  roll  of  her  own 
corded  away.  I  did  n't  ask  no  questions,  but  it  was  plain  as 
day  that  she  had  jerked  up  her  tie-rope;  an'  the  next  time 
Cast  Steel  used  the  spurs  he  was  goin'  to  be  dumped  off  an' 
she  was  goin'  to  hit  the  trail  for  Never-again.  I  did  n't 
blame  her  a  mite ;  an'  though  I  did  n't  pester  her  with 
queries  nor  smother  her  with  advice  nor  sicken  her  with 
consolation  nor  madden  her  with  pity,  I  did  give  her  the 
man-to-man  look,  an'  she  knew  'at  all  she  had  to  do  was 
to  issue  orders. 

It  was  that  very  afternoon  that  she  started  to  correctin'  my 
talk  an'  stimulatin'  my  ambition,  an'  tellin'  me  about  it  never 
bein'  too  late  to  mend ;  an'  while  I  could  n't  quite  decide 
just  what  she  was  drivin'  at  I  saw  that  when  she  found  she 
couldn't  trust  her  cinches  any  longer  we  was  both  goin' 
to  jump  together.  About  five  o'clock  she  put  her  hand  on 


FEMININE    LOGIC  287 

my  shoulder  an'  sez :  "  We  've  been  mighty  good  pals, 
Happy  Hawkins ;  an'  while  you  ain't  parlor-broke  nor  city- 
wise,  any  time  'at  anybody  counts  on  you  they  don't  have  to 
count  over." 

She  walked  softly  out  o'  the  office,  an'  I  sat  until  it  was 
long  after  dark.  I  couldn't  believe  'at  she  was  desperate 
enough  to  marry  me;  I  could  see  the  gulf  between  us 
plain  enough,  an'  the  higher  you  are  the  plainer  you  can 
see  the  difference;  but  I  could  see  that  unless  Jabez 
changed  his  ways,  why,  the  oldest  man  the'  was  couldn't 
tell  how  far  Barbie  would  go.  I  did  n't  think  a  bit  of  my 
self,  I  can  say  that  much ;  all  I  looked  at  was  what  would 
make  her  the  happiest,  an'  she  was  welcome  to  take  my  life 
any  way  she  wanted.  If  she  chose  to  drag  it  out  for  fifty 
years,  or  if  she  selected  that  I  cash  it  in  the  next  hour, 
my  only  regret  would  be  that  I  hadn't  but  one  life  to 
give  her. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-FIVE 

THE   WAYS   OF    WOMANKIND 

THINGS  went  along  purty  much  the  same  after  that;  but  I 
could  see  'at  the  ol'  man  sensed  a  new  tone  in  things,  an' 
he  begun  to  look  agey.  He  was  still  gallin'  on  Barbie,  but 
I  could  n't  help  but  feel  mighty  sorry  for  him.  He  had 
paid  all  them  years  'at  she  was  away  at  school,  out  o'  the 
joy  of  his  own  heart,  lookin'  for  his  pay  in  the  time  when 
she  'd  come  back  an'  be  his  chum  again,  an'  here  they  was 
with  a  wall  of  ice  between  'em  an'  nairy  a  lovin'  glance  to 
melt  it  down. 

The'  come  a  warm  spell  toward  the  last  o'  the  month ;  an' 
one  evenin'  just  as  we  was  finishin'  supper  we  heard  a  cry 
o'  distress  in  a  man's  voice  —  an'  the  cry  sounded  like 
"  Barbie !  "  I  reckon  all  our  hearts  stood  still,  an'  I  reckon 
we  all  thought  exactly  the  same  thing.  In  about  a  minute 
the  cry  came  again,  an'  the  ol'  man  jumped  to  his  feet  an' 
pulled  his  gun.  "  If  that 's  Silver  Dick,"  sez  he,  "  I  '11  kill 
him." 

Barbie  had  also  sprung  up,  an'  she  looked  him  square  in 
the  eyes.  "  If  you  harm  a  hair  of  his  head  I  '11  —  I  '11  do 
some  shootin'  myself." 

She  pulled  a  little  gun  out  of  her  bosom,  an'  we  all  stood 
quiet  for  a  moment.  It  was  easy  to  see  'at  she  was  n't 
bluffin' ;  but  I  'm  purty  sure  that  Jabez  an'  I  had  different 
idees  as  to  what  she  meant.  Jabez  thought  she  meant  him 
self  ;  but  he  had  n't  got  the  name  o'  Cast  Steel  for  nothin', 
an'  a  sort  of  a  grim  smile  crept  onto  his  face.  We  stood 


THE    WAYS    OF    WOMANKIND     289 

still  for  a  moment,  an'  then  we  went  out  together,  an' 
before  long  we  heard  the  sound  again  —  a  long,  waverin', 
ghostly,  call  in  the  gatherin'  twilight. 

We  hurried  along,  an'  purty  soon  we  saw  a  man  lyin' 
across  the  trail.  The  ol'  man  held  his  gun  in  his  hand,  an' 
so  did  Barbie,  while  I  walked  a  step  behind  doin'  a  heap  o' 
thinkin'.  If  the  ol'  man  killed  Dick,  Barbie  would  shoot 
herself ;  if  any  one  stopped  the  ol'  man  that  one  would  take 
on  weight  exceedin'  fast,  unless  he  crippled  the  ol'  man  first. 
I  finally  made  up  my  mind  that  I  would  try  to  overpower 
the  ol'  man  without  hurtin'  him,  an'  ol'  Cast  Steel  was  built 
like  a  grizzly.  I  did  n't  enjoy  that  walk  as  much  as  some 
I  Ve  took.  When  we  got  close  to  the  figger  lyin'  in  the 
trail  we  all  walked  a  little  crouchy.  It  looked  quite  a  little 
like  Dick ;  but  when  we  saw  it  was  n't  nothin'  but  that  fool 
Hawthorn  with  a  busted  leg,  we  three  looked  like  the  recep 
tion  committee  of  the  Foolish  Society. 

I  hustled  back  an'  got  Hanson  an'  a  couple  o'  the  boys 
and  an  ol'  door,  an'  we  fetched  him  home  an'  put  him  to  bed 
an'  sent  for  the  doctor  —  an'  that  was  the  worst  luck  that 
ever  happened  to  ol'  Dick.  You  know  how  a  woman  is  with 
anything  hurt  or  sick ;  they  're  the  same  the  world  over. 
A  right  strickly  wise  married  man  would  have  everything 
broke  except  his  pocket-book,  an'  then  he  'd  be  sure  o'  lots 
of  pettin'.  They  allus  want  to  spoil  a  feller  when  he  's  on 
the  flat  of  his  back.  When  he  's  walkin'  around  on  his  own 
feet  all  he  needs  to  do  is  to  express  a  desire,  an'  they  vetoe 
it  on  general  principles,  an'  after  they  've  talked  themselves 
dry  they  send  out  an'  get  the  preacher  to  finish  the  job ;  but 
when  that  same  vile  speciment  of  masculine  humanity  gets 
some  of  his  runnin'  gear  damaged,  why  they  bed  him  on 
rose  leaves,  feed  him  on  honey,  an',  good  or  bad,  they  give 

19 


290  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

him  whatever  he  wants.  This  particular  feller  wanted  Bar 
bie,  an'  Barbie  was  mighty  gentle  with  him. 

Sometimes  it  seems  to  me  that  the  only  men  who  can 
understand  a  woman  are  the  men  who  work  a  lot  with  the 
dumb  creatures.  Take  an  animal  now,  wild  or  tame,  an' 
it  hates  to  confess  a  weakness;  it'll  just  go  on  head  up  an* 
eyes  flashin'  till  it  drops  in  its  tracks  —  so  will  a  woman. 
Take  the  fiercest  female  animal  the'  is,  an'  it 's  all  mother 
on  the  inside.  Why,  they  're  everlastin'ly  adoptin'  somethin' 
'at  don't  rightly  belong  to  'em.  Sometimes  they  go  to  work 
an'  adopt  a  little  straggler  that  in  a  regular  way  is  their 
daily  food ;  an'  it  ain't  no  step-mother  affair  neither,  it 's 
the  real  thing. 

The  wild  animals  are  the  best  to  study,  'cause  the  tame 
ones  have  been  some  spoiled  by  associatin'  with  man.  Well, 
the  wild  animals  spend  all  their  spare  time  dressin'  up  an' 
cleanin'  their  clothes,  an'  when  it  ain't  absolutely  necessary 
they  hate  to  get  a  toe  wet;  but  when  it  comes  to  love  or 
duty,  why  fire,  water,  nor  the  fear  o'  man  ain't  goin'  to  stop 
'em;  so  again  I  sez  'at  the  man  what  can  savvy  the  wild 
animals  can  get  purty  nigh  within  hailin'  distance  of  a 
woman,  an'  that 's  gettin'  close ;  but  you  want  to  remember 
this,  no  animal  never  tells  the  truth  to  an  outsider.  The  prin 
ciple  part  o'  their  life  is  spent  in  throwin'  folks  off  their 
trail,  an'  they  allus  make  their  lairs  in  the  most  secret  places. 
If  a  feller  ever  gets  to  know  'em  even  a  little  he  has  to  be 
mighty  patient  an'  mighty  careful,  an'  above  all  things,  he 
mustn't  never  get  the  idee  that  he  knows  every  last  thing 
about  'em  the'  is  to  know,  'cause  no  man  never  knows  that. 
Some  men  try  to  estimate  a  woman  by  their  own  earthy 
way  o'  doin'  things.  'T  would  be  just  as  reasonable  for  a 
man  who  was  purty  wise  to  the  ways  of  a  pug-dog  to  get 


THE    WAYS    OF    WOMANKIND    291 

inflated  with  the  idee  that  he  had  a  natural  talent  for  hivin' 
grizzly  bears. 

But  to  get  back  to  my  tale:  this  Englishman  had  fallen 
on  his  feet  all  right,  even  if  the  connection  to  one  of  'em 
was  busted  up  a  bit.  I  was  around  'em  a  good  bit,  bein' 
forced  to  consult  with  Barbie  about  things,  an'  I  was  able 
to  piece  out  the  method  he  was  usin'.  He  was  n't  such  a 
fool  as  he  looked,  by  consid'able  many  rods.  He  talked  a 
heap  about  the  sacrifice  he  had  made  for  the  girl  back  in 
England,  an'  how  much  he  had  loved  her  an'  how  much 
Barbie  had  comforted  him,  although  even  yet  he  could  not 
forget  her.  Once  Barbie  asked  him  what  her  name  was. 
For  a  moment  he  did  n't  answer,  an'  then  he  sez  in  a  low 
voice,  Alice  LeMoyne.  I  lifted  my  face  quick  an'  gave  him 
a  look,  but  he  was  n't  noticin'  me.  I  did  n't  say  anything ; 
but  I  could  n't  help  wonderin'  if  this  Alice  LeMoyne  had 
anything  to  do  with  the  dancer  what  had  married  into  the 
Clarenden  family,  an'  then  died.  It  was  an  odd  name,  but 
still  I  did  n't  reckon  the'  was  a  patent  on  it. 

Finally  I  could  tell  by  their  talk  that  Barbie  had  told  him 
about  Dick,  an'  then  I  knew  the  jig  was  about  up.  He  allus 
spoke  o'  Dick  in  a  gentle,  soothin'  way,  makin'  every  excuse 
for  him ;  an'  this  made  her  think  him  a  noble-minded  feller ! 
an'  the  most  natural  outcome  was  for  'em  to  just  bunch 
their  woes  an'  cling  together  for  comfort.  She  allus  used 
to  sit  by  his  side  in  the  twilight,  singin'  sorrowful  love  songs 
to  him,  an'  once  I  caught  him  holdin'  her  hand.  You  see 
she  was  just  naturally  hungry  for  somethin'  to  pet  an'  care 
for ;  luck  offered  a  spavined  Englishman,  an'  she  was  tryin' 
to  make  the  best  of  it. 

Jabez  savvied  this  to  the  queen's  taste,  an'  he  got  gentle 
an'  lovin'  to  Barbie,  an'  did  all  he  could  to  square  himself; 


292  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

so  that  poor  old  Dick  was  n't  much  more  'n  a  memory, 
which  is  one  o'  the  complications  absence  is  apt  to  cause 
after  it  gets  tired  o'  makin'  the  heart  grow  fonder. 

But  hang  it,  I  did  n't  like  this  Englishman  more  than  the 
law  required.  The'  did  n't  seem  to  be  much  harm  to  him ; 
but  he  had  washy  eyes,  an'  he  was  too  blame  oily  an'  gentle. 
I  never  heard  him  swear  all  through  it,  an'  it  ain't  natural 
for  a  real  man  to  stand  on  his  back  for  eight  weeks  without 
havin'  a  little  molten  lava  slop  over  into  his  conversation. 
It  was  all  I  could  do  to  keep  from  stickin'  a  pin  into  him. 

"  Barbie,"  I  sez  one  day,  as  innocent  as  an  Injun,  "  I  over 
heard  our  honored  guest  tell  you  that  a  girl  by  the  name  of 
Alice  LeMoyne  put  a  crack  in  his  heart  over  the  water." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  with  a  sigh. 

"  It  don't  seem  to  be  a  popular  name,"  sez  I.  "  I  've  met 
lots  o'  women  who  was  n't  called  Alice  LeMoyne." 

"  It  is  probably  French,"  sez  she. 

"  It  does  sound  like  a  circus,  that 's  a  fact,"  sez  I.  "  Well, 
you  break  it  to  him  gently  that  Alice  LeMoyne  is  dead. 
Don't  ask  me  any  questions,  but  do  be  careful  not  to  shock 
him,  he  seems  purty  high  strung." 

You  might  as  well  use  sarcasm  on  a  steer  as  on  a  woman ; 
Barbie  went  up  to  Hawthorn  with  her  eyes  full  o'  pity, 
while  I  waited  below  an'  made  up  pictures  o'  the  crockadile 
tears  he  'd  pump  up  for  her.  All  of  a  sudden  she  gave  a 
shriek.  I  hit  the  stairs,  goin'  forty  miles  an  hour,  an'  there 
was  Barbie  with  her  hands  clasped,  lookin'  down  at  the 
Englishman. 

Well,  he  was  enough  to  make  a  snake  shriek.  He  was 
layin'  there  with  his  head  jerked  back,  his  eyes  wide  open 
an'  pointin'  inwards,  an'  lookin'  altogether  like  the  ancient 
corpse  of  a  strangled  cat.  His  hands  was  doubled  up  tight, 


THE    WAYS    OF    WOMANKIND    293 

an'  the'  was  a  little  froth  on  his  lips.  I  'd  never  seen  nothing 
like  that  before,  so  I  threw  some  water  in  his  face.  That 's 
about  all  the  rule  I  know  for  any  one  who  is  missin'  cogs, 
an'  I  poured  enough  water  on  him  to  please  a  duck.  He 
did  n't  respond  for  some  several  minutes,  an'  when  he  did 
come  out  of  it  he  looked  loose  all  over.  I  helped  Barbie 
get  some  dry  stuff  under  him,  an'  then  I  went  down,  won- 
derin'  what  kind  o'  dynamite  for  him  they  'd  been  in  that 
name  I  'd  sent  up. 

I  tried  to  convince  Barbie  that  his  wires  were  all  mixed 
up  an'  he  was  n't  healthy ;  but  she  argued  that  it  showed  a 
loyal  nature  to  be  so  affected  by  mention  of  his  old  sweet 
heart,  an'  tried  to  pump  me  for  where  I  had  picked  up  the 
name.  It  looked  too  much  like  a  chance  shot  to  me,  as  this 
guy  had  only  been  among  us  a  few  years,  an'  I  gathered 
from  Bill  Hammersly  that  the  Alice  LeMoyne  I  was 
springin'  had  journeyed  on,  some  several  years  earlier. 

But  the  Englishman  continued  to  repose  on  his  bed  o' 
down,  Barbie  read  to  him,  cooked  little  tid-bits  for  him, 
an'  he  opened  up  his  nature  an'  gave  a  new  shine  to  his  eyes ; 
while  Jabez  —  well,  Jabez  was  buoyant  as  a  balloon,  an'  sent 
here  an'  there  for  nick-nacks  an'  jim-cracks  an'  such  like 
luxuries.  He  got  to  callin'  Hawthorn  "  Clarence  "  an'  "  my 
boy,"  an'  kindry  epithets,  till  even  a  casual  stranger  would 
V  knowed  the'  was  a  roarin'  in  the  ol'  man's  head  like  a 
chime  o'  weddin'  bells. 

Hawthorn  was  able  to  crutch  around  a  bit  by  the  first  o' 
May;  it  was  an  early  season,  an'  the'  was  a  great  harvest 
o'  calves  at  the  round-up.  I  was  in  work  up  to  my  eyes, 
an'  sort  o'  lost  track  of  the  doin's  except  when  Barbie  would 
have  the  buckboard  hooked  up  an'  come  out  to  the  brandin' 
ground.  The  weather  was  glorious,  an'  you  could  n't  have 


294  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

blamed  an  Injun  idol  for  fallin'  in  love,  so  I  lost  heart  an' 
was  two-thirds  mad  nine-tenths  o'  the  time. 

Jabez  had  had  a  hard  siege  of  it  an'  it  showed.  His  face 
was  lined,  his  hair  was  white  at  the  temples,  an'  the'  was  a 
wistful  look  in  his  eyes  which  was  mighty  touchy.  Barbie 
was  more  chummy  with  him  too,  an'  they  was  edgin'  back 
to  ol'  times;  but  I  was  darn  glad  to  see  Hawthorn  finally 
admit  that  he  was  sufficiently  recovered  to  drive  over  an' 
see  what  had  become  of  his  own  lay-out. 

The  very  first  meal  that  we  et  alone,  however,  showed 
that  the  old  sore  was  n't  plumb  healed  over  yet.  Jabez 
could  n't  wait  any  longer,  so  he  called  for  a  show-down  as 
soon  as  our  food  began  to  catch  up  with  our  appetite. 
"  Has  Clarence  popped  the  question  yet,  honey?  "  sez  he. 

"  About  twice  a  day  on  the  average,"  sez  Barbie,  chillin' 
up  a  trifle ;  "  but  I  don't  think  he  stands  much  chance.  I 
like  him  an'  he  is  kind  an'  good ;  but  I  don't  reckon  I  could 
ever  marry  him." 

The  ol'  man  did  n't  flare  up,  same  as  he  would  have  once. 
He  just  sat  still,  lookin'  at  his  plate,  an'  that  was  the  hardest 
blow  he  had  ever  struck  her.  She  asked  me  twice  that 
afternoon  if  I  thought  he  was  failin'. 

Next  day  at  dinner  Jabez  finished  his  rations,  an'  then 
leaned  back  an'  looked  lovin'ly  at  Barbie  for  a  minute. 
"  Little  girl,"  he  sez,  "  I  know  'at  you  don't  like  to  hurt  me 
intentional ;  but  you  have  give  me  a  mighty  sight  of  heart 
aches  in  my  time.  I  have  allus  aimed  to  do  what  seemed 
best  for  you,  an'  it  has  generally  been  a  hard  job.  I  have  n't 
complained  much ;  but  I  'm  gettin'  old,  child,  I  'm  gettin' 
old.  It 's  not  for  myself,  Barbie,  it 's  all  for  you,  for  you 
an'  for  —  for  the  mother  you  never  knew ;  but  who  made 
me  promise  to  watch  over  an'  protect  ya.  I  can't  speak 


THE    WAYS     OF    WOMANKIND    295 

of  her,  Barbie;  but  when  I  meet  her  out  yonder  I  want  to 
be  able  to  tell  her  that  as  far  as  I  was  able  I  've  done  my 
part. 

"  This  Dick  has  been  gone  a  year,  an'  never  a  word  to  ya 
to  let  you  know  even  whether  he  's  alive  or  not.  This  ain't 
love,  honey;  he  was  only  after  my  money.  Now  Clarence 
is  honest  an'  open ;  why  can't  you  take  up  with  him,  so  'at 
if  I  'd  be  called  sudden  I  could  go  in  peace.  It  would  mean 
a  lot  to  me  to  see  you  in  good  hands,  honey.  I  'm  afraid  'at 
Dick  '11  wait  until  I  'm  gone,  an'  then  come  snoopin'  around, 
like  a  coyote  sneakin'  into  camp  when  the  hunters  are  away. 
Don't  answer  me  now,  child;  just  think  it  over  careful. 
I  Ve  generally  let  you  have  your  own  way,  but  I  do  wish 
you  'd  give  in  to  me  this  time." 

Was  Jabez  f ailin'  —  was  he  ?  Well,  not  so  you  could 
notice  it !  Course  he  was  n't  quite  so  physically  able  as 
once;  but  I  never  saw  him  put  up  a  toppier  mental  exhibi 
tion  than  he  did  right  then.  Barbie  did  n't  have  a  word  to 
say  that  afternoon  until  about  five  o'clock.  Then  she  sud 
denly  looked  up  from  some  reports  we  was  goin'  over,  an' 
sez,  "  Happy,  if  you  had  gone  away  from  me  like  Dick  did, 
what  would  be  the  only  thing  what  would  have  kept  you 
from  comin'  back  to  me  ?  " 

"  By  God,  nothin'  but  death !  "  sez  I,  without  stoppin'  to 
think. 

The  color  rushed  to  her  cheeks  as  if  I  had  slapped  her; 
an'  then  it  oozed  away,  leavin'  her  white  as  chalk,  while 
I  bit  my  lip  an'  pinched  myself  somethin'  hearty.  I  had 
wanted  to  compliment  her  I  suppose,  if  I  'd  had  any  motive 
at  all ;  but  what  I  had  done,  when  you  come  to  look  it 
square  in  the  teeth,  was  to  ask  her  to  cut  an  ace  out  of  a 
deck  with  nothin'  left  higher  than  a  six  spot.  I  ain't  what 


296  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

you  would  call  inventionative ;  but  I  could  'a'  done  a  blame 
sight  better  'n  that  if  I  'd  taken  the  time  to  think,  instead  o' 
simply  blurtin'  out  the  truth  like  some  fool  amateur. 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  finally,  "  Dick  was  twice  the  man  you 
are,  so  he  must  be  —  dead." 

We  did  n't  say  anything  for  some  time.  Vanity  ain't  like 
a  mill-stone  about  my  neck ;  but  at  the  same  time,  whenever 
any  one  plugs  me  in  the  face  with  an  aged  cabbage,  I  allus 
like  to  make  some  little  acknowledgment.  Of  course  I 
knew  that  she  was  handin'  me  one  for  my  fool  break;  but 
she  did  it  in  cold  blood,  an'  if  it  had  n't  been  for  her  bein' 
so  stewed  up  in  trouble,  I  'd  have  made  her  furnish  some 
specifications  to  back  up  that  remark.  Twice  is  a  good 
many,  but  I  let  it  go. 

She  sat  lost  in  study  for  a  while,  an'  then  said,  mostly 
to  herself,  "  I  reckon  I  might  as  well  take  him  "  —  my  heart 
popped  up  in  my  mouth  till  I  liked  to  have  gagged,  but  she 
went  on  — "  he  's  honest  an'  kind,  an'  he 's  been  true  a 
long  time  to  his  first  love.  I  hope  he  '11  stay  true  to  her 
after  we  're  married ;  I  know  I  '11  stay  true  to  mine  "  —  then 
I  knew  she  meant  that  fool  Englishman.  "  Anyway,  father 
has  been  good  to  me,"  she  continued,  "  an'  I  don't  set 
enough  store  by  my  own  life  to  risk  spoilin'  his." 

"  I  suppose  that  mis-shapen  stray  from  the  other  side  is 
twice  the  man  I  am,  too,"  sez  I. 

She  put  her  hand  on  mine  an'  sez  in  a  tired  voice,  "  Ah, 
Happy,  you  've  been  my  staff  so  far  through  the  valley, 
don't  you  slip  out  from  under  me  too  " ;  so  I  swallered  hard 
a  couple  o'  times  an'  let  it  go. 

She  sat  still  a  long  while,  lookin'  out  the  window  an'  up 
to  the  ol'  gray  mountains ;  and  as  I  watched  her  with  her 
lips  tremblin,  an'  her  eyes  misty,  with  courage  winnin'  a 


THE    WAYS      OF    WOMANKIND     297 

battle  over  pain,  I  saw  the  woman  lines  of  her  face  steal 
forth  an'  bury  the  last  traces  o'  girlhood.  After  a  time  she 
sez  softly,  "  Poor  ol'  Dick,  I  wonder  how  it  happened  " ;  but 
never  one  tear  got  by  her  eyelids  —  never  one  single  tear. 

From  that  on  it  was  plain  sailin'.  Barbie  did  n't  put  up 
any  more  fight  to  either  of  'em.  She  told  'em  open  an'  fair 
that  she  would  never  in  the  world  have  consented  if  she 
had  thought  that  Dick  was  still  alive;  but  if  they  was 
willin'  to  take  what  part  of  her  heart  was  left  why  they 
was  welcome  to  it.  Jabez  was  pleased  at  any  kind  of  a  com 
promise  'at  would  give  him  his  own  way,  an'  Clarence, 
poor  dear,  was  n't  a  proud  lot.  The  flesh-pots  of  Egypt  was 
about  all  the  arguments  needed  to  win  his  vote,  confound 
him.  I  used  to  give  him  some  sneerin'  glances  what  would 
'a'  put  fight  into  the  heart  of  a  ring-dove;  but  he  was 
resigned  an'  submissive;  so  'at  I  had  to  swaller  my  tongue 
when  I  saw  him  comin',  for  fear  I  might  tell  him  my  opin 
ion  of  him  an'  then  stamp  his  life  out  for  not  bein'  insulted. 

The  first  of  November  was  selected  for  the  weddin'  day ; 
an'  Jabez  told  'em  'at  his  present  would  be  a  trip  to  Europe 
an'  a  half  interest  in  the  ranch.  Clarence  sort  o'  perked  up 
his  face  when  Jabez  told  him  about  it ;  an'  I  thought  he  was 
goin'  to  suggest  that  they  cut  out  the  trip  to  Europe  an' 
take  the  whole  o'  the  ranch.  I  had  the  makin's  of  a  good 
many  cyclones  in  my  system  those  days. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-SIX 

A   MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT 

I  WAS  lonesome  once.  I  don't  mean  simply  willin'  to  sit  in 
a  game,  or  to  join  a  friendly  little  booze  competition,  or 
feelin'  a  sort  of  inward  desire  to  mingle  about  with  some  o' 
the  old  boys  an*  see  who  could  remember  the  biggest  tales 
—  I  mean  lonesome,  —  the  real  rib-strainin'  article  when  a 
man  sits  in  a  limpy  little  heap  with  his  tongue  hangin'  out, 
a-wishin'  that  a  flea-bit  coyote  would  saunter  along,  slap 
him  on  the  back,  an'  call  him  friend. 

I  was  out  in  No-man's  land  with  just  a  small  bunch  o' 
mangy  cows,  an'  the  grass  so  scarce  I  purt'  nigh  had  to  get 
'em  shod  —  they  had  to  travel  so  far  in  makin'  a  meal.  It 
was  hot  an'  it  was  dusty  an'  it  was  dry  —  the  whole  earth 
seemed  to  reek.  My  victuals  got  moldy  an'  soft  an'  sticky, 
my  appetite  laid  down  an'  refused  to  go  another  peg;  I 
was  just  simply  dyin'  o'  thirst,  an'  every  single  drop  o'  water 
we  came  across  had  a  breath  like  the  dyin'  gasp  of  a  coal- 
oil  stove,  expirin'  for  a  couple  o'  fingers  o'  the  stuff  they 
float  universities  in. 

Now  I  'd  allus  supposed  that  the*  was  n't  anything  left 
to  tell  me  about  bein'  lonesome;  but  when  it  was  finally 
settled  that  Barbie  was  to  waste  herself  on  that  imported 
imitation  of  a  hand-made  mechanical  toy,  I  found  out  that 
heretofore  I  'd  been  only  dealin'  in  childish  delusions.  The 
whole  Diamond  Dot  seemed  to  rest  right  on  top  o'  my  soul : 
the  air  did  n't  smell  sweet,  I  got  so  I  'd  lie  awake  at  night, 
food  grew  so  fearless  it  could  look  me  right  in  the  face 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    299 

without  flinchin' ;  but  one  night  I  saw  Merry  England  with 
his  arm  around  Barbie's  waist,  an'  that  settled  it.  By  the 
time  I  had  regained  my  self-control,  I  was  twenty  miles 
from  the  ranch,  an'  I  knew  that  if  I  went  back  it  would  be 
to  make  arrangements  for  the  last  sad  obsequaries  of  Clar 
ence  the  Comforter. 

I  had  about  three  hundred  bucks  in  my  belt,  so  I  wended 
my  way  to  Danders  an'  sneaked  aboard  the  East-bound 
without  attractin'  the  notice  of  ol'  Mrs.  Fate  or  any  o'  the 
rest  o'  the  Danders  bunch.  I  got  out  at  Laramie,  an'  they 
all  knew  Dick  an'  was  proud  of  him  an'  eager  to  learn  what 
had  become  of  him.  One  thing  else  I  found  out,  an'  that 
was  that  he  had  been  keepin'  a  woman  all  right,  an'  that 
she  was  livin'  there  yet ;  but  never  went  out  without  a  heavy 
veil,  an'  the'  was  n't  any  way  short  o'  physical  force  to  get 
to  speak  to  her. 

I  figured  out  that  Dick  wouldn't  care  to  go  back  to 
Texas,  so  the  chances  were  that  he  was  either  in  San  Fran 
cisco  or  England.  I  did  n't  know  anything  about  England, 
so  I  went  to  Frisco.  I  prowled  around  for  a  couple  o'  days 
exactly  like  a  story-detective;  an'  by  jinks,  I  turned  up  a 
clew.  That  feller,  Piker,  was  the  clew,  an'  when  I  spied  him 
in  a  low  gamblin'  room  I  made  some  little  stir  until  I  got 
him  alone  so  I  could  talk  to  him.  I  had  n't  hurt  him  none ; 
but  I  had  been  tol'able  firm,  an'  he  was  minded  to  speak 
the  truth.  He  told  me  that  Dick  was  in  the  Texas  Peni 
tentiary  for  life  —  that  he  had  surrendered  himself  up, 
an'  that  this  was  what  had  give  him  life  instead  of  the 
rope. 

I  knew  the  gang  what  had  put  him  there,  an'  I  knew  that 
his  chances  for  gettin'  out  were  about  as  good  as  if  he  was 
in  his  grave.  I  was  stumped  an'  I  knew  it;  so  I  sez  to 


300  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

Piker :  "  Piker,  you  may  think  that  I  'm  allus  as  gentle  as 
I  've  been  with  you ;  but  if  this  ain't  the  truth  you  've  told 
me  I  '11  get  your  life  if  I  have  to  track  you  bare-footed 
through  hell." 

He  swore  by  everything  he  could  remember  that  it  was 
the  solemn  truth,  an'  then  I  turned  him  loose  an'  I  turned 
myself  loose  too.  The  boys  down  at  Frisco  was  certainly 
glad  to  see  me,  an'  we  sure  had  a  royal  good  time  as  long 
as  my  money  lasted;  but  when  it  began  to  dry  up  they 
seemed  to  lose  interest  in  me  an'  had  a  heap  o'  private 
business  to  attend  to. 

One  mornin'  I  noticed  that  I  was  dead  broke ;  so  I  drilled 
down  to  the  dock  an'  sat  on  a  post.  Pretty  soon  along 
comes  a  little  fat  man,  an'  he  looks  me  over  from  nose  to 
toe.  I  don't  know  why  it  is,  but  as  a  rule  a  city  man  takes 
as  open-hearted  an'  disembarrassed  an  interest  in  me  as 
though  I  was  a  prize  punkin'  or  the  father  of  a  new  breed 
o'  beef  cattle.  After  he  had  made  up  his  opinion  he  smiles 
into  my  eyes  an'  sez,  "  I  like  your  face." 

"You  soothe  me,"  sez  I.  "  I  was  just  thinkin'  o'  havin'  it 
remodelled;  but  now  I  '11  leave  it  just  as  it  is." 

Well,  he  laughs  an'  slaps  me  on  the  back  an'  sez,  "  I  like 
your  style.  Want  to  take  a  ride?  " 

"  What  on  ?  "  sez  I,  for  he  seemed  purty  blocky  an'  fat- 
legged  for  a  ridin'  man. 

"  On  that  there  sailboat,"  sez  he,  pointin'  to  a  thing  about 
the  size  of  a  flat-iron  with  a  knittin'-needle  stickin'  out  of  it. 

I  give  a  little  think,  an'  I  sez :  "  To  tell  you  the  gospel 
truth,  Bud,  I  ain't  never  been  on  a  sailboat  in  my  life;  but 
I  'm  game  to  play  her  one  whirl  if  you  '11  just  wait  until 
I  get  my  breakfast/' 

"  How  long  will  it  take?"  sez  he. 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    301 

"  Deuced  if  I  know,"  sez  I.  "  I  've  been  waitin'  here  about 
two  hours  already,  an'  the'  ain't  none  showed  up  yet." 

"  Why  don't  you  go  to  a  restaurant  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  I  thank  you  kindly  for  the  suggestion,"  sez  I ;  "  but  the 
same  brilliant  idee  occurred  to  me  a  little  over  two  hours 
ago,  an'  all  my  finger-nails  is  wore  to  the  quick  tryin'  to 
scratch  up  enough  change." 

He  studied  my  face  a  moment,  then  he  chuckled  up  a 
laugh,  an'  scooted  over  to  an  eatin'-house,  comin'  back  with 
a  lot  o'  stuff  an'  some  coffee.  Then  we  got  into  the  boat 
an'  begun  to  sail.  Oh,  it  certainly  was  grand !  By  the  time 
I  had  made  it  up  with  my  stomach  we  were  out  on  the 
Pacific  Ocean,  an'  I  felt  like  Christopher  Columbus. 

Enjoy  myself?  Well,  I  guess  I  did!  I  felt  like  a  boy 
with  copper-toed  boots  an'  a  toy  balloon.  Then  things  began 
to  churn  up  wild  an'  furious.  Fatty  said  that  Pacific  meant 
mild  an'  peaceful  —  the  darned,  sarcastic,  little  liar!  The 
storm  that  was  presently  kazooin'  along  was  fierce  an'  hor 
rible,  an'  that  dinky  little  soap-bubble  cut  up  scand'lous. 

We  went  jumpin5  an'  slidin'  ahead,  tilted  away  over  on 
one  side,  but  Fatty  never  turned  a  hair;  he  said  it  was 
nothin'  but  a  capful  o'  wind,  an'  he  sat  in  the  back  end  o' 
the  boat  with  a  little  stick  in  his  hand,  hummin'  tunes  an' 
havin'  the  time  of  his  life ;  but  give  me  a  bunch  of  blizzard- 
scared  long-horns  for  mine. 

I  never  knowed  a  boat  was  so  human.  This  one  bucked 
an'  kicked  an'  reared  up  an'  tried  to  fall  over  on  its  back, 
the  same  as  a  mustang;  while  I  held  on  with  my  teeth  an' 
wondered  if  it  was  a  put-up  job.  Then  I  began  to  feel  as 
though  I  had  partakin'  of  a  balloon.  I  gritted  my  teeth  an' 
swallered  hot  water  constant ;  but  it  was  n't  no  use ;  purty 
soon  that  beautiful  breakfast  began  to  fight  its  way  to  lib- 


302  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

erty.  Layer  after  layer,  up  it  came ;  an'  all  the  while  mebbe 
I  was  n't  feelin'  like  a  tender- foot,  with  that  fat  little  cuss 
puffin'  his  pipe  in  the  back  seat,  as  happy  as  a  toad. 

After  a  bit  he  looks  at  me  purty  sympathetic  like,  an'  sez, 
"  You  seem  to  have  a  weak  stomach." 

"  Weak  ?  "  I  yells.  "  Weak !  why  you  doggone  son  of  a 
pirate,  it  kicks  like  a  shotgun  every  time  it  goes  off. 
Weak!" 

We  stayed  out  on  our  pleasure  trip  the  best  part  of  the 
day,  me  lay  in'  with  what  used  to  be  my  head  jammed  under 
the  front  seat,  while  my  liver  chased  my  stomach  up  an' 
down  my  backbone,  tryin'  to  squeeze  out  a  few  more  crumbs 
o'  that  breakfast.  You  can  believe  me  or  not;  but  when 
noon  came  that  double-dyed  villain  got  out  the  grub  an' 
began  to  eat  —  even  goin'  so  far  as  to  ask  me  to  join  him. 
A  hog  would  n't  'a'  done  it.  We  came  back  about  five 
o'clock,  an'  by  the  time  we  reached  the  landin'  place  I  was 
feelin'  fine.  An'  hungry —  Say! 

When  we  got  upon  the  platform  an'  started  to  walk  up 
town  Fatty  sez  to  me,  "  What  are  you  goin'  to  do  to  kill 
time  now  ?  " 

"  Time  ? "  sez  I.  "  Well,  now,  I  dunno  as  I  feel  any 
inborn  hankerin'  to  slaughter  time;  but  if  the  game  laws 
ain't  in  force  I  wouldn't  mind  flushin'  up  a  covey  of  fat 
young  ham  sandwidges." 

"  You  're  a  funny  cuss,"  sez  he. 

"  I  am,"  sez  I ;  "  an'  I  hope  I  won't  come  sudden  in  front 
of  a  lookin'-glass.  A  good  hearty  laugh  just  now  would  bo 
purty  apt  to  puncture  my  stomach  —  it's  jammed  up  so 
tight  again  my  backbone." 

"  You  don't  seem  to  like  this  community,"  sez  he. 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  I.    "  It 's  been  a  mighty  long  time 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    303 

since  I  tasted  it ;  but  I  have  an  idy  that  I  'd  enjoy  some 
served  hot  with  a  couple  o'  porterhouse  steaks  smothered 
in  cornbeef  hash  an'  about  three  pints  o'  coffee." 

He  chuckled  up  another  laugh,  an  sez,  "If  you  had  a 
good  job  here  would  you  be  apt  to  settle?" 

"  Settle  ?  "  sez  I.  "  You  need  n't  worry  much  about  that ; 
I  'm  no  tight-wad.  When  it  comes  my  turn  to  settle  I  gen 
erally  fish  up  a  handful  an'  say,  '  Here,  take  it  out  o'  that 
an'  keep  the  change.' ' 

He  looked  at  me  a  minute  without  speakin',  an'  then  he 
said,  as  though  he  was  thinkin'  aloud,  "  You  seem  to  be 
mighty  well  set  up." 

I  was  hurt  at  this.  "  Your  ticket  entitles  you  to  one  more 
guess,"  sez  I.  "  Any  time  anybody  got  set  up  in  my  com 
pany  since  I  struck  town  the  bartender  allus  managed  to 
sneak  me  the  checks  without  gettin'  caught  at  it.  The' 
must  'a'  been  a  cold  snap  here,  an'  all  the  easy  spenders  got 
froze  up." 

"  No,  I  mean  you  're  wonderful  well  built,"  sez  he.  "  Kin 
you  ride  a  hoss  ?  " 

"  I  can,"  sez  I,  "if  he  's  kind  an'  gentle,  an'  I  manage  to 
get  a  good  grip  on  the  saddle  horn,  an'  he  don't  start  to 
lopin'  or  somethin'  like  that." 

"  Do  you  know  what  a  knight  is  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  I  do  when  I  'm  home ;  but  since  I  've 
been  here  I  ain't  wasted  none  of  'em  in  sleep,  so  I  ain't  right 
certain." 

"  No,  I  don't  mean  that  kind,"  sez  he.  "  I  mean  the  sol 
diers  of  long  ago  who  used  to  wear  steel  armor  an'  fight 
with  spears  an'  rescue  maidens  an'  so  forth.  I  believe  I 
can  get  you  a  job  at  it  for  a  month  or  so,  at  three  dollars 
a  day." 


304  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

"  Now  look  here,  Bud,"  sez  I,  "  them  three  dollars  look 
mighty  enticin'  to  me,  an'  I  ain't  no  objection  to  rescuin' 
the  maidens;  but  I  move  we  cut  out  the  steel  armor  an' 
the  spears.  If  the'  's  any  great  amount  o'  maidens  in  need 
o'  rescuin',  I  could  do  the  job  a  heap  quicker  with  my  six- 
shooters." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  mean  to  be  a  real  knight,"  sez  he.  "  I  want 
you  to  advertise  tobacco." 

"  Say,"  sez  I,  "  perhaps  you  never  noticed  it ;  but  after 
you  've  been  livin'  on  air  for  some  time  you  get  so  you  can't 
tell  whether  it 's  yourself  or  the  other  feller  what 's  crazy. 
I  came  down  to  this  town  because  my  appetite  was  clogged 
up  an'  would  n't  work ;  but  I  'm  cured.  I  'm  the  most  in 
fernally  cured  individual  you  ever  set  eyes  on,  an'  I  'm  goin' 
back  where  food  ain't  too  blame  proud  to  be  seen  in  com 
pany  with  a  poor  man." 

Well,  I  broke  through  his  crust  that  time,  an'  we  sidled 
into  a  feed- joint,  where  I  pried  my  ribs  apart  while  he  un 
folded  his  plot.  It  seemed  the'  was  a  brand  of  chewin' 
tobacco  what  had  one  o'  these  here  knights  on  the  tag,  an' 
I  was  to  dress  up  like  the  picture  an'  advertise  it.  The  man 
who  was  to  do  it  had  sprained  his  ankle,  an'  Fatty's  brother 
was  huntin'  up  a  new  man.  Fatty  said  he  'd  get  me  the 
job. 

Well,  he  did,  an*  next  mornin'  I  started  out  in  a  tin  suit 
with  a  sort  of  kettle  turned  upside  down  an'  covered  with 
feathers  for  a  sky-piece.  I  certainly  made  an  imposin' 
sight,  an'  all  I  had  to  do  was  to  ride  around  an'  fling  little 
plugs  o'  tobacco  out  o'  my  saddle-bags.  But  the'  was  draw 
backs.  The'  generally  is. 

Take  the  real  native-son  brand  of  Friscoite,  an'  he  '11  tell 
you  'at  Frisco  an'  Paradise  are  swnonomous.  I  used  to  like 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    305 

to  argue  'em  out  about  it.  One  day  I  had  a  thirty-third 
degree  one  pointin'  his  finger  in  my  eye  an'  beatin'  his  palm 
with  his  fist,  an'  spreadin'  himself  somethin'  gorgeous.  He 
never  curbed  his  jubilization  nor  altered  the  heavy  serious 
ness  of  his  expression;  but  in  the  most  matter-of-fact  way 
in  the  world  he  backs  over  to  the  door- jamb  an'  begins  to 
polish  it  up  with  his  spinal  column.  If  ya  '11  notice  you  '11 
find  most  o'  the  coats  in  that  locality  has  curious  little  streaks 
up  the  back  —  but  it  ain't  polite  to  ask  questions  about  'em. 

"  Look  here,  Bud,"  sez  I,  interruptin',  "  I  know  all  about 
your  golden  gates  an'  sea  lions  an'  cosmopopilic  civiliza 
tion  ;  but  how  about  your  fleas  ?  " 

"  Fleas ! "  sez  he.  "  Hang  the  fleas !  I  '11  tell  you  about 
them.  The  devil  he  tried  an  experiment ;  he  wanted  a  place 
so  fine  to  live  in  that  man  would  n't  have  no  inducement  to 
try  to  get  to  heaven;  so  he  studied  all  the  cities  an'  the 
towns  —  an'  then  he  made  Frisco.  The  experiment  worked 
to  perfection ;  everybody  what  lived  there  was  perfectly 
satisfied,  an'  the  preachers  could  n't  make  'em  believe  'at 
any  place  could  be  any  better.  But  the  good  Lord,  he  was 
powerful  fond  o'  the  Friscoites,  so  he  finally  figgered  out 
the  little  red  flea  —  an'  then  even  Frisco  had  a  drawback; 
not  enough  to  give  the  town  anything  of  a  black  eye ;  just 
enough  to  leave  one  little  talkin'-point  in  favor  of  everlastin' 
bliss." 

Well,  these  here  fleas  was  consid'able  of  a  talkin'-point 
with  me  all  right  when  I  was  takin'  the  part  of  a  canned 
knight.  They  used  to  congregate  together  in  the  valley 
between  my  shoulder-blades,  an'  I  'd  get  off  an'  back  up 
again  a  lamp-post,  but  it  wa'n't  no  use.  I  couldn't  reach 
'em,  an'  the'  ain't  no  way  on  earth  to  scare  'em.  Finally 
I  hit  upon  a  plan  of  wearin'  a  couple  o'  feet  o'  chain  down 


306  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

the  back  o'  my  neck  an'  givin'  it  a  jerk  now  an'  again.  It 
was  only  just  moderately  comfortable;  but  I  had  the  satis 
faction  of  knowin'  that  it  was  more  of  a  bother  to  them 
than  it  was  to  me.  A  suit  of  armor  ain't  no  tenement 
house,  it 's  only  meant  for  one.  But  when  they  got  on  my 
face  they  had  me  beat.  I  'd  forget  all  about  bein'  sealed 
up,  an'  I  'd  take  a  smash  at  one  an'  bat  the  kettle  over 
again  my  forehead  until  I  had  both  eyebrows  knocked  out 
o'  line. 

I  carried  a  spear  with  a  little  flag  on  it,  an'  rode  a  hoss 
built  like  a  barrel.  He  had  been  in  the  brewery  business 
all  his  life  an'  looked  the  part.  About  the  only  item  in  the 
whole  parade  that  put  me  in  mind  of  myself  was  my  lariat. 
I  smuggled  that  along  for  company,  an'  so  I  'd  have  some- 
thin'  to  work  with,  provided  anything  turned  up. 

Fatty  had  give  me  a  book  called  "  Ivanhoe "  the  night 
before  I  started  out,  an'  it  was  full  o'  pictures  about  knights 
knockin'  each  other  about  with  spears;  an'  I  bet  a  hat  it 
was  fun  to  be  a  real  one  an'  not  have  no  tobacco  to  adver 
tise,  but  just  nothin'  to  do  except  jab  each  other  with  spears. 
I  reckon  a  corkin'  good  one  like  Ivanhoe  himself  or  the 
Black  Knight  got  more  'an  three  a  day  for  it  too ;  but  the 
one  best  bet  is,  that  the  vigilance  committee  those  days 
didn't  take  on  much  superfluous  fat. 

I  enjoyed  myself  first  rate,  an'  upset  a  couple  o'  delivery 
wagons  because  they  would  n't  make  way  for  me,  roped  a 
runaway  steer  'at  had  the  whole  town  scared,  an'  chased  a 
flat-head  clear  into  the  Palace  Hotel  for  throwin'  a  pear  at 
me.  Fatty's  brother  confided  to  him  that  I  was  the  best 
advertisement  they  'd  ever  had. 

Still  I  allus  get  weary  o'  doin'  the  same  sort  o'  thing  day 
after  day.  That 's  what  gets  me  about  livin'  in  town ;  it 's 


^     MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    307 

so  blame  monotonous.  Out  on  the  range  now  a  feller  can 
allus  be  expectin'  a  little  excitement  even  if  he  ain't  enjoyin' 
it  right  at  the  time;  but  in  town  it's  just  the  same  thing 
over  an'  over  again.  It 's  bad  enough  at  any  time ;  but  if 
you  want  to  soak  yourself  plumb  full  o'  the  horrors  of  a 
great  city  you  want  to  wear  a  tin  suit  with  an  iron  kettle 
strapped  on  your  head  that  you  can't  take  off  without  help. 
I  got  so  blame  disgusted  drinkin'  steam  beer  through  a 
straw  that  if  any  one  would  'a'  dared  me  I  'd  'a'  signed  the 
pledge. 

If  it  had  n't  been  for  the  children  I  'd  probably  got  hysteri 
cal  an'  been  voted  into  the  uncurable  ward ;  but  they  thought 
I  was  the  finest  thing  out,  an'  I  used  to  give  'em  little  plugs 
o'  tobacco  for  souvynears.  I  used  to  read  "  Ivanhoe  "  at 
night  an'  tell  stories  to  the  kids  the  next  day.  Some  o'  them 
thought  I  was  a  fairy  godmother;  an'  I  generally  had  such 
a  gang  troopin'  after  me  that  we  looked  like  an  orphan 
asylum  out  for  an  airin'.  I  allus  did  like  children. 

Well,  one  day  I  was  out  at  the  foot  o'  the  hill  neighbor 
hood  on  Sutter  Street.  A  lot  o'  cars  was  blockaded,  an'  a 
herd  o'  kids  stood  lookin'  on.  I  stopped  an'  talked  to  'em, 
an'  the'  was  one  little  girl,  just  for  all  the  world  like  another 
little  girl  I  used  to  know,  away  back  yonder  in  Indiana. 
She  had  the  same  confidin'  smile  an'  the  same  big,  wide 
open  eyes ;  an'  I  felt  a  sort  o'  lump  in  my  throat  when  she 
looked  at  me.  She  had  that  same  queer  little  look  that 
Barbie  'd  had  when  she  was  a  child  too.  Her  mother  was 
named  Maggie,  which  also  happened  to  be  the  name  o'  the 
little  girl  I  had  known  clear  away  back  when  I  'd  been  a 
school-boy.  All  of  a  sudden  I  felt  lonesome  again;  so  I 
give  the  kids  the  slip  an'  skirted  the  car. 

I  started  to  ride  up  the  Hyde  Street  hill  on  the  other  side, 


308  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

an'  say,  it  was  a  hill!  Steep?  Well,  it  was  about  all  Mr. 
Hoss  could  do  to  climb  it.  While  I  was  wonderin'  if  I 
had  n't  better  let  that  part  o'  town  go  unadvertised  I  heard 
a  rumble,  looked  up,  an'  saw  comin'  over  the  square  o'  the 
next  street  a  big  wagon  loaded  with  lumber  an'  runnin' 
towards  me  down  the  hill.  The'  was  n't  no  hosses  hitched 
to  it,  an'  the  tongue  stuck  straight  out  in  front.  It  was 
comin'  like  a  steam-engine,  an'  like  a  flash  I  remembered 
Maggie  on  the  other  side  o'  the  car.  That  wagon  would 
'a'  weighed  six  tons,  an'  any  fool  could  see  what  would 
happen  when  it  struck  that  street  car. 

For  a  second  —  for  just  one  second,  which  seemed  to  last 
a  thousand  years  —  I  was  turned  to  stone.  I  could  hear 
the  crash ;  I  could  hear  the  screams ;  I  could  feel  the  horrid 
scrunch  as  car,  wagon,  an'  all  ground  over  poor  little 
Maggie;  and  then  everything  cleared  up,  an'  I  could  think 
ninety  times  a  minute. 

I  turned  my  rope  loose  an'  backed  ol'  Mr.  Barrel  up  on 
the  sidewalk  in  the  wink  of  a  hair  trigger.  I  looked  down 
at  the  hoss,  an'  he  would  have  weighed  a  full  ton  himself; 
but  I  knew  that  he  wouldn't  have  sense  enough  to  brace 
himself  when  the  jerk  came.  It  was  comical  the  way 
thoughts  kept  flashin'  through  my  head  —  everything  I  had 
done,  an'  everything  I  might  have  done,  an'  a  heap  more 
beside ;  but  the  thing  that  worried  me  most  was  the  thought 
that  a  mighty  good  story  was  about  to  happen,  an'  the 
chances  were  that  I  would  n't  be  the  one  to  do  the  tellin'  of 
it  afterward.  I  can  talk  about  it  easy  now ;  but  I  was  n't 
breathin'  then. 

On  came  the  wagon,  an'  it  looked  as  though  nothin'  under 
heaven  could  stop  it.  A  strange  feelin'  o'  weakness  swept 
over  me  for  a  minute,  and  —  and  —  darned  if  I  did  n't 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    309 

pray,  right  then.  The  pressure  lifted  like  a  fog,  an'  I  sat 
there  as  cool  an'  still  as  though  I  was  Ivanhoe,  darin'  the 
whole  blame  outfit  to  come  at  me  in  a  bunch;  an'  I  was 
some  pleased  to  notice  that  a  little  group  had  gathered  to  see 
the  outcome.  My  knees  dug  into  the  hoss's  ribs  as  I  circled 
the  rope  around  my  head,  an'  then  at  just  the  right  instant 
I  gave  the  foreleg  throw.  Well,  it  landed  —  everything 
landed.  As  soon  as  the  noose  caught  the  tip  o'  the  tongue 
I  yanked  back  on  the  brewer  until  he  must  'a'  thought  his 
lower  jaw  had  dissolved  partnership. 

The'  never  was  any  neater  work  —  never.  The  noose 
tightened  well  out  on  the  tongue,  an'  when  the  strain  came 
the  wagon  turned  in  toward  the  sidewalk,  runnin'  in  a  big 
circle  on  the  outside  wheels.  The  jerk  had  lifted  ol'  Uncle 
Brewer,  who  did  n't  have  gumption  enough  to  squat,  plumb 
out  in  the  middle  o'  the  street,  an'  just  as  the  wagon  climbed 
the  curb  an'  dove  into  the  basement  office  of  a  Jew  doctor 
the  rope  tightened  up  with  me  an'  the  brewer  square  behind. 
It  did  n't  last  long ;  the'  was  only  one  cinch  to  the  saddle, 
an'  the  first  jerk  had  purty  well  discouraged  that;  the 
brewer  had  grew  suspicious  an'  all  four  of  his  feet  was  dug 
into  the  cobble  stones ;  the  wagon  was  lopin'  along  about 
ninety  miles  a  second,  an'  when  the  tug  came  me  an'  the 
saddle  an'  the  tinware  an'  about  four  thousand  plugs  o' 
tobacco  made  a  half -circle  in  the  air  an'  plunged  through 
the  first  story  winder  onto  the  dinin'-table  —  an'  the  family 
was  at  dinner. 

Nobody  was  hurt;  but  I  wish  you  could  have  seen  the 
eyes  o'  that  family  —  an'  their  hands  —  yes,  an'  their  ton 
sils  too.  They  didn't  seem  fully  prepared.  After  a  time 
the  doctor  got  his  heart  to  pumpin'  again,  an'  he  roars  out, 
"  Vat  are  you  doin'  —  vat  are  you  doin'  ?  " 


310  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

"  I  'm  advertisin'  tobacco/'  sez  I,  tryin'  to  cut  the  kettle 
off  my  head  with  a  fruit-knife. 

Then  he  did  the  wind-mill  act  with  his  hands  an'  rolled 
up  his  eyes  an'  sez,  "  Veil,  mine  Cott,  man,  dis  iss  no  vay 
to  atfertice  dobaggo !  " 

"  Mebbe  not,  oF  sport,"  sez  I,  thinkin'  o'  the  way  that 
wagon  had  dove  into  his  office,  an'  takin'  a  general  survey 
o'  the  dinner  table;  "  but  if  you  're  game  at  all  you  got  to 
own  up  it  makes  a  strong  impression." 

He  was  a  comical  little  cuss,  an'  it  amused  me  a  heap 
to  see  how  excited  he  was.  He  splutered  an'  fizzed  away 
like  a  leaky  sody  fountain,  while  the  rest  o'  the  tribe  kept 
up  a  most  infernal  squawkin'. 

By  the  time  I  had  the  tobacco  an'  the  balance  o'  the  trim- 
min's  picked  up  an'  got  back  to  the  street  again  I  found  the 
rest  o'  the  population  gathered  together  to  see  who  was 
holdin'  the  celebration;  an'  from  that  on  my  stay  in  the 
city  was  a  nightmare.  The  passengers  in  the  car  gave  me 
gold  watches  an'  champagne  suppers,  the  Jew  doctor  wore 
himself  to  a  bone  tryin'  to  find  out  whether  it  was  me,  the 
lumber  company,  or  the  tobacco  firm  which  had  to  pay  the 
piper ;  while  the  newspaper  reporters  pumped  me  as  dry 
as  the  desert.  The  tobacco  company  kept  me  on  double 
pay,  because  when  it  came  to  what  they  call  a  publicity 
agent  I  had  played  every  winnin'  number  open  an'  coppered 
all  the  ones  that  lost. 

That  car  had  been  loaded  with  a  group  o'  the  real,  gen 
uine  gold-sweaters,  an'  they  entered  into  a  fierce  compe 
tition  to  see  which  could  load  me  down  with  the  finest  watch 
an'  load  me  up  with  the  finest  champagne.  They  got  me 
to  make  'em  after-dinner  speeches  an'  do  fancy  stunts  with 
my  raw-hide  —  ropin'  wine  bottles  off  the  waiters'  trays  an* 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    311 

such  —  until  we  got  as  friendly  as  a  herd  of  tramps.  They 
even  got  me  into  a  long- tailed  coat  an'  a  bullfrog  vest ;  but 
I  didn't  take  kindly  to  that,  'count  o'  there  not  bein'  any 
handy  place  to  tote  a  gun  except  the  tail  pocket,  which  I 
never  could  have  got  at  in  case  the  trouble  was  to-  slop  over. 

I  kept  lookin'  for  little  Maggie,  an'  one  day  I  found  her. 
I  bought  her  a  couple  o'  pounds  o'  candy  an'  a  lot  o'  new 
dresses ;  an'  I  took  her  out  to  her  home  in  a  carriage.  Well, 
this  home  o'  hers  was  a  thing  to  wring  the  heart  of  an  ossi 
fied  toad.  It  was  up  near  the  Barbery  coast,  where  they 
kill  folks  for  exercise.  She  an'  her  mother  was  livin'  in 
two  miserable  rooms,  her  mother  doin'  washin'  an'  Maggie 
runnin'  errands;  but  they  was  as  near  respectable  as  half- 
fed  people  ever  was  in  the  world,  an'  it  made  'em  hustle 
to  even  keep  half  fed,  too,  'cause  they  was  in  competition 
with  the  Chinks,  who  don't  have  to  eat  at  all  —  that  is,  not 
regular  food. 

An'  would  you  believe  it,  her  mother  was  the  little  Maggie 
I  used  to  know  away  back  yonder  in  the  kid  days  when  all 
the  world  was  just  like  a  big,  bulgey  Christmas-stocking. 
She  had  married  a  good  man,  an'  had  come  out  to  the  coast 
with  him  on  account  of  his  health,  an'  he  had  flickered  out 
without  leavin'  her  much  but  a  stack  o'  doctor's  bills  an' 
little  Maggie.  She  had  struggled  along  ever  since,  an'  it 
made  my  heart  ache  like  a  tooth  to  see  the  sweetness  an' 
the  beauty  o'  the  little  girl  I  used  to  know  come  to  the 
eyes  o'  this  poor  tired  woman  an'  smile  —  smile  the  same 
old  smile  like  what  she  used  to  when  I  'd  given  her  an 
apple,  or  when  she  'd  written  me  a  little  note  an'  sneaked  it 
across  the  aisle. 

Well,  I  did  n't  stay  long.  I  had  a  special  swell  function 
to  attend  that  night,  but  next  mornin',  when  the  Turkish- 


312  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

bath  man  was  willin'  to  risk  the  peace  o'  that  locality  by 
turnin'  me  loose,  I  gathered  up  a  peck  or  so  o'  watches  an' 
cashed  'em  in.  I  reckon  I  got  beat  some;  but  anyhow, 
I  drew  down  somethin'  over  sixteen  hundred  in  yeller 
money ;  an'  I  took  them  two  Maggies  down  to  the  train  an' 
shipped  'em  back  where  the  little  one  would  have  a  chance 
to  grow  up  like  a  flower,  with  plenty  o'  green  grass  an' 
sunshine  about  her,  an'  the  mother  could  put  on  a  clean 
dress  afternoons  an'  visit  'round  a  little  with  the  friends 
o'  long  ago. 

After  they  was  gone  everything  seemed  mighty  gloomy  an' 
damp  an'  lonesome,  an'  I  entered  into  the  social  festivities 
most  enthusiastic.  The'  was  somethin'  about  both  these  two 
Maggies  that  kept  bringin'  Barbie  before  me,  an'  what  I 
felt  most  like  doin'  was  to  bolster  up  my  forgetfulness. 

It  was  n't  very  long,  however,  before  I  noticed  that  my 
quiet  an'  simple  life  had  n't  in  nowise  fitted  me  for  refined 
society,  an'  I  made  my  plans  to  bid  it  a  fond  farewell.  I  'm 
just  as  cordial  a  friend  as  whiskey  ever  had;  but  my  con 
science  rebels  at  floodin'  my  vital  organs  with  seventeen 
different  colored  wines  at  one  meal.  I  've  been  infested 
with  pink  elephants  an'  green  dragons  an'  I  never  com 
plained  none;  but  hang  me  if  I  can  get  any  comfort  out  of 
a  striped  yellow  spider  ten  feet  high  on  horrid  hairy  legs. 

I  was  sittin'  in  the  Palace  lobby  one  mornin'  wonderin' 
if  I  'd  bump  my  head  should  I  happen  to  sneeze,  when  in 
come  one  o'  my  pals.  His  face  lit  up  when  he  see  me  an' 
he  came  over  holdin'  out  his  hand.  I  held  out  my  own  hearty 
enough ;  but  I  sez  in  a  warnin'  voice,  "  Now,  before  you 
ask  me  the  customary  question  I  want  to  inform  you  that  1 
positively  don't  want  a  drink,  neither  now  nor  this  evenin', 
nor  never  again." 


A    MODERN    KNIGHT-ERRANT    313 

"  Pshaw,"  sez  he,  "  I  'm  goin'  to  pull  out  for  home  to 
day,  an'  I  don't  want  to  go  without  a  farewell  libation  to  the 
good  times  we  've  been  havin'." 

"  I  'm  goin'  to  pull  out,  myself,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  went  on  my 
farewell  libation  last  night.  Where  might  your  home  be  ?  " 

"  Texas,"  sez  he.     I  straightened  up. 

"  Know  the  governor  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Some,"  sez  he,  his  eyes  twinklin' ;  "  he  was  my  sister's 
youngest  brother." 

"Your  sister's  youngest  brother?"  sez  I,  an'  then  I 
tumbled.  "  Say,"  I  yelled,  jumpin'  to  my  feet,  "  you  don't 
mean  that  you  're  it  yourself?" 

;<  That's  the  history,"  sez  he;  "  but  if  it 's  just  the  same 
to  you,  I'd  rather  you  didn't  work  up  much  of  a  story 
about  the  way  I  've  handled  this  town  since  you  saved  that 
car." 

"  Do  you  really  think  'at  I  saved  your  life  ?  "  sez  I. 

"Why,"  sez  he,  "if  that  wagon  had  ever  hit  the  car 
the'  would  n't  'a'  been  anything  left  but  my  teeth  to  identify 
me  by,  an'  I  ain't  never  had  one  filled  yet." 

Well,  I  took  one  drink  with  him,  an'  I  told  him  the 
straight  o'  that  cattle  ring  an'  how  Jim  Jimison  had  sur 
rendered  on  account  o'  the  best  little  girl  that  walked,  an' 
that  he  was  the  all  around  squarest  boy  the'  was.  I  did  n't 
cork  up  any  natural  eloquence  I  happened  to  have,  an'  I  was 
some  sorry  'at  ol'  Hammy  couldn't  have  heard  that  plea. 
It  was  dramatic,  an'  I  '11  bet  money  on  it.  The  outcome 
was,  that  he  swore  he  'd  have  Jim  out  o'  the  pen  as  soon 
as  he  could  get  back  an'  do  the  signin'.  He  was  a  big  man 
with  steel  gray  eyes,  an'  by  jing  I  felt  good  over  it;  but 
I  stuck  to  the  one-drink  proposition. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-SEVEN 

THE   CREOLE    BELLE 

WELL,  now,  mebbe  I  did  n't  feel  fine !  I  'd  have  a  real  man 
for  Barbie  to  marry  purty  soon,  an'  it  was  a  good  job  o' 
work  to  send  that  washy-eyed  Englishman  back  to  his  one- 
hoss  ranch  to  learn  how  to  act  grown-up.  I  was  all  squared 
around  now.  Up  to  that  mornin'  I  could  n't  tell  where  on 
the  face  I  did  want  to  head  for ;  but  now  I  knew.  I  wanted 
to  bee-line  straight  for  the  Diamond  Dot  an'  light  the  joy- 
lamps  in  Barbie's  eyes  again.  When  I  had  given  my  life  to 
her  the'  was  n't  no  strings  to  the  gift.  I  had  n't  said  that 
my  happiness  was  to  be  considered  at  all,  nor  the  happiness 
of  any  one  else  on  the  whole  earth  except  just  her  own, 
an'  I  was  wild  to  be  back. 

I  was  makin'  up  my  mind  to  sneak  away  without  seein' 
any  o'  the  glad  band  —  those  Frisco  fellers  are  terrors  when 
they  take  a  fancy  to  ya  —  I  mean  the  thoroughbreds,  the 
toppy  lads  with  rolls  'at  a  ten-year-old  boy  could  n't  up-end 
without  strainin'  himself.  I  hated  to  do  it ;  but  I  'm  only 
human,  an'  when  I  'm  in  earnest  about  bein'  delivered  from 
evil  I  allus  get  up  early  in  the  dawn  an'  get  a  good  start 
while  temptation  is  still  enjoyin'  its  beauty  sleep. 

I  had  just  got  my  will  power  properly  stiffened  up,  when 
lo  an'  behold,  I  was  slapped  on  the  back  an'  a  merry  voice 
exclaimed,  "Happy  Hawkins,  by  the  Chinese  Devil!" 

I  glanced  up  into  a  bearded  face  with  two  twinklin'  eyes 
an'  an  outdoor  look  about  it.  I  recognized  the  eyes  all 
right,  but  I  knew  I  hadn't  never  seen  'em  in  that  sort  o' 


THE    CREOLE    BELLE  315 

trimmin'  before ;  so  I  sez  in  a  dignified  manner,  "  I  'm 
exceeding  glad  to  see  ya,  but  who  the  '11  are  ya? " 

"  Ches !  "  sez  he.  "  Ralph  Chester  Stuart  —  Great  Scott, 
have  you  lost  your  memory  ?  " 

Well,  by  the  Jinks,  but  I  was  glad  to  see  the  boy,  an'  we 
hid  away  in  a  private  room  with  two  pure  an'  proper  lemon 
ades  before  us.  He  was  a  genuine  minin'  engineer,  an'  had 
been  havin'  lots  of  queer  experiences.  He  wanted  me  to 
sign  up  with  him,  promisin'  me  that  we  'd  have  change  of 
bill  twice  a  week ;  but  I  finally  prevailed  upon  him  that  I 
had  aged  considerable  since  our  didoes  with  the  goat,  an' 
all  of  a  sudden  he  ups  an'  sez,  "  By  the  way,  old  hat,  I  've 
got  you  news !  " 

"  Yes  ?  "  sez  I.    "  Where  'd  you  get  it  ?  " 

"  Why,  about  the  Creole  Belle,"  sez  he. 

"Creole  Belle!"  sez  I.  "Well,  tell  it,  tell  it.  Why 
don't  you  tell  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  fudge,"  sez  he ;  "  it 's  been  long  enough  on  the 
way,  an'  I  reckon  it  '11  keep  a  minute  longer.  The  Creole 
Belle  was  a  gold-mine  named  after  a  woman." 

"Good  or  bad?"  sez  I. 

"  Good,"  sez  he.  "  Paid  two  hundred  dollars  to  the  ton 
in  spots." 

"  I  meant  the  woman,  confound  ya,"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  it  seems  that  she  was  a  purty  square  sort  of  a 
woman,"  sez  Ches,  "  but  I  did  n't  suppose  'at  you  'd  care 
much  about  her.  The  mine  —  "  I  groaned.  "  Well,  you 
fool  me,"  sez  Ches,  seein'  I  was  in  earnest.  "  The'  was  a 
purty  florid  romance  mixed  up  in  it  too ;  but  I  did  n't  sup 
pose  you  was  interested  in  such  things,  an'  I  did  n't  pay 
much  heed  to  that  part  of  it." 

"  That 's  allus  the  way  when  a  boy  does  anything,"  sez 


316  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

I,  with  peevishness.  "  Now  you  set  there  an'  think  up  all 
you  can  about  the  deal  —  everything." 

"Well,"  sez  Ches,  slowly,  "it  seems  that  a  couple  o' 
young  Easterners  came  out  to  find  their  fortune.  They  was 
the  true  Damon  an'  Pythias  brand  o'  partners,  an'  stood 
back  to  back  durin'  a  protracted  spell  o'  good,  stiff,  copper- 
bottomed  misfortune.  They  finally  located  a  mine  that 
looked  good-natured  an'  generous ;  but  it  was  a  fooler. 
One  day  it  coaxed  'em  an'  next  it  give  'em  the  laugh.  Finally 
they  each  got  down  in  turn  with  mountain- fever  an'  a 
beautiful  young  girl  nursed  'em.  She  was  there  with  her 
father,  who  was  workin'  a  claim  near  by.  He  was  an  odd 
sort  of  chap  to  be  minin'  —  though  come  to  think  of,  that 's 
not  possible,  seein'  that  all  kinds  o'  men  —  " 

"  Ches,"  I  breaks  in,  "  will  you  kindly  get  on  with  that 
tale,  or  must  I  shake  it  out  o'  you  ?  " 

He  seemed  mightily  surprised,  but  he  went  on :  "  Well, 
the  girl  was  a  beauty,  an'  she  had  a  gigantic  maid  — " 

"  Monody !  "  I  shouted. 

"  Keeno !  "  shouts  back  Ches,  some  exasperated. 

"  Now  that  was  n't  slang  nor  sarcasm  what  I  was  usin'," 
sez  I,  smoothin'  it  over.  "  That  gigantic  maid  you  men 
tioned  is  part  o'  the  tale  that  you  don't  know  yet." 

"  Well,  naturally,  while  they  -was  bein'  nursed  they  both 
fell  in  love  with  her  —  " 

"With  Monody?"  I  yells. 

"  No,  you  ijot,  with  the  girl !  "  Ches  was  gettin'  flustered. 
"  She  was  a  corkin'  handsome  girl,  an'  they  all  called  her 
the  Creole  Belle.  To  be  strictly  honest  though,  they  did  n't 
really  fall  in  love  with  her.  They  both  loved  the  same  girl 
back  in  Philadelphia,  an'  they  just  took  to  the  Creole  Belle 
as  a  sort  of  a  substitute.  Now  the  ol'  man  an'  the  big  maid 


THE    CREOLE    BELLE  317 

watched  over  the  girl  careful,  an'  the'  was  n't  no  harm  come 
of  it ;  an'  when  the  mine  finally  got  to  handin'  out  the  gilt 
without  jokin'  about  it,  the  two  pals  got  to  goin'  off  alone 
an'  thinkin'  o'  the  girl  back  East.  They  had  four  or  five 
miners  workin'  for  'em  by  this  time,  an'  they  was  gettin' 
the  dust  in  quantities.  Finally  they  got  together  about  it. 
It  seems  that  they  had  an  agreement  that  neither  one  would 
propose  to  the  girl  without  the  other's  consent,  but  they 
had  each  been  makin'  gentle-love  in  their  letters  to  her,  while 
she  did  n't  seem  to  know  which  she  liked  best." 

"  Where  'd  you  learn  all  this  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  I  've  been  askin'  all  the  ol'  miners  I  Ve  met,"  sez 
Ches,  "  an'  at  last  I  found  one  who  knew  the  whole  of  it. 
All  of  'em  knew  something;  things  ain't  done  secret  in  a 
minin'  camp,  an'  all  the  boys  got  interested.  Well,  they 
finally  agreed  to  play  five  hands  o'  draw  for  the  first  chance 
to  propose.  If  the  lucky  one  got  the  girl  he  was  to  pay  the 
loser  half  the  profits.  If  he  lost  an'  the  second  feller  got 
the  girl  on  his  proposal,  he  was  to  get  mine  an'  girl  both. 
They  was  still  fond  o'  the  Creole  Belle  an'  she  was  fond  o' 
them  —  from  all  accounts  they  was  men  above  the  average, 
all  right.  Well,  they  played  the  five  hands  an'  it  was  even 
bones  at  the  fourth  show.  Then  Jordan  made  a  crooked 
move  o'  some  kind,  an'  Whitman  called  for  a  new  deal. 
It  was  the  first  suspicion  that  had  ever  raised  its  head  be 
tween  'em,  an'  they  looked  into  each  other's  eyes  a  long 
time:  then  Jordan  dealt  again  an'  Whitman  won. 

"  He  wrote  to  the  girl,  an'  after  a  time  she  answered, 
savin'  yes.  Jordan  an'  Whitman  was  n't  such  good  pals  as 
before;  but  when  the  girl  was  due  to  arrive  they  started 
down  in  the  stage  to  meet  her,  both  together.  Just  as  they 
was  goin'  by  the  ol'  man's  claim  —  Ol'  Pizarro,  or  some 


318  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

such  a  name  as  that  he  had  —  the  stage  lost  a  front  wheel 
an'  Whitman  got  a  broken  leg.  They  took  him  into  the 
olj  man's  cabin,  sent  a  man  on  hoss-back  after  the  doctor, 
an'  Whitman  insisted  that  Jordan  ride  on  down  to  meet  the 
girl.  They'd  had  a  hard  time  gettin'  the  girl  to  consent 
to  come  at  all;  but  she  was  an  orphan  with  only  a  faithful 
servant  for  a  family,  an'  she  had  finally  give  in,  seein'  as 
Jordan  would  be  there  as  her  best  friend;  an'  now  Whit 
man  forced  Jordan  to  go  down  an'  meet  her."  I  remembered 
the  letter  'at  little  Barbie  had  made  me  read,  an'  I  was  able 
to  guess  the  rest. 

"  Well,  Jordan  met  the  girl,  an'  the  servant  who  had 
tagged  along,  —  the  name  of  the  servant  was  Melisse,  if  you 
want  all  the  details." 

"I  knew  it,"  sez  I;   "goon." 

"He  brought  the  girl  back  to  where  the  Creole  Belle 
was  tendin'  to  Whitman  in  a  mighty  gentle  an'  tender  way. 
The  girl  did  n't  seem  to  care  much  for  Whitman  when  she 
saw  him,  an'  that  very  day  they  had  it  out.  She  did  n't 
make  no  fuss,  she  was  a  game  one  all  right ;  just  said  that 
it  was  a  mistake  all  'round  an'  left  on  the  next  stage,  goin' 
to  Frisco. 

"  Whitman  was  laid  up  six  weeks,  an*  by  the  time  he 
was  out  Jordan  told  him  that  he  was  ready  to  propose  to 
the  girl  on  his  own  hook.  Whitman  agreed,  Jordan  made 
his  play,  got  a  favorable  answer,  an'  Whitman  made  over 
a  full  deed  to  the  Creole  Belle.  Just  at  this  time  ol'  Pizzaro 
cashed  in,  an'  the  first  thing  Whitman  knew  he  was  married 
to  the  Creole  Belle,  had  sold  his  wife's  mine  an'  started  to 
leave  the  country.  Down  at  the  station  he  hears  a  chance 
word  that  gives  him  a  tip,  an'  he  leaves  his  wife  there  an' 
goes  back  to  the  mine.  He  accuses  Jordan  of  havin'  told 


THE     CREOLE     BELLE  319 

the  eastern  girl  that  he  was  already  married  to  the  Creole 
Belle  when  she  came  out  to  marry  him  herself.  Jordan 
denies  it,  but  they  fight,  an'  it 's  sure  a  bad  fight.  Jordan 
gets  three  bullets  in  his  body  an'  only  laughs  about  it ;  but 
he  shoots  Whitman  twice,  so  that  fever  sets  in,  an'  it  was 
reported  that  he  died.  Anyhow,  he 's  taken  down  to  the 
train  an'  put  on  board,  out  of  his  head ;  an'  was  never  heard 
of  again. 

"  Jordan  hid  his  wounds  purty  well,  bein'  a  man  o'  won 
derful  grit ;  but  just  when  he  was  gettin'  around  again  one 
o'  the  boys  what  Whitman  had  done  a  good  turn  to  picks 
a  quarrel  with  Jordan,  an'  Jordan  still  bein'  stiff  from  the 
wounds  he  was  hidin',  gets  the  worst  of  it,  is  hammered  up 
with  a  pick-handle  an'  left  for  dead.  He  don't  die,  how 
ever,  he  works  the  Creole  Belle  mine  till  he 's  taken  out 
about  a  million,  an'  then  she  closes  up  an'  he  gets  out  o'  the 
country  for  keeps.  That 's  all  the'  is  to  that  tale.  Now 
you  tell  me  what  part  of  it  you  're  interested  in." 

"  Was  that  all  you  heard  about  the  gigantic  maid  ? " 
sez  I. 

"  You  certainly  have  a  healthy  appetite  for  gossip,"  sez 
Ches,  laughin'.  "  But  I  did  hear  more  about  the  maid :  she 
came  back  to  that  part  a  few  months  later  to  square  things 
up  with  her  lover.  He  did  n't  appear  willin'  to  square,  an' 
they  found  him  in  his  cabin  one  mornin'  with  his  throat  tore 
out  by  the  roots,  an'  they  found  her  clothes  on  the  bank  o' 
Devil  Crick;  so  that  ends  her  story.  She  must  'a'  been 
some  devil  herself." 

"  No,"  sez  I  to  Ches,  "  the  worst  any  one  can  call  her  is 
a  man ;  an'  it  was  n't  altogether  her  fault  that  you  can  call 
her  that,  I  '11  stake  my  soul  on  it." 

Ches  was  ravenous  to  learn  why  it  was  that  I  wanted  all 


32(?  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

that  old  scandal  dished  up;  but  I  was  too  busy  to  tell  him 
right  then,  an'  he  was  goin'  to  leave  in  an  hour  to  overlook 
some  new  findin's  out  in  Nevada.  We  promised  to  write 
to  each  other,  an'  I  told  him  that  probably  I  'd  be  willin'  to 
take  a  job  with  him  in  a  month  or  so;  an'  then  he  skinned 
out  to  make  ready,  an'  I  got  busy  on  my  letter.  Letters 
never  was  one  o'  my  chief  delights;  but  I  wrote  to  Jim, 
tellin'  him  enough  o'  the  details  to  throw  a  bluff  into  Jabez ; 
but  not  enough  to  put  Jim  wise  to  the  tale.  Just  gave  him 
the  right  names  an'  the  name  o'  the  mine  an'  told  him  to 
bluff  that  he  knew  it  all;  but  not  to  speak  too  free;  an' 
that  would  suit  all  around  an'  put  Jabez  into  a  nervous 
condition.  I  sent  this  letter  to  the  governor,  tellin'  him 
to  give  it  to  Jim  personal,  an'  to  hustle  things  for  a  quick 
finish. 

I  posted  my  letter  an'  started  up  to  the  desk  to  pay  my 
bill,  when  I  had  another  turn.  I  stood  still  with  a  shock, 
pinchin'  myself  to  see  if  I  was  in  my  right  mind  or  only 
sufferin'  from  an  extra  foolin'  hang-over.  A  jaunty  young 
chap  with  out-standin'  clothes,  an'  a  brindle  bull-terrier  was 
registerin'  their  names,  an'  if  I  was  in  my  right  mind  I 
knew  them  folks  for  true.  I  was  feelin'  exuberant  to  a 
dangerous  limit,  an'  I  sneaks  up  an'  unsnaps  the  bull-terrier 
from  the  leash  what  the  porter  was  holdin'.  Well,  it  was 
Cupid  all  right,  an'  he  was  bugs  to  see  me.  He  started 
jumpin'  up  on  my  shoulders  an'  makin'  queer  sounds,  an' 
I  pertends  'at  I  'm  scared  to  death  an'  duck  an'  dodge  around 
that  office  until  I  have  all  the  inmates  standin'  on  the  fur 
niture  an'  yellin'  police. 

Bill  runs  around  after  us  tellin'  me  not  to  be  frightened, 
an'  givin'  Cupid  a  tongue-handlin'  that  would  'a'  stung 
a  deaf  alligator.  When  I  can't  hold  in  any  longer  I  rolls 


THE    CREOLE    BELLE  321 

over  on  a  dievan  —  that 's  what  they  call  a  hotel  sofy  —  an* 
get  Cupid  in  my  arms  an'  make  a  sound  as  if  he  was 
stranglin'  me.  Bill  gets  Cupid  by  the  collar  an'  jerks  him 
off,  an'  then  I  stands  up  an'  sez  in  a  hurt  an'  dignified  voice, 
"  It  seems  darned  funny  to  me  that  I  can't  welcome  an  old 
friend  without  you  interferin'." 

He  give  me  one  look  —  I  was  festooned  a  little  out  o'  the 
ordinary  —  an'  then  he  begins.  First  he  'd  sing  a  chant 
about  how  tickled  he  was  to  meet  up  with  me,  an'  then  he  'd 
sermonize  most  doleful  about  how  untasteful  it  was  to 
commit  such  a  havoc  as  that  in  a  hotel  lobby,  especially 
with  a  dog  what  had  been  trained  to  have  quiet  an'  re 
fined  manners.  I  finally  refused  to  hold  my  safety  valve 
down  any  longer;  an'  I  grabbed  him  under  the  arms 
an'  waltzed  him  over  the  marble,  while  Cupid  frolicked 
around  us  an'  Bill  kicked  me  on  the  shins.  I  had  had 
too  many  things  happen  to  me  in  a  small  space  o'  time 
to  be  altogether  sane,  an'  it  took  a  good  many  kicks  on  the 
shins  to  get  me  down  to  a  practical  basis  again.  Bill  was 
plumb  disgusted;  but  Jessamie,  who  had  seen  the  last 
part  of  it,  had  to  join  in  with  the  rest  o'  the  crowd  an'  have 
a  laugh. 

Bill  refused  to  eat  unless  we  could  have  a  private  dinin' 
room.  Not  on  Cupid's  account  neither ;  he  'd  got  civilized 
enough  to  stand  for  Cupid  bein'  treated  like  a  dog  by  this 
time;  but  it  was  me  he  was  scared  of,  an'  I  sensed  it,  an* 
refused  to  feed  with  him  at  all  unless  it  would  be  in  the 
main  mess  hall,  an'  Jessamie  voted  with  me;  so  Bill  had 
to  give  in. 

He  did  n't  want  to  make  the  contrast  too  strong,  so  he 
slid  into  a  dark  suit  instead  of  the  real  caper,  while  I 
wiggled  into  my  champagne  apron  an*  marched  in  like  I 

21 


322  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

was  a  foreign  delegate.  Well,  you  should  have  seen  Bill  — 
his  mouth  took  on  the  triangle  droop,  an'  his  lamps  was 
stretched  to  match.  I  was  entirely  at  home,  et  with  the 
right  forks,  joshed  the  waiters,  an'  when  my  friends  began 
to  drop  over  an'  pass  the  season's  greetings,  an'  I  presented 
'em  to  Bill  an'  Jessamie,  an'  Bill  saw  that  they  was  nothin' 
at  all  but  cream,  I  bet  you  a  tip  that  he  was  the  worst  locoed 
man  in  topsy-turvy  Frisco. 

We  had  a  hard  time  throwin'  the  gang  off  the  trail ;  but 
I  finally  sent  'em  over  to  the  Pampered  Pug  restaurant, 
while  I  took  Bill  an'  Jessamie  to  a  quiet  little  spot  to  hold 
our  own  reunion.  They  had  just  come  from  a  trip  around 
the  world  —  they  was  still  on  their  honeymoon,  in  fact ;  an' 
I  had  to  listen  to  a  heap  o'  Sunday-school  story  adventures 
'at  they  'd  been  havin'. 

After  a  while,  though,  I  nudged  Bill  back  to  the  Clarenden 
family  trail,  an'  he  said  'at  they  had  stopped  for  over  a 
month  with  his  friends  in  England,  an'  was  posted  up  to 
the  minute. 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  as  though  I  was  inquirin'  after  an  old  pal, 
"how's  the  Earl?" 

"They're  plumb  out  o'  earls  in  that  family,"  sez  Bill. 
"  The  old  one  's  dead  an'  they  've  hunted  high  an'  low  for 
the  strays  an'  can't  even  find  Richard." 

"  They  won't  need  him,"  sez  I.  "  The  younger  son  is 
still  in  good  order,  an'  when  the  proper  time  comes  I  '11 
spring  him  on  'em;  but  I  doubt  if  he  takes  the  job  after 
all." 

"  Confound  you,  Happy,"  sez  Bill,  "  I  never  can  tell 
whether  you  're  jokin'  or  not  on  this  subject.  Deuced  if  I 
ever  could  see  where  your  trail  could  have  junctioned  onto 
the  Clarenden  family." 


THE    CREOLE     BELLE  323 

"  Son,"  sez  I,  "  I  'm  a  store-house  o'  knowledge,  an*  I  'm 
about  to  open  the  flood-gates  an'  pour  it  forth.  How  many 
Alice  LeMoynes  did  you  ever  happen  to  hear  of  ?  " 

"  Only  but  the  one,"  sez  Bill.  "  It  was  a  fake  name  prob 
ably,  an'  one  was  all  they  ever  struck  off  that  die.  What 
about  her?" 

"  Oh,  nothin'  much,"  sez  I,  "  only  a  stray  Englishman 
happened  to  pull  that  name  on  us  a  while  back,  an'  I  won 
dered  where  he  came  into  possession  of  it." 

"  You  got  somethin'  up  your  sleeve,"  sez  Bill,  who  was 
a  mite  too  observin'  at  times ;  "  what  is  it  you  want  to 
know?" 

"  Nothin'  at  all,"  sez  I ;   "  I  know  all  I  want  to  now." 

"What  kind  of  lookin'  feller  was  it?"  sez  Bill. 

"  Purty  harmless,"  sez  I ;  "  watery  blue  eyes,  fair  size, 
purty  good  lookin',  nice  manners,  book-talker,  owns  a  little 
ranch;  oh,  he  won't  set  no  important  rivers  on  fire." 

Bill  studied  awhile.     "  How  old  was  he  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  Why,  he  's  about  my  age,  in  years,"  sez  I. 

"  It  might  be  Richard  —  if  Lord  James  is  still  alive,  Rich 
ard  is  the  heir  apparent,"  sez  Bill.  "  How  long  have  you 
known  o'  this  feller  ?  " 

"  Oh,  this  ain't  Richard,"  sez  I.  "  He  ain't  got  epolepsy 
nor  insanity ;  he  's  just  stingy  an'  stupid." 

"  How  do  you  know  he  ain't  got  epolepsy  ?  "  sez  Bill. 

"  'Cause  he  don't  bark  like  a  dog  nor  froth  at  the  mouth, 
nor  he  ain't  afraid  o'  water,"  sez  I. 

"  You  're  thinkin'  o'  hydrophobia,"  sez  Bill.  "  Epolepsy 
is  sort  o'  fits." 

"  Well,  by  gum,  he  did  have  one  fit !  "  sez  I. 

"What  kind?"  sez  Bill. 

"  Why,  I  worked  a  trick  on  him,  an'  he  stiffened  out  an* 


324  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

his  eyes  got  set,  an'  he  was  the  sickenest  lookin'  human  I 
ever  met  up  with,"  sez  I. 

"  That 's  it !  "  sez  Bill,  "  an'  you  say  he  knew  about  Alice 
LeMoyne?" 

"  That 's  what  give  him  the  fit,"  sez  I. 

"  I  bet  it 's  Richard,"  sez  Bill.  "  This  will  make  a  story 
for  me,  an'  you  can  work  things  for  the  reward.  Where 
is  he?" 

"  Say,  you  come  along  with  me  to  the  Diamond  Dot,"  sez 
I.  "  Things  are  goin'  to  happen  promiscuous  up  there  after 
a  bit,  an'  you  don't  want  to  miss  it.  Never  mind  about  the 
reward.  I  'm  goin'  to  handle  this  affair  just  as  if  the'  was  n't 
such  a  thing  on  earth  as  the  Clarenden  family." 

"  You  make  me  tired,"  sez  Bill ;  it  allus  was  spurs  to  him 
to  cut  him  out  of  a  secret.  "  You  try  to  pertend  'at  you  're 
nothin'  short  of  a  world  power;  but  I  bet  you're  just 
flim-flammin'." 

"  Nothin'  'at  Happy  Hawkins  'd  do  would  surprise  me," 
sez  Jessamie.  "  Now  that  I  've  seen  him  in  a  dress  suit, 
hob-nobbin'  with  the  bun-tong,  I  'm  prepared  for  anything." 
She  was  a  good  feller  all  right. 

Well,  we  chatted  along  a  while,  an'  they  told  me  that  they 
wanted  to  see  Frisco  an'  the  Yosemite  Valley,  an'  then  would 
head  for  Colonel  Scott's,  where  it  'd  be  handy  to  drop  over 
to  the  Diamond  Dot  at  any  time. 

"  Well,"  sez  I,"  "  I  '11  write  you  some  letters  of  introduc 
tion  to  a  few  o'  my  friends  here,  an'  mebbe  after  you  've 
seen  Frisco,  all  you  '11  want  will  be  rest  —  just  plain,  simple 
rest ;  less'n  your  ruggeder  built  than  me." 

So  sure  enough  I  wrote  'em  a  parcel  o'  letters,  pickin' 
out  about  the  most  persistent  spenders  the  town  could  show, 
an'  it  made  me  laugh  when  I  pictured  Bill  tryin'  to  lug  home 


THE    CREOLE    BELLE  325 

the  list  o'  stuff  they  'd  load  him  up  with.  I  packed  up  for 
the  early  train,  an'  then  as  it  was  n't  worth  while  to  waste 
the  handful  o'  minutes  left  o'  that  night,  I  got  back  into  my 
workin'  togs  an'  went  out  for  one  last  Turkish  bath.  I  'm 
mighty  partial  to  Turkish  baths,  an'  I  wanted  to  let  'em 
know  that  I  was  perfectly  sober  at  least  one  night  o'  my 
visit. 

It  was  gray  dawn  when  I  came  out  o'  the  buildin',  an' 
even  in  Frisco  that 's  a  shivery  period.  In  spite  of  me 
holdin'  all  the  good  cards  in  the  deck,  an'  knowin'  just  about 
how  I  was  goin'  to  play  'em,  I  was  lonely  an'  down-hearted 
there  in  the  dawning.  All  I  wanted  was  Barbie's  happiness, 
an'  I  was  goin'  to  give  it  to  her  full  measure  an'  nairy  a 
whimper;  but  if  it  could  just  have  been  my  home-comin' 
instead  of  what  I  was  goin'  to  do,  that  would  light  up  her 
world  for  her,  I  reckon  I  could  have  floivn  all  the  way  back 
to  the  Diamond  Dot. 

I  turned  a  corner  an'  came  face  to  face  on  Piker.  He  was 
lookin'  downcast  an'  harried,  an'  I  bought  him  a  drink.  He 
had  told  me  where  Jim  was,  an'  I  did  n't  try  to  forget  it. 
I  sat  down  an'  talked  to  him  an'  tried  to  soften  his  crust  an* 
get  him  to  agree  to  make  a  new  try-out  o'  life. 

He  finally  got  purty  mellow  an'  told  me  some  o'  the  steps 
down  which  he  had  stumbled,  an'  how  slippery  the  'd  been 
when  he  'd  tried  to  climb  back.  I  confided  to  him  a  lot  o'  my 
own  mishaps,  an'  he  got  purty  near  up  to  the  mourner's 
bench,  when  all  of  a  sudden  he  gets  bitter.  "  You  're  just 
like  all  the  rest,"  sez  he,  "  you  make  all  kinds  of  allowance 
for  a  good  lookin',  proud  sort,  like  Silver  Dick ;  but  a  feller 
like  me  —  you  allus  give  the  verdict  again  a  feller  like  me, 
an'  you  know  it." 

"  Dick  ain't  been  no  saint,  I  know,"  sez  I ;   "  but  at  least 


326  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

he  was  out  in  the  open,  while  I  can't  quite  get  over  that 
knee-gun  you  wore." 

"  Out  in  the  open,  was  he  ? "  sez  Piker,  with  a  leer. 
"  Did  n't  he  get  to  your  ranch  an'  try  to  land  the  daughter 
o'  the  boss  —  an'  him  a  married  man  all  the  time !  " 

I  reached  across  the  table  an'  got  him  by  the  collar,  jerked 
him  to  me,  an'  flopped  him  face  up  across  the  table.  "  You 
lie,"  sez  I.  He  shook  his  head,  an'  I  felt  a  cold  streak  hit 
my  heart. 

I  loosened  up  on  him  an'  let  him  set  up,  an'  he  said  'at 
Silver  Dick  was  married  to  the  woman  at  Laramie,  an'  he 
knew  it.  I  tried  to  bluff  him  out  of  it,  but  he  stuck  to  it, 
finally  sayin'  that  I  had  him,  an'  could  finish  him  if  I  wanted 
to ;  but  that  it  was  the  God's  truth,  an'  he  'd  stick  to  it. 

As  I  looked  into  his  eyes  I  knew  beyond  a  doubt  that  he 
was  dealin'  straight ;  an'  as  my  plans  toppled  over  an'  came 
tumblin'  about  me,  I  felt  like  walkin'  down  to  the  dock  an' 
endin'  it  all.  But  this  passed  in  a  flash ;  it  was  n't  my  turn 
yet  to  think  of  myself.  There  was  little  Barbie  with  the 
two  serpents  creepin'  toward  her,  an'  my  place  was  at  her 
side  till  the  fight  was  fairly  won. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-EIGHT 

THE   DAY   OF   THE    WEDDING 

I  HAD  struck  the  Diamond  Dot  in  a  tol'able  wide  variety  o' 
moods ;  but  I  never  felt  like  I  did  the  mornin'  I  came  back 
to  ditch  Barbie's  weddin'.  I  knew  'at  the  chances  were  'at 
I  'd  break  her  heart ;  but  I  had  only  one  course  open,  an' 
I  did  n't  intend  to  waver.  I  had  gone  on  through  to  Lar- 
amie,  an'  had  found  'at  Silver  Dick's  wife  was  still  there, 
livin'  her  locked-in  life.  Then  I  came  on  back  through 
Danders  to  Webb  Station,  where  I  hired  a  feller  to  drive 
me  to  within  a  mile  o'  the  ranch  house.  All  he  knew  was 
that  the  weddin'  was  to  come  off  in  three  weeks. 

Jabez  an'  Barbie  was  both  glad  to  see  me ;  but  I  did  n't 
make  much  explanation  for  leavin'  without  notice,  an'  I 
did  n't  tell  all  about  my  trip.  Just  told  'em  about  my  ex 
perience  as  a  knight  an'  on  the  boat  an'  such.  Barbie  was 
purty  thin  an'  a  little  under  color;  but  her  grit  was  still 
keyed  up  to  full  tone.  I  had  a  good  long  talk  with  her  that 
very  afternoon,  tellin'  her  that  I  had  found  out  a  lot  o'  stuff 
about  the  remnant  she  was  thinkin'  o'  marryin',  an'  tried  to 
get  her  to  test  him  out  an'  find  out  where  he  'd  come  from 
an'  what  he  was;  but  she  seemed  numb,  an'  told  me  that 
she  would  not  think  it  friendly  if  I  said  anything  evil  against 
the  man  she  had  to  marry.  I  could  n't  understand  her,  she 
did  n't  seem  like  the  same  old  Barbie ;  but  the  more  I  hinted 
the  more  froze-up  she  got,  so  I  dropped  it. 

Then  I  told  her  that  I  had  found  out  that  Dick  was  even 
worse  'n  this  one ;   an'  she  opened  up  on  me  an'  we  had  a 


328  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

purty  square-off  talkin'  match.  She  would  n't  listen  to  me, 
an'  she  wouldn't  pay  any  heed  to  my  suggestions;  an'  I 
was  consid'able  out  of  patience.  I  was  afraid  if  I  turned 
her  again  Dick  she  might  marry  this  Hawthorn  thing,  an' 
if  I  turned  her  again  him  too  soon  she  might  run  off  with 
Dick  on  the  rebound;  so  I  was  purty  much  hobbled,  an' 
made  a  botch  of  it.  Finally  she  turned  on  me.  "  We  've 
been  good  pals,  Happy,"  sez  she,  "  an'  we  '11  be  good  pals 
again  some  day ;  but  you  're  not  playin'  square  now  —  I 
can  tell  by  your  actions.  I  almost  believe  'at  what  you  're 
tryin'  to  do  is  to  —  "  she  stopped  with  her  face  red  as  fire. 

"  Well,  say  it,"  sez  I. 

"  Is  to  marry  me  yourself,"  she  blurted  out. 

I  didn't  say  anything  for  a  long  time.  I  made  every 
allowance  for  her,  an'  I  knew  'at  some  one  had  threw  it  in 
her  face,  'cause  this  was  n't  one  of  her  own  brand  o' 
thoughts ;  but  I  'm  not  all  horn  an'  bone,  an'  when  I  saw 
that  she  intended  to  go  her  own  gait  I  made  up  my  mind 
that  she  'd  know  at  the  end  of  the  course  that  she  might 
have  saved  herself  several  hard  bumps. 

"  Barbie,"  I  sez,  an'  at  my  voice  she  turned  her  face  an* 
looked  a  little  frightened,  "  I  ain't  denyin'  that  I  'd  rather 
marry  you  than  be  sure  of  gettin'  into  Heaven ;  but  I  want 
you  to  remember  one  thing,  an'  that  is  that  if  I  ever  do 
marry  you  it  will  be  because  you  ask  me  to  yourself." 

We  rode  side  by  side  back  to  the  ranch  house,  an'  her 
head  was  n't  held  an  inch  higher  than  mine  nor  her  lips  shut 
a  grain  tighter.  I  was  willin'  to  be  used  for  a  bumper ;  but 
I  could  n't  stand  everything  even  when  I  knew  'at  she  'd 
been  hounded  beyond  endurance.  From  that  on  Barbie  was 
some  cool  to  me ;  but  I  was  n't  there  for  a  vacation,  I  had  a 
duty  to  perform. 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    329 

Poor  little  Barbie,  she  did  n't  act  much  like  a  bride  elect. 
Jabez  wanted  a  weddin'  that  would  be  the  talk  for  years; 
but  Barbie  said  no,  that  she  felt  more  like  a  widder  than  a 
maid,  an'  she  did  n't  take  much  stock  in  turnin'  a  second 
weddin'  into  a  circus.  I  didn't  say  nothin'.  The  ol'  man 
did  n't  contrary  her  much  them  days,  so  he  dropped  the  sub 
ject;  but  he  sent  all  the  way  to  Frisco  for  a  store-full  o' 
fixin's  an'  a  couple  o'  women  to  engineer  the  construction 
of  'em. 

A  full  week  passed  without  me  hearin'  from  Dick,  an1 
then  I  telegraphed  to  the  Governor.  I  waited  at  Webb  Sta 
tion  till  I  got  the  answer.  He  said  'at  he  had  give  Dick  my 
letter  an'  that  he  had  left  two  days  before.  That  kept  me  on 
edge,  'cause  I  wanted  to  see  him  when  he  first  arrived ;  so 
I  kept  a  couple  o'  the  boys  watchin'  each  road;  but  day 
after  day  dragged  around  until  I  got  desperate.  For  all  I 
knew  Silver  Dick  had  enough  black  blood  in  him  to  take 
advantage  of  me  an'  just  fly  his  kite.  He  might  have  got 
news  from  England  too,  an'  all  in  all  I  was  agitated. 

Two  days  before  the  ceremony  was  scheduled  I  gave  him 
up  an'  made  a  run  to  Laramie.  I  was  n't  sure  just  what  I 
would  do,  but  I  was  minded  to  get  all  the  evidence  I  could. 
I  tried  to  get  speech  with  Dick's  wife,  but  she  wouldn't 
pay  any  heed  to  my  knocks,  an'  finally  the  lights  in  the 
house  went  out.  I  scented  trouble;  so  when  a  couple  o' 
men  pounced  onto  the  place  where  I  'd  just  stood  they  found 
me  immejetly  behind  'em,  an'  I  rapped  'em  on  the  heads 
before  they  could  express  a  sound.  I  heard  a  noise  at  the 
keyhole  an'  I  whispered  in,  "  If  you  want  to  save  the  life  o' 
Silver  Dick,  open  the  door." 

I  waited  a  minute  an'  then  the  door  opened  an  inch,  but  a 
chain  kept  it  from  goin'  any  wider.  A  woman's  coarse 


330  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

voice  sez,  "  What  do  ya  want  ?  "  I  could  n't  believe  that 
this  was  the  woman,  so  I  sez,  "  I  want  to  speak  to  the  other 
woman,  an'  it 's  got  to  be  done  quick." 

Presently  a  soft,  gentle  voice  sez,  "  What  is  it?  " 

"  Silver  Dick  is  in  the  Texas  penitentiary,  sentenced  to 
be  hanged  for  a  murder  committed  there  in  April  four  years 
ago.  He  '11  be  hanged  a  week  from  to-morrow  night  if 
some  one  don't  make  a  plea  for  him.  It  takes  a  woman  to 
do  such  a  job  as  this  —  are  you  game?  " 

"  Why,  he  could  n't  have  done  it,"  sez  she.  "  He  was 
here  all  that  spring." 

"  Are  you  willin'  to  swear  to  it  ?  "  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  want  to  appear  in  public  —  but  of  course 
I  will,  if  the'  ain't  no  other  way." 

"  You  won't  have  to  if  you  '11  come  with  me  to-night. 
The  Governor  of  Texas  is  up  here  on  a  huntin'  trip ;  he  '11 
be  at  a  party  to-morrow  night ;  all  you  '11  need  to  do  is  to 
wait  in  a  room  where  I  '11  hide  you  until  he  gets  into  a 
meller  mood  —  I  know  him  well  —  an'  then  I  '11  bring  him 
to  you  an'  you  make  a  plea  for  him.  You  can  be  his  wife 
or  his  mother  or  daughter  —  or  anything  you  wish." 

"  I  '11  go,"  sez  she,  in  a  quiet  tone,  an'  I  breathed  free ; 
an'  as  soon  as  she  opened  the  door  I  dragged  the  two  men 
inside.  They  were  Greasers,  the  same  as  the  old  woman 
what  had  first  talked  to  me;  an'  I  turned  'em  over  to  her 
an'  took  the  woman  with  the  soft  voice  down  to  the  train 
by  a  back  street.  She  still  wore  a  heavy  veil,  an'  I  never 
looked  at  her  —  not  right  straight  —  but  I  could  see  that  she 
walked  with  her  feet  an'  held  her  head  on  the  top  of  her 
neck ;  so  I  was  purty  certain  that  if  Dick  did  return  an'  try 
to  finish  the  weddin'  as  the  star  performer  she  'd  give  us  an 
interestin'  exhibition. 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    331 

Spider  Kelley  was  at  the  station  when  I  got  off  the  train. 
I  turned  the  woman  over  to  him,  tellin'  him  to  bring  her 
out  so  as  to  arrive  the  evenin'  of  the  weddin',  not  to  talk 
to  her,  an'  not  to  let  Dick  see  her  should  he  chance  to  come 
back  that  way;  but  to  smuggle  her  into  the  office  as  soon 
as  preparations  for  the  ceremony  got  started.  I  still  half 
looked  for  Dick,  but  I  thought  I  had  things  blocked  out, 
no  matter  what  turned  up,  an'  I  flopped  on  my  hoss  an'  rode 
him  at  about  his  best. 

Everything  around  the  house  was  whirlin'  with  prepara 
tion  ;  but  Barbie  was  about  the  palest  lookin'  bride  'at  ever 
got  ready  to  toe  the  scratch,  I  reckon.  The  Hawthorn 
critter  had  stayed  over  at  his  own  ranch  for  the  last  week, 
an'  Barbie  would  n't  'a'  had  no  search-warrant  swore  out  if 
he  had  sent  over  word  that  it  looked  so  good  to  him  that  he 
had  decided  to  continue  to  remain  there  for  a  million  years. 

The  guests  had  arrived  plenty  early,  an'  whenever  Barbie 
would  stumble  on  to  a  bunch  of  'em  she  would  head  up  an' 
get  right  rompy  again.  We  had  about  a  ton  o'  stuff  cooked, 
'cause  we  was  tol'able  thoroughly  experienced  on  the  neigh 
bors.  Folks  out  our  way  ain't  nowise  uppity  about  such 
matters.  All  you  need  to  do  is  to  hint  that  a  little  celebra 
tion  is  goin'  to  be  pulled  off  an'  you  can  count  on  their  pres 
ence  ;  an'  if  so  be  'at  you  've  forgot  anybody's  invite,  why 
like  as  not  they  '11  hear  about  it  anyway  an'  be  on  hand  in 
plenty  o'  time.  The  weddin'  was  scheduled  for  Wednesday 
evenin'  at  eight  thirty ;  but  by  Sunday  the  house  was  full 
an'  the  grounds  looked  like  an  Injun  camp-meetin'. 

Jabez  intended  to  give  Barbie  the  full  penalty;  none  o' 
your  squires  for  him,  nothin'  but  Friar  Tuck,  who  was  one 
o'  these  here  Episcolopian  preachers  what  sport  a  full  regalia 
an'  a  book  o'  tactics  calculated  to  meet  any  complication  a 


332  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

human  bein'  is  apt  to  veer  into.  Some  say  they  're  just 
Roman  Catholics,  gone  Republican,  an'  some  say  that  they  're 
the  ones  who  started  the  first  strike  —  I  don't  know  much 
about  it  myself. 

He  had  n't  arrived  by  seven  o'clock,  but  we  did  n't  worry 
none;  he  might  have  had  to  come  fifty  miles,  an'  he  never 
had  any  time  to  waste. 

We'd  had  a  sort  o'  light  supper  at  four  o'clock,  an'  it 
was  intended  to  have  the  weddin'  feast  after  the  performance 
was  finished.  It  was  just  eight  o'clock  when  Friar  Tuck 
swung  off  his  pony  an'  as  many  of  the  crowd  as  could 
gathered  in  the  big  dinin'  room  an'  waited  for  the  words 
to  be  said.  Spider  Kelley  came  an'  told  me  that  he  had 
locked  the  woman  in  the  office,  an'  that  she  was  behavin'  her 
self  reasonable,  so  I  knew  'at  the  finish  was  n't  far  off.  The 
tables  an'  chairs  had  been  taken  out,  the  intention  bein'  to 
dance  in  the  store-room  after  the  ceremony,  an'  while  the 
dancin'  was  goin'  on  to  set  the  banquet  in  the  dinin'  room. 
Oh,  it  was  all  planned  out  like  a  theater  show:  Jabez  had 
a  full  orchestra  too,  three  fiddlers,  a  guitarist,  an'  a  fifer; 
an'  they  begun  to  play  solemn  music,  like  they  allus  do  at 
a  weddin'.  It 's  a  toss-up  which  is  the  most  touchin',  a 
weddin'  or  a  funeral,  —  a  feller  's  takin'  a  mighty  long  shot 
at  either  one. 

The  whole  crowd  was  on  edge,  but  myself  was  strained 
to  the  breakin'  point.  Just  as  the  old  clock  struck  the  half 
hour  the  orchestra  pealed  forth  a  march,  an'  they  all  came 
struttin'  in,  slow  an'  stately  an'  top-heavy,  accordin'  to  the 
city  way.  Jabez  was  in  a  brand-new  suit  o'  black  store 
clothes,  an'  had  a  mighty  proud  look  on  his  face;  he  was 
wearin'  gloves  too.  Barbie  was  a-leanin'  on  his  arm,  an'  she 
was  wearin'  a  dress  'at  would  'a'  made  some  o'  the  queens 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    333 

crane  their  necks  a  bit,  I  reckon.  Hawthorn  had  his  nerve 
with  him,  an'  wore  a  low-necked  vest  an'  a  droop-tailed  coat. 
I  had  my  own  rig  like  this  hid  away  in  the  stallion  stable; 
so  it  did  n't  jar  me  none ;  but  some  o'  the  boys  had  a  hard 
time  chokin'  back  their  grins.  It  was  the  first  weddin'  I  had 
ever  seen  where  the  groom  had  n't  wore  a  silk  handkerchief 
around  his  neck. 

They  all  met  in  front  o'  Friar  Tuck,  who  was  standin' 
under  a  tissha  paper  bell  with  about  four  miles  o'  ribbon 
tied  to  it.  I  could  n't  see  Barbie's  face  on  account  o'  the 
veil  she  was  wearin' ;  but  she  held  her  head  high,  an'  I 
knew  she  was  ready  to  take  all  the  jumps  without  balkin'. 
The  Friar  had  one  o'  these  voices  'at  never  seem  to  say  an 
idle  word,  an'  the  room  got  as  still  as  though  it  was  a  trial 
for  life ;  which  ain't  so  mighty  far  off  the  mark,  that  bein' 
the  usual  sentence,  an'  out  our  way  we  don't  count  it  game 
to  get  pardoned  out  for  a  new  trial. 

I  was  on  pins  an'  needles  durin'  the  openin',  but  Friar 
Tuck  boomed  along  until  he  arrived  at  the  part  where  it  sez : 
"If  any  man  knows  just  cause  why  this  here  couple  should 
not  be  joined  together  in  holy  wedlock  let  him  make  his 
kick  right  now,  or  forever  after  hold  his  peace."  The 
room  was  as  still  as  the  grave,  an'  I  had  just  taken  a  full 
breath,  so  that  I  could  make  a  clean  throw,  when  a  deep 
voice  at  the  back  of  the  room  sez :  "  I  think  that  I  know  a 
cause.  I  don't  believe  the  girl  is  doin'  this  of  her  own  free 
will." 

We  all  whirled  around,  an'  there  stood  Silver  Dick. 
Dusty  he  was  an'  travel-stained ;  but  as  he  loomed  up, 
straight  an'  tall,  he  certainly  did  look  like  a  man.  His  beard 
was  gone,  his  face  was  pale  with  a  sort  of  unnatural  white 
ness,  an'  he  was  ganted  down  in  weight  a  little;  but  all  the 


334  H  A  P  P  Y    H  A  W  K  I  N  S 

same  he  put  up  a  great  front  as  he  stood  with  his  hands  on 
his  hips,  his  head  thrown  back,  an'  a  grim  smile  on  his  face. 

Quick  as  a  flash  the  ol'  man,  who  had  half  expected  this, 
pulls  a  gun  out  of  his  pocket  an'  drops  it  on  Dick,  while  the 
crowd  politely  splits  apart  to  give  'em  a  fair  show.  Barbie 
had  settled  back,  an'  I  caught  her  in  my  arms  an'  held  her 
a  moment ;  but  all  the  time  my  eyes  were  on  Dick  as  though 
I  'd  been  charmed. 

Never  in  my  life  have  I  seen  such  a  figger  of  a  man  as 
him,  as  he  stood  there  alone  an'  unfriended.  His  hat  was 
tilted  back  a  bit,  an'  his  short  wavey  hair  rippled  across  his 
forehead,  his  mustache  had  been  shaved  off  and  his  lips  some 
how  reminded  me  of  the  muzzle  of  a  gun,  they  was  that  firm  ; 
while  his  eyes  —  man,  he  had  the  greatest  eyes  in  the  world. 
Blue  steel  they  was,  but  never  for  a  moment  free  from  some 
hidden  fire.  When  he  smiled  they  danced ;  when  he  frowned 
they  blazed ;  but  to-night  the'  was  a  new  darin'  in  'em,  —  a 
confidence,  a  purpose,  an'  a  strength  that  defied  Death 
himself. 

He  had  changed  a  heap  since  we  'd  seen  him  last.  His 
face  was  as  smooth  as  a  woman's,  his  hands  were  white, 
an'  his  clothes  looked  like  picture  clothes  out  of  a  book. 
He  did  n't  speak  for  some  time,  an'  then  he  said :  "  Is  your 
gun  broke,  Mr.  Judson,  or  do  you  think  it  would  be  only 
the  square  thing  to  talk  things  over  first  ?  I  think  I  can  in 
terest  you.  I  am  not  armed;  perhaps  you  would  be  more 
comfortable  if  you  lowered  your  gun  until  you  were  ready 
to  shoot." 

The'  was  a  sting  in  his  slow,  sarcastic  tone,  an'  a  scowl 
came  over  Jabez'  face;  but  he  lowered  his  gun  just  the 
same.  I  did  n't  want  to  soften  any  toward  Dick  so  I  had 
to  keep  grittin'  my  teeth  as  I  watched  him,  'cause  blufBn'  a 


THE     DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    335 

man  like  Cast  Steel,  armed  an'  ready,  was  a  stirrin'  sight,  an* 
Dick  looked  as  if  he  had  the  backin'  of  an  army. 

"  Mr.  Judson,"  sez  Dick,  "  when  I  left  here  your  daughter 
was  promised  to  marry  me,  an'  I  promised  to  write  as 
often  as  possible;  but  after  I  started  in  to  clean  up  my 
record  I  was  denied  the  privilege  of  writin'.  I  am  here 
now,  with  my  record  clean;  the'  ain't  no  spot  on  this 
earth  where  I  don't  feel  free  to  go  —  an'  now  I  claim  her 
hand." 

"  Claim  her  hand,  do  ya  ?  "  sez  Jabez,  with  a  wicked  leer. 
"Well,  you  allus  was  better  at  claimin'  than  at  gettin'.  I 
don't  want  to  sadden  my  daughter's  weddin'  night,  but  if 
you  ain't  minded  to  go  your  way  peaceable  I  '11  have  to  spoil 
ya." 

"  Barbie,"  sez  Dick,  an'  his  voice  was  meller  as  a  flute, 
"  don't  ya  love  me  no  more  ?  " 

She  raised  her  head  an'  looked  at  him,  but  she  could  n't 
speak,  so  she  only  nodded  her  head. 

"  Will  ya  marry  me  ?  "  sez  Dick,  an'  we  all  waited  a  long 
time  for  the  answer. 

Once  or  twice  she  tried  it,  before  her  voice  finally  got 
back  to  her.  "  Dick,"  she  sez,  "  I  waited  for  ya  a  long  time, 
an'  I  never  heard  from  you ;  so  I  thought  'at  you  had  either 
forgot  me  or  else  you  were  —  were  no  longer  living ;  an'  — 
oh,  Dick,  you  have  no  idee  how  hard  it  has  been  for  me. 
You  can't  imagine  how  often  I  refused,  nor  what  a  lonely 
life  I  was  forced  to  live;  but  I  've  never  ceased  to  love  you, 
an'  I  allus  told  'em  so.  Now  I  am  half  married  to  another 
man ;  an'  I  don't  see  what  we  can  do." 

"  Well,  I  see  what  we  can  do !  "  blurts  out  Jabez,  raisin' 
his  gun  again.  "  We  can  go  right  on  with  this  ceremony. 
You  have  give  your  word,  an'  the  word  of  a  Judson  is 


336  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

bindin'.     As   for   you,   you   sneakin'   card-sharp,   I  '11   give 
you  just  ten  to  state  your  intentions." 

Jabez  started  to  count  slow  an'  steady  with  his  left  fore 
finger,  while  he  held  his  gun  above  his  right  shoulder  ready 
for  the  drop.  His  face  was  white  an'  his  eyes  blazed  like 
live  coals.  The'  was  no  time  to  waste  now ;  Dick  had  a  card 
up  his  sleeve,  an'  this  was  his  chance  to  take  the  trick,  or 
he  'd  spoil  my  own  game.  The  room  was  so  still  it  hurt 
you  to  breathe.  Somebody  sneezed,  an'  it  sounded  like  a 
boiler  explosion. 

"  Judson,"  sez  Dick,  an'  he  was  smilin'  now ;  but  it  was 
the  chillin'  smile  I  had  first  seen  durin'  the  card  game.  It 
wasn't  a  pleasant  smile.  "Judson,  I  did  not  cheat  durin' 
that  game,  an'  I  never  did  cheat,  although  gamblin'  was  my 
business.  You  have  become  a  fanatic  on  the  subject  o' 
truth;  an'  I  propose  to  tell  you  some.  You  are  a  bully; 
you  have  bullied  this  girl  in  order  to  make  her  consent; 
and  you  are  a  coward,  a  miserable  coward.  Any  man  afraid 
of  his  own  past  is  a  coward ;  and  your  past  stands  back  of 
you  like  a  ghost,  doggin'  your  steps  awake,  an'  hauntin'  your 
dreams  'sleep.  You  preach  the  truth;  but  your  entire  life 
is  one  black  —  " 

"  Stop !  "  yells  Jabez,  holdin'  his  hand  over  his  heart,  but 
gettin'  the  drop  on  Dick,  although  his  face  looked  like  the 
face  of  a  man  long  dead.  "  Say  another  word  an'  a  bullet 
will  drive  it  back  through  your  teeth." 

"  All  right,"  sez  Dick,  still  smilin'  his  cruel,  hard  smile ; 
"  but  you  have  only  counted  up  to  five,  an'  you  gave  me  ten. 
You  're  surely  honest  enough  to  stick  to  your  own  agree 
ment.  Begin  to  count  now,  while  I  start  the  tale  about  Jack 
Whitman  an'  the  Creole  Belle  —  " 

When  Dick  mentioned  the  name  o'  Jack  Whitman  both  o' 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    337 

Jabez'  arms  fell  to  his  side;  an'  when  Dick  spoke  o'  the 
Creole  Belle  his  legs  shut  together  like  a  pocket  knife;  an' 
he  crumpled  down  on  a  little  padded  bench  they  had  fixed 
up  to  kneel  on.  His  face  was  gray,  an'  his  eyes  had  a  scum 
over  'em,  while  his  mouth  hung  open  like  the  mouth  of  a 
man  dyin'  of  old  age.  Barbie  gave  a  low,  waverin'  call: 
"  Oh,  what  have  you  done,  oh,  Dick !  Daddy,  Daddy ; 
what 's  the  matter,  Dad  ?  " 

She  jumped  to  his  side,  an'  after  tearin'  off  her  veil  she 
knelt  at  his  feet;  but  he  drew  his  hands  feebly  away,  an' 
refused  to  touch  her;  while  a  look  of  sorrow  —  sorrow  an' 
pain  an'  shame,  swept  across  his  old  gray  face,  an'  his  lips 
trembled  so  'at  he  could  n't  talk. 

I  glanced  at  Silver  Dick ;  he  stood  there  with  his  lips  set 
tight,  his  eyes  cold  an'  hard,  an'  I  knew  'at  he  was  ready 
to  make  his  kill,  cost  what  it  would. 

"  Oh,  Daddy,"  pleaded  Barbie,  "  don't  look  this  way.  Tell 
me  what  it  is  all  about.  Don't  turn  away  from  me,  Dad; 
I  don't  care  what  it  is,  or  whether  it  is  true  or  false  —  I  am 
ready  to  forgive  you,  an'  to  love  you.  Look  at  me,  Daddy, 
I  care  more  for  you  than  for  any  one  else  in  the  whole 
world. 

"  Yes,"  she  sez,  standin'  up  an'  flashin'  a  look  into  Dick's 
eyes  as  fierce  as  they  had  ever  shot  themselves.  "  Yes,  an' 

if  you  think  to  win  me  by  strikin'  down  my  old  Dad,  why 

we  have  both  been  mistaken,  an'  I  despise  you !  " 

Silver  looked  as  though  she  had  struck  him  in  the  face 
with  a  whip ;  the  hot  blood  swept  up  to  his  hair,  an'  then 
left  him  ghastly  white  again ;  while  she  put  her  hand  on  the 
olf  man's  shoulder  an'  looked  like  an  eagle  protectin'  her 
brood.  I  looked  around  for  Hawthorn,  who  had  become 
entirely  forgotten.  Gee!  how  I  envied  him  his  chance  just 


22 


338  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

then;  but  there  he  stood,  lookin'  like  a  white  rabbit  bein* 
tried  for  murder.  The  girl  looked  at  him  too,  gave  him 
one  long  scornful  look;  then  she  looked  back  at  Silver, 
standin'  all  alone  like  the  statue  of  a  king;  an'  then  she 
looked  up  at  me.  "  Happy,"  she  sez,  "  you  never  failed  me 
yet.  Clear  this  room  —  clear  it  of  every  one  but  just 
ourselves." 

"  Clear  the  room,"  I  yells.  "  Come,  friends,  this  is  the 
time  to  step  lively.  You  can  go  into  the  store-room  an' 
dance  if  you  want  to,  but  the  weddin'  has  been  postponed." 

They  filed  out  in  good  order,  all  except  Dick,  Friar  Tuck, 
an'  Hawthorn.  Hawthorn  stood  leanin'  again  the  wall, 
lookin'  at  Dick  as  though  he  was  seein'  a  ghost.  I  tapped 
him  on  the  shoulder.  "  Git !  "  I  sez,  "  your  number  did  n't 
win  nothin'."  He  gives  a  start,  then  down  on  the  floor  he 
flops  with  his  eyes  turned  in  an'  his  mouth  frothin'  a  little. 
Friar  Tuck  straightened  him  out  an'  began  to  rub  his  hands ; 
an'  I  turned  to  Dick. 

"  Now,  it 's  your  turn  to  go,"  I  sez:  "  I  'd  advise  you  to 
go  clear  to  England,  where  you  '11  find  good  news." 

He  came  toward  me  as  if  he  did  n't  see  me,  an'  when  he 
reached  me  he  said :  "  You  better  go  along  too,  Happy.  I 
want  to  talk  to  them  alone." 

"  Jim,"  I  said,  usin'  the  old  name,  "  I  don't  want  to  do 
you  harm.  This  game  is  up ;  you  'd  better  go  along 
peaceable." 

He  looked  at  me  a  moment  in  surprise,  an'  then  his  face 
got  haughty,  an'  he  put  out  his  hand  to  push  me  aside.  I 
took  him  by  the  arm  an'  swung  him  over  against  the  wall. 
At  first  he  could  n't  seem  to  understand  that  I  was  in  ear 
nest,  an'  then  his  hand  shot  to  hip  an'  breast;  but  he  had 
spoke  the  truth,  he  was  n't  armed.  I  had  him  covered,  an' 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING     339 

he  sneered  into  my  face  without  speakin'.  I  walked  over 
an'  examined  him,  but  he  did  n't  have  even  a  knife.  I  did  n't 
have  the  heart  to  drive  him  forth  like  a  dog,  so  I  sez,  too  low 
for  the  rest  to  hear :  "  Jim,  I  know  the  double  life  you  've 
been  leadin' ;  but  you  can't  break  Barbie's  heart.  You  're 
a  married  man,  an'  I  know  it." 

"  You  lie,"  he  sez,  clear  an'  cold.  It  was  just  the  word 
I  needed. 

I  crossed  the  room  an'  laid  my  gun  on  a  chair,  an'  then 
I  turned  to  him.  "  We  're  equal  now,"  sez  I.  "  The  winner 
gets  the  gun." 

He  wasn't  as  strong  as  I  was,  quite;  an'  he  was  some 
out  o'  condition ;  but  he  had  had  trainin'  more  than  me,  an' 
for  a  few  minutes  he  stood  me  off;  an'  then  as  he  struck 
at  me  I  grabbed  his  wrist,  his  left  wrist,  with  my  right 
hand,  shot  it  in  close  to  his  body,  an'  clamped  it  behind  his 
back ;  while  I  got  his  throat  with  my  left.  Slowly  I  brought 
him  to  his  knees,  my  fingers  all  the  time  workin'  deeper 
into  his  throat,  while  his  right  kept  jabbin'  me  till  it  made 
me  grunt.  No  one  tried  to  interfere  at  first;  but  when  he 
got  too  weak  to  strike,  Barbie  said  sharply,  "  Happy  Haw 
kins,  stop  that  at  once !  " 

"  I  '11  stop  as  soon  as  he  promises  to  go  without  further 
trouble,"  sez  I. 

She  got  up  an'  came  across  the  room  to  us  like  a  flash,  an' 
seized  the  wrist  that  held  Jim's  throat.  "  Let  him  alone, 
Happy,"  she  said  fiercely. 

I  gave  him  a  little  push  that  sent  him  to  the  floor,  an'  then 
I  picked  up  my  gun.  Jim  rose  to  his  feet;  but  the  starch 
was  purty  well  taken  out  of  him,  an'  of  course  this  touched 
her  heart,  she  bein'  a  woman.  "  Are  you  hurt,  Dick  ?  "  she 
sez  sympathetic. 


340  HAPPY    HAW  KINS 

"  Yes,  I  'm  hurt,"  he  snaps  back,  glarin'  at  me ;  "  not  at 
what  he  's  done,  but  at  his  lies." 

"  It 's  no  lie,"  sez  I. 

"What  was  it?"  asked  Barbie  — of  Jim.  He  didn't 
answer  for  a  minute,  an'  when  he  did  his  voice  shook;  but 
he  looked  into  her  eyes  as  he  answered :  "  He  said  I  was 
married." 

Barbie  drew  away  with  a  sharp  gasp  an'  looked  at  him  in 
horror;  then  she  looked  at  me  with  her  face  all  drawn  up 
with  anguish.  "  I  tried  to  prepare  you  for  this  three  weeks 
ago,  Barbie,"  I  sez,  "  an'  you  —  you  know  what  you  threw 
in  my  face." 

"  Oh,  Happy,  Happy,"  she  whispered,  "  it 's  not  true,  it 's 
not  true  —  say  it 's  not  true !  " 

"  It  is  true,  Barbie,"  sez  I,  an'  she  gave  a  scream. 

"  It  is  not  true,"  sez  Dick,  an'  she  glanced  from  one  to 
the  other. 

"  I  can  prove  it  at  once,"  sez  I ;   "  she  's  here  to-night."   . 

"  Who?  "  asked  Dick  with  a  start. 

"  The  wife  you  left  in  Laramie,"  sez  I. 

"  Good  God,  you  have  n't  brought  her  here,  have  you ! " 
shouted  Dick,  an'  Barbie  gave  a  queer,  heart-broken  little 
laugh.  "  It 's  true,  it 's  true,"  she  sez.  "  You  have  con 
victed  yourself,  and  it 's  true.  Happy,"  —  she  went  on 
speakin'  to  me,  —  "  of  all  the  men  I  have  ever  known  you 
are  the  only  one  that  has  been  always  true  to  me.  You  said 
that  you  would  never  marry  me  unless  I  asked  you  to  — 
prove  to  me  that  this  man  is  already  married,  an'  I  '11  marry 
you.  I  '11  get  down  on  my  knees  an'  beg  you  to  marry  me. 
The  world  seems  full  of  wolves  an'  I  want  a  man  I  can 
trust." 

She  was  wild,  an'  the  look  in  her  eyes  frightened  me ;  but 


THE    DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING    341 

she  came  over  an'  put  her  hand  on  my  arm,  an'  said: 
"  Prove  it,  prove  it,  an'  then  let  us  go  away  together !  " 

"  She  's  out  in  the  office,"  sez  I.  "  Shall  I  bring  her  in 
here?" 

"  No,"  sez  Dick.  "  Happy,  for  heaven's  sake  don't  do 
anything  hasty." 

"  Bring  her  in,  bring  her  in  at  once !  "  sez  Barbie.  "  This 
is  my  wedding-day,  an'  my  father  wanted  it  to  be  the  talk 
of  the  whole  state.  Bring  her  in !  " 

Just  as  I  reached  the  door  it  opened,  an'  the  strange  woman 
came  in  with  old  Melisse,  who  was  makin'  queer  throaty 
noises  like  a  dog.  Her  veil  was  raised,  an'  I  stepped  back 
in  surprise.  She  was  an  elderly  woman  with  gray  hair, 
white  at  the  temples,  an'  dark  «yes  that  rested  for  a  moment 
on  Dick,  for  a  longer  second  on  Barbie,  an'  then  stopped 
when  they  met  the  starin'  eyes  of  ol'  Cast  Steel,  who  had 
staggered  to  his  feet. 

He  stood  there  with  his  hands  clutchin'  the  side  of  his 
head,  an'  his  lips  movin'  rapidly,  but  not  a  sound  comin' 
through  'em,  an'  then  his  knees  gave  way  beneath  him,  an* 
Friar  Tuck  eased  him  back  to  the  little  padded  bench.  The 
hands  of  the  strange  woman  were  clasped  on  her  breast; 
but  even  when  the  rest  of  us  started  for  Jabez  she  didn't 
move. 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-NINE 

THE  FINAL   RECKONING 

IT  hurts  me  inside  to  see  anything  plumb  beaten.  I  Ve 
hunted  a  lot,  an'  I  'm  as  keen  on  the  trail  as  a  terrier  dog, 
an'  durin'  the  fight  I  don't  have  no  disturbin'  shudders ;  but 
after  I  've  won  an'  I  see  the  light  of  joy  an'  hope  an'  free 
dom  fadin'  out  of  eyes  that  have  been  so  bright  an'  fearless, 
the'  's  allus  somethin'  'at  swells  inside  o'  my  breast  an'  makes 
me  half  sorry  'at  all  fights  can't  end  in  a  draw.  The'  's  one 
kind  of  nature  which  I  never  yet  was  able  to  figger  out,  an' 
that 's  the  nature  that  can  rub  it  in  on  a  fallen  foe. 

Poor  old  Jabez,  I  'd  judged  him  an'  I  'd  judged  him  harsh ; 
but  when  I  saw  him  go  to  pieces  there  on  the  padded  bench 
I  just  seemed  to  go  to  pieces  with  him.  When  I  saw  the 
strength  leave  him  like  the  steam  from  an  engine  as  the 
flood  reaches  its  fire-box ;  when  I  saw  the  hands  that  thought 
they  was  strong  enough  to  shape  the  future  danglin'  between 
his  crooked  knees,  an'  the  eyes  that  had  never  before  asked 
mercy  lookin'  up  glazed  an'  pitiful,  why,  it  felt  to  me  as  if 
I  was  just  tryin'  to  send  the  strength  out  of  my  own  body 
into  his.  Poor  ol'  Jabez,  he  was  cast  steel  to  the  finish,  no 
spring,  just  simply  rigid  an'  stiff,  till  at  last  he  broke. 

But  runnin'  the  universe  is  no  job  for  a  human;  every 
man  would  choose  to  look  his  best  when  he  's  to  meet  the 
one  woman ;  but  if  Jabez  had  still  been  standin'  like  a  rock 
an'  lookin'  out  at  the  world  through  eagle-eyes  the  woman 
at  the  door  would  n't  never  have  spoke  to  him.  When  she 
saw  him  tired  an'  broken  an'  heart-sick  of  life  itself,  the 


THE    FINAL    RECKONING      343 

mother  in  her  finally  tore  out  all  the  wrongs  o'  the  past,  an' 
she  crossed  the  room  an'  took  one  of  his  hands  an'  said, 
"  George,  you  must  n't  give  up,  you  must  n't  give  up  now." 

Barbie  was  holdin'  his  other  hand,  an'  the  ol'  man  looked 
first  from  one  to  the  other  while  big  tears  gathered  in  his 
open  eyes  an'  rolled  slowly  down  his  cheeks.  I  tell  you  it 
was  a  touchy  sight,  an'  I  was  sweatin'  like  a  fish  when  ol' 
Friar  Tuck  tip-toed  over  an'  put  one  hand  on  my  shoulder 
an'  the  other  on  Jim's,  an'  said :  "  They  '11  get  along  better 
without  us,  boys.  Let 's  just  step  outside  till  they  call  us." 

Oh,  I  tell  you  that  Friar  Tuck  was  a  sky-pilot  for  true! 
We  sneaked  stealthily  to  the  door,  passin'  ol'  Melisse  on  the 
way.  She  was  huddled  up  on  the  floor  prayin'  in  Spanish, 
an'  Friar  Tuck  rested  his  hand  on  her  head  a  second,  an' 
then  we  went  out  into  the  night  air  —  I  can  taste  my  first 
breath  of  it  yet. 

He  went  over  to  see  how  the  crowd  was  doin'  in  the  store 
room,  sayin'  that  he  thought  he  'd  get  some  eatin'-things 
under  way  to  sort  of  ease  the  strain  —  he  knew  a  human 
all  right,  the  Friar  did.  Jim  an'  I  walked  out  together 
under  the  stars,  an'  I  told  him  my  side  of  it;  an'  he  told 
me  that  he  had  met  Jack  Whitman  when  he  was  runnin'  a 
gamblin'  place  close  to  the  New  Mexico  line.  Whitman 
ran  it  on  the  square  an'  he  had  saved  Jim  a  lot  o'  money 
one  night,  an'  then  afterwards  Jim  had  helped  to  stand  off 
a  hold-up  gang,  an'  a  strong  feelin'  had  grew  up  between 
'em.  Whitman  had  told  part  of  the  story,  but  made  out  that 
Barbie's  mother  was  his  own  sister.  When  she  had  left 
Jabez  an'  the  child  —  I  don't  know,  myself,  just  why  she 
left  him.  It  started  when  she  found  out  how  he  had  lied  to 
Whitman  an'  mighty  near  killed  him ;  but  just  all  that  hap 
pened,  before  she  burned  out  her  brand  and  skipped,  I  don't 


344  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

know  to  this  day,  but  they  was  both  purty  high-headed  an' 
nervy  in  their  youth,  an'  I  've  often  suspected  that  Jabez'  con 
science  did  n't  get  to  workin'  smooth  until  after  he  was  left 
alone  with  the  child  on  his  hands.  It  sometimes  happens 
that  way. 

Well,  anyhow,  when  she  had  left  him  she  had  gone  to  the 
southern  part  of  California,  where  she  'd  got  a  job  teachin' 
school.  Whitman  had  located  her,  an'  when  her  health  gave 
out  he  had  sent  her  money  without  lettin'  her  know  where 
it  came  from.  Whitman  had  follered  minin'  till  his  wife 
died,  an'  then  he  got  to  speculatin'  in  stocks,  finally  gettin' 
cleaned  out  full  an'  proper,  an'  then  he  started  to  gamblin' 
in  earnest.  It  was  from  him  that  Jim  had  picked  up  most 
of  his  idees  about  business  an'  gamblin'.  When  Whitman 
himself  had  died  he  had  turned  Barbie's  mother  over  to 
Jim. 

She  was  livin'  on  a  ranch  in  northern  Colorado  at  this 
time,  on  account  of  her  health.  When  Jim  got  cleaned  out 
by  the  cattle  crowd,  an'  opened  his  joint  in  Laramie,  he 
brought  her  over  to  keep  house  an'  be  company  for  him.  He 
pertended  to  be  the  son  of  a  wild  uncle  she  'd  had,  an'  he 
fixed  up  a  believable  tale  to  go  with  it.  All  the  while  he  'd 
been  at  the  Diamond  Dot  he  had  supposed  that  she  was 
Whitman's  sister  —  she  went  by  her  maiden  name  of  Miss 
Garrison,  an'  she  had  never  told  him  her  full  story,  simply 
hintin'  enough  at  times  to  let  him  know  that  she  had  gone 
through  the  mill. 

He  had  never  pieced  things  together  until  I  had  sent  him 
my  letter,  an'  then  he  guessed  how  it  was,  an'  puttin'  what 
I  told  him  onto  what  she  an'  Whitman  had  told  him,  he  saw 
it  all.  He  didn't  know  what  had  made  her  leave  Judson, 
or  rather  Jordan;  but  he  said  he  was  positive  it  was  his 


THE    FINAL    RECKONING       345 

fault,  as  she  was  some  the  finest  woman  he  had  ever  met, 
exceptin'  of  course  her  own  daughter. 

We  talked  it  all  over  there  in  the  starlight,  until  ol' 
Melisse  came  an'  called  us  in.  I  did  n't  want  to  go ;  I  was 
tryin'  to  cut  myself  out  of  the  game  entirely  an'  forget  that 
I  even  existed ;  for  the'  was  a  cry  in  my  heart  that  would  n't 
hush,  an'  I  wanted  to  be  alone;  but  when  Jim  insisted  I 
braced  up  an'  went  in. 

O1J  Jabez  looked  a  heap  better,  but  still  shaky;  his  wife 
had  a  tender  half  sad  smile  on  her  face,  while  Barbie  was 
radiant  with  the  joy  she  had  waited  for  so  long:  she  had 
kept  her  father,  she  had  found  her  mother,  an'  she  was 
about  to  meet  —  her  lover.  I  saw  the  Sioux  Injuns  doin'  the 
dance  once,  where  they  tie  thongs  through  their  breast 
muscles  an'  circle  around  a  pole.  Every  now  an'  again 
they  'd  fling  back  their  full  weight  on  the  thongs,  an'  their 
faces  would  light  with  savage  joy.  That  was  the  kind  of 
joy  I  felt  when  I  saw  Barbie's  face. 

Her  mother  smiled  into  Jim's  eyes  when  he  came  in,  an' 
Jabez  stood  up  an'  held  out  his  hand.  "  Do  you  want  to 
marry  her  ?  "  he  said. 

"  That 's  the  only  wish  I  have,"  sez  Jim. 

"  Then  she  's  yours,  an'  I  thank  God  she  's  got  a  true 
man,"  sez  Jabez,  puttin'  Barbie's  hand  into  Jim's.  I  turned 
my  face  away. 

The  first  thing  I  knew  I  felt  a  hand  on  my  shoulder  an' 
another  hand  takin'  hold  of  mine.  I  turned  an'  looked  down 
into  Barbie's  face,  but  I  could  n't  bear  the  light  in  her  eyes. 
I  turned  my  face  away  again  —  an'  my  lips  were  tremblin', 
the  blasted  traitors. 

But  she  turned  me  around  until  my  eyes  looked  down  into 
hers,  an'  they  were  swimmin'  in  tears.  Her  little  soft  hand 


346  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

clasped  my  big  rough  one,  tight  an'  warm,  an'  her  voice  was 
husky  as  she  whispered,  "  You  —  you  won't  care  much,  will 
you,  Happy  ?  " 

"  No,  Barbie,"  I  sez  between  my  set  teeth,  "  not  much  " ; 
an'  by  God,  I  smiled. 

"  An',  Happy,"  she  went  on,  "  my  home  will  allus  be  your 
home,  an'  anything  that  is  mine  is  yours ;  but  my  heart  ain't 
mine,  ol'  pal ;  an'  so  —  an'  so  we  can't  help  it." 

"  No,"  I  sez,  an'  I  was  back  in  the  saddle  again  this  time. 
"  No,  little  gel,  we  can't  help  it ;  but  we  can  allus  make 
the  best  of  it ;  so  I  vote  that  we  don't  disappoint  the  crowd ; 
but  go  on  an'  have  a  weddin'." 

She  backed  away  from  me  a  little,  while  her  face  took 
the  color  of  a  rose,  an'  her  eyes  went  to  the  floor ;  an'  then 
I  turned  to  Jabez  an'  said :  "  Jabez,  I  've  took  a  mighty 
sight  off  you  in  my  time  without  ever  puttin'  up  one  little 
squeal;  but  if  you  send  this  gang  away  to-night  without 
a  weddin',  why,  I  quit  you  for  good." 

The'  was  all  so  wrought  up  that  I  was  about  the  steadiest 
in  the  room;  an'  in  about  two  minutes  I  had  'em  lined  up, 
an*  the  crowd  back  in  place  an'  Friar  Tuck  in  full  regi 
mentals  under  the  tissha  paper  bell. 

Before  we  could  begin,  however,  Jabez  mounted  on  a 
chair  an'  said  in  a  new,  soft  voice :  "  Friends,  in  all  my  life 
I  never  told  but  one  black  lie.  I  may  have  spoken  falsely 
through  ignorance,  or  to  spare  sorrow  to  my  child;  but  I 
never  fought  through  the  temptation  but  once,  an'  got 
whipped  by  it.  I  told  one  black  lie,  an'  it  was  the  blackest 
one  ever  told,  I  reckon.  It  brought  me  my  money  an'  my 
wife;  an'  my  load  of  shame  an'  sin  an'  contempt.  It  lost 
me  the  best  friend  I  ever  had,  an'  it  led  to  my  losin'  my 
wife  for  most  o'  my  journey.  All  my  life  I  've  tried  to  live 


THE    FINAL    RECKONING      347 

'down  that  lie  an'  to  fill  every  man  I  met  with  a  reverence  for 
the  truth,  an'  that 's  what  makes  me  so  blame  ashamed  of 
the  way  I  've  treated  Dick.  I  ought  to  have  seen  quicker  'n 
anybody  else  the  kind  of  a  fight  he  was  a-makin',  an'  pitched 
in  an'  helped  him  instead  of  findin'  him  guilty  on  the  first 
suspicion,  an'  tryin'  to  make  his  life  as  sour  as  mine  has 
been.  But  "  —  here  Jabez  put  his  arm  about  Barbie's  shoul 
der,  an'  looked  down  on  her  a  moment  — "  it  was  all  on 
account  o'  this  little  girl." 

Then  we  all  gave  a  cheer  an'  Friar  Tuck  tied  the  knot, 
after  which  every  one  opened  the  sluice-gates  o'  their  hearts 
an'  let  the  sociability  gush  forth  in  a  torrent.  I  stuck  around 
until  the  dancin'  begun,  an'  then  I  flopped  myself  on  a  hoss 
an'  rode,  an'  rode,  an'  rode.  The  air  was  cool  an'  crisp  as 
it  swept  over  my  face ;  but  it  was  a  long  time  before  it  took 
the  fever  out  of  my  blood.  Finally  I  circled  back  to  ol' 
Monody's  grave  an'  got  off  an'  sat  there  till  the  sun  came 
up,  fresh  an'  strong.  Ol'  Monody  had  taken  the  burden  'at 
had  been  handed  to  him,  an'  had  borne  it  along  to  a  mighty 
fine  finish ;  an'  it  made  me  ashamed  of  myself,  so  I  got  to 
my  feet,  gave  myself  a  shake,  an'  rode  back  to  the  ranch 
house. 


CHAPTER   THIRTY 

THE   AFTERGLOW 

I  DID  N'T  look  for  anybody  to  be  about  that  early  after  the 
night  that  outfit  had  put  in ;  but  just  before  I  reached  the 
corral  I  saw  Barbie  an'  Jim  ridin'  slowly  toward  the  stable. 
They  was  ridin'  close  together  an'  lookin'  into  each  other's 
eyes,  an'  I  'm  glad  to  say  that  even  that  soon  I  felt  nothin' 
but  joy  in  the  sight.  A  little  farther  on  I  spied  Jabez  an' 
his  wife  standin'  on  a  knoll,  lookin'  at  the  sunshine,  an' 
before  I  reached  the  house  I  saw  two  others  swingin'  up  the 
trail  on  a  lope.  In  a  minute  I  made  out  Bill  Hammersly  an' 
Jessamie.  For  just  one  second  I  did  feel  a  little  bit  out  o' 
the  world;  but  by  the  time  they  rode  up  I  was  able  to 
welcome  'em  with  a  joke. 

"  We  lost  our  way,"  sez  Bill.    "  Is  it  too  late?  " 

"  It 's  never  too  late,"  sez  I.  "  But  I  'm  right  down 
sorry  that  you  did  n't  arrive  last  evenin'.  We  had  about  as 
stirrin'  a  weddin'  here  as  ever  you  see." 

"  Who  was  it  that  Barbie  married  ?  "  asked  Jessamie. 

Just  then  Jim  an'  Barbie  came  around  the  corner  o'  the 
house,  an'  I  sez :  "  Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Bill  Hammersly,  allow  me 
to  make  you  introduced  to  the  Earl  o'  Clarenden  an'  his 
bride." 

They  was  totally  devoid  of  remarks  for  some  time.  Jim 
was  the  first  to  speak,  an'  he  seemed  a  trifle  put  out.  "  What 
do  you  mean  by  such  nonsense,  Happy?"  sez  he.  Then 
they  all  looked  at  him  on  account  of  him  usin'  the  tone  he. 
had. 


THE    AFTERGLOW  349 

I  turned  to  Barbie  an'  sez  easily :  "  I  was  tellin'  Bill  down 
at  Frisco  about  a  month  ago  that  I  rather  doubted  if  Jim 
here  would  take  the  job;  but  if  so  be  that  he  wants  it,  it's 
open  for  him.  If  not,  that  Hawthorn  thing  has  the  next 
chance." 

I  stepped  back  a  few  paces  after  this  an'  let  'em  talk  it 
out.  Jim  was  the  most  flabbergasted  of  any,  Barbie  looked 
a  little  bit  frightened ;  but  Jessamie  sez :  "  If  Happy 
Hawkns  sez  'at  you  're  the  Earl  of  Clarenden,  why  you 
might  as  well  give  up.  He  has  inside  information  on  every 
given  subject,  an'  things  don't  never  happen  until  he 's 
had  his  finger  in  it  somewhere."  Jessamie  allus  was  a 
good  feller. 

An'  that 's  the  way  it  turned  out.  Jim  an'  Barbie  went 
back  to  Clarenden  on  their  honeymoon,  an'  Barbie  's  taken 
the  lead  over  there  the  same  as  she  'd  do  anywhere.  I  stayed 
right  at  the  Diamond  Dot  'cause  Jabez  didn't  seem  able  to 
get  along  without  me;  an'  I  hit  work  harder  than  ever. 
Now  I  oversee  the  Diamond  Dot,  Jim's  place  down  in  the 
Pan  Handle,  which  is  full  stocked  an'  runnin'  easy  with  the 
ex-governor's  backin',  an'  also  the  ol'  Colonel  Scott  ranch 
which  Bill  and  Jessamie  fell  heir  to. 

Jim  an'  Barbie  an'  the  children  come  back  every  summer ; 
Bill  an'  Jessamie  an'  their  outfit  hop  in  on  me  most  any 
time,  Ches  an'  his  bunch  drop  in  for  a  week  or  so  now  an* 
again,  an'  if  I  ever  do  get  lonesome  I  just  sneak  my  full- 
dress  uniform  out  o'  the  hay  an'  go  down  to  Frisco  for  a 
little  easin'  off  o'  the  guy-ropes.  Oh,  I  have  n't  had  to  peti 
tion  to  congress  to  have  my  name  changed ;  I  'm  Happy. 
I  'm  happier  than  any  human  ever  had  a  right  to  be,  an'  life 
never  drags  none  —  at  least  not  in  the  daytimes.  The'  's 
dozens  o'  boys  named  after  me,  an'  only  the  recordin'  angel 


350  HAPPY    HAWKINS 

knows  how  many  dogs  an'  ponies.  Take  it  at  a  big  gath 
ering  an'  if  any  one  yells,  "  Happy,  you  rascal,  get  out  o* 
here,"  why  the'  's  a  general  stampede. 

Barbie  's  allus  extra  kind  to  me,  as  if  she  still  felt  that 
the'  was  somethin'  left  for  me  to  forgive  her ;  but  my  good 
ness,  the'  ain't  a  thing.  It  was  n't  her  fault  —  she  could  n't 
never  have  loved  me  —  not  in  the  only  way  I  wanted  her  to. 
And  it  ain't  my  fault  —  I  could  n't  help  but  love  her,  an' 
the'  was  only  one  way  that  I  could  love  her,  an'  that  was 
world  without  end.  I  'm  not  sorry  I  loved  her ;  why,  the' 
ain't  nothin'  in  life  I  'd  take  for  this  love  of  mine  —  and  it 
is  mine.  The'  ain't  nothin'  can  ever  take  it  away  from  me, 
the'  ain't  nothin'  can  ever  put  a  limit  to  it ;  an'  though  it  has 
burned  in  my  heart  like  fire,  I  reckon  the  worst  it  has  ever 
done  was  to  burn  up  the  natural-born  evil  I  started  out 
with.  I  ain't  mean-hearted  nor  jealous  —  I  can't  even 
understand  it. 

I  can  easy  see  how  a  feller  would  kill  a  man  for  ill-treatin' 
the  woman  he  loved;  but  I  can't  see  how  he  could  marry 
a  girl  who  did  n't  love  him  with  all  her  heart.  An'  Jim, 
he 's  been  square.  They  're  happy,  an'  I  stand  afar  off 
watchin'  'em ;  an'  some  way  when  I  'm  out  in  the  star 
light —  when  it  seems  that  I  ain't  lyin'  on  the  earth  at  all, 
but  floatin'  slow  an'  easy  like  an  eagle  restin'  on  his  wings 
—  I  seem  to  share  in  their  love,  an*  I  don't  seem  to  grow 
old. 

I  don't  reckon  I  ever  will  grow  old,  'cause  love  is  —  love 
is  —  some  way  my  love  is  like  the  starlight  itself;  an'  the 
starlight  don't  scorch  an'  weaken  an'  pester  like  the  sun; 
it  soothes  an'  softens  an'  lifts  a  man  up  where  it 's  calm  an' 
steady  and  —  and  pure. 

The  longer  I  live  the  fonder  I  grow  o'  the  stars.    It  don't 


THE    AFTERGLOW  351 

take  as  much  sleep  for  me  now  as  it  used  to,  an'  I  never  was 
dopey ;  so  the'  's  mighty  few  nights  'at  I  don't  have  a  little 
visit  with  'em.  I  know  now  'at  they  keep  whirlin'  an'  cir- 
clin'  away  up  there;  but  they  never  deceive  a  body.  You 
can  allus  keep  track  of  'em,  an'  when  the  seasons  change 
an'  you  can't  see  'em  for  a  while,  you  know  'at  they  're 
tendin'  to  their  duties  just  the  same;  an'  somehow  it  kind 
o'  holds  a  man  to  the  trail  when  the  trail  is  gettin'  rougher 
than  he  thinks  he  can  stand. 

I  've  got  a  heap  o'  friends,  men  an'  women  of  all  kinds ; 
an'  when  they  come  to  me  ragin'  an'  bitter,  I  just  take  'em 
out  an'  show  'em  the  stars ;  tell  'em  the  ones  who  are  about 
to  go  on  a  long  journey,  but  who  will  come  back  again  when 
they  're  due,  an'  not  a  minute  late.  The'  's  something  about 
the  stars  'at  allus  seems  to  take  the  wickedness  out  of  a 
human.  I  Ve  had  'em  come  to  me  —  men  an'  women  both 
-—  with  murder  in  their  hearts ;  but  after  we  've  visited  a 
while  with  the  stars  they  either  sigh  or  sob  —  but  they  allus 
go  away  clean  an'  rested. 

It 's  a  funny  notion;  but  sometimes  I  feel  like  as  if  I  'd 
like  to  be  a  star  myself;  away  up  above  the  worry  an' 
selfishness  of  the  world,  an'  helpin'  to  bring  peace  an 
content  to  those  who  look  up  to  me.  It 's  a  funny 
notion  —  especially  for  a  feller  what's  follered  the  trail  I 
have. 

Me  an'  the  preachers  lock  horns  purty  often ;  but  they  're 
all  right,  most  of  'em,  when  you  treat  'em  like  humans  an' 
make  'em  play  fair.  One  of  'em  happened  out  here  on  a 
visit,  to  sort  o'  rest  up,  an'  he  called  me  some  kind  of  a 
Persian  name  an'  read  me  a  little  book  called  The  Other 
Wise  Man.  I  reckon  I  know  that  book,  all  except  the  big 
names,  by  heart;  an'  if  one  of  my  stars  would  ever  cut 


352  HAPPY      HAWKINS 

out  o'  the  herd  an'  go  off,  slow  an'  stately  on  a  new  trail, 
why  I'd  f oiler  that  star  — God  knows  I'd  foller;  an'  — 
I  wouldn't  let  on  to  no  one  else  except  you  —  but,  way 
down,  deep  in  my  heart,  I  'm  hopin'  that  sometime  I  '11  get 
the  chance. 


THE   END 


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